Kids present @ childbirth... weird or cool?

[Tacori E-ring]

Having gone through labor myself I would never want my child there. My labor was not what you see in the movies and honestly I think it would freak DD out if she was there. Plus it is long, hard, messy....I figure if I would not want to see my baby born (I opted not to use the mirror) why would my child?

 

[Independent Gal]

I''ve been doing some reading about all this (geez, I should really be working), and apparently most midwives recommend that children present at birth be a little older (7+) and that they remain up near mommy''s head NOT where they can actually see the baby coming out. There is also extensive preparation provided for the kids, including, at some birthing centers, kid-specific classes. They also insist that the child be allowed to decide for themselves if they want to be there, and that the child be allowed to leave at any time, with an adult present whose sole job is to look after the child.

I still don''t think I''d want it for myself, and I still think it''s a little weird. But as I said I sort of get it too.

I guess that''s what you call "mixed feelings"?

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 7/14/2008 10:55:41 AM
Author: Independent Gal

Date: 7/14/2008 10:45:45 AM

Yes, that''s true, but there is an ENORMOUS amount of research on this, published in reputable peer-reviewed journals

I hear you IG
I guess the point I was trying to make is that when it is you and your own baby, you don''t really care about the stats.
Having to ''go to hospital now'' after a home birth goes wrong would make what is already an ''uncomfortable'' event a little ... wierder.

I really wanted a home birth, and researched like mad. My second labour was infinitely easier (six hours), and could have been handled at home...but then my son stopped breathing and had to have oxygen. Go figure. He''s perfectly normal, it''s normal for that to happen to some babies. Do home birth midwives have oxygen? Dunno, forgot to ask her!

Anyway, I was rabidly home birth before my first birth, now I''m more circumspect, that''s all I''m sayin''. All the best for your upcoming !!

 

[iluvcarats]

I don''t think it is a good idea. I wouldn''t want to see my mother giving birth. Schools should make teenagers see it though, I''m betting it would cut down on teen pregnancy!

 

[vespergirl]

I think it would probably be more traumatic than anything else. I actually suffered psychological trauma during the birth of my son at the age of 30, so I don''t know how a little kid could handle seeing his or her mom in that position.

 

[peonygirl]

Carats, we did have to see a graphic birthing video at my high school. Still wanted to have children afterwards though.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/14/2008 11:27:51 AM
Author: peonygirl
Carats, we did have to see a graphic birthing video at my high school. Still wanted to have children afterwards though.

I didn''t mean it would make people not want children, I just think it might make some kids have second thoughts. I gave birth - TWICE

 

[sbde]

yikes...

i definitely don''t think i would want anyone other than DH in that room with me...and most definitely no children!

 

[peonygirl]

Oh, I know! You specifically said "teen pregnancy" too. I was just one of those nutty teens who really wanted to be a mom like NOW. However, luckily I didn''t have a boyfriend in HS.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/14/2008 11:38:13 AM
Author: peonygirl
Oh, I know! You specifically said ''teen pregnancy'' too. I was just one of those nutty teens who really wanted to be a mom like NOW. However, luckily I didn''t have a boyfriend in HS.

I didn''t have great deliveries. My dayghter was posterior, and came out that way. No epidural. OUCH! If I had seen that when I was a teen, I would have triple pad-locked the chastity belt![:

 

[LitigatorChick]

Personally, I only wanted DH and a doc in the room. I wouldn''t want anyone else, including a child.

But if that floats your boat, I like the idea of all the precautions that Indy mentioned. Sounds like that would completely prepare a child and have their interests protected during the event.

By the way, congrats on the twins Indy!! So exciting!!!

 

[Aloros]

Yikes! No no no no no! Childbirth is a beautiful event in one sense, but the nitty gritty of it isn''t.

I was 2 when my sister was born. I waited outside with my dad and my brother. I still remember it vaguely, but I''ll bet my memories would be a lot more clear (unpleasantly so) if I''d been in the room!

 

[Jas12]

Lara--frankly i find comparing the experience of "extreme hunger" and childbirth very odd. Yes childbirth hurts, it''s messy it is difficult but it is also magical, spiritual, purposeful and lifechanging. I don''t think negative events like starvation have any of those qualities and i certainly would not want to expose my children to them.

I guess this is where one''s view of childbirth in general becomes the focus of discussion, if it is viewed as something to make "civilized" in an allopathic environment then sure, i totally understand not wanting kids around. If it is framed as a family event/occasion to be celebrated then both parents and kids come to the experience with a different outlook. I think that often we as parents forget that we project our fears and knowledge onto kids. It is like when a child scrapes their knee and looks up to the parent for a reaction. The parent who reacts in panic gets the kid who screams their head off and the parent who cheerily says ''come, i''ll kiss it better'' gets the kid who brushes it off. Our reactions to life events and the perspectives we bring to them are sometimes more influential than the actual event.

 

[Sha]

Weird! Big people themselves are freaked out by childbirth....I can't imagine a little child.

 

[Clio]

Even though my older two kids are old enough that they could intellectually get what was going on, I wouldn''t have either one of them at a birth.

My 11-year-old is pretty calm, but she''s also very much a nurturer, and I think she would spend the whole time trying to help me feel better, which is not the kind of responsibility I want her to take on.

My 9-year-old is very sensitive to other people''s pain or upset, and she would be completely freaked out by the whole thing. Completely.

Plus, I think that I would be constantly assessing to make sure they were okay, and that would give me less energy/attention for actually giving birth.

If either one of them had the kind of personality that wouldn''t be upset by seeing me in childbirth, I might consider it, but a) they don''t, and b) no more kids for me!

 

[Miranda]

IMO, not cool. My boys were 7 and 9 when DD was born. I could not imagine them being in the room while I delivered. It would be distracting for me and potentially scarring for them if something were to go wrong. Lots of people do it so I guess ''different strokes for different folks''.

 

[D2B]

For me no way. I was all geared up for a natural birth in a birthing centre, birthing stool, relaxing music etc etc etc, you get the picture. I had as healthy a pregnancy as you could get, and in the last minute, my body stuffed up, my baby had to be delivered early and I was very very sick. Too sick to be moved to the intensive care unit. So I guess the problem I have is that it goes well for the majority of times, but for those occassions like me where things go crazy and you are in a life / death situation, why would you put a child anywhere near that possibiity.

How does a child distinguish between good pain and bad pain anyway before the ages of 7, I know that even as an adult I would find it hard to see a friend in pain (even if in order to give birth). Some people have dream births, for them, if it is your cup of tea go for it, but for the rest .... leave the child out of it.

BTW, congratulations on the twins, IndependantGal, how excisting. Wow!!!!

D2B

 

[Eva17]

i just want to share, after 4 drug free natural deliveries, with no screaming,

i was so honored to be in the delivery room with my sister. it was an amazing experience!

she wants to have me there for the next one too. in about 3 months, if the strict bedrest does it''s job!


she was so comforted by all the assistance i was able to give her. and i loved every minute of it. even though we didn''t get to bring that sweet little baby home. (we knew that ahead of time)


as a funny footnote, little things like a few pieces of ice, compared to the spoonfuls that here husband would try to stuff in her mouth, or the gentle washcloth rubdown i would give her compared to the headbanging with a washcloth that her DH would give her. we laugh about those things now, but at the time she wasn''t laughing....

for me, i can''t see wanting my children there. i needed to focus and they would have aggitated me. but i can see how it can be beautiful as a family affair. especially a home birth.

 

[asscherisme]

Uhh, as a mom of 4 myself I vote NO WAY would I want my kids there! Now if I had a HUGE span between kids and I had a 15 year old daughter when I had a baby that may be a different story. And even then, only if she wanted to be there. I would never pressure her to be. But small kids, nope, I would never do that nor did it ever cross my mind to do it. My kids were home safely with a friend who babysat when I gave birth to the younger brothers and sisters.

Yes its natural, but to see me in so much pain would have scared the kids I think. No I know it would have scared the kids. And with 2 of my kids there were complication, internal monitors, etc. Just the blood alone I think would freak them out.

However, I always arranged to have my kids come see me ASAP after I gave birth. The one that was born in the middle of the night, I had the kids come see me first thing in the morning. And for my other 2 births that were mid afternoon, After I had the babies, I had my husband leave while I was in recovery and I called him when I had a chance to shower and put on my own nightgown (instead of the hosptial one ) so when the kids came and saw me I looked like me

Now, my 9 year old daughter who is 9 going on 25 talks about how when she gives birth one day she wants me on one side of her bed and her future husband on the other side. I hope she still feels that way when she grows up and has a baby!

edited to add: I have to admit that I did not like giving birth. After the first one I had enough of the experience to last a lifetime! But I wanted more kids. I openly tell people, I love being a mom, I love my kids more than anything but I hated giving birth. It was painful and messy and Oh, did I mention painful? First one, although painful great life experience. Four times?? way more than a lifetime of experience

Eva, your post made me smile on how clueless husbands can be in the delivery room. With my 4th child, I actually had to have the nurse kick him out for about an hour because he was being so obnoxious and just clueless and bothering me. The other births, he was not much better. Your sister was lucky to have you. I wished I had someone besides my husband to support me in delivery! But I'm done with having babies!!

 

[Lynn B]

IMVHO, no thanks!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Having just given birth 12 days ago, I''d have to say no way to having kids in the delivery room. I had only my mom and my husband in the room with me when I started pushing and that was perfectly fine with me. My labor/delivery was fairly routine until it was time to deliver the placenta and then things got messy fast and I think a young child would be traumatized by it. There was a lot of blood and I was in some pain and I don''t think a young child would understand that sometimes pain is not bad.

Jess

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 7/14/2008 1:02:37 PM
Author: Jas12
Lara--frankly i find comparing the experience of 'extreme hunger' and childbirth very odd. Yes childbirth hurts, it's messy it is difficult but it is also magical, spiritual, purposeful and lifechanging. I don't think negative events like starvation have any of those qualities and i certainly would not want to expose my children to them.

Yeah, it was an awkward comparison...the obvious comparison is probably the millions of african women/south american women/asian women who are forced to labour at home without any chance of medical assistance if required.
They are not labouring with their children present because it is beautiful, they are labouring with their children present because they have no choice.
But I didn't want to take their pain and fear lightly, by using it as an example.

It seems ironic that women who have the best medical services in the world are nervous about hospitals to the point where they will avoid them in childbirth, it seems almost superstitious to me.

Of course, you must be clear to birthing staff about your preferences, eg no drugs, active birth techniques, no episiotomy etc...
If you are terrified and hysterical, I guess it'd be more likely that they will give you more assistance, like offering you drugs, or, if things are going a little slow, suggesting a caesarian...?
If you pick a birthing centre/suite carefully, it will be much better suited to active childbirth than your living room.

But anyway, sorry, this is all completely OT, isn't it?! Sorry.

This topic has whetted my appetite for my next birth, though. I love giving birth!! After becoming involved in this topic last night, I'm amping up for my next pregnancy!

 

[Kaleigh]

No way, it''s something they don''t need to see, IMHO. Having them come in afterwards absolutely.

 

[iheartscience]

Oh dear Lord no. Yikes. I think this is just part of the larger trend (especially in the US, maybe) of parents putting their children at the center of everything. So many parents treat their children like little adults capable of making decisions and understanding adult things. This kind of thinking leads to some bad decisions, in my opinion.

I had actually already heard about that episode Jas mentioned-my older sister told me about it because she thought it was so disturbing! Needless to say, my older sister''s 5 year old daughter was NOT present when she gave birth to her second daughter.

Actually, a few years before she was even pregnant with her second child, my older sister mentioned to me that maybe me and my twin sister would like to be there with her when she had her second baby. I was like "NO!" and I was probably 23ish at the time. I think her feelings were hurt, but it just came out! I guess I just don''t want to see my sister''s business up close and personal!

I want to be like one of those dads in the 1950s who stays in the waiting room and doesn''t see mom and baby until mom''s hair''s all fixed and the baby''s all cleaned up. Wait-can I do that myself if I ever have a kid? Hahaha!

 

[iheartscience]

THREADJACK: twins, Indy?! Twins are the best! I should know-I am one!

I want them to be two girls. But I might be biased there, too, since I''ve got a twin sister!

 

[Jas12]

I love this topic, so interesting, so forgive the novel i have written below (no one really has to read it...hehe)

Lara--i am not picking on you, just some lively debate

but i would not be so quick to pity those women in other countries who give birth at home without the medical intervention you speak of. I am sure a lot of them have had much more positive experiences than many north americans who enter into the birthing environment as a ''patient'' and passive recipient of care rather than a key player in their own birth experience. If you read into the history of the medicalization of childbirth you will see that it is not rooted in a scientific need to aid women (our bodies, in most circumstances know exactly what to do), but rather an appropriation of it .
Does that mean i think that medicine isn''t useful in L&D, of course not. Things like drugs, fetal monitors and c-sections are life-saving, unfortunatley they are overused in north america to the point where women are often in greater risk of complications in hospital than at home. I don''t think natural homebirths are savage. I had a hospital birth b/c i had no choice, but assuming i am healthy and given the choice again i would actually opt for the home birth. Call me weird, but i would prefer stay away from a hospital unless i were ill.

I think would would be great is if their were more birthing centers around--a good marriage of medicine and women-centered care. Hmmm, maybe i need a change of career...

Indy--i asked my mom tonight if she was worried i would be traumatized by being at the birth, she admitted that yes it was a concern so they played it all by ear. Apparently i luved doing the breathing exercises and the biggest problem was my jealousy that my sister didn''t have to wear shoes or clothing

(i was only 3 and like you mentioned the midwives suggest kids be older but my mom had a calm, textbook birth with my sister so i guess that guided her decision at the time). My mom also mentioned that i never really asked "where do babies come from" or expeirence any emotional upheavle/jealousy with the arrival of a new sibling maybe b/c i saw it happen and she didn''t just ''appear'' in my life and home. Food for thought....

 

[swingirl]

Natural??? How natural is it to see your mother moan in pain, grunt, bleed, and plop out large blobs of material. Bowel movements are natural too and I wouldn''t invite guests to come watch me.

Just about every female animal in nature goes somewhere private to give birth. I think giving birth in public is anything but natural and probably very scary for kids. And what if an emergency situation arises? It can be very tense.

My kids are very bonded with each other and the oldest came to hospital several hours after her little brother was born. Nothing was lost by seeing him clean instead of bloody.

 

[Jas12]

swinggirl--i am beginning to get a complex--i think i live in a wacky family cuz we were always pretty open about umm, ''bathroom business'' in our family as well--no closed doors in our home

...it was all very, perfectly natural

i need to have a discussion with my parents... and here i thought i was well adjusted lol

 

[miraclesrule]

Yeah, that''s a bit too much for me. I don''t think you should subject a child to the "reality" of childbirth. I suppose it''s all in the way that one handles it, but what if there was a complication during delivery and everything goes haywire. Ack!! Not something I would want my child to see.

But then again, to each his own. Live and let live. If someone wants to bring in the calvary, who am I to judge.

 

[Lynn B]

Date: 7/14/2008 10:22:46 PM
Author: miraclesrule
Yeah, that''s a bit too much for me. I don''t think you should subject a child to the ''reality'' of childbirth. I suppose it''s all in the way that one handles it, but what if there was a complication during delivery and everything goes haywire. Ack!! Not something I would want my child to see.

But then again, to each his own. Live and let live. If someone wants to bring in the calvary, who am I to judge.

LOL!!!