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Question for Moms who were on the fence about having kids.....

jewelgal

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 6, 2004
Messages
194
Help! I''m a fencesitter for about 10 years. We''re not sure because we work a lot and both get home late and I couldn''t quit my job, etc. there are other reasons like little kids little problems, big kids = bigger problems.... so not sure if it would fit into our hectic lifestyle....

But I''m getting older and we should be making a choice soon.....

What I''m wondering is - if you were a fencesitter and were leaning toward not having kids, but then u decided to,
what are the top 5 specific reasons that made you sway to having kids?


 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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Jun 15, 2006
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7,485
I can''t give you a top 5, but we were unsure and now have an 11 week old daughter who has brought us an immense amount of joy. We discussed children extensively about two and a half years into our marriage: how it would change our relationship, what we both wanted and expected from each other if we did decide to have kids, our shared and different values and how we would make those things mesh so as to be united in parenting, and so on and so forth. What it boiled down to was parenthood was something we both desired to embark on as a couple and were committed to participating in wholeheartedly. We both felt we were/are emotionally and financially capable of providing a child with the things we feel are essential to raising a child properly. Our desire to have a child was confirmed last spring when I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. The hole left in our life in the wake of our loss was gaping; it became even more clear that our family was not complete.

Now my husband, a big proponent of only children, talks to our daughter about her future sibling.
 

zoebartlett

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I don''t have any advice for you (sorry JG!), but I can relate. We''re major fence-sitters also. We''d like to have kids, but I always feel like life gets in the way. Plus, we''re getting older (my husband is 38 and I''m 36), so if we were to have kids, we should have them now. We''re not quite ready yet though.
 

lyra

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Jul 13, 2007
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I wasn''t really a fencesitter, so I can''t answer your question from that perspective. I also won''t go into why having kids is so great. I think there should be more support for women who choose *not* to have kids. Being childfree is a valid choice and you can still have a wonderful fulfilling life without kids. Good luck. I''m sure you''ll make the choice that is right for you and your life.
 

Haven

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Date: 5/15/2010 5:26:07 PM
Author: Zoe
I don''t have any advice for you (sorry JG!), but I can relate. We''re major fence-sitters also. We''d like to have kids, but I always feel like life gets in the way. Plus, we''re getting older (my husband is 38 and I''m 36), so if we were to have kids, we should have them now. We''re not quite ready yet though.
I''m going to keep an eye on this thread, too. DH and I are 29 (me) and 40, and we''re definitely fence-sitters. I do think we want to be parents, and sometimes I''ll have a moment when I *know* I want to have a child, but then it passes and I think we''ll never really get there.
ANYWAY, I''ll be keeping an eye on this thread.
 

DivaDiamond007

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Jun 7, 2007
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I can''t really give you 5 specific reasons of why we decided to have a baby, but I will say this: you must be on the same page. Having a baby WILL change everything. It can be very stressful, especially in those first few months, and you have to stick together as a team. For us, we take things one day at a time and don''t sweat the small stuff.

DH and I also have very supportive families that pitch in with childcare and also other things - like special toys and sometimes even basic stuff like diapers and clothes. Our son is very loved (and spoiled!) by so many people and we are very blessed to have that.

My only other advice is that it''s pointless to wait until you''re "ready" to have a baby or to wait until you have "enough" money to have a baby. You may never be 100% ready and kids are as expensive as you make them.
 

Mara

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we were major fence sitters for years, in fact for many years i didn't think i wanted kids, period...and would have been fine with it. my hub and i have been together for 10 years.

we didn't actually 'decide to have kids'. that's mother nature's job...! we just decided 'well if we are going to try to do this, we better do it now'... because my hub was 40 and i was 34 and every year we knew we weren't getting any younger or more spry. plus as my friend likes to say...if you want to make an omelet do you use old eggs or fresh young ones? LOL!! also i have a few friends who are older who have really been trying for a while so i saw how hard it 'could' be if we kept waiting for no real reason.

i guess things that swayed us more towards 'we'd be happy to have a kid if we were so lucky' and away from 'us two is all we need' could be the following..

1) hub said someone brought him into this world--he felt like it was his job to do the same. while it wasn't a REAL reason why, it both made us think more seriously about it to start i think...like 'hmm'.
2) we were financially sound and had 'done enough' in our lives together and overall for us to feel like we didn't have kids too soon, we had a strong and solid bond and were on the same page about parenthood.
3) while we were overally quite happy with it just being us two and portia...we thought it would be amazing to have a little person that was made up of us two. plus, puts a kabosh on all the 'what would our kid look like' thoughts!
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4) we saw some couples/friends we respect who had kids who were doing a wonderful job with the baby AND their relationship, and said it was the best thing they'd ever done. it made us feel like you could raise a great kid and still have a great marriage...and i know that no one says this isn't the case--but mentally you're not always SURE, yanno...like 'why change a good thing..'
5) we felt like we'd make great parents.

i think in the end the thing that swayed us the most was feeling like we'd be great parents and that having a kid would be an amazing adventure that we felt up to tackling. we felt like a child would enrich our lives and that we could do the same for a child born to us. we were very lucky to get pregnant quickly and our son is so much fun...we know we made the right decision. we still travel by ourselves and get out a fair amt so while our lives have changed hugely, we still make time for ourselves sans baby--because that is how it was for 10 years before he came along. we have family that helps us out big time, which makes a huge difference IMO.

IMO when you know you want to try, you will know and it won't be so scary anymore...we 'talked' about maybe doing it for i think THREE YEARS before we actually attempted anything. that is how long it took for us to mentally 'get there'. good luck whatever you decide!!
 

D2B

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Feb 10, 2007
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One of the major turning points in our thoughts was that
- what is the most important thing in your life when you are old and grey, when I am 70 plus, will I have appreciated that all consuming job and meetings, the extra house/luxaries, the extra trip taken, or would I look back gladly at my family, value my child/ren, grandkids?

For me, at the end of my life, my career ( I could have moved upward faster and earned more without kids), had more money, etc wont mean as much as family around me and that includes kids.

I recently helped a friend and visited an old lady, her husband had passed away recently ( after cancer for 5 years), she had her own house, basic but good, her health was slowly declining, but what kept her going was her talk of her friends ( she is part of a knitting group) and her sons and daughters in law and grandkids. When you get to her age, the basics matter. An afternoon with her, made me take stock and re-evaluate and confirm my thoughts, dont get too stressed if the kitchen upgrade takes another year or two, (I am only working part-time with my son being in primary school), dont worry about the latest designer stuff so much ( not that I have any but ykwim), and focus on the basics, and for me that is family and children.

hmmm, dont know if that helped, but I suppose ask yourself when you are at the end of your life what will you value, regret or want to have done?

good luck, kids are wonderful, but dont underestimate the hard work on yourself and your realtionship, life changes and if arent prepared to change to have them, then mabyey they are not for you.

db
 

ChinaCat

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Aug 17, 2007
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1,829
I imagined myself at 75 and wondered if I would regret not having kids. The answer was yes.

Otherwise, ditto to Mara''s post.

Except I was NOT "ready" and I was definitely still scared when I got preggo. But I never would have been "ready" and it''s all worked out.

I agree that NOT having kids is a very valid choice and think I could have lived a very happy and fulfilled life if kids had not been in the plans for me.

But I will also say that IF you do have a child, it is highly unlikely that you will ever regret it. Even when it gets hard (and it does) and I wish I could just have my old life back for just one day (just to sleep in again) I never ever regret having my son. He brings me more joy than I could have imagined.
 

jewelgal

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Aug 6, 2004
Messages
194
Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful answers. I read them all twice.
Kids love me and I love kids. I grew up and before we got married I always wanted kids - there was no question. It was a done deal.
BUT after we bought a house and responsibilites set in - wow - we''re paying big bills and trying to save and I can''t just "quit" - I HAVE to work or
how''s all this gonna get paid?

SO - then that''s when I started to think of FACTS and no more "fantasy". Babies grow up. Cute 5 yr oldz grow up. Then they are 12 and 20 and driving and day to day things and I just want peace in my life and simplicity. But on weekends and vacations we think about how much more fun it would be if we had kids with us (our kids). BUT then vacation is over and we''re back to running hectic lives monday-friday and even saturdays we work too.

So the fantasy is nice, but reality is eesh! How would I and I wouldn''t want to taxi kids to and from activities, etc. socialize with people i don''t have time for bec i don''t even have time to see everyone now -

plus I can''t quit work. so who would raise my kid? what if i didn''t want to go back to work? then what? what if a family member watched my kid.
Then I would NOT want to come home to someone at my home. I like being alone. I always enjoyed my alone time, even shopping!

So how do u decide? ????? Fantasy? or Reality?
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Kaleigh

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Joined
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Date: 5/15/2010 10:35:57 PM
Author: jewelgal
Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful answers. I read them all twice.
Kids love me and I love kids. I grew up and before we got married I always wanted kids - there was no question. It was a done deal.
BUT after we bought a house and responsibilites set in - wow - we''re paying big bills and trying to save and I can''t just ''quit'' - I HAVE to work or
how''s all this gonna get paid?

SO - then that''s when I started to think of FACTS and no more ''fantasy''. Babies grow up. Cute 5 yr oldz grow up. Then they are 12 and 20 and driving and day to day things and I just want peace in my life and simplicity. But on weekends and vacations we think about how much more fun it would be if we had kids with us (our kids). BUT then vacation is over and we''re back to running hectic lives monday-friday and even saturdays we work too.

So the fantasy is nice, but reality is eesh! How would I and I wouldn''t want to taxi kids to and from activities, etc. socialize with people i don''t have time for bec i don''t even have time to see everyone now -

plus I can''t quit work. so who would raise my kid? what if i didn''t want to go back to work? then what? what if a family member watched my kid.
Then I would NOT want to come home to someone at my home. I like being alone. I always enjoyed my alone time, even shopping!

So how do u decide? ????? Fantasy? or Reality?
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I think you have made your decison, and you should be at peace with it. Not having kids is OK...
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TravelingGal

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Date: 5/15/2010 10:35:57 PM
Author: jewelgal
Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful answers. I read them all twice.
Kids love me and I love kids. I grew up and before we got married I always wanted kids - there was no question. It was a done deal.
BUT after we bought a house and responsibilites set in - wow - we're paying big bills and trying to save and I can't just 'quit' - I HAVE to work or
how's all this gonna get paid?

SO - then that's when I started to think of FACTS and no more 'fantasy'. Babies grow up. Cute 5 yr oldz grow up. Then they are 12 and 20 and driving and day to day things and I just want peace in my life and simplicity. But on weekends and vacations we think about how much more fun it would be if we had kids with us (our kids). BUT then vacation is over and we're back to running hectic lives monday-friday and even saturdays we work too.

So the fantasy is nice, but reality is eesh! How would I and I wouldn't want to taxi kids to and from activities, etc. socialize with people i don't have time for bec i don't even have time to see everyone now -

plus I can't quit work. so who would raise my kid? what if i didn't want to go back to work? then what? what if a family member watched my kid.
Then I would NOT want to come home to someone at my home. I like being alone. I always enjoyed my alone time, even shopping!

So how do u decide? ????? Fantasy? or Reality?
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Jewelgal, the best advice I can give you about having a kid from conception to birth and beyond is this:

Day. By. Day.

The questions you are are daunting for every prospective mother and for many mothers who are actually in the thick of things. We all wonder about stability, who will take care of the kid, etc etc. Sometimes I let my mind worry about Amelia and school. Bullies. Teen pregancy. What she will do for a living. Marriage. The list goes on and on.

When I think of these things, my heart pounds and I don't know if I can handle it. I thought about the things you mentioned before I had a kid, and it was daunting.

But I know what I can handle. I can always handle today.

You have to take life in small chunks otherwise the paralysis is overwhelming. I was on the fence for a long long time. So one day, I was ovulating. Could we handle having sex that day? Yup. Two weeks later, I was pregnant. I cried my guts out for half hour, but I could handle it. I could handle the first appointment with the doc. And on it went from there.

Could I handle leaving Amelia with a nanny for the first time? The thought made me ill, but the day came and I thought, if I can just get through the first hour. And I did. The list on that kind of stuff goes on and on.

What I'm saying is that while parenting is daunting, it IS doable, and even enjoyable if you can just focus on the here and now.

As for peace and simplicity...well, as a toddler mom, I will say that's gone out the window. If you value that highly, then definitely think about staying childless. Speaking only for myself, I will say that having a kid brought me something that I think few people REALLY have until they become parents. People can be happy, fulfilled, satisfied, challenged, content, and so many more things without ever having children. But my child brought me JOY. Deep, bursting, achingly pure, boundless, soul consuming joy.
 

TravelingGal

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Messages
17,193
LOL, just read the other posts...it seems that joy is the key feeling for many of us. Seriously, I didn''t realize was joy was until I had a kid. There is a reason why so many of us are using that word.
 

Mara

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Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
my husband has a phrase he likes to use for me when i get a little outta control on the minutae of things. ''analysis paralysis''... having all this information and trying to weigh different options makes it really hard to make a decision about something.

ditto china and TG re: being scared when they got pregnant. and i was scared through pregnancy and scared about what would happen afterwards. i''m still scared sometimes when i think about all the stuff i don''t know.

i examine the tiniest details and even *I* haven''t thought as far as who would taxi who where or what would happen when the kid is 5 or 10 or whatever.
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i am too busy enjoying my 4 month old son, who just a month ago was 3 months and a month before that only 2 months. the time is FLYING with him. and we plan to only have one so i am trying to cherish as much of it as i can.

i will probably have to be a working mom, but i know a lot of them who make it work. anything is possible.

i think if you continue to examine everything so closely you will never really be able to say ''yes lets try'', which is ok. or maybe you have made your decision, which is SO ok of course! whatever you decide is ok, its YOUR life. if you had asked me 3 or 5 years ago about kids, i probably would have been where you are--how do you fit a child into your life which is so busy already.

but for us there just came a point where we thought we''d regret NOT attempting to have a child, and maybe that is how we knew we were as ''close to ready'' as we''d ever be. because i do agree many times you are never READY. and ready for what, wow what a rollercoaster ride.

in any case just enjoy your time together because having a child is a decision you shouldn''t rush. life is short so regardless, just cherish it.
 

Cehrabehra

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Messages
11,071
Mara your post was beautiful :)

and to the op - the reality is better than the fantasy. Yes the poop is more real, but the way your heart swells when they smile is greater than any fantasy can imagine :)
 

Dancing Fire

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i''ve always say...if you gonna have kids have them early in life before it is too late. IMO...there''re many advantages being young parents.
 

lknvrb4

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Date: 5/15/2010 10:35:57 PM
Author: jewelgal
Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful answers. I read them all twice.

Kids love me and I love kids. I grew up and before we got married I always wanted kids - there was no question. It was a done deal.

BUT after we bought a house and responsibilites set in - wow - we''re paying big bills and trying to save and I can''t just ''quit'' - I HAVE to work or

how''s all this gonna get paid?


SO - then that''s when I started to think of FACTS and no more ''fantasy''. Babies grow up. Cute 5 yr oldz grow up. Then they are 12 and 20 and driving and day to day things and I just want peace in my life and simplicity. But on weekends and vacations we think about how much more fun it would be if we had kids with us (our kids). BUT then vacation is over and we''re back to running hectic lives monday-friday and even saturdays we work too.


So the fantasy is nice, but reality is eesh! How would I and I wouldn''t want to taxi kids to and from activities, etc. socialize with people i don''t have time for bec i don''t even have time to see everyone now -


plus I can''t quit work. so who would raise my kid? what if i didn''t want to go back to work? then what? what if a family member watched my kid.

Then I would NOT want to come home to someone at my home. I like being alone. I always enjoyed my alone time, even shopping!


So how do u decide? ????? Fantasy? or Reality?
33.gif

It sounds like you have your mind made up already. I have three kids and am a stay at home Mom who does daycare. I don''t get a lot of alone time. If you cherish your time and like being independent I don''t think kids may be the answer. When you have kids it becomes all about them for the most part for a while.
 

E B

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 31, 2005
Messages
9,490
I agree with Kaleigh and lknvrb4. It sounds like for you, there are more CONS than pros to having a child, and there's nothing wrong with that.

As the other mothers have said, children bring a lot of joy, but they're also a lot of work, and IMO, it's important to be (pretty firmly) on the 'yes' side of the fence before taking the 'big chance.' Otherwise, you're gambling on a HUGE life-changing decision, one you can't take back.

Enjoy any nieces and nephews you have. Being a 'fun aunt' may be just what you need- plenty of interaction with children with the option to send 'em home after a long day or weekend.
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Haven

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jewelgal--It''s OK to not have children. There are so many happy, fulfilled, child-free adults out there. I know so many women who never had children of their own and they are very happy people.

One of my fellow book club members is 59-years-old, married, and child-free. She and her husband decided that they didn''t want kids early on because they just weren''t into them, and they are truly as happy as can be. They are also some of the most interesting people I know. They are no less fulfilled because they don''t have children to make them happy. Truly and honestly.

I spent a lot of time with the elderly the last few years when my grandmother was living in an assisted living facility. (I wanted her to live with us, but she didn''t want to move out of the city. I hate that she was there, just so I don''t sound like an awful caretaker who put her grandmother into a home. It''s what she wanted. Anyway . . . ) I met a lot of people there who never had children and they definitely weren''t sitting on their beds pining away over the fact that they chose a different life. (And trust me, they were all pretty happy to share their grievances with me!) I also met people who *had* children but they spent most of their old age alone because the kids didn''t live in town or didn''t take the time to see them, anyway. (They told me all about their grievances, too.) I think that the "What will I want when I''m old and grey" image is something to consider, but the answer won''t be the same for everyone. Some people will want children, some will want different experiences, and they''re all the right answers as long as you choose the one that is true for you.

Of course, there are a lot of happy parents out there, too. And unhappy parents. And unhappy childless people, just as much as there are happy ones. I think once you commit to what you want out of life and pursue it, the choice is yours to be happy or not.

There''s a lot of literature out there about child-free living. I bet you could find some good resources for perspectives if you checked out your library or local bookstore.
 

appletini

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Joined
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Messages
2,696
Even if you don''t have children of your own, it doesn''t mean you can''t be very involved in the lives of other children. I''ve never been into having kids, but became more open-minded about it because DH would be such a great dad. He is great with kids, but he really surprised me and wants to be what he calls "the supporting cast."

We have two god-children and a nephew, and even though we don''t want kids of our own, we love "our" children. We love being involved with them and helping out as needed, and when they get older we''ll be at all of their events, etc. If something happened and we had to raise them, we''d do it in a heartbeat.
 

RaiKai

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I am a fencesitter as well. I used to worry about my fencesitting, and, now I have accepted this is just my nature and a result of both wanting children in some way...and being aware of what having children means in more practical and personal terms!

I am 31 soon, and DH is 36 soon. It will be 2-5 years before we start trying as we are only recently married and still want some more years of just the two of us (we have only been together about 19 months total).

I recognize having children will mean a lot of change...which is scary for someone who prizes alone time and spontaneity and lives a busy life...and a lot of flexibility which I am good at..but I do feel that DH and I are a team and together we can do it. He is going to be the one to stay at home with the kids and such. It takes off a lot of the pressure for me to know DH will be there with me and already shows himself to be a partner to me.

I do not think even in 2-5 years I won''t still be on the fence...but I do think I want to see what comes of it and am open to the experience and the change. I think I just have accepted that is who I am!

For me life is about being flexible and open...so I am ready to try even if I will still be a bit uncertain!

And if it turns out we cannot have them...which there is a chance of due to some risks I have...I will not regret that or not trying earlier either..my life is complete to me as is even without children (which may be part of my reasons for fencesitting!).

I don''t think that helps at all...but I do want to say you are not alone. I know many peers who had same feelings. Some had children, some have not, but none of them regret their choices and have found their own meaning in their choices. And neither choice is wrong.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Date: 5/16/2010 6:57:07 AM
Author: lknvrb4


It sounds like you have your mind made up already. I have three kids and am a stay at home Mom who does daycare. I don't get a lot of alone time. If you cherish your time and like being independent I don't think kids may be the answer. When you have kids it becomes all about them for the most part for a while.
Like others have said, there's nothing wrong with not having kids. I do think that parents can be judgemental of those who do not have kids particially because they've given up so much in order to have children and may be a bit jealous of loosing their independance. As a result, couples without children feel they've broken the standard get married & have kids protocal.

When/if you do have kids, you can find creative ways to have "alone time." My favorite is a very LONG shower, taking forever to do my hair and makeup. If it's the weekend, it takes me twice as long to get done up because I tweeze my eyebrows and other things to give myself peace and quiet.

Part of being a parent also involves teaching children to be independant. My boys can entertain themselves for hours while I read or clean (or type on PS).

ETA - and to add: I'm a SAHM to 7 & 9 year old boys.
 

Bliss

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Howdy! Former fencesitter here! DH has always wanted kids but I was ambivalent for years. I love kids, but I was afraid of what it would mean for my body (losing my figure), my career (sacrifices) and my relationship (stress!). Plus, I love alone time more than anyone I know! And I really like doing what I want when I want! So here's what went through my mind, being as honest as I can...

1. Regret - I realized that if we didn't have kids, we'd regret it one day. Having kids isn't for everyone. But we felt like we wanted to share our love by creating a family. We have a lot of love to give and felt that if we missed out on the opportunity, we'd regret it later in life. I do want to share that experience with DH and having been pregnant once, I am convinced that my life would not be complete without a bigger family of our own.

2. Screw the figure! Hey, I'll just work out like a banshee afterwards and get my body back! And even if I do have a few pounds more, it'll be worth it. Heck, I'd give my life for our baby! I will have to make a huge effort not to become the sweatpants wearing housewife who lets herself go... I want to have a rockin' body and have kids! Is this possible?
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OK, part of me is still scared. Maybe it's not realistic. My mom kept her rockin' body but I am SO MUCH LAZIER THAN SHE IS. I hope I'll make more of an effort, though!
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But also, seeing the gorgeous PS mamas with rockin' bodies (Yo, Mara!) go through something as beautiful as pregnancy truly helps. And they do have rockin' bodies afterwards, too! So there!
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3. Career Schmareer! At the end of my life, I sure as hell won't be saying, "Gosh, I wish I worked more! Wish I spent more Saturdays working so I could get that huge promotion!" or "I wish I had bought more diamonds!" Heck no. I think I'd be saying, "I wish I spent more time with my loved ones and doing more for our world." So that went out the window. Money's great but at what point does anyone feel they have enough? Do you really need 5 cars to be happy? 6 cars? Eh, not interested in the tremendous sacrifices it would take to sell my soul in that regard. I'm happy with success but don't need to kill myself to get one inch higher on the totem pole.

4. Alone time. Ahhh, this is probably going to be tough! But I'm counting on the fact that I will be creative and find ways to give my Kindle some love and attention along with the baby. Like MC, I'll take forever doing my hair and makeup...and take long showers...and go for long walks while they're at school. I don't know! I think this is where it is critical to have a supportive DH. With his help, I think I'll figure it out.

5. Giving up our hot & steamy relationship.
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Can I imagine nights not DTD anymore... or being too tired to cuddle and have couple time? Sure. But I think we'll make it through the rough times. If anything, we had a hard time during & after the m/c and it made us closer than ever. We know how to work things out and to help each other with how we're feeling now. So this kind of went out the window, too... somehow, we can make things work for us.

Those were the main issues. The funniest part of all this is, I didn't even have to weigh the options very carefully after all. When I hit 32, biology struck. I got baby fever. It wasn't even that I wanted babies, I wanted *DH's* baby. There was a primal urge to have his child from the love I felt for him. I have no idea how to explain it otherwise. It was weird! So all the stuff that bothered me above and made me question things... kind of went out the window! If you had told me 2 years ago that I'd be baby crazy, I would have laughed and laughed. I guess our timer went off and suddenly we wanted nothing more than to start a family.

On the flip side, though....someone should start a thread on the top 5 reasons they decided NOT to have kids. It would be interesting. I think child free couples are awesome, too. My mom always used to tell me to think about the child free option! She said that she loved us like crazy but she kind of wanted to spare me the tremendous sacrifices she'd made when she had us. Of course, as soon as I got married, she began demanding grandchildren.
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LOL
 

PumpkinPie

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 17, 2010
Messages
2,841
this is a great thread! I''m sort of a fence-sitter too. I think I want children, but sometimes just get overwhelmed with the idea and feel like I can''t breathe! that sounds like fence-sitting to me :) My husband is more firmly on the fence even than I am. We have a loose plan to start trying next April or May - which is a nice compromise as it is far enough away that I don''t panic about it and close enough that it seems like we have a plan (which helps my Type A personality and mental health). I loved reading all of the responses :)
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
24,364
I have never been a fence sitter, we knew we wanted kids all along. I also can fully understand why some peopel choose not to have kids, and I think that whatever decision you make is going to be the right one.

But one thing it is important to remember is that when you have a child, it is not "some kid" who is taking over your life. It is your child, a person with their own personality that will remind you of your husband, and yourself, and your relatives for better or worse. Someone who will add to the dynamics in the household and change the way you relate to your spouse and yourself. When you are thinking about having a child it is easy to imagine all the negatives, but it is too easy to overlook the positives because it is a big unkown who your child will be. But just keep it in mind. I would not make the sacrifices I make -- like my privacy, me time, sleeping in, all those lovely things -- I would not make those sacrifices for just some random person. But for my child, it is so much easier, because he gives back to me too. He enriches my life. Maybe it is joy, as others have said. Or maybe it is just a good belly laugh at times when he is silly. But the point I am making is that you need to make sure that you factor that big unknown -- your child -- into the equation when you are trying to decide about whether or not to have kids. Sure, on the cons side are all the things you mentioned. Jeez I miss those things every day! But on the pro side is a new human being. Who thinks you are the best in the world! Man, that is coooooool.
 

LaurenThePartier

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2004
Messages
10,100
Jewelgal, you''ve got a ton of great advice in this thread. No one can make this decision for you, but if you''re putting too many obstacles in your way, they will stack up against you. Just make sure you''re honest with yourself and don''t have children for anyone but YOU and your needs/desires!

I''ve been a fence-sitter until about the last 6 months, and I completely identify with Mara''s & Bliss'' posts on their thought process to leaning toward the "having kids" position. I think DH and I would be happy with kids or without them, but I think we would be wonderful parents. I often think of my own family and tears spring to my eyes from all of the wonderful memories I share with those I call "family". My perception of the parent-child relationship speaks to me in a way that says "joy", and I would love to share that experience with the person I love most in my life.

Our approach is much like Mara and her DH. We figured we may as well try before we get too old (I''m 34, DH is 31). I can also relate to TGal''s advice to take it day by day. Coming to the decision to have kids was one we have mulled over for the last 4 years of our marriage, daily. I think we''re going to try and see what happens, and if it happens - great! If it doesn''t - well, that''s great, too!
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,429
I have been agonizing over this as well, so this is a really great, great thread.

Honestly, having been on PS for so many years, and following some of these gals journey (i.e Mara, Travelingal) IN NO WAY do I mean this offensively, but I never pictured you two having children. However, both of you have done it. And so have many of my high school friends which I could NEVER imagine having kids.
I think because you both seemed very independent, very career/life oriented, and it never seemed to me (at least online wise) that being a mother was essential to either of you. Perhaps I am not expressing myself correctly, but what I mean is that your desire to be a mother did not seem to define who you are. I''ve always had this notion that if you didn''t see yourself primarily as a mother from the time you were young, you should not be a mother.

Part of me is so scared because I am getting older, and by the time I finish residency, I''ll be 36 years old, and I''m terrified of not being able to conceive and then regretting it. So I''m taking it the way TravelingGal said. Day, by day. Even in the decision making process. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that if I will be ready, then I''ll know. Probably it''s a combination of feeling overwhelmed by my life, and not feeling as though I''ve really *lived* I don''t think this is a decision that can be rushed along. I think you decide you want to have children, and then you have to have faith in your abilities to cope with whatever comes your way. Because, you can''t possibly be ready for every scenario that will occur.

Great topic Jewelgal. There are certinly no easy answers to this one.
 

ChinaCat

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 17, 2007
Messages
1,829
Date: 5/18/2010 4:07:16 PM
Author: allycat0303
I have been agonizing over this as well, so this is a really great, great thread.

Honestly, having been on PS for so many years, and following some of these gals journey (i.e Mara, Travelingal) IN NO WAY do I mean this offensively, but I never pictured you two having children. However, both of you have done it. And so have many of my high school friends which I could NEVER imagine having kids.
I think because you both seemed very independent, very career/life oriented, and it never seemed to me (at least online wise) that being a mother was essential to either of you. Perhaps I am not expressing myself correctly, but what I mean is that your desire to be a mother did not seem to define who you are. I''ve always had this notion that if you didn''t see yourself primarily as a mother from the time you were young, you should not be a mother.

Part of me is so scared because I am getting older, and by the time I finish residency, I''ll be 36 years old, and I''m terrified of not being able to conceive and then regretting it. So I''m taking it the way TravelingGal said. Day, by day. Even in the decision making process. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that if I will be ready, then I''ll know. Probably it''s a combination of feeling overwhelmed by my life, and not feeling as though I''ve really *lived* I don''t think this is a decision that can be rushed along. I think you decide you want to have children, and then you have to have faith in your abilities to cope with whatever comes your way. Because, you can''t possibly be ready for every scenario that will occur.

Great topic Jewelgal. There are certinly no easy answers to this one.
Beautifully said, Allycat.
 

Callisto

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
1,152
I''m still a bit young to start seriously considering having kids, but I really enjoy this thread. I''m pretty positive FF and I will try to have kids, but I''ve definitely not the kind of woman who feels I was "born to be a mother" or anything like that. I love kids(as long as it''s not like a room full of preschoolers) and they usually like me and like some people mentioned here I really want SO''s kids. My desire for children really increased when I met someone who I wanted to have kids WITH. But there are still days when I know I''ll miss my current lifestyle and there will also be childcare issues to worry about always as I do not want to be a SAHM. It''s nice to hear both sides of the issue though as I agree that its still not 100% accepted that some couples choose not to have children even though it is definitely a valid choice.
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
24,364
Date: 5/18/2010 4:07:16 PM
Author: allycat0303
I have been agonizing over this as well, so this is a really great, great thread.

Honestly, having been on PS for so many years, and following some of these gals journey (i.e Mara, Travelingal) IN NO WAY do I mean this offensively, but I never pictured you two having children. However, both of you have done it. And so have many of my high school friends which I could NEVER imagine having kids.
I think because you both seemed very independent, very career/life oriented, and it never seemed to me (at least online wise) that being a mother was essential to either of you. Perhaps I am not expressing myself correctly, but what I mean is that your desire to be a mother did not seem to define who you are. I've always had this notion that if you didn't see yourself primarily as a mother from the time you were young, you should not be a mother.

Part of me is so scared because I am getting older, and by the time I finish residency, I'll be 36 years old, and I'm terrified of not being able to conceive and then regretting it. So I'm taking it the way TravelingGal said. Day, by day. Even in the decision making process. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that if I will be ready, then I'll know. Probably it's a combination of feeling overwhelmed by my life, and not feeling as though I've really *lived* I don't think this is a decision that can be rushed along. I think you decide you want to have children, and then you have to have faith in your abilities to cope with whatever comes your way. Because, you can't possibly be ready for every scenario that will occur.

Great topic Jewelgal. There are certinly no easy answers to this one.
This is an interesting observation Allycat. Though you don't know me as well, I am the same kind of woman as your describe, and I am a new professor with a 14 month old so I feel your pain about career and balance and age and all that. I also made the decision about when to have kids based on one day at a time. There is no "perfect" time in a woman's life if she has a career, and if you accept that it takes a lot of the fear out of things.

But you know what is funny? When you have kids you don't really change. You are still *you* but with a kid in the mix too
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I always sort of thought it was some sort of transformative thing, that you become "mom" first and then everything else about your identity fades. I think it is like that for some women, and that is fine. But I know for me and my close friends, we are all academics and thus career women extraordinaire
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, we forget we have kids all the time. We are still exactly the same as we used to be with the same goals and everything else. We just have a bigger family and extra people to think about when we plan our days. You can find balance in your life if you don't have unrealistic expectations about being super mom and super career woman and super everything. Just be you and it all can fall into place.

ETA Or choose not to have kids, whatever you want
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Not trying to be bossy "have kids" lady! I just think the fears that young career oriented women feel are universal and thought I could share my own experience.
 
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