Need some opinions/advice...

[turboflgrl]

**Warning - Novel ahead....**

Let me give you some background... My boyfriend and I have been dating for what will be 5 years in December of this year. We are both newly 25, just starting our careers, still renters, and though we''re not broke, we''re not exactly wealthy either. He gave me a "promise ring" while we were both in college in 2007 and have talked about getting engaged ever since. The problem we are having is that he comes from a wealthy, traditional background and the ring - at least in his family - is important and I think it is making it hard to come to terms with the fact that we simply cannot afford my dream ring at this stage in our lives. He started saving for the ring a couple months ago - putting away little by little and has been to this day. Then, a bomb dropped. My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Stage 4 anorectal melanoma (terminal cancer) and was given 6 weeks to 6 months to live. You may be thinking - that''s really sad but what does that have to do with this situation?

My grandmother has been my second mother my entire life. My father left so my mother moved into my grandparent''s home in order to give me every opportunity possible - thus why I am extraordinarily close to my grandparents. I have always dreamed about them being there when I got married, had children, etc. She''s only 75, was in perfect health, and it came as a complete shock. I would do anything to at least have my grandmother see that I was engaged - at least it would be something fulfilled. My boyfriend knows this and he is undoubtedly supportive of it. He says he wants to get married and if sacrificing the ring temporarily makes that happen sooner, he would. There''s no issue of pushing him into the idea of getting married - we both want to. It''s just that I know that if I wait and my grandmother passes, I will be incredibly upset that I couldn''t have her there for one of the most important moments in my life and she couldn''t at least see that her baby was engaged.

Here''s my dilemma.. we don''t want to spend more than $1,500 on the ring - a solitaire, 6 prong setting with the diamond included. I do realize that this is by no means a "cheap ring" and I know that I will absolutely love it whenever he does decide to propose. However, this will just be a temporary ring until he eventually gets me the one he wants to purchase. After he gets me that, I want to take the diamond out and make it into a pendant necklace so I will always have and cherish it.

Is this wrong even considering the circumstances? Should I just wait it out for what he really wants to get me even though there is no way it will be done in time for my grandmother to be around for it? My grandmother is now bedridden and has already lost 20lbs.. there really is not that much time left on the table and I feel like having a "temporary" ring that still has meaning behind it for me is ok.

Thanks for all opinions and I truly hope I didn''t come across shallow or materialistic..

 

[*Danielle*]

Have you thought of a gemstone or alternative style like a 5 stone band?

I am so sorry that your Grandmother is sick. In the end, it is about celebrating your love and relationship with your family.

Your family is in my prayers.

 

[VRBeauty]

Turboflgrl: I don't think you're being "shallow or materialistic" -- on the contrary, I think you're being incredibly considerate! Putting the quest for the perfect ring ahead of your grandmother's feelings on the other hand might be considered shallow and materialistic.

If you're willing and he's willing, then by all means go for it. Take him by the hand, or point him towards Rocky Talk or the vendor sites, and get started on the ring!

Good luck!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Have you considered your BF proposing with your wedding band, and getting the e-ring a bit later? This the ring will always be part of your wedding set.

As far as whether or not you should get engaged earlier than planned sans fancy ring, well, that choice is only yours to make. Consider what is more important to you and BF; getting engaged with your forever ring, to immediate ooh''s and aaah''s from BF''s family/circle, or save the fancy ring and the attention for later, so that you can share your wedding/engagement with your grandmother.

 

[Sabine]

Date: 7/16/2009 2:45:54 AM
Author: brooklyngirl
Have you considered your BF proposing with your wedding band, and getting the e-ring a bit later? This the ring will always be part of your wedding set.

I was thinking this too. Even if you decide on a fancier band later, you could get a simple band now that you could wear at times when you don''t want to wear a flashy set, like if you are traveling, etc. I''m sorry to hear about your grandma.

 

[ladyciel]

I''m so sorry about your grandmother. I can also relate to what you''re feeling. DH proposed to me while my grandmother was battling cancer, and though the timing wasn''t really pressed by her illness (he was ready to buy the ring), I was relieved that she at least got to see me engaged. She passed away 9 months before my wedding, and the last time I saw her she told me she was so happy to know I''d found someone to care and watch over me. She also expressed a desperate hope that my un-paired cousins would eventually find their matches and happiness, even though she wasn''t going to see it herself. It was difficult not having her at the wedding, but I''m so glad she saw me engaged and planning my future with DH. I''m sure knowing your BF has promised to marry you and watch over you will mean a lot to your grandmother. I think you have several options if that''s the route you want to take. For one, the two of you could sit with her and tell her the truth - for all intents and purposes, you''re engaged, just saving for a ring. I''m sure any woman of 75 has experienced enough in life to understand a ring doesn''t make a promise. You could get a smaller diamond than you''d eventually like, as you mentioned, or, for your budget, you could also consider getting a lovely colored gemstone ring that you could wear as a RHR in the future. It could eventually become a wonderful heirloom piece with a touching story behind it.

Whatever you choose will be lovely!

 

[Haven]

I''m so sorry about your grandmother. I just lost my own beloved grandmother in May, and it was and is so difficult.

I think that the only good reason to get engaged is because you are both ready to get engaged. If you are only waiting because of the ring and his family''s pressures for him to use an expensive ring to propose, then moving forward so you can share your joy with your grandmother might be the right move. However, if you both *know* you want to marry but you aren''t *quite* there yet, I don''t think it''s the right thing to do to get engaged prematurely.

If you aren''t completely ready right now, your boyfriend could state his intentions to propose to your grandmother, and ask for her permission and tell her that he is waiting until he saves up enough for your dream ring.

As for his family''s pressure about the ring--are you sure that this is the case, is there any chance he is misinterpreting something? All of the traditional, moneyed families that I know value financial conservatism, and would be horrified if their young son purchased an expensive engagement ring. Maybe he misunderstood? And if he didn''t, and if the ring *is* so important, then don''t they have a nice heirloom stone laying around that they can pass on?

Prayers outgoing for your grandmother''s health and comfort during this time.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:37:50 AM
Author: Haven
I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I just lost my own beloved grandmother in May, and it was and is so difficult.

I think that the only good reason to get engaged is because you are both ready to get engaged. If you are only waiting because of the ring and his family's pressures for him to use an expensive ring to propose, then moving forward so you can share your joy with your grandmother might be the right move. However, if you both *know* you want to marry but you aren't *quite* there yet, I don't think it's the right thing to do to get engaged prematurely.

If you aren't completely ready right now, your boyfriend could state his intentions to propose to your grandmother, and ask for her permission and tell her that he is waiting until he saves up enough for your dream ring.

As for his family's pressure about the ring--are you sure that this is the case, is there any chance he is misinterpreting something? All of the traditional, moneyed families that I know value financial conservatism, and would be horrified if their young son purchased an expensive engagement ring. Maybe he misunderstood? And if he didn't, and if the ring *is* so important, then don't they have a nice heirloom stone laying around that they can pass on?

Prayers outgoing for your grandmother's health and comfort during this time.

+1. I think if you and your boyfriend have discussed this and are 100% ready to make the commitment and get engaged, then I think you should. If the ONLY thing stopping you from being engaged now is the ring, then I don't think you should let that hold you back - either get a smaller ring now and make it into a pendant one day (like you said) or do what some others suggested and get a diamond wedding band now with the money you have saved up and get the bigger diamond "engagement" ring later on down the road.

If you aren't completely ready to get engaged now, then don't let this pressure you into getting engaged too soon. I think if this is the case, then Haven's suggestion of having your boyfriend ask your grandmother's permission and tell her his plans is a good idea. At least then she will know the two of you are headed toward engagement/marriage.

I'm so sorry your grandmother and your whole family are going through this. You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[movie zombie]

i really like the using the wedding band as the e-ring for now.....but i like even better the idea of him going to your grandmother and asking her permission and discussing it with her first. ultimately, what is important is you and your BF. his family may always be miffed that things didn''t go their perceived correct way things should be done.....but better them miffed than you resentful for the rest of your life that your grandmother wasn''t a part of this....and that resentment over time could poison your relationship with your future husband and/or his family. do not let that happen.

sorry that your grandmother is terminally ill. you were fortunate to have her in your life.

mz