International Adoption

[FrekeChild]

Stories? Thoughts? Would you do it or not? Why or why not? How long did the process take, start to finish? Would you do it again? What would you do differently? Do you have biological children also?

Also, price range? How much was everything? Because I know it''s not cheap.

And finally, recommendations?

 

[sba771]

I don't know much other than what my close friend just recently went through to get her wonderful daughter. Here is her blog which is very real and quirky and she did a great job, I think, of telling what she went through. It is a long read but I hope it helps (10 points if you can guess who I am as I just found a picture of myself on it, I pop up in the end of 2007

)
http://barbits.blogspot.com/2007/06/first-post.html

 

[Novel]

Freke, I don''t know much either, other than what my friends went/are going through to get their kids. Here are their blogs, if you''re interested. Xander and Alana and Better Make it A Triple. Good luck, with whatever you decide!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

It really depends on a lot, I have seen a huge variety of children who were adopted from another country. However, in the last few years, regulations on the quality of orphanages and the rules to adopt have changed. In Russia, for example, it is much more difficult now for someone from the US to adopt a child. I know one guy who adopted 4 kids from there and they all had differing levels of care before he adopted them. He now gives a lecture talking about their early experiences and their long term personality traits....fascinating lecture.

If I had to put all my observations in a few statements, I would say a lot depends on

1) The reason they were given up (e.g. drugs or alcohol abuse vs poverty vs child abuse/neglect). In the first situation, you are likely to have a child who had an in utero exposure
2) How long they were in the orphanage
3) What kind of care they got - several have been neglected
4) If they acquired any chronic diseases (e.g. TB)
5) the nutritional status of the child

Hope this helps.

 

[movie zombie]

the physical therapist i go to adopted one infant girl from an "orphanage" in china and then did so again a few years later. girls are often sent to an orphange not only if the mother is unwed but because the family cannot support the child. the girls are a delight and are now in 5th grade and 2nd grade.....both with very different personalities. Suszie used the same agency to go through with both adoptions. if interested, let me know. i know she has no complaints regarding the agency.

mz

 

[FrekeChild]

Feel free to share MZ! I''m trying to learn as much as possible before we make any kinds of decisions. From what I''ve seen there are varying requirements for the parents for each country, and this is a huge concern for us because FI has a congenital heart defect that he will routinely have to have surgery for every 10-15 years (unless they come up with a permanent fix anyway). Not to mention we aren''t married yet, and we''re still both students (although not for long!) At this point we''re just wondering if it''s even possible for us to go through it.

Not to mention, it''s a huge decision, and we''re both interested in being as educated as possible before we go into anything like this.

 

[Skippy123]

Here is some info on cost; I remembered our friends paid $30k to adopt in Central America. Their little boy is the cutest!!! I have another friend that tried to adopt locally and the mother ended up keeping the baby; it was so heart breaking for them so they are going for international adoption now.
http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost

 

[sba771]

Date: 10/3/2009 10:18:03 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Feel free to share MZ! I''m trying to learn as much as possible before we make any kinds of decisions. From what I''ve seen there are varying requirements for the parents for each country, and this is a huge concern for us because FI has a congenital heart defect that he will routinely have to have surgery for every 10-15 years (unless they come up with a permanent fix anyway). Not to mention we aren''t married yet, and we''re still both students (although not for long!) At this point we''re just wondering if it''s even possible for us to go through it.


Not to mention, it''s a huge decision, and we''re both interested in being as educated as possible before we go into anything like this.

I am sorry about your FI- read my friend''s blog that I posted because she is living with a life threatening and life changing disease and I know she talks about how it affected their choice and how they picked an agency and were picked by one. The great news is they have the most gorgeous wonderful little girl and they were not deterred by anything even though there were bumps.

 

[swimmer]

Freke,
We did a lot of research into this as well and it seemed like the first thing the agencies want you to do is seriously think about how different a child would look from you and how you would feel about that, how different you can go. It reminded me of my mom trying to fix my foster sister''s African-American hair. Mucho tears from both, but ultimately understanding. Folks wanting white babies go to Russia...where the demand for healthy babies is high. Like the earlier mentioned Russian experience, I have seen many Russian adopted children that were fine, and some horror stories of non-disclosed brain surgeries...just awful things. "Knowing" you and Dale, it doesn''t seem like you really need a family that matches. The countries that have the most available young children (everyone wants babies, younger also equals less damage), seem to be war-torn. At the end of the day, the shortest waiting lists and those with the fewest requirements (some countries want two years of marriage), that we found were Taiwan and Sri Lanka.

The good news is that you are excellent candidates in terms of age, many countries want the combined age to be under 100...you are all set there. D''s condition could be a factor though...it has to be disclosed, but how it is phrased is key. The agency we visited was thrilled with us till the health part...my cancer and malaria took me off the list for several countries even though neither have been an issue for ages and shouldn''t be again. Some Latin American countries are shutting down overseas adoptions because of corruption in the past. I read about a woman who adopted from a reservation out your way though...that could be an interesting option for you. Also, do you know the agency that placed you? They might be very interested in working with one of their "graduates."

A friend is in southern Mexico right now picking up her 14yr old son. Watching them build a family has been amazing. He was raised Evangelical in a foster home and is moving to one of the fanciest suburbs of Boston to live with Long Island Jews. They could be some sort of sitcom. They are adopting an older child because they fell in love with him while he was at a summer "adoption camp" and because they are too old to qualify for a baby.

This will be an interesting adventure Freke! research is an awesome thing.

 

[Novel]

Date: 10/4/2009 3:59:36 AM
Author: sba771

Date: 10/3/2009 10:18:03 PM

Author: FrekeChild

Feel free to share MZ! I''m trying to learn as much as possible before we make any kinds of decisions. From what I''ve seen there are varying requirements for the parents for each country, and this is a huge concern for us because FI has a congenital heart defect that he will routinely have to have surgery for every 10-15 years (unless they come up with a permanent fix anyway). Not to mention we aren''t married yet, and we''re still both students (although not for long!) At this point we''re just wondering if it''s even possible for us to go through it.



Not to mention, it''s a huge decision, and we''re both interested in being as educated as possible before we go into anything like this.

I am sorry about your FI- read my friend''s blog that I posted because she is living with a life threatening and life changing disease and I know she talks about how it affected their choice and how they picked an agency and were picked by one. The great news is they have the most gorgeous wonderful little girl and they were not deterred by anything even though there were bumps.

Ditto, almost exactly. The blog I listed where they have their children (Better Make it A Triple) has a similar situation. She doesn''t talk about her illness there (so I''m not going to either) but please know it played a role in where she decided to adopt from (Ethiopia) and they were able to do it successfully, ending up with two lovely girls.

Sorry to hear about your FI, as well.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 10/4/2009 12:16:10 AM
Author: Skippy123
Here is some info on cost; I remembered our friends paid $30k to adopt in Central America. Their little boy is the cutest!!! I have another friend that tried to adopt locally and the mother ended up keeping the baby; it was so heart breaking for them so they are going for international adoption now.
http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost

Thanks Skippy, that was exactly what I was looking for!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 10/4/2009 3:59:36 AM
Author: sba771

Date: 10/3/2009 10:18:03 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Feel free to share MZ! I''m trying to learn as much as possible before we make any kinds of decisions. From what I''ve seen there are varying requirements for the parents for each country, and this is a huge concern for us because FI has a congenital heart defect that he will routinely have to have surgery for every 10-15 years (unless they come up with a permanent fix anyway). Not to mention we aren''t married yet, and we''re still both students (although not for long!) At this point we''re just wondering if it''s even possible for us to go through it.

Not to mention, it''s a huge decision, and we''re both interested in being as educated as possible before we go into anything like this.

I am sorry about your FI- read my friend''s blog that I posted because she is living with a life threatening and life changing disease and I know she talks about how it affected their choice and how they picked an agency and were picked by one. The great news is they have the most gorgeous wonderful little girl and they were not deterred by anything even though there were bumps.

Thanks sba. The congenital defect is actually one of the many reasons we''re interested in adoption, and completely foregoing the biological route. He has a bad bad history of diabetes, heart disease and cancer on his mother''s side, so if we decide to have any children, they will be adopted. It''s more complicated than that, but that''s the basic gist. I will read her entire blog one of these days when school work calms down some, and I have some free time. Thank you for posting it.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 10/4/2009 8:44:01 AM
Author: swimmer
Freke,

We did a lot of research into this as well and it seemed like the first thing the agencies want you to do is seriously think about how different a child would look from you and how you would feel about that, how different you can go. It reminded me of my mom trying to fix my foster sister''s African-American hair. Mucho tears from both, but ultimately understanding. Folks wanting white babies go to Russia...where the demand for healthy babies is high. Like the earlier mentioned Russian experience, I have seen many Russian adopted children that were fine, and some horror stories of non-disclosed brain surgeries...just awful things. ''Knowing'' you and Dale, it doesn''t seem like you really need a family that matches. The countries that have the most available young children (everyone wants babies, younger also equals less damage), seem to be war-torn. At the end of the day, the shortest waiting lists and those with the fewest requirements (some countries want two years of marriage), that we found were Taiwan and Sri Lanka.

The good news is that you are excellent candidates in terms of age, many countries want the combined age to be under 100...you are all set there. D''s condition could be a factor though...it has to be disclosed, but how it is phrased is key. The agency we visited was thrilled with us till the health part...my cancer and malaria took me off the list for several countries even though neither have been an issue for ages and shouldn''t be again. Some Latin American countries are shutting down overseas adoptions because of corruption in the past. I read about a woman who adopted from a reservation out your way though...that could be an interesting option for you. Also, do you know the agency that placed you? They might be very interested in working with one of their ''graduates.''

A friend is in southern Mexico right now picking up her 14yr old son. Watching them build a family has been amazing. He was raised Evangelical in a foster home and is moving to one of the fanciest suburbs of Boston to live with Long Island Jews. They could be some sort of sitcom. They are adopting an older child because they fell in love with him while he was at a summer ''adoption camp'' and because they are too old to qualify for a baby.

This will be an interesting adventure Freke! research is an awesome thing.

Swimmer!

Wooo....the looking different thing. FI is half white/half Mexican with dark hair, dark skin and dark eyes, but with an odd mix of features, and I''m a little Caucasian girl with blue eyes and light brown hair. In New Mexico, this is pretty common, because the population is a majority people of Hispanic origin. So we''re not "weird" looking together.

However, D''s sister is also half and half, and she tends to look more Caucasian than Mexican, BUT she has two sons that are both half African American, and while the younger of the two looks very typically African American, the older looks more "mixed". She often gets the "your kids don''t look anything like you" bit, and deals accordingly. Heck, D still gets it when he''s around his dad, because he just doesn''t look like him at all, with taking on his mom''s coloring.

So, in other words (and sorry this is somewhat jumbled, I''m thinking about this as I''m trying to write) we don''t really care what s/he looks like. Even if we went to Russia, the child probably wouldn''t look anything like us. Also, his background being in Sociology, his peers/friends are: Moroccan/Spanish, Indian, Cuban/Caucasian/Hawaiian, Bengali, Taiwanese, Japanese, Hispanic of all origins, Chinese, Native American, etc etc etc. So we are certainly open to adopting a child from another culture, and I can''t say it would be easy, but I think it would be easier for us than it would for most.

Plus I grew up a little (5''2), rounded blonde haired, blue eyed girl to two tall(5''8 and 6''4), skinny, dark haired, blue eyed older (my dad was 45, my mom 3 people, so I''ve also gone through the "you don''t look like your parents" thing myself. My answer: "So what?"

Anyway. I hadn''t really taken that into consideration and actively thought about that. I think ultimately it doesn''t matter. We have two non-matchy mutt doggies, and while they are adorable in their own unique ways, they are very obviously don''t aesthetically go together.

From what I have read, it seems common that various countries are looking for a couple around 30, who have been married for at least a year or two, with a decent net worth, and obviously cash to pay for everything. Obviously his health would be a concern, but it''s certainly manageable, we know how to deal with it, he is routinely going to the doctor for physical exams, as well as closely monitored by me and his cardiologist, which would make him healthier than many people.

For my adoption, it was completely private. My biological mother was apparently a very strong-willed individual (Huh! Who would have guessed?!) who didn''t go through an agency because they wouldn''t let her have ultimate control over picking my adoptive parents. So she got in contact with an attorney who specialized in adoption and went from there. She was all set to go with another couple and 8 months pregnant when suddenly they did something she didn''t like, and she pulled out of their agreement. Meanwhile, my parents had been trying without luck to have a baby, and had just sought out one of my dad''s friends/associates, who dealt with adoption on a regular basis, and she had just become aware of my being available again. My parents fit what my biological mother wanted perfectly (in their 30s, professionals, middle class--although upper middle class now) and instead of meeting them the way she did with the first couple, she did it all through the attorneys. And my parents brought me home April 24th, 1982, two days after I was born. My biological mom, as far as I know, was in her very early twenties, Christian, of Irish/English heritage, and not with my bio father. I know nothing of him. I believe shortly afterward New Mexico state laws changed for adoption, and there had to be some kind of way for kids to trace back to their bio parents, but I don''t know that for sure. I have one piece of paper with my biological mother''s name on it. I have not looked at it, and I don''t think I will until perhaps my father passes, and even then, maybe not.

Your friend''s situation sounds pretty amazing. And very sitcom-ish. Should be interesting to see how that ends up working out. I certainly hope for the best.

I think, should we ultimately decide to go for it, that we would be excellent candidates for it, and that we''d be great parents because of our backgrounds and educations. Our only hurdles now is getting through the wedding part, staying married for however many years, and saving up significant amounts of money. But of course, deciding to go through the process or not would be one of the first steps.

There are so many things to think about...

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 10/4/2009 12:02:54 PM
Author: Novel
Ditto, almost exactly. The blog I listed where they have their children (Better Make it A Triple) has a similar situation. She doesn''t talk about her illness there (so I''m not going to either) but please know it played a role in where she decided to adopt from (Ethiopia) and they were able to do it successfully, ending up with two lovely girls.

Sorry to hear about your FI, as well.

Thank you Novel! I am going to have a lot to read as soon as things calm down a bit over here!

I am happy to hear so many success stories, and families brought together and created through this process.

 

[Novel]

There are a lot of really wonderful blogs about it out there, but yes, its a huge amount of reading! Good luck

Its something I''ve thought about, too, for similar reasons to what you and your FI are going through. I look forward to following your process as you think it through!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 10/3/2009 10:18:03 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Feel free to share MZ! I''m trying to learn as much as possible before we make any kinds of decisions. From what I''ve seen there are varying requirements for the parents for each country, and this is a huge concern for us because FI has a congenital heart defect that he will routinely have to have surgery for every 10-15 years (unless they come up with a permanent fix anyway). Not to mention we aren''t married yet, and we''re still both students (although not for long!) At this point we''re just wondering if it''s even possible for us to go through it.

Not to mention, it''s a huge decision, and we''re both interested in being as educated as possible before we go into anything like this.

i''ll ask her....i also will note that both she and her husband are white caucasian as pale as they come and the only thing they''ve noticed having adopted the girls is that chinese speaking people here in the US always ask them if they speak mandarin. their reply: no but we go horseback riding, have gymnastics, etc. of course, california bay area and the scruz area are populated with people from many different cultural and ethnic backgrounds that i don''t think the a "the kids don''t look like you" is much of an issue. the girls have also seen pictures of themselves in china before they were adopted. they know the towns them came from. it is totally open and they are thriving! again, in the bay area schools are filled with kids from all ethinic backgrounds and in the campbell/cupertino area there is a high percentage of asians.....so they really fit in.

mz

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I was adopted from Korea, and I adopted my first child from there this year. I also am pregnant, so will have a bio child in the mix. I need to put my daughter to bed, actually, but will write more later. I absolutely would do it again, should we have more children (though I think we''re done).

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 10/4/2009 7:37:01 PM
Author: Logan Sapphire
I was adopted from Korea, and I adopted my first child from there this year. I also am pregnant, so will have a bio child in the mix. I need to put my daughter to bed, actually, but will write more later. I absolutely would do it again, should we have more children (though I think we're done).

Congrats Logan!!!

Freke,
I have a friend who adopted a baby from China, she's in the Boston area. She said it took 2 years, it was very thorough.. She and her husband had 2 biological children and wanted to adopt. They are thrilled.

My SIL/BIL adopted locally. Open adoption. When they got the call that they were chosen they were over the moon!!! We all were. Then the baby was born, they were allowed to take the baby to the hotel where they were staying and wait for the papers to be signed. That was agony. The birth Mom was starting to waver, but after a few days, she went with her plan that this baby was not something she could care for, etc...

What they gave to my SIL and BIL and our whole family, is the greatest gift ever. He's got lots of cousins, Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents, that just adore him.

He just turned 5. It seems like yesterday that he made his way to Nantucket.

I was telling my SIL, I will never forget when I was on the phone with her, she was waiting for the papers to be signed.
I said C, this is going to happen. I know it, no doubt about it. It was meant to be. I said I feel it in my whole being. I don't know how I knew it, but I did.
And then she called and said He's ours!!!!

We all cried tears of joy that day...

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Freke, sorry I am late to the thread. We''re house hunting and I am not on here as much as usual!

I want to tell you a lot of thoughts, but I need to do it when I have more time (it''s 11:15pm here and I need some sleep!).

Let me just say that in China the majority baby girls are not given up because the birth mother is unmarried, it is because the government has limits on how many children a couple can have (either one or sometimes 2) and most people want a son, if possible. This is because there is no "social security" and it is customary for the sons to take care of their parents in their old age.

Our adoption was right up there with the greatest events of our lives! If we had been younger when we did it, I definitely would have done it again.

I''ll be back! I love this topic!!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

I can''t wait to hear what you ladies have to say!

 

[somethingshiny]

I know a couple who adopted to little girls from China. I don''t know any of the costs associated with it. The first little girl took nearly 2 years to adopt and they got her when she was 10 months old. She had a terrible time with American formula and the mom had to have some sent over from China. The "orphanage" actually called the couple for the second little girl. They signed up to receive info if any siblings were going to be adoptable. So, they were informed that the little girl had been born and they could get her when she was ten months old. Each time they stayed in China for around 3 weeks.

They were very disappointed with the orphanage itself. No cameras were allowed and the conditions were disgraceful. It''s something she''s never really gotten over, knowing that her babies started off in such a horrific place. But, she has two beautiful and healthy little girls who are the joys of her life.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 10/5/2009 5:13:47 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I can't wait to hear what you ladies have to say!

Here was the main points of the lecture I herd by the psychiatrist who had 4 kids from Russia. He was really funny, and after every kid he said he was done, than they adopted another one! I can't remember baby 4, I think they had just adopted that one a couple years ago and was still really young

1) baby 1 - adopted at 9 months. She was malnourished and neglected. When they came to get her, she just clung to them. Now she is a beautiful preteen (he had portraits of them), doing well in school, artistic, but is insecure and has co-dependancy issues.

2) baby 2 - boy adopted about the same time from the same place. Someone must of gotten attached to him (according to the Father) because he was well nourished and had normal attachment patterns. Normal kid now.

3) baby 3 - adopted at age 4, came from a severely neglected household. In the orphanage, she is running around, doesn't care about anyone. Now, she is in middle childhood (hasn't hit puberty), doesn't really have friends, but is happy. He says everything seems to be a "party to her." Is not bothered by being alone. I am personally wondering what will happen when she grows up.

Anyways, I think he really loves all of his children, and I am sure he does not regret his decision because they kept going back for more. He swears he is done now. We'll see

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Our process took 14 months, start to finish. Part of that was dependent on us, part on the adoption agencies, and part on the Korean and American governments. We met people whose process took only 9 months. Part of our problem is that we live in the DC area, which is very busy immigration-wise. We were told that if we lived in a less busy part of the country, things with the US bureaucracy would''ve gone faster.

We adopted from Korea for several reasons, the main reason being that my sister and I were also adopted from there. The children are in foster homes, not orphanages, and medical care is consistent with US standards. Usually the women are young and single, who meet men in bars for brief flings. Obviously this isn''t the case 100% of the time, and in fact, our daughter''s story is nothing like the standard story. We do know a fair amount about her birth parents.

Korea is also one of the few, if the only, country that doesn''t require you to travel. We could''ve had her escorted here, but we chose to travel to Korea to pick her up. The downside to this is that you must finalize the adoption 6 months later in the US, rather than in-country. An additional downside is that obviously if you choose to travel to Korea, it increases your costs.

The cost isn''t inexpensive. Our situation is a little unusual b/c we used two different agencies- the referral and placement agency, which was located in another state, and the homestudy agency, who obviously did the homestudy and post-placement visits. I haven''t really added up the costs to the dollar, but I think we''re probably looking at about $28k total, which includes everything- lawyer fees, agency fees, country fees, ICE fingerprinting, child abuse checks, etc. Don''t forget, our travel to Korea for 2 people for 2 weeks was pretty expensive, maybe $4 or 5k total, so having the child brought here would obviously lower the costs. People often talk about adoption as if you''re buying a baby- you''re not. They forget that she lived with a foster family for almost 10 months, that she had medical check-ups monthly, that you''re paying for the costs of her food and diapers, etc.

I would totally do it again! We were still deciding if we wanted a second child, but had we decided yes, we would''ve adopted through Korea again. In a heartbeat! But as it happened, I got pregnant and we definitely don''t want a 3rd child, though I suppose I should never say never.

Keep in mind that this was my specific experience for a specific country- I don''t really know how adoptions go in other countries.

Let me know if you were looking for anything else!

 

[FrekeChild]

Thanks for everything you''ve shared so far guys!

Logan, how did you guys approach it? Do you go through local resources or distant ones when you started looking into it? And what were the delays due to besides immigration stuff? And did you hit any kinds of roadblocks? And for all of the stuff, lawyers, agencys, country fees, ICE fingerprinting, child abuse checks--was all of that local?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Freke, you choose an international adoption agency that preferably works in more than one country. Occasionally the rules change, or things happen in one country and you have to change to another. The adoption agency does not have to be local. It can all be done from a distance, usually, other than having someone licensed in your state do the homestudy. Ultimately, you should choose a respected agency that has proven results of bringing babies home for several years.

We are house hunting and that is why it has been hard for me to get on this topic this week and do it justice. I''ll try to give a summary, but please ask questions!

We started this when we were in our late 30''s. We already had a son and daughter by birth. Without going into a long story, I was drawn to the idea of international aadoption. It honestly killed me to see news shows on orphanages filled with babies around the world with no one to love them. We had the time, money, and love to offer another child, so we did it.

Our story is a little long and complicated, but at the time we started the process, China did not allow people who already had children to adopt (in keeping with their own one child domestic policy). So we settled on Viet Nam. We thought we''d ask for siblings between ages 2-4. A few months later we were referred a newborn baby girl who had a twin brother, and the brother might be given to the orphanage if the mother did not recover. So we did a major mental readjustment and said we''d accept the baby girl and the brother if he was brought in to the orphanage. I can''t take the time to tell you all the details, but the orphanage decided at some point to no longer cooperate with our agency, and after a long drawn out fight, we lost that baby. It was heartbreaking and very difficult for my family. We had invested so much emotionally into looking forward to bringing a child into our family, that we decided to switch countries and start over. The neat thing was that we got to know some of the other Viet Nam families by phone, and eventually, they went to China with us. By the time the first adoption fell through, China had changed the rules to allow people with children to adopt "special needs" babies. But they were not really special needs for the most part. They had more healthy babies than they knew what to do with.

Back when I was researching the whole thing, there seemed to be more attachment, adjustment, and negative issues such as fetal alcohol syndrome associated with children coming out of eastern Europe and Russia. On the whole, the children coming out of Korea, Viet Nam, and China seemed to be better cared for and coming home with fewer issues. Also, the trips were less complicated or the children could be escorted here. China required a trip there and we had the trip of a lifetime. The whole thing cost about $20,000, but now there is an adoption tax credit that helps a lot. Wish they had passed that a little earlier!

On Valentine''s Day, we were sent a tiny picture of a baby girl, and we fell in love instantly! We travelled to China a couple of months later and stayed for two weeks. We travelled with a group of 12 couples or singles from our agency and made some lifelong friends (especially since we had gone through the trauma of the other adoption attempt with three of them). The wait for China is long now, but the vast majority of these babies have done very well (and their program is honest and pretty dependable). You''ll hear negative stories from every country, but my most sincere advice is to get a baby as young as possible and preferably from a place that does provide at least some nurturing. Our process took over 2 years, but again, more than a year was dealing with the adoption that fell through. The China part was reliable and went as expected.

There are some countries that have questionable practices (like charging exorbitant fees that go to some lawyer and it makes you wonder if they are selling babies). And there are some that make you take two trips which really runs up the price. There are some countries that are under $20,000 like Ethiopia, but many will run in the low 20''s including the travel for 2. And like I said before, the tax credit makes it even easier. I really don''t like to hear people say it is expensive, because good grief, we are talking about the life of a CHILD, when many people don''t blink at spending more than that on a car.

If we had been younger when we got our daughter from China (we were 40 when she came home), we certainly would have done it again. I think I said on that other thread it was right up there with the greatest events of my life. I haven''t regreted it for one moment, and we adore this child every bit as much as our birth children. And they love her, too! I started out thinking I was going to help an orphaned baby, but the truth is, the joy and blessing were all ours!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

We didn''t have a digital camera when she was really little, so I don''t have many on my computer. But here are a couple taken different years at our reunion at a VA resort with the other families with whom we travelled to China.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

One more:

 

[FrekeChild]

DS, how old is she now? She''s such a cutie pie!

Also, (because I''m taking a cross-cultural psych class) how have you handled her coming from another culture? FI thinks that we should learn their native language so we can teach it to them, but I''m terrible with languages (no really, took Spanish Kindergarten through high school, and can''t speak it at all), so I''m leaning towards a Chinese baby, because FI''s BFF is Taiwanese (don''t know if I mentioned this already, it''s late!) and speaks fluent Mandarin, Japanese and a few more languages. But I''m wondering about how we''d go about teaching a child about their culture, when we know almost nothing of it. If that makes sense. But we both believe that heritage is very important...especially when the child''s appearance is so different from our own.

I know I have more questions, but I can hardly keep my eyes open!

And don''t worry about answering back right away!

 

[sba771]

Date: 10/10/2009 2:54:48 AM
Author: FrekeChild
DS, how old is she now? She''s such a cutie pie!


Also, (because I''m taking a cross-cultural psych class) how have you handled her coming from another culture? FI thinks that we should learn their native language so we can teach it to them, but I''m terrible with languages (no really, took Spanish Kindergarten through high school, and can''t speak it at all), so I''m leaning towards a Chinese baby, because FI''s BFF is Taiwanese (don''t know if I mentioned this already, it''s late!) and speaks fluent Mandarin, Japanese and a few more languages. But I''m wondering about how we''d go about teaching a child about their culture, when we know almost nothing of it. If that makes sense. But we both believe that heritage is very important...especially when the child''s appearance is so different from our own.


I know I have more questions, but I can hardly keep my eyes open!


And don''t worry about answering back right away!

Hi Freke,
I know that question wasn''t directed to me, but we are super close with our friends whose daughter is from Vietnam. She was 2 when they adopted her and she spoke only Vietnamese. They brought her home and she was in the US for less than 6 weeks then they moved here to Germany with us. They enrolled her in nursery school and her English is amazing, she is about to turn 3 and a very typical talkative 3 year old. She still babbles a little in Vietnamese and they have Vietnamese picture books and DVDs and they celebrate Vietnamese holidays and embrace her culture. They didn''t know anything about it before once they settled on Vietnam they started to educate themselves and learned about the culture. My friend cooks amazing Vietnamese food now. From my experience with them they didn''t feel the need to learn Vietnamese themselves because there were enough other ways to incorporate her background. For Xmas they are actually taking a cool trip to Vietnam to visit it now that she is acclimated and can appreciate visiting and won''t think she is going back. We are super close hence I know all this stuff so if you have questions I can pass info along.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 10/10/2009 2:54:48 AM
Author: FrekeChild
DS, how old is she now? She''s such a cutie pie!

Also, (because I''m taking a cross-cultural psych class) how have you handled her coming from another culture? FI thinks that we should learn their native language so we can teach it to them, but I''m terrible with languages (no really, took Spanish Kindergarten through high school, and can''t speak it at all), so I''m leaning towards a Chinese baby, because FI''s BFF is Taiwanese (don''t know if I mentioned this already, it''s late!) and speaks fluent Mandarin, Japanese and a few more languages. But I''m wondering about how we''d go about teaching a child about their culture, when we know almost nothing of it. If that makes sense. But we both believe that heritage is very important...especially when the child''s appearance is so different from our own.

I know I have more questions, but I can hardly keep my eyes open!

And don''t worry about answering back right away!

Thanks! She will turn 14 on Sunday! Very hard to believe how fast the time has passed!

I think it is very unrealistic to think that parents should learn the native language of an adopted child unless the child is older and it would help ease the transition to English. Even older kids fairly quickly learn English once they are saturated in it (there was a 4 year old in our group, and she ahs done fine!). Learning Chinese as an adult would be quite a task! (And even if we did, it''s not like she''s have a lot of other people to speak Chinese to!)

We bought lots of books and other things to give our daughter (through the years) when we were in China. There are groups such as Families with Children from China that promote cultural events for the kids. Also, we have tried to go to museum exhibits when China was featured as well as other events such as Chinese dancers, etc. There are also cultural tours back to the birth country that kids and families can go on when the kids are older.

But what I want to emphasize is that these kids (adopted by US families) are American. If adopted fairly young, all they know is their adoptive family and surroundings here. I used to buy my daughter these adorable Asian baby dolls because I thought they were so cute, but invariably, when we''d be in a store, she''d point to blonde or redheaded ones that SHE wanted!

If asked what restaurant she wants to go to, Chinese is never her choice (although we do get Chinese take-out occasionally because we like it!).

What you eventually realize is that we tend to focus on life as it is now. We don''t spend a lot of time on our own ancestors and heritage, and we don''t spend a lot of time on hers now, either. We go to school, we spend time with friends and family, and we have a happy and busy life in the here and now. Our family unit, our friends, and our locale make up OUR culture, and that is what she knows and is interested in. She does not show more interest in a Chinese exhibit in a museum than she does an Egyptian one! So yes, expose them but understand that they are Americans who were born in another country. I have found that the adoptive parents are often more interested in the child''s cultural heritage than the child is! Almost everyone focuses on it when the children are young, but as they get older and have their own interests, it tapers off.