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Relationship and Grad school?

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pinkstars

Brilliant_Rock
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I was wondering how any of you handled a relationship with your SO while you or they were in Grad school.

BF is starting to look into schools and there''s absolutely no option to stay here which I''m fine with, but he''s considering really big cities that I''m not familiar with and I''m kind of worried that he''ll be studying and working so much that I won''t have time with him and I''ll be someplace new without someone to enjoy it with. So I''m really curious to hear if anybody else has been in a similar situation.
 

neatfreak

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Many of my friends have been in that situation and I will warn you, it isn't easy. But it certainly can be done. I know many of my friends who moved with spouses/SO's who were in school and they felt lonely and a bit neglected by their SO just as if they had moved to a new place on their own. Just remember that it does have a definitive end date and if you both work hard at it you can certainly make it work!

But just like with any other move you'll get a job and make friends, and then it will be so much easier. But it can be a major strain on relationships to have one person in school and the other not in school. Just remember that it is a very stressful thing to do but with time and the right attitude you can totally overcome it.

My DH and I are both in grad school, so it's a bit different for us because we BOTH work sporadic hours and put a lot of time in...but I'd be happy to answer any other Q's you have.

It also greatly depends on what program he's in...
 

FrekeChild

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BF is in grad school and has been our entire relationship. We have had no problems although it has NOT been easy most of the time. One semester he took 16 hours (full time was 6hrs), worked 30 hours a week and was finishing up his Masters thesis at the same time. So I didn''t get to see him much then, but we always made time for each other. Granted, we live in the place we both grew up in, so that made it easier than it would have been moving to a different place. What department is he wanting to go to Grad school for? And will you be working or going to school too?
 

pinkstars

Brilliant_Rock
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What department is he wanting to go to Grad school for? And will you be working or going to school too


You ladies are fast!!
He''ll be going for Economics. Right now he''s getting his double major in Econ and Math. I''ll definitely be working. So I''m trying to figure out how to best prepare myself for getting a new job and making less...So scary.
 

cara

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Hubby and I are both overeducated.

We have each done stints were one moved to a new city where the other was in grad school with an established group of friends - and basically the person NOT in grad school was somewhat lonely, lacking friends that they primarily made as the other person has this ready group of people to hang out with. And feeling a little like this new place was not theirs, as the other had been there longer and knew how to get around, etc.

But over time, your partner''s friends become your friends. Like any other move to a new city, it takes time to find your new haunts, new things to do, new places to go. And an understanding partner helps, especially if neither expects it to by particularly easy for you.

Luckily, you and your bf will be moving *together* - at least that is what it sounds like. That is good because then you will be learning a new place together, finding your way around, etc.

The bad news is that you will be there to witness the first year. I don''t know about your bf''s programs, but I as basically doing homework around the clock in a pack with others in my program. We (me and my classmates) basically had to work together to get it all done, and it still involved spending almost every night together for many, many hours.

The bad news is, you may be on your own for a lot of his first year or so, if his program is of similar intensity to ones I am familiar with. My hubby and I were either long distance or not dating for our respective first years in grad school, and that was probably a good thing. We were together for my first year, but long distance. I would usually take a 15 min break from homework to call him, and instead of visiting each other for weekends every 2-3 weeks, which was our preferred pattern at other times when we were long distance, we would visit for like 36 hours so I could be back of a marathon Sunday study session with others.

Other programs might not have so many hours required first year, or might be more independent studying rather than small groups, but I would be prepared for a lot of entertaining yourself. Good luck!
 

pennquaker09

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The most honest thing that I can say that it is hard. But, in my case, my guy was doing a fellowship in cardiology and I was working and studying for a masters in education. I''m kind of sleepy right now (I''m only up because I needed to do some laundry), but I''ll go more in depth later. However, what I can say is that even though we were both extremely busy, we found a lot of time to be together.
 

Sabine

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I did this when my FI started med school. His first year was crazy, and there were definitely times that I resented all the people he was meeting and all the time he spent at school, but in the end, I look back on that time fondly because I had a lot of time to get to know myself better. I had to find things to do to keep myself busy, so I learned that I love to cook even though I''m not good at it, I enjoy working out, and I got a TON of reading done. The worst part was during the summer when we first got there because I''m a teacher/student, so I had about 1.5 months before work and classes started. The best thing I did was join a volunteer group (the youth group at my church) because it helped me feel productive without being too time consuming or stressful.

The best advice I can give you is don''t let yourself fall into inactivity and depression. If you have nothing you "have" to do, it''s easy to be lazy, not push yourself to find things to do, and then feel like there is nothing to do. That''s when I started resenting FI being busy the most. But if you force yourself to stay active, you won''t even have time to think.
 

iwannaprettyone

Ideal_Rock
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Feb 5, 2002
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Ooooh, it''s tough.

FI works out of town alot, which was one of the reasons I started the Grad program as I was soooo bored! He comes home most weekends and alot of time I has excess homework/ studying to do and he gets frustrated that we can''t hangout but he understand I gotta get it done. Luckily he has developed a bond with my brother and they hang out when I am busy and I can catch up with them later.

Good luck.
 

Elmorton

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 5, 2007
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We were long distance while I was in grad school (45 minutes - so I guess short distance?) which helped a lot. He''d come to my place on his days off (mid-week, usually Tues/Weds) and I''d go to his on weekends. The second year, when we were planning the wedding, was much more difficult than the first.

DH definitely had to make some adjustments. When he came to visit me, he always brought books to read so he could follow me to the library and just hang out on his own. He did spend a lot of time alone, but he said he didn''t mind it because it was nice to have the down time and the quiet. To see me, he''d drive to campus and bring me lunch, we''d work out together - we managed to find time, though it wasn''t the same kind of curl up QT that most couples have.

The biggest thing though was that it took DH awhile to understand that my brain was ALWAYS going and I was always worrying about school. You can''t turn off grad school - it''s like you''re constantly at work. I was VERY jealous that when DH could just hang out around my apartment and enjoy his days off, when even during Xmas break, I was having panic attacks about thesis proposals. This caused a lot of stupid tension, but we did get through it.

I''ve heard from friends who have been in grad school and moved their partner with them that the hardest thing is that the student has a built-in friend base at school whereas the partner doesn''t. So the partner can really have a hard time - less friends, more alone time. If you know that ahead of time though, you can spend time making friends and trying out new activities, groups, etc right from the get-go instead of trying to navigate through the lonliness thing.

It IS tough, but plenty of couples make it through. :) Just takes some extra patience and communication.
 

krispi

Shiny_Rock
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Dec 27, 2007
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I met my BF when he was finishing up his MBA, and I will echo that it was really hard. Luckily we both already lived in the same city as his school, but it was still an adjustment. He''d been in grad school for a year and a half when he met me though, and he had to alter his habits and schedule if he wanted to fit in time for a relationship - I think that was a hard adjustment for him, and it wasn''t any easier on me either. It was really difficult knowing that our plans would always be second to whatever he needed to do for school. It definitely took a toll on our relationship, and we almost broke up after 6 months. (Actually, we did break up, but it only lasted less than 24 hours...) My BF would get stressed out about everything that he had to do, and while I couldn''t help him study, I did try to help him with other things so that they wouldn''t keep him from studying - laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc. I figured it was a way I could make up for the time he used to spend on those things but was now spending with me. Thankfully, things got a lot better after our "incident" and even better when he graduated (which was only 3 months after that). I think another thing that made it particularly hard on us was the fact that our relationship was so new - we''ve since gotten a lot better at communicating and understanding each other - which defintely help when the going gets rough.
 

Elegant

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Date: 6/30/2008 12:38:21 AM
Author: cara
Hubby and I are both overeducated.

I too am a bit overeducated. How funny...
9.gif


I have been in grad school for, let''s see, about 5ish years and counting. I have two master''s degrees and I am working on my doctorate. I don''t think there has been a time when I wasn''t in school since we''ve been together (high school sweethearts, been together 15 years now).

It is a bit difficult. Depending on the program, it can overwhelm a person and basically takes over your life. He hasn''t been in school since forever, but I have. I don''t know what the other side feels like, but as a person going through all of the programs, it does put a strain on the relationship, no doubt.
 

kcoursolle

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2006
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10,589
I''ve been basically in your BF''s position for a few years now. When I started looking at grad programs it became pretty apparent that I would have to move to another city and probably across the country. It was difficult to talk about because my (boyfriend at the time - now husband) hadn''t talked about marriage or moving together at the time. He was more supportive than I anticipated he would be and was even willing to move for me granted that it was to a city that has a great job market (aka no small towns).

It was a difficult process and it also included about 9 months of long distance before he could get a job and move to the area where I go to graduate school. However, we''ve made it work very well and have even managed to plan a wedding during graduate school. We''ve been married about a year now and I''m coming to the end of my graduate studies. I''m very busy, but things work out just fine because he is busy starting his career as well.

I also *try* my hardest to stay on a similar schedule to him. A lot of graduate students I know work at all hours of the night. I try to get as much work done as I can during business hours so that I can take most of my evenings and weekends off. This was harder to do at first because I was so busy with classwork, but now that I''m done with class and focusing on my research I''m able to have a pretty normal life.
 
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