Question for moms

[Hudson_Hawk]

During the initial few weeks after LO arrived, were you and DH/SO both home together? How much of that time was really spent with each other and the baby? Did you each take shifts watching LO, did you still need alone time? DH and I are contemplating a project at home and the timing of the project. It would be great to do while we're both home after Aidan is born but I've been told we'll both just be SO devoted to taking care of the baby and house it's simply not realistic. The project I'm talking about is replacing the carpet in the upstairs hallway of our townhouse. We have room to "live" for the day or two the project would take on our first floor so being around dust, etc wouldn't be an issue.

My feeling is that DH and I get along great when we have stuff to do together, but we definitely need alone time away from each other. Especially when we don't have things to occupy our time. I know I'd be really peeved if DH, in an effort to avoid being bored, played video games or did work for the job he hates and is on a break from. I'd be just as annoyed if he hovered over me all the time. And DH also isn't a cleaner or a cook. I'd rather have him go and do something constructive for 60% of the time and then help and take over for the other 40%. Obviously if he wants more time with the baby I'll gladly give it.

How did you manage your time together and your alone time while you were both home with the LO after birth?

 

[janinegirly]

HH: how much time are you talking about? Because I think most DH's get 2 wks at most. Mine got 4 but took 2 upfront and 2 a month later. I personally would not tag on a project during that period when both of you are home. Yes it would be convenient to knock a project out, but you will be tired and in a haze trying to adjust. It's not all devotion--it's recovery, no sleep, no showering (I know they say always make time to, but I didn't!) and running out for the things you didn't buy pre-birth (the unexpected). The baby does sleep for long periods, but you may want to sleep then too! In terms of DH, each one is different but mine did take some night shifts, get dinners, cook, fill in the gaps. He did also use the time to run some errands out of the house though since 2 wks straight is a long period to be home. I don't think we really got sick of each other -- the baby kind of took the focus away from us. DH did need space though, and durng those times he did the errands and honestly I didn't mind! Keep in mind we were in a small apt in NY!

So while I would say it's fine to assume he will do his own thing from time to time or take a break to get some stuff done, I don't know that I would dictate what that will be beforehand, especially if it affects living space. Just my initial thoughts, let's see what others say!

 

[Mara]

G took 3 weeks off. In CA, paternity leave is 6 weeks.

We had a LOT of time to ourselves. The babe slept 16-18 hours a day and we slept when he did but even then we didn't need 16 hours of sleep. We kept wondering why people kept asking if we were sleep deprived?? We had tons of sleep! But from day 1, the baby slept like 3-4 hour stretches at a time. We spent the rest of the time hanging out, watching TV, G worked 1-2 hours a day from home just catching up on email, etc. We didn't have issues being by ourselves, in fact it was great to have so much time together. We had to figure out a few things to not get into each others hair too much though.

About 2 weeks into it J did the 'wakeup' which is typical and demanded more attn, more time, things took longer to do, even things like putting him to sleep wasn't as easy as before etc. It might even have been around 1.5 weeks, trying to remember.

I would say just know that the baby could be more or less demanding but that you'd PROBABLY have some time for a home project. I actually did have G do some things around the house while home. He also always went out to the grocery store and to get us food so I could stay home with the baby.

And know that about 2 weeks is when they start to expect more. Good luck!

 

[Jennifer W]

We were both home and the three of us were together. Neither of us wanted to be away from the other two in the early days. It wasn't something we planned, but we were within touching distance most of the time for about four months. Probably the only time in our lives we'll be so close, emotionally and physically and I wouldn't have changed a thing. I typically like personal space, but it didn't really matter at that point, since there's precious little of it when you're breast feeding a newborn anyway. We couldn't do shifts, since I wasn't able to pump breastmilk successfully. We do rub along just fine in close confinement.

A project would have been a disaster for us though. (I married an architect. Even the simplest of his projects will typically involve me seeing daylight where there should be none when looking at at least one wall of my house.)

Jen

 

[fieryred33143]

Hopefully not too many other moms will slap me on the hand when I say I think you are cray-cray for taking on this project after Aidan is here! And I say that with love.

I don’t have much advice to give on how to manage the time since FI and I royally sucked in the first few weeks. But I do ditto Janine in that those first few weeks are about recovering and getting settled which for some they only need a few days while it can take weeks for others. I remember having days where I felt great and would go on all day errands with her and when it was time to unwind, I felt like my insides were going to fall right out and needed to sleep the rest of the night popping Tylenol and with icepacks.

As for DH, time will tell. If I could give anyone advice I would say to just have DH there even if he is twirling his fingers not knowing what to do. The emotional support is almost as important as his help in other areas.

When FI did help me out, it was mainly at night. I would nurse and hand her over to him so that he could swaddle and rock her back to sleep. It took him all of 10 minutes (repeated every 2-3 horus) but it was a huge help.

OH and as far as alone time, I craved it badly. I didn't plan too many things alone because she was EBF but I would drive to the coffee shop across the street and stare at the wall for 30 minutes or so.

 

[Sabine]

The first few weeks are a blur for me (honestly, I think they were so hard I blocked them out), but I can say with 100% confidence we would not have been able to handle it. Of course, my dh only had 1 week off (my mom stayed for 2 weeks though), I had a c-section, ds was colicky and had reflux and didn't sleep well, and we had bfing issues so we were on a crazy nursing/pumping/bottle feeding schedule every 2 hours. Honestly, I think it was the bfing issues that took up the most time, and I barely had ANY time to sleep and was exhausted beyond belief.

Although your situation sounds like it might be better in terms of time, if you do happen to have a c/s or you are committed to bfing but it doesn't come easily, it might be really tough to get anything done.

 

[ChinaCat]

I'm with Fiery. If everything goes really well and you have an easy labor/birth and your baby is healthy and doesn't have colic and sleeps really well at first and you are BF and that doesn't give you problems and you aren't crying in the shower like most moms, then of course you could handle it.

But the chances are that isn't going to happen.

I did have an easy labor/birth, O had no issues, did not have colic, only cried when hungry or tired and has always been a good sleeper. I had no problems BF. And I do not remember the first few weeks, I did cry in the shower, all the time, and there is NO WAY I would have wanted strange workers in my house or my DH to be off doing some project when I needed him to take the baby or keep me company or pick up food or walk the dog or whatever.

I remember feeling like ALL I did was feed the kid. In between I tried to take a shower/bath and maybe eat. If you are exclusively breast-feeding, you feed the baby AT LEAST every 2.3/3 hours, but most likely you will be feeding him on demand to get your supply up. Which means 3 hours from when he STARTS feeding. Newborns can take up to an hour to feed. Then you are changing diapers, swaddling, shushing, soothing, whatever it takes to get him to sleep. Then he may sleep for 3 hours, or he may sleep for 30 minutes and it starts all over again. Point is you can't count on any sort of schedule.

I remember after a few days just going outside and standing on the porch to feel the sunlight. I remember being so excited to go pick up food just to get out of the house.

Your DH, on the other hand, may have time. My DH was super involved and helpful, but they just can't feed a baby if you're BF. So if it's a simple project and it will take a day or two and your DH just has to be around the house, probably not a big deal.

It's just such a crapshoot as to how it will be for you. You can plan and plan and plan and you still won't be able to imagine what it will be like. Every baby is different and every parent reacts differently.

It's a stressful, wonderful, overwhelming, exhausting time. I just don't see why you'd put extra stress on you and your DH if you don't have to. But that's just how I see it.

If you still want to do it, page Burk. I think she moved and is doing some crazy home reno project with a toddler and a newborn.

 

[somethingshiny]

DH says he'll have time.

I say DH is full of it and clearly doesn't remember what happened.



I really think it depends on your parenting style though. If you're gonna be parents that must hold the baby at all times, probably no extra time. If you're gonna be parents who use a crib and CIO, you'll have more time available.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don't think I would have been PHYSICALLY capable of a reno project the first few weeks...or months. My kid did not sleep, BFing was a huge challenge, and I had some complications which resulted in a longer recovery. I would do whatever projects you want to do NOW.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I agree, no projects lady, that is insane!

Dh took 6 weeks of leave and my mom was also with us the first 10 days. We opted in the first couple weeks to basically have someone holding the baby all the time, we liked it and he liked it, so one of us was always doing that. Otherwise, if you BF it is a full time job, 12 hours a day sometimes and spread around the whole clock. I basically camped on the couch with the baby and then let DH and my mom do everything else. We went for walks, watched TV, DH or my mom held the baby and I had time to myself (PS, e-mail, reading, naps, shower). The first two weeks went by like that.

So, no, he would not have been able to change the carpet at that time He was carrying things (I could not), helping me walk up the stairs (I could not), helping me stand and sit (fractured tail bone), bouncing the crying baby, making meals, renting videos for us to watch, doing laundry... everything I was unable and unwilling to do As I said, I spent 12 hours a day nursing. I figured if I was "working" 12 hours per day then he could too. We watched TV, read books, fiddled on the internet, he went golfing sometimes, we went to the mall. We had a great time. It was like one long weekend. I did not mind the lack of sleep in part because I had so much support.

I need my alone time, and I got it when Hunter slept in the day, we would often do our own thing. But we are also the type of couple that spends all our free time together, so it was natural for us to do the same thing on leave.

If I have one piece of unsolicited advice it is to hold your DH to a high standard re: his contribution around the house right from the start. He may not be a cooker or cleaner, but if it needs doing, he should do it when you are in that recovery period. If you are the type of woman who does not want anyone else doing things "for you" then prepare for a loooooong and hard first 6 weeks, and know you are more vulnerable to post-partum depression to boot. I recommend getting used to asking for help and accepting it when it is offered.

 

[KimberlyH]

we moved four days after our daughter was born (she was early, we didn't plan for it to happen in that order). it was a bit hectic but i didn't feel overwhelmed minus a few instances. my mom was with us, she took care of me and the baby, my husband handled the move; it was hard on him. we were eating homecooked, by him, meals day 3 in our new house.

so i don't think a project is unreasonable, but don't expect it to get finished, just in case the transition to a family of 3 is hard for you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Also you might want to consider the noise your project might make. I did not insulate my daughter and walk on eggshells but excessive/loud noise could disrupt EVERYONE'S sleep patterns.

 

[PinkTower]

I don't think I would have been PHYSICALLY capable of a reno project the first few weeks...or months. My kid did not sleep, BFing was a huge challenge, and I had some complications which resulted in a longer recovery. I would do whatever projects you want to do NOW.

I agree with Tacori. You should plan on doing the projects now if they are important. You sound as if you are planning to help with the project, is that right? But what if you have complications? I went into the hospital at 33 weeks and that was not how I imagined things would go. Pulling up the carpet would have never crossed my mind upon our return home, even if it had been tops on my agenda prior to the baby's arrival.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Just to clarify, this isn't a project for ME to do, this is something for DH to do while we're home. I obviously won't be doing any pushing, pulling tearing or laying anytime between now and post delivery.

 

[phoenixgirl]

It does sound kind of "cray cray." I'd say wait and see how you feel . . . and don't knock down any walls or commit yourself in any way that you can't back out of if you need to. If you have a C/S you may need more help from your DH than you are anticipating.

This may seem like a strange question, but are you planning to breastfeed? Many moms have a difficult time of it at the beginning, and if baby has any latch or weight issues and you're feeding around the clock and possibly pumping or mixing formula as well, it can be totally exhausting, and you won't really care if DH doesn't cook or clean at that point because he's just going to have to figure out how you're going to have dinner that night! And he better not leave dishes lying around for you to do either!

So I'd leave the option open, but don't back yourselves in a corner where you have to get the project done or else you don't have a nursery or a working bathroom or something. A couple weeks in, my DH started to fall back into his regular routine of bike rides, concerts, meeting friends for a drink, and all of a sudden he was wanting to go out 5 nights a week while I was at home doing my crazy feed/pump/supplement cycle. I didn't want to be one of "those women" who let their baby totally change their lives, but this was just ridiculous since I was totally changing mine and he wasn't at all, and we did have to change our expectations of how much we could do outside of taking care of our baby and each other.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

It does sound kind of "cray cray." I'd say wait and see how you feel . . . and don't knock down any walls or commit yourself in any way that you can't back out of if you need to. If you have a C/S you may need more help from your DH than you are anticipating.

This may seem like a strange question, but are you planning to breastfeed? Many moms have a difficult time of it at the beginning, and if baby has any latch or weight issues and you're feeding around the clock and possibly pumping or mixing formula as well, it can be totally exhausting, and you won't really care if DH doesn't cook or clean at that point because he's just going to have to figure out how you're going to have dinner that night! And he better not leave dishes lying around for you to do either!

So I'd leave the option open, but don't back yourselves in a corner where you have to get the project done or else you don't have a nursery or a working bathroom or something. A couple weeks in, my DH started to fall back into his regular routine of bike rides, concerts, meeting friends for a drink, and all of a sudden he was wanting to go out 5 nights a week while I was at home doing my crazy feed/pump/supplement cycle. I didn't want to be one of "those women" who let their baby totally change their lives, but this was just ridiculous since I was totally changing mine and he wasn't at all, and we did have to change our expectations of how much we could do outside of taking care of our baby and each other.

I 100% completely admit that I'm currently stark raving mad and in full-on nesting mode. I'm sure this compulsion will pass soon and the need wont be quite so intense. I feel silly for saying this, but I'm not usually a tidy or overly clean person, so the thought of house work not being done is really not a concern of mine at this point. And I know DH is happy to live off of cereal so cooking for him wont be necessary. But yes, I have no idea what sort of birth experience I will have and how I'll feel after leaving the hospital. Similarly, while I do plan on EBFing, who knows if that will work out. It's all up in the air. I'm just delusional and full of crazy at the moment.

 

[Jennifer W]

LOL! You're full of hormones is all. Take it a day at a time with a new born - you'll figure out whether the project is a possibility or not. Some people can do stuff like that - my best friend redecorated her new house with her two day old baby in a baby sling. I could barely pour myself a glass of water.

Have to say, DD is 2 now and the project we began just before her birth is still un-finished. We've been working through one room at a time for renovation and redecoration and we began on the dining room in my last trimester. DH did most of the structural work, but found some dampness that had to be dealt with, meaning that plaster walls got stripped back to bare stonework. It got a first re-coat of plaster just before my due date, and some of the woodwork was replaced last year when DH took some time off work to do it, but it is still, two years on, a long way from being a room we can use. Granted, we are idle and lack focus, but when we have free time, we tend to spend it just hanging out and playing with DD. If one of us is doing DIY in our free time, the other has to be looking after DD which we ,do prefer doing together.

Of course, to compound the problem, DD's daycare is in DH's office, so if he does take time off work, she's home too. Nothing like a two year old 'helping' with lime plaster and power tools to slow up a project...

Jen

 

[Mara]

I think every Mom and capabilities of families are different. Only you know that about you guys HH. But the ladies are right in that you don't know what the outcome from L&D will be. I have a friend who had a CS and was up and walking around 3 days later because she said she just simply could not be down for the count longer than that, there was a new baby who needed care. She also had no family nearby to help.

re: eating cereal every night, it's not about him being happy to eat cereal every night. It's that he should be feeding both of you because it's your job to feed the baby. I doubt after a few days of cereal you will be happy to continue that every meal for 2-3 weeks. We did a ton of takeout.

and ditto setting expectations for DH beforehand, we totally mapped out before birth what 'responsibilities' would be so that there were no surprises afterwards. it was his job to take care of me and it was my job to take care of the baby. though a few times i went out and got us dinner or went to the store, it was mostly him. and he was the lead on diaper duty simply because he liked it.

Dreamer...when you said the time you guys had together was like a long weekend, that is totally how it was for us too. It was great!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Speaking only for myself here, I'll tell you one thing I didn't expect after Amelia was born...

I was hit, all at once at the hospital, at what a HUGE responsibility Amelia was, and that the responsibility was mine. Not OURS, but MINE. Oh, I knew in my head she was our child, and what not, but somehow keeping this kid alive was up to me. After the poignant moment passed, I have to say, I kinda thought it wasn't fair.

TGuy is a pretty good dad, and was helpful, but the care of the child disproportionately fell to me. TGuy was in a new job so could not take more than a few days off work. When he was around, I wanted him to help me in raising the kid. Him doing a project wouldn't have sat well with me, because I was stuck with a project I was less than thrilled with.

But hey, I've always admitted that the first several weeks really sucked for me. I'm not a goo goo ga ga mom, and I didn't particularly think being a mom was all that. I think I was one of the earlier moms on PS who suggested mothers should go cry in the shower...I was a pro at it.

So in a nutshell: You know what you guys are like but IMHO: No.

 

[waxing lyrical]

I wouldn't attempt any projects in the early postpartum weeks. My husband was home for two weeks on R&R leave. He went back to Afghanistan when Henry was two weeks old. It was just me and the kids. My mom helped out when she wasn't working, so that helped some.

I had a very easy birth with Henry. I was in the shower a couple hours after his birth while my midwives and mom cleaned everything up. Even with the easy birth here were issues from the start because he dropped a bunch of weight in the first five days. The first few weeks pp were pretty hectic because he had tongue tie issues and couldn't breastfeed efficiently, thus the weight drop. We made a lot of trips to the doctors in the first couple weeks. By week three I was exclusively pumping and that was exhausting with a newborn and two other kids to take care of. Breastfeeding was a struggle and had to be put on hold until we had his tongue tie taken care of. Things were stressful and hectic in the beginning, to say the least. Even if my husband was home I'm sure it still would have been hectic.

He was deployed when I had Grace. I stayed with my mom for a month. She developed *really* bad reflux when she was 4 weeks old and that gave me a lot of anxiety. She was very colicky until the meds kicked in. She was a relatively easy baby. I had postpartum depression with her and Evangeline.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry for the threadjack, but Lux, what was your "name" before? I recognize your avatar but I can't remember who it belongs to.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Sorry for the threadjack, but Lux, what was your "name" before? I recognize your avatar but I can't remember who it belongs to.

Waxing Lyrical!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Thanks LA/WL, I knew the baby names/DH situation sounded familiar but I didn't know who you were either.

Ladies, thank you all so much for your input. As I said previously, while the project is a go I do suffer from momentary delusions of productivity and efficiency. We've decided to do the project either before Aidan gets here (so the next 6-10 weeks) or later in the year when we're more settled.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry for the threadjack, but Lux, what was your "name" before? I recognize your avatar but I can't remember who it belongs to.

Waxing Lyrical!

Thanks DD!