Please help...I need some serious advice...

[Italiahaircolor]

I''ve always owned the fact that my relationship with my in laws isn''t the greatest. Frankly, it''s always been really difficult and hard. This past year I''ve made a major effort to let things move on more easily then I did the past. For example, instead of getting emotionally wrecked over things that were said or done to hurt or offend me, I''d just mentally laugh it off as "just another day in paradise" and let it go. For the most part, this has made everything so much easier. I''ve been able to get past our relationships shortcomings much easier, and I''ve had much less anxiety over being around them.

All of that was great and down right livable until last night.

Background:

My SIL was married before and had children very young--when she was 16. She has a daughter my age, who is getting married over the upcoming holiday weekend in a town about 10 hours away from us on Friday evening. I''m not close with my SIL--and even more distant from her daughter. Her daughter is nice enough, don''t get me wrong, but we have next to nothing in common with each other and I think in the expanse of my marriage, I''ve seen her a grand total of 5 times.

However, I''ve always tried to make a effort to be kind to her. Including her wedding shower, which I wasn''t even invited too...I organized and sent a recipe box to the bride. When the guest list first arrived, I wasn''t on it...I later received an "updated" list with 1 extra person, me, on it. Basically, clearly, I was an afterthought. I didn''t care either way--and I went ahead with the original gift idea thanks to the suggestions I got on this site even before getting the updated list. The bride loved it and I was pleased she liked it.

Now, we''ve been very upfront with the fact that we wouldn''t be going to the wedding. It has nothing to do with my feelings, or anything like that...we just can''t swing it. We''re spread very thin this year between me finishing school and working my regular job...also the fact that I somehow thought it would be "a good idea" to try and open a small side business which parlayed from a hobby. Whatever. We''re just super busy. Not to mention we''re taking an extended vacation in August and will be gone nearly the whole month.

We explained at the time that, although we''d love to be there, it''s just not possible. We understand the importance of the wedding, we''re not trying to slight anyone...but we''re at max capacity when it comes to time management. It''s not an excuse, it just is what it is. We can''t be all things to all people all the time.

So, last night, we get a phone call from my in laws.

My MIL and FIL get on the phone--making a huge point that I''m there to "listen in"--and gets started on how I''ve divided this family and caused so much tension. How I value work more than family and how disappointed they are. MIL takes it back to when my husband and I were getting married (3 years ago) point out all the mistakes I made and how this couple (SIL''s daughter and boyfriend at the time) were at my wedding. She honest-to-God lied about me not letting her invite my husbands Aunts to our shower and a whole laundry-list of other things that were fundamentally untrue. Things that have nothing to do with the supposed issue at hand.

I was shocked. I tried to defend myself while holding my tongue and being respectful. I corrected the misinformation--telling her, with examples, that the Aunts were invited...that I was very accommodating to my SIL''s children when they asked to bring dates three days before the wedding (which involved reworking tables), and even sent my husband to collect them from the airport on our wedding day. I made a point of saying, over and over, that I''ve always done the best I know how to do.

My in laws then accuse me of being bitter over the shower invitation--telling me that I was always invited--again, untrue, since I had the original guest list in hand. I explained that was absolutely not the case, that I wasn''t upset or hurt or trying to even the score. That being invited or not didn''t matter much either way, and I (again) just wanted to do the right thing.

At this point, it started to spiral, my FIL started telling me how I''ve caused so much hurt and tension...and asking me if I didn''t notice that at Christmas--I said, at Christmas, we never even discussed the wedding. So then he asked for "examples" of why I am "the way I am"...and I asked him exactly how far back he wanted me to go, and ended up sharing the example of the night Mark and I got engaged--the night when, instead of congratulations, I was lectured on how this was "forever" and there were no "take backs"--basically calling my character and commitment into question on the night that should have been just for celebration...and my FIL, I kid you not, told me I was an incredibly shallow little girl.

My husband lost it. Yelled at them that he was hanging up to take care of his family, his wife.

My husband and I are now at a major cross roads. He has had enough...he is so hurt and embarrassed and angry...he has gone so far as to say he never wants to speak with them again. And while I''m embarrassed and hurt and angry, I feel like having my husband estrange himself from his parents isn''t the way to go.

See, my MIL has had this fear since jump street that I was going to "take her son" from her. And I''ve always, always done my absolute best to never do that--I''ve been encouraging and open and I''ve never, absolutely never, stood in the way of their relationship. True, I may have voiced my feelings over the years...but I''ve never drawn a line in the sand and said "them or me". And I feel like, if I just let him estrange himself from them, that I have then given validation to all their fears about me--essentially saying, MIL & FIL you''re right--I just wanted to divide your family and steal your son. And I just can''t live with that. I also fear that in time my husband will grow to resent me--although he denies this--for being a part of this drama.

Tomorrow is Fathers Day...and I''m thinking that I should try to reach out them. I know the smart things, the most benign thing, this is to butt out and let them work it out in their own way, in their own time...but my husband can be stubborn and I fear the longer this goes on, the harder it will be. My husband, honest to God, would never estrange himself if it weren''t for how they treat me...and I feel responsible in many ways for that.

So please, tell me what to do. I promised myself I wouldn''t air my "dirty laundry" on this site anymore...but this situation needs fresh eyes and it''s so much bigger than what I can work my mind around right now...

thank you all so much.

 

[Indylady]

Italia, I am so, so sorry to hear about how your in-laws are treating you.

Now, down to business. I would get him something for Father''s Day. Without a doubt. I see that you''ve been trying the "kill em'' with kindness" routine and it isn''t working, but I''d keep it up regardless. If they''re telling someone this, "Ugh, she had the nerve to send me a present!" sounds way better than, "Ugh, she didn''t send FIL anything for Father''s day! This proves what we''ve been saying all along!"

I think your in-laws will come around, I really do. It might take time, but I think they will.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 6/20/2010 12:17:49 AM
Author: IndyLady
Italia, I am so, so sorry to hear about how your in-laws are treating you.


Now, down to business. I would get him something for Father''s Day. Without a doubt. I see that you''ve been trying the ''kill em'' with kindness'' routine and it isn''t working, but I''d keep it up regardless. If they''re telling someone this, ''Ugh, she had the nerve to send me a present!'' sounds way better than, ''Ugh, she didn''t send FIL anything for Father''s day! This proves what we''ve been saying all along!''


I think your in-laws will come around, I really do. It might take time, but I think they will.

My in laws in another state, so I actually did a send a gift already. Before all of this happened. I couldn''t not acknowledge the importance of that day, obviously, like you said--it''s just the right thing to do.

I was actually thinking more along the things of a phone call (which I''m scared to do, to be honest, our last phone call ended with me shaking and throwing up) or an e-mail (where I can remove the emotions and temper what I want to say).

Thank you so much for the support...I''m really so lost in this whole thing and very uncomfortable.

 

[Indylady]

I would call, and if they didn''t answer, I''d leave a message wishing FIL and MIL a Happy Father''s Day from you and your hubby.

They are driving themselves away from your hubby, and they can''t seem to see that. I do think that your hubby is doing the right thing by standing up for you and your marriage. I am SO sorry. My aunt recently told me that the rude daughter in law is the one that the family listens to, because they''re afraid of her. The nice daughter in law is the one that the in-laws take advantage of. This aunt has had a lot of in-law issues and lived in the same building as her in-laws until they passed away, and ate dinner with them every night.

Maybe you need to switch gears? Perhaps you''ve been too nice, too respectful, and put up with their BS for too long. I don''t think its a good idea to cut them out of your life. This just proves what they''ve thought all along. Now that I''ve thought more (and read some of your other threads!), I actually do not think you should call. Not calling tomorrow doesn''t mean you''ve cut off ties with them, or should cut off ties. Since things are so yucky now, what do you have to loose by trying a different approach? Again, lots and lots of hugs to you Italia.

 

[iheartscience]

Honestly I wouldn''t call them. It''s your husband''s family and right now he doesn''t want to talk to them. I think you need to respect that.

 

[Octavia]

Oh, Italia, I'm sorry this issue is rearing its ugly head again. I honestly think they look for reasons to stir up trouble, like they just can't handle it when things are going along (relatively) smoothly. And when people crave conflict, they will get it one way or another.

If I were in your shoes, I would not call tomorrow. You've already done what you needed to do by sending the gift, and I fear that if you speak to them at all, it will just fan the flames. I suppose the could say you're "ungrateful" or something if you don't call, but they're going to say that anyway, and it will only upset you more to speak to them so soon. If M wants to call them, he should...but if he does, I think you should be conveniently out so they can't suck you into it.

Otherwise, I think it would be good for M to take some time to simmer down until he can think rationally about the situation and decide what HE wants to do about them. Because at heart, I really think it has far less to do with you as a person than with the fact that you're his wife. I'd be shocked if, in an alternate universe where you two had never met, they'd treat any other person in your place much differently. Now is probably not the best time to make big decisions, so a cooling-off period (a week, a month, somewhere in between) might help M think more clearly about the path he wants to take, and it will be important for you to support him either way. The inlaws...well, they might never think rationally but one can only hope. And remember, even if M decides to restrict contact for awhile, doesn't mean it has to be forever -- and part of being supportive is understanding if and when he changes his mind.

This is only my take on things, but I really think you shouldn't beat yourself up over something tha isn't within your control. If you'd gone to the wedding, there would have been some other drama in the near future. You could be a Stepford daughter-in-law and it probably wouldn't be enough.

 

[Mara]

They have already proven they don''t think highly of you, and talking to them only upsets you...so why continue down that same path when previous efforts have not been successful? I would not contact them.

You may not want for him to cut ties, but they are his family...and you have to respect what he decides. As someone else said, it doesn''t have to be forever. I don''t know if he has ever said to them...hey this is my wife and you better respect her or I won''t be around anymore. If not, he should. But if he has, and they still are giving you both grief, then maybe a hiatus is in order.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 6/20/2010 1:03:36 AM
Author: thing2of2
Honestly I wouldn''t call them. It''s your husband''s family and right now he doesn''t want to talk to them. I think you need to respect that.

Ditto. These people turn everything you say and do into negative, sometimes completely false drama. You calling him tomorrow so fresh out of an argument that has not been resolved will only give them more ammunition against you because that is how they are.

If it were me in *my* relationship, I would probably encourage my FI to call his father to wish him a happy holiday. But you know your husband best. I completely agree though that you should not be the one to call. I''ve read a few of your in-law stories and I have to say that you do get involved in a lot of their drama. I think it''s time to take a step back and let your DH work through this wih them.

 

[Circe]

Date: 6/20/2010 1:03:36 AM
Author: thing2of2
Honestly I wouldn''t call them. It''s your husband''s family and right now he doesn''t want to talk to them. I think you need to respect that.

This. In my marriage, I''m the one with the "tempestuous" family. If I was fighting with my folks and my husband was being conciliatory, I would view it as undermining of the highest order.

Here''s the thing: his family is controlling and insane. You keep saying that all of the problems are about you, and otherwise everything would be peachy keen, but I just don''t buy it. If they act like this towards you, "the interloper," I''m betting there''s a hell of a lot of manipulation and ickiness in the past, too - we always save our "best" for the ones we love.

Your husband is making his choice: he''s defending you, and, more than that, he''s choosing rationality over irrationality. Let him. Either they realize that they cannot behave like this, or you have to deal with them less. Either way, win-win.

P.S. - I speak from experience. I''ve been "disowned" four times. Each time, my folks realized that was too far to push me, and stopped. Controlling parents aren''t in this to alienate their kids: they''re in it to control them. Don''t let them.

 

[Steel]

How horrible that telephone call must have been for you. I am sorry. At least DH''s family have the good grace to ignore my existance.

I would not call today.

When this all dies down I would thank your DH for standing up for you, many other PS''ers have posted a similar conversation where their DH did not support them. He is a good one.

Try to remember that although you are the topic, this is not about you. You do not have to fix it.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 6/20/2010 7:14:41 AM
Author: Steal
Try to remember that although you are the topic, this is not about you. You do not have to fix it.

This. I can only imagine how hard it would be to just stand by and watch your husband separate himself from his family and this whole mess, but it is his decision, not yours. And probably a good one - his family has issues

 

[KimberlyH]

No matter who is right or wrong it''s his family, his choice. I would not interfere with his decision, but I might encourage him not to cut off all contact once things have calmed down.

 

[Ryan Claire]

I am really sorry to hear the horrible exchange you had with your in-laws and what seems like has been a tough relationship from day one. I think sometimes it''s good to get outsiders perspectives on things, which is why ps can be such a nice outlet...

I guess I would ask what you would hope to get out of contacting your in-laws today? Really try to identify what you your motives are - and then assess the risks and rewards of that outreach. And of course, talk to your husband and let him know what you want to do - send an e-mail, call, not contact them. See what he thinks and see what he feels comfortable with or wants to do. I agree with a lot of the other women who have said that since it is his family you may want to let him take the lead. Also, it''s all still fresh and raw, I would encourage him not to think in absolutes... he does not need to cut his parents off FOREVER... but maybe he does need a few weeks/months to get some distance and figure out what kind of relationship will work for you four. I imagine there will be a lot of work that needs to be done to resume a cordial family relationship, and that will take time too. But again to echo some of the other posts... you have a great DH who prioritizes you and your feelings. It does not have to be YOU or THEM, but you do have to come first and he is showing you and them that that is exactly how things stand. Whatever you do, seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and a supportive DH - and you guys will figure it out.

My MIL is also someone who fears the DILs will steal her sons away from the family and every event we miss is confirmation of that fact... so I feel you and can see how you don''t want this fight to be the fulfillment of that fear. Rock and a hard place... So sorry and good luck.

 

[onedrop]

I am not sure what will be accomplished by you calling your FIL today. I think there is too much potential for a telephone call no matter how good your intentions, to backfire on you because your ILs appear to be able to twist any situation into an attack on you. In addition, your DH has said that he does not want to communicate with his parents right now. I would abide by his wishes. It''s been said already, but perhaps after your DH cools off he will be able to make a rational decision about what kind of interaction he wants to have with his family in the future.

 

[lyra]

I would leave it be. Maybe things will blow over given *true* distance over time. Maybe it''ll take a year or two. Clearly your husband at this point in time, needs some space that is free of his family drama. You seem agreeable enough in everything you''ve done. You can''t always win with inlaws, or ever win at all it seems. Hubby is a grown up and it''s time for him to have some distance which equates to drama free living, for a while. Stand by his decision and prompt him later.

 

[joflier]

If it was me in that situation, I would not be calling after something like that. Especially in conjunction with all the torment they''ve given you through the years. But really, it''s up to you and Mark. And if he really feels the need to cut some ties for awhile, then maybe it''s time to let that happen and see where the cards fall. Obviously the soft and gentle approach hasn''t worked so far. Good luck, keep your chin up! I''m very sorry that you have to deal with this!!

 

[waterlilly]

I say the number one thing is you do NOT let this cause an argument between you and your husband. Make sure you are a team on this matter, you let him make the decision on how he wants to handle it and support him fully.

Step away from the crazies and let them spin in their own little drama.

Happy father''s day? Pffftt, why would your FIL deserve that call from you?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am in the same situation and I have to disagree with the others.
Let your DH do what he wants. He may cool off and want to talk to them or he may really stay away from them. My DH cut himself off from his parents a year ago and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off him. My MIL said from the begining that I was going to come between him and his family. But that''s not what happened, she caused it, I was the excuse. She drew the line in the sand, not me. Most of his family thinks it was me, but those who really care about him know it was his mom.

Don''t contact them. This is your husband''s problem to handle as he feels best. It won''t change anything, the next time you do something wrong, and you will, they will forget it. When I met my ILs for the first time, I spent as much time with them as possible which was not easy as I had mono and was always out of it. Does MIL see it that way, no. She told my SIL that when we first met I locked myself in the bedroom and refused to come out, not that I was sick and passed out.

Besides, if he actually does stick to it for awhile, they might actually get the idea that their behavior is wrong. If you call them and try to make everything ok, you are telling them they can be as terribly as they want and you will take it. If you dog tore up all your stuff, would you give him a treat to make him feel better? Of course, not, because then he will do it because he can and the same applies to them.

 

[Maisie]

It really baffles me why parents think they can just say whatever they like to their children''s spouses. You don''t have to put up with their behaviour. If your husband wants to cut ties with them you should let him. It will make your life easier. Why should they treat you like this! Who are they that their opinion is so important! He is a grown man with his own family now. They should respect that and keep their feelings to themselves. Its not like you are out running around with other men or drinking his salary away.

Don''t call on fathers day. Just let them alone with their bad attitudes!

((((hugs))))

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you everyone for weighing in. As you can imagine, this had been a very emotional charged weekend in our home.

I know that i am not a victim and that I own some responsibility for the situation growing to this level, I should have years ago stood up for myself and earned their respect instead of keeping it all in for as long as I did. I guess I just always hoped that at some point they would tire of making me the bad guy, or bitch, or punching bag, and in moving past that, we would have avoided this whole implosion altogether. But, I guess bombs really do off after they are tired of ticking.

This morning M asked me what he should do. And I took your advice to heart when telling him that I thought he needed to do whatever it is that he can live with. He decided to not call, and I am not going to reach other either.

You are all completely right. It isn't my place and any effort I make now is entirely moot-I have been cast as the villian in this family and whatever I do will always be spun into a negative. The relationship is truly unsalvageable between them and myself.

I guess i just saw my husband hurting, and it was my natural reaction to go to any distance to make him stop hurting. He is in an impossible place, and I just didn't want to come off as being happy or glad or seeming like I am benefiting from this...when in all honesty i am not. I want my husband to be happy, which is why I swallowed all the BS for as long as i did...if I could just not make any waves, then he wouldn't be in the middle. I don't want him to choose, it's not a game or even a choice he could really make.

So basically, I am done. If, at some point, M decides he wants to work it out with his parents, I will of course support him in anyway i can...but my relationship with them is done and in that I do find peace.

Thanks again everyone, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 6/20/2010 2:31:07 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thank you everyone for weighing in. As you can imagine, this had been a very emotional charged weekend in our home.

I know that i am not a victim and that I own some responsibility for the situation growing to this level, I should have years ago stood up for myself and earned their respect instead of keeping it all in for as long as I did. I guess I just always hoped that at some point they would tire of making me the bad guy, or bitch, or punching bag, and in moving past that, we would have avoided this whole implosion altogether. But, I guess bombs really do off after they are tired of ticking.

This morning M asked me what he should do. And I took your advice to heart when telling him that I thought he needed to do whatever it is that he can live with. He decided to not call, and I am not going to reach other either.

You are all completely right. It isn''t my place and any effort I make now is entirely moot-I have been cast as the villian in this family and whatever I do will always be spun into a negative. The relationship is truly unsalvageable between them and myself.

I guess i just saw my husband hurting, and it was my natural reaction to go to any distance to make him stop hurting. He is in an impossible place, and I just didn''t want to come off as being happy or glad or seeming like I am benefiting from this...when in all honesty i am not. I want my husband to be happy, which is why I swallowed all the BS for as long as i did...if I could just not make any waves, then he wouldn''t be in the middle. I don''t want him to choose, it''s not a game or even a choice he could really make.

So basically, I am done. If, at some point, M decides he wants to work it out with his parents, I will of course support him in anyway i can...but my relationship with them is done and in that I do find peace.

Thanks again everyone, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart.

Good for you, this is so hard. For the most part my DH is more at peace now that he does not speak to his parents, but every now and then he wakes up furious because he had a dream about a fight. He is off for a while and feels like he really did have one. He says he is waiting for his mom to get help before he contacts her again, but she never will. He knows this and in time may reconcile, which is fine. they won''t be better, but I know he will always be on my side when they are out of line and that it is his problem.

Good for you for respecting his decision and trying to do what ever you could think of to make it better. It won''t make things better with his parent''s but trust me, the fact that you were willing to try and have done your best means the world to your DH during this dificult time.

 

[movie zombie]

horrible decision, i''m 100% certain that you''ve done very thing to make this relationship with them work, and i''m really proud of your husband for deciding that his family/wife is important and he drew the line in the sand. so many women have posted on pricescope that would give a right arm for their hubby to do the same!

if in the future he decides to make contact with them, so be it. but for now they need to understand that THEY have alienated their own son. they will probably always blame you. but i''ve got the feeling he''s the kind of guy that will straighten them out. if he decides to have a relationship with him, you do not have to be a part of it. you do not have to visit them, talk to them on the phone, etc. he can if he wishes.

i''m so sorry you''ve had to live with this and so very happy your man stood up!

mz

ps really and seriously: give him a hug for me!

 

[junebug17]

Date: 6/20/2010 2:31:07 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thank you everyone for weighing in. As you can imagine, this had been a very emotional charged weekend in our home.


I know that i am not a victim and that I own some responsibility for the situation growing to this level, I should have years ago stood up for myself and earned their respect instead of keeping it all in for as long as I did. I guess I just always hoped that at some point they would tire of making me the bad guy, or bitch, or punching bag, and in moving past that, we would have avoided this whole implosion altogether. But, I guess bombs really do off after they are tired of ticking.


This morning M asked me what he should do. And I took your advice to heart when telling him that I thought he needed to do whatever it is that he can live with. He decided to not call, and I am not going to reach other either.


You are all completely right. It isn''t my place and any effort I make now is entirely moot-I have been cast as the villian in this family and whatever I do will always be spun into a negative. The relationship is truly unsalvageable between them and myself.


I guess i just saw my husband hurting, and it was my natural reaction to go to any distance to make him stop hurting. He is in an impossible place, and I just didn''t want to come off as being happy or glad or seeming like I am benefiting from this...when in all honesty i am not. I want my husband to be happy, which is why I swallowed all the BS for as long as i did...if I could just not make any waves, then he wouldn''t be in the middle. I don''t want him to choose, it''s not a game or even a choice he could really make.


So basically, I am done. If, at some point, M decides he wants to work it out with his parents, I will of course support him in anyway i can...but my relationship with them is done and in that I do find peace.


Thanks again everyone, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart.

Hugs to you Italia, and I feel you have made the right choice. How they treated you is inexcusable, and I think that the lack of contact will convey to them that you and dh will not tolerate that bad treatment any longer. Quite frankly, your life will probably be more peaceful without the stress of worrying about how they think and feel about you, and what the next incident will be that will set them off. Kudos to your dh for standing by you, I can appreciate how hard this is for both of you.

 

[Bliss]

Italia, sorry about how things went with your ILs. Did you end up calling FIL today?

You did nothing wrong and I think your husband is right in saying he will not talk to them until they can embrace and respect you as his wife. They are being crazy and I'm afraid it sounds like there's nothing that can be done about it. Crazy people are crazed for a reason - they don't want to hear the truth. They just want to hear what they want to hear and think what they want to think. It would NOT be your fault if your husband stopped talking to his ILs. And I suspect that they might even come around if he follows through on his intentions. It is not your fault. You've done everything you can now. I think supporting your DH's decision is the best thing now. On the other hand, what a blessing it is to have such a supportive DH who has your back.

Hugs.

ETA: D'oh! You've got it all figured out! Good for you!

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Date: 6/20/2010 12:25:17 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 6/20/2010 12:17:49 AM
Author: IndyLady
Italia, I am so, so sorry to hear about how your in-laws are treating you.


Now, down to business. I would get him something for Father's Day. Without a doubt. I see that you've been trying the 'kill em' with kindness' routine and it isn't working, but I'd keep it up regardless. If they're telling someone this, 'Ugh, she had the nerve to send me a present!' sounds way better than, 'Ugh, she didn't send FIL anything for Father's day! This proves what we've been saying all along!'


I think your in-laws will come around, I really do. It might take time, but I think they will.

My in laws in another state, so I actually did a send a gift already. Before all of this happened. I couldn't not acknowledge the importance of that day, obviously, like you said--it's just the right thing to do.

I was actually thinking more along the things of a phone call (which I'm scared to do, to be honest, our last phone call ended with me shaking and throwing up) or an e-mail (where I can remove the emotions and temper what I want to say).

Thank you so much for the support...I'm really so lost in this whole thing and very uncomfortable.

Honestly, after dealing with the same kind of CRAP from the inlaws for over five years (including about an hour ago!

), and I admit that I am flaming mad, crying and downing a ben and jerrys as I type this, I would say "see ya" to the inlaws. It's not worth it - and I know it hurts - way too much. Really though, forget them. It is not worth your time or energy and it will hurt everytime you do something nice and to know that the favor will never be returned to you (and they won't return the favor on purpose).

I felt the same way about my DH as you do about yours. That this would have never had happened if it weren't for us. We're wrong - it would have happened. Not to us, but to somebody else. Look out for yourself and your own emotions first. If you feel it's in your best interest to reach out to the family then do so. Otherwise, let them go.

off subject - is that a blue min pin in your avatar?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I just want to vent for minute...

Today I'm feeling massive anger towards my in laws, serious rage. I am just reeling over the hypocrisy of the entire fight...how they can sit there preaching family values and the importance of family, the whole while cutting me down and guilting my husband over things beyond his control. My husband is more "family" then the bride will ever, ever be...he is there son, while she is the daughter of their daughter-in-law--and yet, they are fine sh*t talking his wife to his face and cutting him down to the quick. It's extremely upsetting. How a parent could treat their own child that way is beyond me.

In my head, all day long, I've made a list of all the cross things they've said, or done to me and to M. It's an epic list. The name calling, the daggers, the deliberate embarrassment and cut downs. I've discovered, by literally thinking it out, that they are just mean people. Outside of raising their son to be a strong, good man they have no redeeming qualities.

My heart breaks for my husband...not because he's on the cusp of potential estrangement from his family (although that's hard to swallow, too since he's just not that type of person)...but because they have made it extremely clear to him where he stands. Their love for him ranks below their love for their daughter-in-laws child. Can you imagine, for one minute, coming to grips with that reality? It makes me sick...physically sick. And it also makes me sad for them...because my husband is wonderful. And, he's been good to them over the years...never a disappointment in a real way, never in trouble or the type to give them a moments worry. He's successful, kind, good natured...and he has a wife who thinks the world of him...so outside of that, what else matters? That for once in his life he's unable to make it to an event? Is that reason enough to nail him to wall?

I am furious. And, if I wasn't scared of confrontation, I'd call them this evening with a few choice words of own...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I didn''t read the whole thread but I think it is difficult to accept that you will never understand everyone and everything they do. Period. Why are you giving them squatter''s rights in your brain? They are winning right now. You have gotta learn to detach b/c for better or worse they are your DH''s family. My best advice is let go or be dragged. With detachment you might be shocked by how they no longer bother you. That will result in a happier Italia and Mr. Italia.

 

[missy]

Italia,
My heart goes out to you and your dh. I have dealt with something similar with my MIL and BIL and his wife. There is no winning. Everyone comes out losing in these situations. I also tried everything I could and bent over backwards and kept my mouth shut in the beginning. Until it got to be too much and thankfully my dh realized the manipulation that was going on on his family's part.

When I think of all the wasted energy and heartache on our parts for nothing. Unfortunately it is a conclusion we all must come to on our own though the path is difficult. It is the only way to know you did your best. And you will hopefully come to peace with however this situation turns out knowing that.

You and your dh are a team and you come first to your dh as he does to you and rightfully so. Why some families get it in their head to behave so terribly I cannot understand but all I know is that it happens. You cannot control their behavior but you can control your reaction. Try not to let them have any more control over you and cause you any more unhappiness as best you can. They are not worth it. Thankfully your husband fully supports you and is standing by your side. That is all that matters. He is an adult and you did not do anything to deserve this awful behavior. It is not your fault.

Please don't beat yourself up about this.
Don't let his family have this kind of control over you anymore. They are not worth it.

All that matters is that you and your dh stand by each other during this difficult time.

Many hugs,
Melissa

ps With time it gets so much easier. We do have minimal contact with his mother (always cordial) and part of his family. We are so much happier and emotionally healthier now without the weight of his family's unkind behavior and bad intentions.

 

[Steel]

Vent away...

As I see it your MIL & FIL probably feel they are (at worst) being cruel to be kind. That they need their son to 'see' you as they do.

Fortunately your husband is not whipped by them and can see both sides; and he sees this family cutting down the woman he loves and it hurts and confuses him.

You should not take this issue on. Should you contact his parents, this will be later used as proof of your meddling and character. In time they may finally 'see' you or perhaps they will see they are on the losing end of this battle. Either way you cannot control it and any steps you take WILL be counter productive.

So stay back and love and support your husband as you have always done. The rest is just background noise. And I am sorry for it. I don't know why this happens and I would love some of the 'professional' PS'ers to weigh in. It is very strange but very common. Hold your head up girly, it will be ok.

 

[Circe]

Italia, if I had to guess, I''d say this had very little to do with the sister-in-law''s daughter. It''s not about anybody else: it''s about them. They feel unloved or neglected or something, so they want to yell at him and you because in the past, it has gotten them what they''ve wanted; attention, apologies, and authority. It''s an awful cycle. Good on him and you for breaking it.