Kids and Funeral Services

[pageone69]

Hello everyone,
My son is six and his mother is dying of cancer. She is not expected to live much longer and for this reason I need perspective on how to prepare him for this. Also should I let him see his mother during the viewing...have heard many different views and still undecided?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

This may be an unconventional answer, but ask your son and let him make the choice. My kids are a few years older and I took them to visit their great grandfather on his death bed and it wasn''t till months later that my son told me that he didn''t like being there. Since then, my kids have lost a few more relatives and three cats. They do not like talking about ANY of the deaths and my younger son (turning eight) says that it makes him sad.

 

[ponder]

I am so sorry for what you and your son are going through, but I am very glad that you are reaching out for help in helping your son through this extremely difficult time.

I would strongly suggest seeking professional help with this. A child of this age does not grasp the permanence of death and will have difficulty expressing himself through the grieving process.

If you do not know where to seek a councellor/psychologist for help, start by contacting your son''s pediatrician. The pediatrician should be able to direct you to someone to help the both of you deal with your son''s mothers illness, death, and afterward.

I have been to several viewings/funerals with young children and the outcome of the event was directly related to how prepared the child was for the viewing/funeral.

My brother and his wife believe in taking their children to viewings/funerals no matter their age because they feel that this is a natural part of life that should be experienced. They have had no problems, but I feel that they fully explain the death/viewing/funeral process beforehand and also tie their strong religious beliefs into it.

My husband''s sister and her husband took their 6 year old daughter her first funeral and did not prepare her for it. To say she was unconsolably histerical was an understatement. They had to leave the viewing and not attend the funeral.

I wish you well and hope that you find some help through this difficult time.

 

[ponder]

Date: 6/28/2010 1:09:22 PM
Author: MC
This may be an unconventional answer, but ask your son and let him make the choice. My kids are a few years older and I took them to visit their great grandfather on his death bed and it wasn''t till months later that my son told me that he didn''t like being there. Since then, my kids have lost a few more relatives and three cats. They do not like talking about ANY of the deaths and my younger son (turning eight) says that it makes him sad.

I agree with MC that you should let him decide. He will probably change his mind several times before, but it should be his decision.

 

[soocool]

First let me say that I am sorry that you and your son are going though this. It must be a very difficult time for all of you. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Growing up my friend''s father died when she was 9. She had 2 younger siblings (I am not sure how old they were at the time), but their mother recently passed away and at the wake they were talking about how happy that they were at their dad''s funeral because they said goodbye to him. The youngest then said that when he was little he missed his dad, but he knew for a fact that he was in heaven (because he saw him in the casket) and did not just leave them because he didn''t love them. My friend is also a grandmother and her 5yo grandaughter was at the wake and funeral and kissed her great grammy goodbye and told her to say hello to her great grandpa for her. Then she looked at her mom and said "Now great grandpa won''t be lonely anymore." We all cried, it was so beautiful.

I also know several people who have sent their children to grief counselling after losing a parent or a sibling. I think children have a hard time understanding what death means and sometimes professional counselling or a grief camp can help them deal with their feelings and meet other children who have gone through the same thing.

 

[Morgie44]

I attended my grandmother''s wake and funeral when I was 7. I remember going up to the casket at the visitation and don''t remember being bothered by it. However, my FIL passed away recently and some of my husband''s grade school aged cousins had a very difficult time with it. I think a lot of it depends on your son and how emotional/sensitive he is and the dialogue you have with him leading up to the death and services themselves. Another thing I remember about my grandma''s wake was running and playing tag with the other kids after our attention span had dwindled, so i would highly suggest having someone to look after him at the wake and maybe even funeral so that you are not too stressed with entertaining him as well. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Haven]

I''m so sorry that you''re going through this.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Reg, I''m very sorry to hear about this incredibly sad news.

Would it be possible to take your son to "view" his mother early, before any other people arrive, and see how he handles it? If he is at least a little bit comfortable with the idea before a lot of other people show up it may help him. Plus, this may be a good time to talk with him about what''s going on and he''ll likely be less shy/intimidated with just you than a ton of people around. Or, it may become obviously pretty quickly that it''s a bad idea, and then you will have the opportunity to get him out of there.

 

[Prana]

I''m so sorry that you are being faced with this predicament. But I''m happy that you are reaching out.

I also think that you should ask him what he wants to do. Your wife is sick, and chances are he understands that something isn''t right.

My grandparents died when I was 10 and 12 (a bit older than your son), and my parents gave me the option of attending their wake and funeral. I opted NOT to go. I didn''t want to remember them in their coffin. I didn''t want to have to experience that image. I never regretted that decision.

I hope that you are able to remain strong through all of this, and I will certainly keep your family in my thoughts.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My great grandfather died when I was 6. I wanted to go to the funeral and my parents decided that it was better I did not go. I have always regretted not getting to say goodbye. When my grandfather died a few years later, I did go and I did not have a problem, neither did my younger brother who was a very sensitive child. I think it is important not only for him to understand that she is gone, but also to be a part of the recognition of her life.

You are very brave and there is no wrong answer.

 

[charbie]

I''m sorry you are going through this. You didn''t mention that his mother is your wife, but no matter what, I''m sure it is difficult for you both to face.
A friends husband actually committed suicide and her 6 yr old was at the viewing and services. I''m not sure how well everything was explained, bc she said numerous times, "why won''t daddy wake up??? I keep telling him to get up!" But she also drew pictures and put some momentos in the casket for her dad to have.

I think you can take this opportunity to show your son that death is a part of life. I think in our society we have this horrible fear of death, and no one embraces it and allows it to happen. Clearly it is a sad event, but at the same time, I think celebrating her life is in order as well. I think if you prepare you son by telling him his mom won''t be able to be alive forever, and when she dies she will still live in his heart but he won''t be able to see her asnymore, except in pictures. Involve a hospice organization if one hasn''t already been involved. They are there for families and the patients, and honestly will sometimes help families more than the patient!

If you make death a distant part of your sons life, I think it will only perpetuate that we should ignore death and not discuss it. Having open conversations will help you both heal.

 

[Prana]

Charbie I agree with most of what you''ve said, but I still feel that it should be up to the child whether or not he wants to attend. Regardless, I think you''ve been spot on with getting the child ready for what to expect.

To use myself as an example, I chose not to go to my grandparent''s wake/funerals, but am very accepting of, and not fearful of death as an adult. My job requires me to work with people who are actively dying, and these are my preferred patients, as they are at a point in life where they need optimal care- death is a very significant part of life for the dying and their family. (in my opinion.)

My point is that, if the child chooses to go or not to go, I don''t think it will have an effect on how the child views death later in life-if he is given the CHOICE. If he is not given the choice, it could be lastingly traumatic either way (if he is forced to go, or forced to stay home). Unfortunately in this case, there is bound to be some minimal form of upset oh his behalf.

 

[partgypsy]

So sorry you are going through this.

I would also get a (grief) counselor involved, the sooner the better. There are things you can do that can make the process a less traumatic, more prepared. The main goodbyes they exchange will be before the funeral.

Regarding the funeral I would let the child decide if he wanted to attend and respect her wishes on that. However, if there is a dinner, some gathering before or after the funeral that is more informal where family members are present, it may be a good idea to let the child attend that so that people have a chance to share memories of the mom in a more informal and positive setting.

 

[smiles]

Pageone, I am so sorry that you and your soon are going through this. I am going to give you the same suggestions I give to my clients in my work as a crisis counsellor:
1. I think starting as soon as possible you need to speak as soon as possible with your soon and explain as much as possible, in children''s terms, what is going on and what will be happening in the future.
2. I would make sure if possible that he has an opportunity to see her before she dies
3. I would tell him what will happen at the funeral and what part he would like to play in the whole thing and how he feels about attending each part.
4. Make sure he knows that he doesn''t have to decide right now and can think about it and even change his mind at the last moment.
5. If you have a bereaved families in your area I would get in touch with them about any groups/counselling for children. They are the experts in the field.

Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this but I applaud your ability to make your son your priority and be willing to take steps to help him through this. It takes a lot of courage to tackle death head on with a child so I really admire you!

 

[oddoneout]

If the child is fairly mature you could ask him if he wants to go (like others have suggested). I''m sorry you''re going through this.

 

[oobiecoo]

I agree that you could ask him if he would like to go.

I remember my great aunt died when I was 7. I was there at the hospital when she was having surgery and complications and then also went to her visitation and funeral afterwards. I was not traumatized and I very much understood what death meant. I think kids often understand more than they are given credit for.

 

[artdecogirl]

So very sorry for what your family is going through, My brother passed suddenly 2 years ago and his 3 daughters were 8,10 and 12 I think, so a little older, they did need to see him , they understand but had never dealt with it , we talked alot about it and what would happen beforehand as many have said, it was very overwhelming for them having so many people around wanting to express their sympathy to them, so many strangers ,I would make sure he has a out in case he needs it, some one who can take him outside or home if need be, we took a few outside breaks during the visitation because it was just too much. They decided what they wanted in the casket and I think that was good, a little empowering in a powerless situation, they also picked the music that was played during the visitation and what clothes he would wear and helped pick out pictures to display. The girls also got to see him before everyone else got there and I think that was important, gave their mom time to talk with them just in general, they had many comments about how he looked, the makeup they had used and that kind of stuff, they were very curious about the logistics of it all. I would also check with your sons school, the girls had a counsler at school that they talked to and could go see anytime they needed to and still see them on occasion now. One thing that stands out is they very much remember the last time they had talked to him and what was said so if you are able to facilitate those moments, they rememeber the last time they hugged him or told him they loved him, those were biggies. Your son is younger but I think those things are universal when we lose someone we loved. Again so very sorry for what you are going through.