Mother not even remotely excited about grandchildren-Thoughts?

[princessplease]

OK, so I''m not PG or planning to be anytime soon. However, talk of babies and timelines have come up between FI and I as our wedding is in 6 months.

FMIL loves babies. She wants like 100 grandkids, lol, and the sooner the better. She even said at the holiday family gathering "When am I going to have more grandbabies?" FI is the youngest of them all (25, 26 in April), and he has two older sisters, one of whom may be PG. She is super excited about grandkids and can''t wait to have more.

However, my mom is WAYYYYYYYYY opposite of this, and it seems so odd to me. Yesterday, we went out dress shopping for BM''s, and I was telling mom how much FMIL wants more grandkids. I said to MOH "Yeah, my mom will never be like that" and mom said "You''re completely right; I will never say to you ''I want you to have kids'' for a very long time" (10 years she said, which will make me 36 or 37). I was floored. I''ll be 25 when FI and I marry, will have an advanced degree, good pay, good job with great benefits in case of an oops before TTC. FI and I have no solid plans to TTC until late 2011 early 2012 (which will make me 26 or 27). I''m the oldest of my mom''s two kids, and will have a pretty good, solid life built with then DH when we TTC. I''m just shocked my mom said this. She was 24 when I was born and 28 when my brother was born, so I know it''s not the age thing (mom has a very good career and education, too). I just feel like that when the time comes, I will be unsupported by my mother during the pregnancy.

I guess I really don''t know what I''m asking here, lol, but I really thought that mothers got excited when their perfectly capable daughter and her husband are interested in having a child (as FMIL is). Am I completely off base here? I was hoping she''d be super excited to hear about when we plan on TTC, but was floored by her response. Thoughts? TIA!

 

[Pandora II]

I wouldn''t worry - neither my MIL nor m mother were jumping up and down about us ''thinking about'' kids.

Once I was KU, they were interested and once kiddo was here certainly my mother went nuts. Daisy got so much loot at Christmas that I barely know where to put it.

In some respects it''s better not to have relatives waiting expectantly for your to reproduce - things like infertility are hard enough for a couple without a group of disappointed potential grandparents sitting round tapping their feet, and don''t get me started on the rows on ''how you bring up your child''! Not that that will happen to you, but just throwing it out there!

 

[aliceinwonderland]

Hi,

Maybe she doesn''t mean it in an unsupportive way...maybe instead what she means is that she doesn''t want to pressure you by asking you when you will have kids etc. and just letting you tell her when you are ready? I don''t know her so hard to say but I don''t think that her lack of over the top enthusiasm at this point means that she won''t support you when the time comes!

Alice

 

[Skippy123]

I personally wouldn't worry. Maybe that is her way of saying enjoy your time together because you have plenty of time?? Since she is your mom she probably just wants you all to travel or do things your really want to before having kids? I don't know but I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[trillionaire]

Honestly, you can''t decide for someone else how they are going to react to change.

Your mother could be responding to any number of things:
* not wanting you to grow up *too* quickly
* feeling like she became a mother too soon and gave up too many things
* not feeling totally comfortable with some aspect of your marriage/relationship, or her own (projecting)
* not seeing herself as a ''grandmother'' so soon...

or any other of a thousand different things. I wish my parents were less enthused about grandkids, because we don''t plan to have them at this point, so it''s all about perspective I guess. However, FI parents were 100% anti-grandkid when his brother and wife got PG, and they stayed that way literally until the day the baby arrived. They have slowly warmed up to it, but at their own pace. (baby is 6mos and the sweetest, cutest thing!) They are still not overly exuberant about being grandparents, but they also had a lot of valid concerns regarding FI''s brother and wife''s relationship... at the end of the day, we can only control what we can control. If you and FI want kids and are excited, I hope it''s contagious and catching. Your mom might just surprise you in the end, and by no means take her lack of enthusiasm as an indication that she won''t support you. When the time comes, I''m sure it will be a great experience and journey for you both. If your mom isn''t the support that you hoped for during that time, it might highlight some other new and strong relationships in your life, and enrich those!

 

[neatfreak]

She probably doesn't want to pressure you. My mom is very blase about everything from weddings, to grandkids, etc. until they are actually HERE. Once I was engaged she was excited for me. When she found out I was pg she was ECSTATIC. She played it cool because she didn't want to influence me or my decisions. Which is weird-but my mom is a little weird.

I am sure when the time comes your mom will be over the moon for you guys!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Let me try again

I am the mother of a 24 year old male. If I say so myself, my husband and I are great parents. We have a really good relationship and enjoy being parents.


I don not EVER want to be a grandmother. Ever. I have absolutely so interest or desire. I am bored to tears when friends/relatives go on and on or try to flash 2,000 different pictures under my nose. Truthfully, I could care less.
I love my son and know, in all probability, that he will marry and have children, but it''s just not something I am interested in, want to participate in or care about.

Honestly, I know you don''t know me--but I am NOT a cold person. I just have NO INTEREST in grandchildren, mine or anyone else/s.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/10/2010 8:54:05 PM
Author: Amber St. Clare
Let me try again

I am the mother of a 24 year old male. If I say so myself, my husband and I are great parents. We have a really good relationship and enjoy being parents.


I don not EVER want to be a grandmother. Ever. I have absolutely so interest or desire. I am bored to tears when friends/relatives go on and on or try to flash 2,000 different pictures under my nose. Truthfully, I could care less.
I love my son and know, in all probability, that he will marry and have children, but it''s just not something I am interested in, want to participate in or care about.

Honestly, I know you don''t know me--but I am NOT a cold person. I just have NO INTEREST in grandchildren, mine or anyone else/s.

Thanks for letting me vent.

LOL! Unexpected, but I can appreciate the candor!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Tomorrow I will say it''s the vodka talking

, but it''s my honest feeling. My husband sayd he''s looking forward to being a grandfather.


i told him I don''t sleep with grandpas!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/10/2010 8:29:24 PM
Author: Skippy123
I personally wouldn''t worry. Maybe that is her way of saying enjoy your time together because you have plenty of time?? Since she is your mom she probably just wants you all to travel or do things your really want to before having kids? I don''t know but I wouldn''t worry about it.

Ditto. I don''t know you or your Mom, but sounds like she wants you to have some time to enjoy being married before TTC???

But wouldn''t stress over it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I agree with the others who have said that she probably wants to you to focus on being married and being happy before getting pregnant.

And if she never "warms" up...thats her loss, not yours. So don''t stress over it.

 

[jewelz617]

From a parent's point of view, I can see your mom's reasoning. She either:

a) doesn't want to pressure you

b) wants you to experience more of life before you have children (travel etc.) and ENJOY being married for awhile. Kids add a lot of pressure to a couple.

c) would feel the title of "Grandma" is a scary thing for her. Maybe it makes her feel prematurely old!

When my daughter was born, my Mom was so happy but the whole Grandma thing really threw her for a loop. I still don't think she's comfortable with it. And my dad refuses to be called "Grandpa", he wants my daughter to call him by his first name

 

[packrat]

I wouldn''t worry about it either, princess. JD and I were 27 when we got married and my dad was big on telling us to hold off a loooong time before we had kids. London was born shortly after our 2nd anniversary. When I called my dad to tell him, there was silence, and then he said something snippy-no congratulations or anything. As the pregnancy went on, it was like he''d never said anything snarky, and I put the comment out of my mind b/c it wasn''t worth it to stay irritated the whole time. When I''d talked to Mom about it, she said Dad just wanted us to have enough time to ourselves before kids came b/c it does change a marriage quite a bit. And-I think he didn''t really groove on the knowledge of how the baby came about, you know? Maybe your Mom doesn''t really like to think of you having sex.

My dad came around and really dove into being a Grampa. Either your Mom will too, when the time comes, or maybe when she sees the other Gramma getting all into it and all the baby lovies she''s getting, she''ll change her mind.

 

[junebug17]

I agree with the other posters, try not to worry about it! I''m not getting the impression she doesn''t want to be a grandmother, it''s more that she wants you to enjoy married life for awhile before taking on the responsibilities of parenthood. You aren''t even married yet, so she probably sees grandkids as very far in the future, and hard for her to imagine right now. I don''t know, but her feelings might change after you''ve been married for a few years. Right now she may still be trying to get used to the idea of you getting married, and really can''t visualize grandkids at this point. She may not really MEAN 10 years, that might just be her way of saying she''d like to see you wait awhile. I wouldn''t worry about it, I don''t know your mom but I wouldn''t take her comments to mean she won''t be supportive of your pregnancy when the time comes.

 

[fieryred33143]

I wouldn''t worry about it because you aren''t having a child right now. She probably doesn''t feel you are ready for whatever reason or is someone that doesn''t believe in getting involved in their children''s lives in that manner.

MIL has expressed wanting grandchildren for years. My mom, not so much. I thought she either didn''t want grandchildren or felt I wasn''t ready. When I did get pregnant, her response was "it''s about time, you''re old enough." I was shocked. She had never mentioned anything to me before but she explained that she didn''t want to get involved in those kinds of decisions or pressure me. Believe me, while it''s nice to have your FMIL say she wants 100 grandchildren now, that stuff will get tiring once you are married especially if you are going to wait. Your mom''s nonchalant attitude may be a blessing in disguise lolz

 

[E B]

My mom was the exact same way. Every time I mentioned kids, she'd stop me and turn the conversation toward my career. She waited to have me until she was in her late 30s, and I could tell she'd have preferred me to do the same. Totally disinterested in the idea of being a grandmother...

...until I had my son. And then, it was a complete 180. She ADORES this child and loves being a grandmother (though she refuses to be called "Grandma" or any variant). We talk daily about the baby, and when we were in town visiting, anytime we'd be within feet of a stranger, she'd say to him or her, "Look at my grandson! Isn't he the most gorgeous baby you've ever seen?"

I'm assuming you'd be the first of her children to have a baby? It might just take her some time to get used to the idea. I highly doubt she'd feel the same way once you have your first, but if she is, there's not much to be done. If you're ready, that's all that matters.

 

[Mara]

I agree with the others, it doesn't really matter right now because you aren't planning to TTC anytime soon.

I got married at almost 30 and my Mom was not all gung ho about us having kids. In fact when I got married she made sure to warn me to 'never stop working and be totally dependent on a man, even your husband'. I remember thinking GEE how warm and fuzzy and positive.

A year later it was ... when are you having kids?
Two years later it was...where's my grandchild?? You guys need to get busy.
Two years after that it was...I guess I'm just NEVER going to be a Grandma then I guess *puppy dog eyes*
Now that I am about to pop out her first grandchild she could not BE more involved or excited. She calls me every 2 days to ask how I am doing, has made like 500 blankets, pants, hats for the kid, and tells everyone all about me and her upcoming grandchild.

Now I could prob stay I was staying home to have 5 kids and never working a day again, and she'd be ecstatic. Things change...parents want what they deem the 'best' for their kids and that means whatever THEY think is right at the time. Parents worry a lot as well about all the bad things that the kids prob never think about. She prob doesn't want to be the one pressuring you to live your life a different way.

One note though, in your post you wrote this:
"I said to MOH "Yeah, my mom will never be like that" and mom said "You're completely right; I will never say to you 'I want you to have kids' for a very long time" (10 years she said, which will make me 36 or 37)."

--So if you already knew your Mom would not be all warm and gushy about g'kids, why are you so floored with her response? It sounds like you already knew she wasn't going to be like your MIL. I didn't quite get that.

But again, doesn't really matter now. It'll prob be diff when it happens.

 

[Dandi]

Date: 1/10/2010 11:22:58 PM
Author: Mara
I agree with the others, it doesn''t really matter right now because you aren''t planning to TTC anytime soon.

I got married at almost 30 and my Mom was not all gung ho about us having kids. In fact when I got married she made sure to warn me to ''never stop working and be totally dependent on a man, even your husband''. I remember thinking GEE how warm and fuzzy and positive.

A year later it was ... when are you having kids?
Two years later it was...where''s my grandchild?? You guys need to get busy.
Two years after that it was...I guess I''m just NEVER going to be a Grandma then I guess *puppy dog eyes*
Now that I am about to pop out her first grandchild she could not BE more involved or excited. She calls me every 2 days to ask how I am doing, has made like 500 blankets, pants, hats for the kid, and tells everyone all about me and her upcoming grandchild.

Now I could prob stay I was staying home to have 5 kids and never working a day again, and she''d be ecstatic. Things change...parents want what they deem the ''best'' for their kids and that means whatever THEY think is right at the time. Parents worry a lot as well about all the bad things that the kids prob never think about. She prob doesn''t want to be the one pressuring you to live your life a different way.

One note though, in your post you wrote this:
''I said to MOH ''Yeah, my mom will never be like that'' and mom said ''You''re completely right; I will never say to you ''I want you to have kids'' for a very long time'' (10 years she said, which will make me 36 or 37).''

--So if you already knew your Mom would not be all warm and gushy about g''kids, why are you so floored with her response? It sounds like you already knew she wasn''t going to be like your MIL. I didn''t quite get that.

But again, doesn''t really matter now. It''ll prob be diff when it happens.

Hehe, Mara that''s too cute

All my mum ever wanted in life was to be a mother, and she would be out of her skin with joy if I were to become a mummy myself. She had my oldest brother when she was very young... an ''oops'' if you will. He was adopted by another family because she had NO support from her family at all, and could never have given him the life he so deserved. He lives about an hour from us, so we do have contact... not enough though, he harboured feeling of resentment toward mum for many years. He has two children, one of which we''ve never even seen a photo of. I can tell it breaks her heart that she is actually a grandmother, but never sees her biological grandkids. Which I think makes her want them even more!

She always says she isn''t fussed if we choose to have a family or not, that we should do what makes us happy, and would never suggest it''s about time we got down to business/made her a grandmother. In the same breath she tells us never to worry about daycare should we need it, she''ll fill that void.

Bless her little cotton socks.

Random cute story... 3 years ago before we were married, when now DH and I moved into our now home, we were given gifts by lots of family members to add to our house. DH''s grandmother told me she had knitted me a cardigan, which I told her was very thoughtful and I looked forward to seeing it. DH nearly fell off his chair laughing when I unwrapped the cardigan and it was baby-sized. Not to mention the matching booties and bonnet!

I''m thinking she''s keen to be a great-grandmother!!

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/10/2010 9:31:28 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
From a parent''s point of view, I can see your mom''s reasoning. She either:

a) doesn''t want to pressure you

b) wants you to experience more of life before you have children (travel etc.) and ENJOY being married for awhile. Kids add a lot of pressure to a couple.

c) would feel the title of ''Grandma'' is a scary thing for her. Maybe it makes her feel prematurely old!

When my daughter was born, my Mom was so happy but the whole Grandma thing really threw her for a loop. I still don''t think she''s comfortable with it. And my dad refuses to be called ''Grandpa'', he wants my daughter to call him by his first name

I agree. I also think... you are 25 - but how old is your mom?

My one grandma was 40 when I was born - another like 51? The 40 yr old had her own life issues she was going through, and is my grandma, but the other was like mrs. claus grandmotherly. Two different worlds. Truth is, the 50 yr old was ready and *wanted* the role. The 40 yr old, sure was happy I was born, but not very *helpful*... and didn''t like being called grandma. Being grandma, sorta pushed her into a new age bracket she wasn''t ready for.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 1/11/2010 10:10:28 AM
Author: tlh

Date: 1/10/2010 9:31:28 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
From a parent''s point of view, I can see your mom''s reasoning. She either:

a) doesn''t want to pressure you

b) wants you to experience more of life before you have children (travel etc.) and ENJOY being married for awhile. Kids add a lot of pressure to a couple.

c) would feel the title of ''Grandma'' is a scary thing for her. Maybe it makes her feel prematurely old!

When my daughter was born, my Mom was so happy but the whole Grandma thing really threw her for a loop. I still don''t think she''s comfortable with it. And my dad refuses to be called ''Grandpa'', he wants my daughter to call him by his first name

I agree. I also think... you are 25 - but how old is your mom?

My one grandma was 40 when I was born - another like 51? The 40 yr old had her own life issues she was going through, and is my grandma, but the other was like mrs. claus grandmotherly. Two different worlds. Truth is, the 50 yr old was ready and *wanted* the role. The 40 yr old, sure was happy I was born, but not very *helpful*... and didn''t like being called grandma. Being grandma, sorta pushed her into a new age bracket she wasn''t ready for.

How frightening!

I''m 40 in three years time and I''m just about getting used to the idea of being a mother!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Right now the idea is abstract. Don''t put too much thought into it. I am sure once the time comes for your mom to become a grandma she will be thrilled. Perhaps she has some own regrets that are being reflected in her reaction. As disappointing as it may be people do have the right to feel what they feel. So on the off chance when the time comes where you have a child and your mother is not excited (though I doubt this will actually happen) you will deal with it then. For NOW enjoy wedding planning. The day goes by in a blink so focus on that. The rest will fall into place.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/10/2010 10:20:43 PM
Author: EBree
My mom was the exact same way. Every time I mentioned kids, she''d stop me and turn the conversation toward my career. She waited to have me until she was in her late 30s, and I could tell she''d have preferred me to do the same. Totally disinterested in the idea of being a grandmother...


...until I had my son. And then, it was a complete 180. She ADORES this child and loves being a grandmother (though she refuses to be called ''Grandma'' or any variant). We talk daily about the baby, and when we were in town visiting, anytime we''d be within feet of a stranger, she''d say to him or her, ''Look at my grandson! Isn''t he the most gorgeous baby you''ve ever seen?''


I''m assuming you''d be the first of her children to have a baby? It might just take her some time to get used to the idea. I highly doubt she''d feel the same way once you have your first, but if she is, there''s not much to be done. If you''re ready, that''s all that matters.

EBree, your mom sounds so much like mine. She would love it if I waited another 10 years and has already told me that she never wants to be called grandma. We''ll see what happens when we actually have a kid!

 

[princessplease]

tlh, my mom will be 50 in May.

Thanks ladies for all of your advice. I guess I was just shocked at her response and reaction to the thoughts I was bouncing around in comparison to FMIL.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 1/10/2010 8:11:42 PM
Author:princessplease
I was hoping she''d be super excited to hear about when we plan on TTC!

Well you probably weren''t really because you said this within her earshot:

''Yeah, my mom will never be like that''

Unless I''m misunderstanding, you probably had an inkling

I would agree with all the above comments - it''s nothing to worry about, it''s probably one of any of the reasons mentioned above (you may have a fair idea yourself!) it''s not like she said "you''d be a terrible mother - never have kids!"

She''ll be thrilled when the time comes, no doubt.

 

[ChinaCat]

Babies, weddings, these are all events that seem to bring up so many emotions in people.

In my experience, you just can't predict or expect people to react the way that you want. What is Tacori's tagline about expectations turning into resentments?

Your mom probably has many good reasons for her reaction, as many here have speculated. Or not- maybe she doesn't have a good reason, but regardless, it's how she feels and you can't change it or control it.

If YOU and your DH are ready when you decide to have kids, then that is all that matters. I wouldn't worry about something that hasn't even happened yet (not you having kids, but your mom's reaction).

I will say that MOST grandparents turn into unrecognizable lumps of sweetness whenever grandkids show up, even those that you least expect! So whatever her projected feelings are, once your little one arrives, I bet she'll be thrilled. And if not, well, her loss.

For example, I knew my mom would be over the moon. I didn't really expect much out of my dad, he's a grumpy one and not into kids. And my sister tends to be jealous about attention going my way. And wouldn't you know it, my dad is so in love with my son, it's the cutest thing. And my sister is soo smitten, it melts my heart.

But as I'm sure you're finding out, people say the weirdest things about marriage/kids. Just enjoy time with your soon to be DH and let it roll off your back!

ETA: Well, most except for Amber St. Clare, apparently!

Gotta love your honesty.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 1/11/2010 11:59:56 AM
Author: princessplease
tlh, my mom will be 50 in May.

Thanks ladies for all of your advice. I guess I was just shocked at her response and reaction to the thoughts I was bouncing around in comparison to FMIL.

My mom was the same way with my brother and SIL. She just couldn''t get excited about grandchildren for the longest time. They were married 9 years before conceiving my niece, and when my mom called to tell me the news I was over the moon and she wasn''t. She said she wasn''t going to be the daycare (my SIL works FT and my brother is self-employed but also a SAHD) and that she was putting her foot down about that right away.

She ended up having my niece 4x/week last year, and 2x/week this year. It works out fine for everyone now and she loves being a grandmother. She is 67.

 

[partgypsy]

My mother never gave me any pressure (or encouragement) to have kids, even though I didn''t have my first one until 35. It goes without says she loves her grandkids but believes it''s way too important of a decision to have someone influence you when or whether to have them. Personally I think it is MORE respectful not go on and on about it.
And the bottom line even if she doesn''t care for grandkids, I don''t think your decision to have kids should be based on what other people think (afterall, YOU will be the ones taking care of them).

My kids are way young, but when I hit the age where I would love to hear the pattering sounds of grandkid feet, I am going to do what I can suppress saying anything about that to my kids.

 

[swimmer]

At first blush, it does seem harsh. But people have posted great insights here. Your mom might be thinking of her own difficulties with pregnancy and not wishing that upon you. She might not be comfortable with the though of herself as a grandmother, or just change in general can be kind of overwhelming. Such is life. I would work to not get down about it. I remember my mom having a fit about my sister getting engaged (not a surprise at all) she got over it, but the news at the moment was overwhelming and just change. Not bad change, in fact awesome change. But change can be so very hard. Good luck to you, and your mom.

 

[vespergirl]

Hey there, I may be way off base here, but does your mother get along with your FI? The reason I ask is because I was pretty young the first time I got married (I was 23, ex-H was 27) and my parents weren''t that supportive of my first marriage - even though he was a nice guy, he was lazy and financially irresponsible, and my parents were worried about me having to bear the financial burden of being married to him. Also, my mom knew that I wanted to be a SAHM eventually, which would have been impossible with the ex who was "allergic" to work. So, they kept encouraging me to put off having kids. The marriage only lasted 2 years, and I''m SO GLAD that I decided to stay on birth control the whole time

However, during my second marriage (I was 29 & DH was 34) my parents were ecstatic & couldn''t wait for grandkids. My DH is a successful executive with an MBA, and has been a great provider, which allows me to be a SAHM. I think that my parents were so excited about our son (& the other one we have on the way) because they knew that our life wouldn''t be full of struggle.

My mother is not that attached, however, to her first grandchild, my older brother''s son. She & my SIL hate each other, so I think she sees her first grandson as a part of the DIL she hates, and has trouble separating him from his mom. I have never seen her let on to any of them that he''s not her favorite grandchild (from what I''ve seen, she is very sweet to him & treats all the grandkids equally) but she has confided in me that she feels a greater bond with my son because of the bad relationship she has with my brother & SIL.

Like I said, I can''t say that this is your mom''s perspective at all, but these are just some scenarios that I witnessed in my family. It''s probably more likely that your mom is just enjoying the freedom of her empty nest years, and is enjoying the time away from small kids for a bit. I do think that once you guys have kids, though, she will be excited about it - I''ve yet to see a grandparent who wasn''t won over by a grandbaby ...

 

[Sabine]

Hugs! Neither my family or dh''s family ever made any comments to us about wanting grandkids, and in fact his family always felt we were too young to get married (engaged at 24 and married at 26). And they were all very shocked when we announced I was pregnant 6 months after getting married (even though we had planned it). My mom was instantly super-excited, but the rest of the family never seemed overly excited. Now that ds is here (he''s 5 months) all our families are just ecstatic and love him to pieces and love their role as grandparents.