Questions About Adoption

[blackberry16]

My DH and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 months and have had no luck. I knew this would be a possibility because I have PCOS. Since I have known for years that pregnancy might never happen for us, adoption has always been something we were ok with. Several weeks ago the mother of a former student of mine came to me with an unexpected opportunity. She used to work for an adoption agency and a birthmother that she has worked with before called to tell her that she was expecting. This woman came to us and offered us the chance to adopt this baby.
On the one had we are thrilled (knowing that this is is a once in a lifetime opportunity) but on the other hand I am apprehensive b/c we don't know for sure that I can't get pregnant. We haven't been trying long enough to know for sure. I think that I am just having a hard time with the idea that our first baby may not come to us the way I had always envisioned. Deep down I feel like we were going to adopt at some point anyway, why does the timing bother me so much?
Has anyone else felt this way? If you have adopted what kinds of things did you worry about? I just want to know that I am not crazy.

 

[vespergirl]

Hi Blackberry, we have not adopted, but I also have PCOS & was having trouble conceiving last year. We tried for over 10 months, and for 5 of those, I never even had a period, so I know I wasn't ovulating (this was before I was diagnosed). Then my OB put me on Provera to give me a period, but I still wasn't ovulating. Finally I got an ultrasound & the PCOS diagnosis, so the dr. put me on Clomid to make me ovulate. We got pregnant on my second monthly cycle with a low dose of Clomid. One of my friends who also has PCOS & is overweight due to blood sugar problems was put of Metformin & Clomid & she conceived two children that way after only a couple of months of trying.

I don't know if you've tried Clomid and/or Metformin yet, but for me & my friend those both worked very well, and allowed us to ovulate & conceive naturally.

Good luck!

 

[blackberry16]

I should clarify that we are going to continue trying to get pregnant and are seeing a fertility specialist but we also want to adopt. My sister has the same thing, has been trying for 3 years and are starting IV this month. We want to be parents soon and aren't sure that we wouldn't really regret passing up a baby just because of timing issues.

 

[nararabbit]

My advice would be to go for it. Nothing ever works out the way we think it will - and adoptions take a long time, with many potential pitfalls (the mother changes her mind, the baby has health issues you aren't able to care for, or you can't afford the process!) so if you have someone ready and waiting, I would take advantage of that. I don't doubt that you will love this child no matter what, especially if you have already thought about adoption seriously.

My husband was adopted by his parents in exactly the same way, and he's the center of their universe and they adore him. Good thing, too, as about a year later they found out they would *never* conceive due to issues on both of their parts.

Not to mention, you can always change your mind. Babies are incredibly hard to "get", so if you decide to back out, this child won't end up in the gutter, but in another loving home. SOmething to consider.

 

[oobiecoo]

So you plan to adopt no matter even if you have children of your own? In that case I'd maybe go for it.

We struggled with getting pregnant for over a year. I was diagnosed with PCOS about halfway through that time and was taking 2 different medications. I finally got pregnant about 6 or 7 months later. I hope your body figures things out and that it just hasn't had enough time yet.

 

[blackberry16]

My advice would be to go for it. Nothing ever works out the way we think it will - and adoptions take a long time, with many potential pitfalls (the mother changes her mind, the baby has health issues you aren't able to care for, or you can't afford the process!) so if you have someone ready and waiting, I would take advantage of that. I don't doubt that you will love this child no matter what, especially if you have already thought about adoption seriously.

My husband was adopted by his parents in exactly the same way, and he's the center of their universe and they adore him. Good thing, too, as about a year later they found out they would *never* conceive due to issues on both of their parts.

Not to mention, you can always change your mind. Babies are incredibly hard to "get", so if you decide to back out, this child won't end up in the gutter, but in another loving home. SOmething to consider.

Thanks Narabbit, that is kind of what we were thinking. That we would continue to move forward and then if something feels wrong we still have so time to change our minds.

 

[blackberry16]

So you plan to adopt no matter even if you have children of your own? In that case I'd maybe go for it.

We struggled with getting pregnant for over a year. I was diagnosed with PCOS about halfway through that time and was taking 2 different medications. I finally got pregnant about 6 or 7 months later. I hope your body figures things out and that it just hasn't had enough time yet.

Yes we always thought we would adopt at some point down the road.
Also, I too hope my body just needs a little more time to figure things out. I am glad that you were able to conceive!

 

[megumic]

We don't know if we can get pregnant, b/c we haven't tried yet, but have always planned to have some of our own and adopt a few as well. I don't think you're crazy for feeling the way you do and I understand what you mean about expecting that the first will be not an adoption -- because that's how the plan is set in our minds too. But perhaps we are our own worst enemies by setting the expectations a certain way and then not sure what to do or how to feel when the situation changes.

From an outsider's point of view, I think the opportunity to adopt an infant is something you should not pass up. Consider both scenarios -- two years down the road and you're still not pregnant...you'll look back and kick yourself -- or -- two years down the road and you adopted AND got pregnant, now you've got two children and possibly more. Or, you adopt and find out you cannot get pregnant. The first scenario is the only one that leaves you childless several years down the road...and that's something you need to be comfortable with when you make your decision.

I honestly don't see the downside to going for the adoption, but at the same token I do understand your feelings about wishing your first was via pregnancy. Maybe take some steps in figuring out what makes you so nervous about adopting first. I know many families that adopt first, and then miraculously become pregnant. It's always such a blessing and wonderful surprise to the whole family!

Good luck - I know this is a tough decision and you need to do what is right for your family.

 

[blackberry16]

We don't know if we can get pregnant, b/c we haven't tried yet, but have always planned to have some of our own and adopt a few as well. I don't think you're crazy for feeling the way you do and I understand what you mean about expecting that the first will be not an adoption -- because that's how the plan is set in our minds too. But perhaps we are our own worst enemies by setting the expectations a certain way and then not sure what to do or how to feel when the situation changes.

From an outsider's point of view, I think the opportunity to adopt an infant is something you should not pass up. Consider both scenarios -- two years down the road and you're still not pregnant...you'll look back and kick yourself -- or -- two years down the road and you adopted AND got pregnant, now you've got two children and possibly more. Or, you adopt and find out you cannot get pregnant. The first scenario is the only one that leaves you childless several years down the road...and that's something you need to be comfortable with when you make your decision.

I honestly don't see the downside to going for the adoption, but at the same token I do understand your feelings about wishing your first was via pregnancy. Maybe take some steps in figuring out what makes you so nervous about adopting first. I know many families that adopt first, and then miraculously become pregnant. It's always such a blessing and wonderful surprise to the whole family!

Good luck - I know this is a tough decision and you need to do what is right for your family.

Thank you for your understanding. I can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me that I am not 100% excited about the prospect. You are right about the fact that walking away from this may leave us with no child down the road and that is not what we want.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Hi Blackberry-What an amazing opportunity! DH and I are TTC (have been for almost a year now, with no apparent issues but no pregnancy either I have always wanted to adopt as well and DH is starting to get pretty excited about it too. I think adoption and pregnancy are both amazing, complex, and very much out of our control ways to build a family There are so many variables that we can't bend to our will...

If you believe in God I would take a few days to pray and think about it. Many people are not thrilled when they find out they are expected, and sometimes even after TTC the reality of being PG is pretty scary. Same with adoption. When you have an actually living and breathing child (or expectant mother) that feels way different than the ideal imaginary circumstances. Also, there are some challenges and complications in adoption that I think emotionally you have to work through (namely, that in some way the birthmother/family will now be connected to your family forever).

If it were me, I would definitely adopt the baby and keep TTC naturally, but I'd wait on the more invasive proceedures/hormones until I had acclimated to life with a new baby, but that's just me. There is some real grief and flexibility required in changing your view of how your oldest child will enter your family, and you have to acknowledge and process that. It's a big change

Infant adoption (really 0-36 months adoption) can be a long and difficult road to placement, so if you have an opportunity, that is pretty amazing, but you should do what you think feels best for your family.

Best wishes as you contemplate the best path forward!

 

[swingirl]

I don't have any adoption advice or experience but my friend has major PCOD. She found a good fertility doctor, got pregnant with the first round of IVF and had her twin boys at the age of 40. If I were in your shoes I'd probably pursue fertility assessment and treatment right away to know where you stand. Also have your DH checked out too just to rule out other issues. 6 months isn't a long time even for a couple with no issues.

 

[Pandora II]

I'm going to throw a different view out here.

My worry would be adopting and then finding yourself pregnant and both children arriving around the same time or in quick succession. Would you be able to cope with both? I had no idea just how draining and exhausting the whole pregnancy/birth/small baby process is.

Another factor would be the possible difference in feelings. I was shocked at how strong my maternal responses were once Daisy was born. Your body produces hormones after the birth to help the attachment process. In a room full of babies, or if DH had her in a store but out of my sight I could recognise my baby's cry instantly and the physical effect it has it quite something! With a baby that isn't mine those effects just aren't there.

In the UK my understanding is that they won't allow adoption whilst a couple are actively trying to conceive or if they are pregnant (and the process stops if they become pregnant) and ask you not to have a child for at least a year for these reasons.

Just to clarify, I don't in any way suggest that an adopted child will be loved in any way less than a natural child, but we are animals and biological and evolutionary factors mean that you will respond to your 'own' baby in a way that isn't necessarily rational or planned.

It would be worth talking to Logan Sapphire who discovered she was pregnant in the final stages of the adoption process.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I'd love to answer any questions you might have about this. As Pandora said, I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant after we had brought our daughter home from Korea, but before her adoption was finalized. Said surprise is lying on his activity mat next to me as I type.

I'm taking him to the dr in 10 mins but would be happy to address your post when I get back. Also, I was adopted myself, and I definitely have an opinion on your potential strategy as an adoptee.

 

[MonkeyPie]

If you feel you might have problems getting pregnant (or rather, you know that you will), but you know FOR SURE that you would want to adopt eventually anyway, I would go for this adoption and put conceiving on the backburner until it's finalized. Because you're right, if you don't accept this baby now, who is to say that you will ever find/get approved for another?

Let me just say that the thought of adopting from a woman that is pregnant and (for whatever reason) can't keep the baby makes my heart go all aflutter. If I ever adopted this is exactly how I would want to do it.

 

[tag singer]

Hi Blackberry,

My husband and I faced your exact dilemma 8 years ago - in the course of infertility treatments, a "friend of a friend" knew a young lady looking for an adoptive family for her baby due in a few months. Would we consider adoption? And a domestic one, with all of the potential heart-wrenching pitfalls, no less?

After a bit of soul searching and meeting the birth mother, the answer was......YES! We brought our beautiful Olivia Rose home from the hospital in May of 2002, and her sister, Caroline Grace, was born via in vitro about 11 months later. Two miracles in less than a year, and we have been wholly, utterly blessed. I can't imagine life without either one of our precious, wonderful daughters.

Now, I would be lying if I said there aren't additional "issues" with regard to being an adoptive parent. Helping your child deal with the understandable and unavoidable feelings of loss and uncertain identity is painful at times. Adoptive children also have significantly higher rates of ADHD and impulsivity (makes sense, given the typical behavior surrounding their conception) which can add stress to the family dynamic. We were on the look out, and sure enough, our Olivia does indeed have ADHD, but it's manageable and she's thriving both at home and school. She's a great kid! A rabid horse lover, right out of the womb. Where she gets it.....who knows?!

I would wholeheartedly encourage you to (at least) look into this incredible gift that has fallen into your lap. I can honestly say that I would throw myself in front of a bus for either one of my girls. They are.....the loves of my life. Of course, my husband is right up there, too! And on the subject of husbands, their 100% support for the adoption is essential. I was lucky.

Happy to answer any questions you might have.

Good luck and God bless,

Susan

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I'm back from the doctor and ready to post. Please keep in mind that the following is just my opinion and can't really be generalized to anyone else but myself.

I think it's ok to "grieve" the loss of a fantasy of how you would create your family. In a similar yet very different way, I too was upset (VERY upset) to find out I was pregnant after adopting our daughter. I definitely didn't want to be pregnant and if we had wanted another child, we would've adopted again. So I also grieved the whole not going back to Korea thing.

My next statement is not meant to be a criticism at all, but rather a perspective from someone who was adopted that you might think about. You mentioned that you would continue to try to conceive- please be ready to answer your adopted child one day when he/she asks you if they weren't good enough for you and that you kept trying for the biological child that you always and really wanted. They may never ask you this and hopefully will never even think about it, but I bring it up as something that *could* occur. Sometimes some adopted children feel they are a second choice or not good enough b/c their parents kept trying for a biological child and it's a good idea to give some though as to how you would address that. As an adult I can see how that child's thought process might be irrational and totally inaccurate, but as we all know, kids are not rational creatures sometimes! I myself am trying to think of how we might answer any questions our daughter asks us about why we tried IUI to get pregnant before we adopted her and if that means she was Choice B. And hopefully she won't think that her brother was more wanted than she. I hope this didn't offend you but I think it's something that potential adoptive parents who also want biological children should consider.

Anyway, for what it's worth, I love both of my kids equally. I love them differently too, but in ways that aren't related to adoption versus birth. One is a boy, one's a girl. One is a helpless baby. One is a sassy independent toddler. But they're both my kids and like Tag Singer said, I would die and kill for both of my kids.

Good luck and let me know if I can answer any questions. My situation is different from yours since my adopted child was an older infant when we brought her home, not a newborn.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Hi Logan (sorry for the threadjack blackberry

My DH and I are seriously considering starting to begin the process to adopt from Ethiopia (probably a toddler boy since there seems to be a great need for parents of children 24 months and older and DH and I aren't ready to tackle "school-aged" yet)

You mentioned your daughter was an older infant when you brought her home. Would you mind sharing if she had any challenges with attachment, and if so, how you handled them?

if it's too personal for the forum, I am happy to see if the admin will send you my contact info, but I would love to hear your experience...

 

[blackberry16]

Thank you everyone for your honest thoughts and advice. It is really nice to know there is such a supportive community that I can come to. I spoke to an adoption attorney today and we are going to move forward with the adoption.

I am still feeling apprehensive about some things (which I am sure is to be expected), I don't do well with the unexpected. My concern is the birthfather b/c the birthmother is not sure where he went. I want to be very sure that his rights are properly terminated. According to the lawyer, the father has no rights if he doesn't try to establish paternity in the next few weeks. Anyone have experience with this sort of situation?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Congrats Blackberry!!!!!!!!! Wow!!!! When is the baby due?

I hope that everything goes smoothly for you in the adoption process and that the birth mother receives the medical and emotional care she needs while making such a difficult decision!

As far as birth father's rights, adoption is governed by state laws and differs from State to state. If you post your state then we can give some feedback....

 

[blackberry16]

Also, here is my next hurdle.
My little sister has been TTC for about two years. She and her husband have decided to go the fertility treatment route but so far have had no luck. When I began opening talking about starting a family she was very cold. She has hinted that her opinion is that she should get pregnant first since she has been trying longer. I have been praying that she would get pregnant before me so that there would be no strain on our relationship. My mother thinks that I need to tell her sooner rather than later about this adoption opportunity so that she doesn't feel left out. I am very worried that I am going to upset her, or worse make her mad. I feel like her comment is probably going to be something about how adopting is premature because we aren't sure that we are infertile. How should I go about this conversation with her so that she doesn't feel defensive towards me?

 

[blackberry16]

Congrats Blackberry!!!!!!!!! Wow!!!! When is the baby due?

I hope that everything goes smoothly for you in the adoption process and that the birth mother receives the medical and emotional care she needs while making such a difficult decision!

As far as birth father's rights, adoption is governed by state laws and differs from State to state. If you post your state then we can give some feedback....

Thanks Bella. The baby is probably due sometime in February. The birth mother thinks she is about two months pregnant but needs to go to the doctor this week and have an ultrasound.

I have not allowed myself to think about the birth mother's pregnancy health b/c it is going to drive me nuts worrying about what she may or may not do. I haven't allowed myself to think of the baby as ours because I am not ready to get attached.

I am in Utah if anyone is familiar with some of the laws. I have been reading up on them but find them very confusing.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Also, here is my next hurdle.
My little sister has been TTC for about two years. She and her husband have decided to go the fertility treatment route but so far have had no luck. When I began opening talking about starting a family she was very cold. She has hinted that her opinion is that she should get pregnant first since she has been trying longer. I have been praying that she would get pregnant before me so that there would be no strain on our relationship. My mother thinks that I need to tell her sooner rather than later about this adoption opportunity so that she doesn't feel left out. I am very worried that I am going to upset her, or worse make her mad. I feel like her comment is probably going to be something about how adopting is premature because we aren't sure that we are infertile. How should I go about this conversation with her so that she doesn't feel defensive towards me?

Congratulations on your decision! It's going to be a crazy and exciting journey.

I don't know if this would help with your sister, but you could remind her that adoption is not just for infertile people. Plenty of fertile people choose to adopt because they want to, not because they are forced to by infertility. Also, your sister has the same option as you to explore adoption. She apparently has chosen to focus only on building a family through biology (not that there's anything wrong with that), but you have chosen differently.

Good luck talking with her.

Bella_mezzo, I would love to talk to you about my experiences. Maybe admin can pass along our contact info? Otherwise, we can think of something else.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks Logan!

 

[tag singer]

"I want to be very sure that his rights are properly terminated. According to the lawyer, the father has no rights if he doesn't try to establish paternity in the next few weeks. Anyone have experience with this sort of situation?"

Yes....I do. Not fun. Biological parental rights vary by state. In our case, the father wouldn't sign off until he knew the gender of the baby. If it had been a boy, well, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

The best advice I can give you is:

1. An experienced, highly successful adoption attorney is absolutely critical.

2. Try not to get too emotionally involved with the adoption (yes, I know. I said "try." ) Continuing with our infertility treatments during the adoption process helped us maintain a sense of control. If the adoption worked out, great. If not.....we still had our original plan. It's the lack of control that is so frightening.

I know you'll have MANY more questions (I sure did!) as your journey progresses. Happy to help however I can!

Susan

 

[blackberry16]

"I want to be very sure that his rights are properly terminated. According to the lawyer, the father has no rights if he doesn't try to establish paternity in the next few weeks. Anyone have experience with this sort of situation?"

Yes....I do. Not fun. Biological parental rights vary by state. In our case, the father wouldn't sign off until he knew the gender of the baby. If it had been a boy, well, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

The best advice I can give you is:

1. An experienced, highly successful adoption attorney is absolutely critical.

2. Try not to get too emotionally involved with the adoption (yes, I know. I said "try." ) Continuing with our infertility treatments during the adoption process helped us maintain a sense of control. If the adoption worked out, great. If not.....we still had our original plan. It's the lack of control that is so frightening.

I know you'll have MANY more questions (I sure did!) as your journey progresses. Happy to help however I can!

Susan

The lawyer that we are considering has been highly recommended. We are continuing to try and get pregnant. I guess I just want to be really sure that I can't before we do this. I just couldn't survive having a baby taken back.

 

[blackberry16]

Ok, so my mom is supportive sometimes and sometimes she really worries about all the things that could go wrong with an adoption. This morning she asked me if I would still go through with the adoption if she offered to pay for one round of IV for me. I am more inclined to stop the process b/c my mother is so iffy about it. I really wanted her to be excited and happy about this and she just isn't. It makes me worry that this is the wrong choice.

 

[tag singer]

The lawyer that we are considering has been highly recommended. We are continuing to try and get pregnant. I guess I just want to be really sure that I can't before we do this. I just couldn't survive having a baby taken back.

I understand completely, and firmly believe that babies go to the families for whom they are intended. This beautiful baby will be the joy of someone's life, if not your own.

Before you make a firm decision about potentially adopting this child, you may want to consider having your lawyer interview the birth mother (and father, if he's willing) to get a feel for the odds of success. Adoption attorneys can usually spot trouble a mile away - eg ambivalent birth mothers and fathers (and sometimes the parents of the pregnant "couple.") Definitely worth the investment. Remember, you're only looking into the potential, not making a firm commitment! Plenty of time to search your heart and get your family on board, if necessary.

 

[blackberry16]

The lawyer that we are considering has been highly recommended. We are continuing to try and get pregnant. I guess I just want to be really sure that I can't before we do this. I just couldn't survive having a baby taken back.

I understand completely, and firmly believe that babies go to the families for whom they are intended. This beautiful baby will be the joy of someone's life, if not your own.

Before you make a firm decision about potentially adopting this child, you may want to consider having your lawyer interview the birth mother (and father, if he's willing) to get a feel for the odds of success. Adoption attorneys can usually spot trouble a mile away - eg ambivalent birth mothers and fathers (and sometimes the parents of the pregnant "couple.") Definitely worth the investment. Remember, you're only looking into the potential, not making a firm commitment! Plenty of time to search your heart and get your family on board, if necessary.

That is a great idea. The birth mother has placed 4 other children with adoptive families before. The father is in the middle of a divorce and has three small children that he doesn't want already. I doubt seriously that we are even going to be able to find him (hence my worry) my lawyer is planning to talk to the birth mother as the time come nearer.

 

[megumic]

Does Dad know Mom is pregnant?

I think the good news is that if Mom has placed children before, she's comfortable with the process and knows what to expect. As far as Dad goes, if he has other children, keeping this one is just another mouth to feed for him.

There is usually a standard waiting period starting when the child is placed in your home and when the adoption can be finalized -- ask your attorney for this information. That would be the time period within which Dad can make a claim and have to first establish paternity and then bring a petition to exercise rights to the child. Every state is different on this and hence why some states are more popular for babies to be born within and adoptions to go forth.

With any adoption there is a risk of biological parents re-entering the picture, so while it is most certainly a concern, it is consistent with all adoptions.

 

[blackberry16]

Does Dad know Mom is pregnant?

I think the good news is that if Mom has placed children before, she's comfortable with the process and knows what to expect. As far as Dad goes, if he has other children, keeping this one is just another mouth to feed for him.

There is usually a standard waiting period starting when the child is placed in your home and when the adoption can be finalized -- ask your attorney for this information. That would be the time period within which Dad can make a claim and have to first establish paternity and then bring a petition to exercise rights to the child. Every state is different on this and hence why some states are more popular for babies to be born within and adoptions to go forth.

With any adoption there is a risk of biological parents re-entering the picture, so while it is most certainly a concern, it is consistent with all adoptions.

According to the mother the father knows that she is pregnant and wants nothing to do with her or the baby.

The waiting period in the state of Utah is 6 months before the adoption can be finalized. But the mother cannot come back and change her mind the minute that she signs the papers. Hence the reason that I worry about the father. We have to make sure to get his right properly terminated but I am not sure how one does that if they can't find him. Surely this happens all the time with birth fathers?