How to move forward

[akw94]

Hi,
I''ve been having a hard time these past few days but am trying to find a way to move forward. My ex-fi and I decided to split up. Well, he decided that he doesn''t want to get married and doesn''t feel anything would change that so splitting up is the right thing to do. If that''s how he feels, I guess he''s right. But it hurts incredibly. We are still living together and will until able to break the lease (if that''s allowed) or the lease ends in May. If allowed to break the lease, I guess we''ll have to find someone to take it over or sublet but not sure quite yet.
I just don''t know how to move forward from all this. We were supposed to spend our lives together and now we''re separating completely. I have told myself that I must get out of denial, this is happening, I have to deal w/it somehow. I just don''t know how. It hurts so bad.
Deep down, I know that he''s not right for me if he feels this way, if he''s not willing to commit to fixing things, if he''s so willing to give up so quickly and easily but that isn''t making it easier. I just see my whole lifetime of plans and now they''re changed. I believed him when he said he wanted us forever, when he proposed, when he said he was sure, when he said all those things he said and we made plans and began a life together. Now, somehow I have to let it go.. whether I want it to or not.
For myself though, I have to not move backwards. I don''t know how to act w/us still living together. Just until we had this discussion, things felt good, we always enjoy spending time together, being together and now that just stops. So what happens on the weekends? What happens when there is something that we would''ve done together.. I guess just go alone or not go. B/c although he could continue and just be friends, it hurts much too much for me. But it also hurts being there together but at the same time, being apart.
Any advice on how to move forward, I would appreciate it.
Thanks.

 

[movie zombie]

dixie, so very very sorry that you''re in this situation. is your name also on the lease? can you move out and leave him there? also, not sure where you are but here in california if you move out before a lease is up and the owner can get someone else in, then you''re not obligated to pay the lease until may. just a thought.... the sooner you can not be living with him, the sooner you will start to heal.

movie zombie

 

[misysu2]

Oh dixie! I''m sorry this has happened. I understand why you''re hurting and having problems dealing with the situation. I do think you''ve got the right perspective on things, though. I know I don''t need to tell you already, but I will anyways just for confirmation, that it''s better he decided this before, rather than after, the wedding. And, of course, this means it''s not meant to be. Breaking a lease is tricky and often expensive. Maybe he could find another apartment with a short-term lease or move in with a friend? That would give you both time alone to work it out and begin healing. If you two can''t afford another apartment, my advice would just be to make sure you and your ex-FI are as honest with eachother as possible during this transition time. I know it''s not easy for him either. Make sure you''re spending time with friends, going out on your own, and not putting life on hold. Don''t stay at home if you''re undecided on something, go out and do it! Show him, as well as yourself, that you''re capable and will be happy on your own.

And, we''re here for you too! You can always turn to us on PS for advice and hugs! Keep your head up and know that you''re a strong confident woman who can get through this. May isn''t that terribly far off. If you end up having to live together until then, use it as an honest open time for transition.

 

[Efe]

Oh Dixie, hugs to you. I wish I had advice and time to give it, but I have to run out the door. I just wanted to respond and let you know that I am thinking of you and that I hurt for you. Please take good care of yourself.

 

[janinegirly]

Hi Dixie,
I''m glad you''re here. I think some of us aren''t that surprised that it came to this point, but still are so sorry for your pain. I don''t think it''s worth it to ananalyze things any more--you just need to move FORWARD as you pointed out. And good for you for coming to some realizations (that you need to stop being in denial and take action for your life and your sanity, not to mention your son''s).
I''m going to be a little tough here, but I think you need to hear it.

#1) You need to stop re-hasing what could have been and should have been. That was in the past and it will never be re-created. Yes it''s awful, but unfortunately a part of life, so please avoid torturing yourself with thoughts of what was supposed to be.

#2) In order to start any sort of healing (and building some self esteem and perspective) AND to achieve #1, you HAVE to move out and stop this undefined relationship! You are clinging onto something that temporarily makes you feel better but in the long run is doing more harm! OF COURSE you can break a lease, I''ve done it many times. You are not helpless here...contact the landlord, tell him the situation and ask what the options are. He may let you break it (depending on the rental market where you live) OR request you find someone to take it over. You can also ask the ex to leave and then you find a roommate! Please do one of these things, there are many options other than waiting till May.

You have to accept that this man does not want to get married and have some pride and say, fine, HIS loss. I know it''s by no means easy, but just try to simplify it and realize that hanging around and being in denial is truly thwarting any kind of healing. It''s not healthy for your mind or soul. Your ex will also respect you more for it, he seriously has not yet lost anything (since being in a stagnant situation benefits him)..and it''s because you keep being so accessible.

I hope this helps a little..I think once you''re out of the toxic living environment you will have better perspective. Also, you''re not alone, find strength in the women you hear about who went through long term relationship breakups and divorce and came out 100% better off--there are so many of these kinds of stories, even right here this board! The quicker you get out of this situation (which is all within your power right now), the quicker you''ll begin the awesome life that is waiting for you!!

Please keep us posted..

 

[littlelysser]

Dixie - I''ve been following your story for the last few months...and I''m so sorry about what is going on.

For what it is worth, I think first and foremost, you''ve GOT to move out of that place. There is just no way you are going to be able to move on when you are still living together...when you have your own place, the issue of doing things together will become much less pervasive...and really, there is no way your going to be able to get past things, when you are living with him, analyzing every conversation or glance for some ulterior or deeper meaning. Know what I mean?

And second, now that it is over, I think you need to grieve. The relationship you thought was going to be for the rest of your life has ended. And that is really sad. I think it is totally okay to be a basket case for a bit. I really think you to be sad for what is gone - like you said, it hurts - and as much as that sucks, you have to feel it...but it will get better.

 

[DaniGirl]

hi dixie, i am soooo sorry you are going through this right now. as hard as it may be, changing the current living situation should be your first priority. as others have said, once you have changed that you will finally be able to deal with the situation and begin to move forward. living together will not allow you to do this. hugs to you!! try to hang in there, in time you will slowly move on and realize life is too short, and you deserve to be happy!!

 

[mela lu]

Dixie, I too have been following your plight. I''m so terribly and deeply sorry that you are going through this.
What you are living in is called AGONY. Agony only exists until ''something'' is done to take you out of agony.

IMO (and I''ve been in a similar but WAY less painful boyfriend break-up years ago) you HAVE to move out. Period.

Keep paying monthly rent if you have to (if sublet is not possible) because at the end of the day, it''s just money and your heart and well-being are WAY more important than a few months of rent. Make sense?

Is that a possibility?

 

[Erin]

Dixie I too am very sorry.
We ended a six year relationship last October but we didn't separate the belongings in the house until the end of May. However we did not live together during that time frame. I can't see how I could of. He moved into a furnished motel. Albeit not the cheapest route to go we certaintly would have bickered and snided each other to misery. Not to mention the urge to be physical because what would it harm anyway - which is a bad, bad, bad, bad idea!

Why don't you move out and let him deal with what the consequences of the lease are? You walked into the lease with certainty and he's the one who put the big kink in that plan. Surely there is a fabulous single gal - like me - who would be more than happy to lend you a bedroom with a closet until you figure out where you're going to move your belongings???

Speaking from experience I remember the pain of being so sad that everything I thought I had was gone and it washed away many bystanding dreams and circumstances along with the wave. Yeah, there's a lot that will be no more. THANK GOODNESS! It most likely would have been a life of heartache had this not be caught before the wedding. Just remember that. And I promise you things will get better.

There is a part of me that still feels sorry for myself for being 32 and no where near marriage when I'm such a catch

but it sure as hell beat living in the day to day uncertainty and wondering and second guessing I used to suffocate my life with. At least now I'm dating, I'm in charge of my own house, my constant nagging has brought my girlfriends out of their houses more often and they thank me for it. I'm painting again, I learned how to play golf, I'm more in control of my life than I've ever been. My parents, my bosses, my friends have all noticed that I'm happy again, quite possibly happier being myself now than when I was wishing for something which caused me frequent pain.

You have to get out of that house. Stick the problem with him. Does that sound mean? I think his wishy washy leading you on act was mean. Who cares! Find somewhere else to live. It'll be so much better for you than living there til May - that seems like a bloody nightmare!!!

Once you go on that first date. I don't care if he's Brad Pitt or not - you'll get those butterflies in your stomach and slowly you'll remember that you are the one who chooses if 'he' is the one for you. You are in charge of whether or not there's a second date and that is very liberating for girls like us who've been stuck waiting for someone else to make your life plans for you. I know dating is probably far from your mind but it'll do a world of good for you as far as building your self esteem back up which I'm sure if your situation is anything like mine was - you need a healthy dose of it.

Cry. Cry your eyes out. Yell out loud how sad you are and hear yourself saying it. I promise you in six months you'll be able to look back on today and realize that things are better. I promise. Keep your chin up and move out as soon as possible!

I'll be checking on you. I've been there.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Hey Sweetie!

We have all been there at one point or another. You gave me some great advice when I was dealing with my ex and now it its my turn to give you the advice from someone who has been there.

You need to get out of that house. The longer you live there the more pain it will be for you in the long run.Do not get a room mate. Get out and start a new. The longer you look at things you shared the more you will torture yourself. Its not worth the mental stress and pain.
Give him back the ring, even if he says no. Keeping it reguardless of the situation will only make it more painful.
Pack up all of the things that remind you of him or what you had together. The more you look at it the more people have a tendency to look back at memories or think if ''what if''s" When you are better and healed you can look back on them as a lessoned learned and be greatful that he loved you enough to tell you the truth.
Talk to your friends and you family. They are there for you (as we are here for you) they will support you and be more helpful than you think about the situation.
Be thankful that he is at least being honest with you now before it was too late. There are times when things are not what they seem and we try to ignore some of the things that happen in our lives to be happy on the outside meanwhile on the inside we are scared and lonely and we are not getting our true feelings out there. Somethings are better left unsaid and somethings are better out in the open. If you have something to say...say it.
Time will heal all wounds. Trust me it will take a long time before you will feel like your old self. But you have some great friends who will be there for you when you thought they wouldnt.

I wish you all the best and I hope you keep us posted on your progress. We all care for you and we are all here for you if you need to vent.

to you!!!
I wish you

on a cloudy day...............
Happiness and

(rest) for your health.......

 

[Mannequin]

Dixie-

I am sorry that you are going through a really rough time right now. You should know, though, that things will improve. I can speak from experience.

You said it yourself in your post - he's not right for you if he is not willing to work on things. THANK GOODNESS you've figured this out now rather than let this relationship limp along.

I went through the same thing with my ex-FI, sweetie. He changed his mind about everything, and all of a sudden, I was living with someone who had very different goals and expectations and emotional needs than when we started. Same situation with the lease - all this trouble was going on in Sept. to Jan. and the lease ran through May. It was unbelievably hard to deal with - we split up and got back together multiple times over a few months, until I just couldn't take it anymore. I did not want to compromise my goals and wants by staying with a person who demanded too much of me without giving much in return. My job and finances were stable enough at the time to ask him to leave while I took on the lease myself. It was tough, but he left. I even packed his things for him! I just started filling garbage bags and piling them up by the door. He left for home and I kept our cat, and two weeks later he came to the rental office with me to remove his name from the apt. lease. If either you or he can afford to pay the whole lease, alone or with another roommate, I wholeheartedly think someone needs to go. You can't live with someone who doesn't want to be with you in the same way anymore. It's going to play with your emotions and hurt you too much. Sharing a living space with someone is hard enough already - don't torture yourselves with having to face each other every day. Is there somewhere where either you or he can go while the other stays for the remainder of the lease? Relatives, friends, coworkers?

I still talk to some of the mutual friends my ex-FI and I had, but I don't even attempt contact with him anymore. He was too hurt and bitter everytime I did try, so I moved along. I didn't want to do the "let's be friends" thing because that broken engagement would always be hanging over our heads and interfering. Some people can stay friendly, but it just wasn't for me. I got back into my own interests - my horses, my career, my education, cooking, fitness, family and friends, jewelry making - and started making new routines that didn't involve him any more. Trust me, you'll find things to do on weekends.

Lean on your friends and family as much as you can right now. My family and close girlfriends started visiting and calling me a LOT, at different times on different days, and we did all kinds of things that took my mind off of everything. Sure, you'll go places and think of the things that you did with him there, or hear or see something that you know the other person would love, but then can't tell them about it. Some days, everything will seem like a reminder of him and what isn't there any more. I know how this goes, and what gets you through is making your own routines and rituals, doing things for you that make you happy, and spending time with people who bring you up and remind you of the reasons why he is now an ex. I started my Masters, I leased a convertible, I bought a condo and totally redid my bedroom, I painted my toes often, I spent a TON of time talking to or visiting with my former bridesmaids, and I played Natasha Bedingfield's song "Unwritten" at least once every single day as my theme song. All of these things made me feel better and made me see that the future was no so bleak as it seemed in January.

I know it's hard to deal with the idea of this future you had envisioned for the two of you unravelling before your eyes. All the planning for a wedding and a life together seems to have been wasted, and you feel like you've been living a lie, in essence, throughout the whole relationship, because what you thought was a common end goal of a marriage fell through. I completely and totally understand these feelings and I know how hard it will be for you to think about picking up the pieces now and moving on. I had many rough days and nights of missing my routines with the ex and wishing that I didn't have my dreams evaporate in front of me, but I realized that had we kept the wedding date and went through with things, the marriage would have been miserable because his heart wasn't in it anymore. He wasn't the person I was supposed to be with, and though it is difficult to start over and try to find someone new, I told myself that the broken engagement was far better to deal with than a messy divorce. Keep positive and keep telling yourself that you did the right thing, because you did, and you are a strong woman because of it. It's on to better and happier things from here on, and whatever is meant for you will not pass you by.

 

[akw94]

Thank you all so much for your words. I can''t really respond right now, just too emotional and still want to process everything that was said. But I''m reading and re-reading and appreciate all the thought and time all of you have given to write to me. I need to hear those things, as hard as they are to accept, it all helps. I''m trying hard to find the strength that is in me, that has gotten me through other things in life.
I''ll write back more when I''m better able to.

Thank you so much.

 

[Kerbear560]

dixie, I''m so very sorry that things didn''t work out the way you hoped they would. Ugh...big hugs! Seriously though, you deserve someone that loves you and is in the relationship for the long haul. You were right when you said that deep down you know that he''s not right for you if he feels the way that he does. I know that doesn''t make what you''re going through any easier though.

You need to mourn the loss of not only your ex, but the future you thought you''d have with him, and I''ll echo everyone else''s sentiments- you need to stop living with him in order to start the healing process. You said that you need to get out of denial. I think that continuing to live with him will most likely foster your denial. I''m trying to put myself in your shoes here- if I were still living with my ex that had ended the relationship, it would be very easy for me to convince myself that he would change his mind eventually or maybe even that the breakup wasn''t for real. I''m willing to bet that part of you doesn''t want to change the living arrangement, because then you aren''t forced to face the full reality of the situation, but for your well-being it''s what you NEED to do. I think it’s human nature to not want to face pain, and to do everything you can to prevent facing it, but unfortunately in this situation there is no way around it. The longer you stay, the longer you''re postponing the healing process, and the harder it will be on you when you do finally fully separate (by not living together) and begin to heal.

As far as what to do about the lease (I remember from a previous thread that you both signed it), hopefully you''ll be able to break it. But, if for some reason you can''t- since your ex was the one to end things the way he did, I would hope that he would take it upon himself to do what''s best for you (if you want to stay there, maybe move out and continue to help with the rent until you are able to find a roommate, or if you don''t want to stay there, maybe he can find another roommate so you can move out). I hope that he is at least considerate enough of your best interest to do that much for you! If he doesn''t, I hope that you are able to somehow find a way to get out of this living arrangement. You should not live with him until May!

 

[bee*]

Oh dixie-I''m so sorry to hear that news. I ditto what others say-you need to get out of the accomodation. Living with each other you''re never going to get over your relationship completely-hopefully you can break your lease. take care of yourself, go out with your friends, even if it''s just to have a cry over a cup of tea.

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixie,

I am not going to tell you I''m sorry, I''m actually quite happy for you because this means there is resolution and that provides an opportunity for you to move forward with your life. The best way to do so would be to cut the cord, find a way to move out, or have him do so, and start to redirect and build your new and exciting future. Put the "what ifs" and "woulda, coulda, shouldas" out of your mind, you are exactly where you are meant to be at this moment, and now you get to choose where you and your son are headed next. He needs you to be strong, healthy and happy so you can parent him in the best way you know how, it''s up to you to do whatever it takes to get yourself to that place.

Take care of yourself,

~K

 

[Steel]

Hi Dixie,

Its a shame we can''t meet the people IRL we meet here on Pricescope. Despite this I hope you feel the love from the folks here. We all wish you the very best.

My only thought for you is this: It is not going to get any easier to make this break. But the sooner you do and the more complete is it the sooner you will heal.

That and: I am sorry you hurt right now.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 10/30/2007 1:14:34 PM
Author: janinegirly
Hi Dixie,

I''m glad you''re here. I think some of us aren''t that surprised that it came to this point, but still are so sorry for your pain. I don''t think it''s worth it to ananalyze things any more--you just need to move FORWARD as you pointed out. And good for you for coming to some realizations (that you need to stop being in denial and take action for your life and your sanity, not to mention your son''s).

I''m going to be a little tough here, but I think you need to hear it.


#1) You need to stop re-hasing what could have been and should have been. That was in the past and it will never be re-created. Yes it''s awful, but unfortunately a part of life, so please avoid torturing yourself with thoughts of what was supposed to be.


#2) In order to start any sort of healing (and building some self esteem and perspective) AND to achieve #1, you HAVE to move out and stop this undefined relationship! You are clinging onto something that temporarily makes you feel better but in the long run is doing more harm! OF COURSE you can break a lease, I''ve done it many times. You are not helpless here...contact the landlord, tell him the situation and ask what the options are. He may let you break it (depending on the rental market where you live) OR request you find someone to take it over. You can also ask the ex to leave and then you find a roommate! Please do one of these things, there are many options other than waiting till May.


You have to accept that this man does not want to get married and have some pride and say, fine, HIS loss. I know it''s by no means easy, but just try to simplify it and realize that hanging around and being in denial is truly thwarting any kind of healing. It''s not healthy for your mind or soul. Your ex will also respect you more for it, he seriously has not yet lost anything (since being in a stagnant situation benefits him)..and it''s because you keep being so accessible.


I hope this helps a little..I think once you''re out of the toxic living environment you will have better perspective. Also, you''re not alone, find strength in the women you hear about who went through long term relationship breakups and divorce and came out 100% better off--there are so many of these kinds of stories, even right here this board! The quicker you get out of this situation (which is all within your power right now), the quicker you''ll begin the awesome life that is waiting for you!!


Please keep us posted..

I usually dont quote long quotes but I am here because janine said everything I was going to say and I want you to re-read her post again dear. I''m so sorry you''re going through this, but it seems like it was inevitable based on what you were telling us. Gypsy, it''s SO much better to get out now, than go through with getting married and then having this happen. But I have to give a resounding "hell yeah" to all who''ve said you need to move out now! No waiting. No rationalizing. The guy you thought you knew isn''t coming back. There is no reason for you to be there. Please, get a new living situation immediately. And I also agree that you should be honest with the landlord about what''s happening. Talk to him/her directly and explain what''s going on and ask what YOUR options are. I dont really care if you stick him with a lease, but you have to take care of YOU now. I cannot imagine any landlord being so cold that they wouldn''t give you a break, given the situation. As others have said, once you get a new place (and I dont think you should stay there because it will only upset you all the time to think that would have been "your place") you can grieve and heal and get on with your life. It''s not over, it''s just the beginning. You get to find your "real" soul mate now...!

PS: I hope you will consider either going back to your counselor to work on YOU, or finding a new counselor you jell better with. It seems like you could probably use some objective, professional support right about now. At least that''s how I would feel. They can give you the tools to get throw this and move on into a new phase in your life.

 

[labbielove]

Dixie,
I am so glad that you checked in.
How to move on? That answer is different for everyone, even if we''ve been in the same situation.
The biggest thing I can say from reading your story is that, in my opinion, I do not see how you CAN move on when you are living with this person. For me, moving on means having a fresh start and opening yourself to new experiences, creating a home for yourself. Home is hard to feel when it''s a space shared with an ex-fiancee. Home should be a safe haven- where you can cry, scream, heal and have fun, have friends over, etc.

I understand all of the reasons that you can''t move out, but honestly I remember having female rommates, and tensions were thick when we weren''t getting along, much less if that person would have been an ex. Yuck.

I have no idea what your family situation is, or friends, and I know you have a son (am I remembering correctly?), so it might not be as easy as renting a room someplace and putting your things in storage. Short of physically removing yourself from the situation, I am sorry but I can''t offer any advice on how to move on from the relationship and allow yourself the space and time to heal. Is it May that you said the lease was up? I''m trying to brainstorm on ways to get out of that lease...

 

[Independent Gal]

Another vote for ''move out now''. In my experience, when you''re mad about someone in an unhealthy situation, it''s like an addiction. You need to quit and the only way to do that effectively is to cut off your supply.

I''m so sorry you''re going through all this! I can almost imagine how you feel (having been seriously heartbroken in the past) so I''m sending you all the e-comfort I can muster.

Take good care of yourself, pamper yourself, and take it one day at a time.

 

[akw94]

I wish I could say things felt easier this morning. This really is happening.

Movie Zombie, yes, my name is also on the lease so I''m legally obligated as well until it''s broken. We''re looking into breaking it, maybe having someone else take over if we can find another or he may be moving out of state for work and it could break that way. But that''s not guaranteed and might be in the next couple months.

Misysu2, thank you. I do know it''s better I know this now. The realistic side of me knows this but the emotional side wants to have gotten married so bad or to fix the things that are wrong and stay together. It''s like I''m fighting myself every minute of the day. My problem is that I don''t want to go out separately and do things. I suppose that sounds pathetic but we''ve spent the majority of our time together these last few years. That''s where I want to be.

Thanks BizouMom and DaniGirl.

Janine, I just wish I could stop looking back. It feels impossible and I get angry at myself but it was just months ago that things were good. I still don''t understand how it went so wrong. I know, that''s not the point and I''m trying not to re-hash. It''s just hard not to think of it.
I have attempted to contact the landlord so we''ll see what they say. I am forcing myself to do that even though it''s the last thing I want to do.

Littlelysser, I know I need to move but I just don''t want to. Honestly, I feel angry at myself for not being able to get through this easier b/c I know it''s what''s for the best but right now, no part of me wants this to end. I hope it does get better. It feels like this will be endless but I try to remember other times in my life and how things did somehow get better. Unfortunately, nothing has ever hurt in this way before.

Mela lu, it does feel like agony, you are right. I have to find the strength to remove myself from it. I really can''t afford to pay rent here and somewhere else at the same time so I do really need to wait until the lease is broken. Also, I do have a son and can''t just move and stay elsewhere for awhile. I need to attempt to keep his life as stable as possible and allow him to get to school and get home while I''m at work.

Off to work now.. At least that keeps my life somewhat stable. I have no choice but to re-group and stop crying when I am there.

Thank you everyone!

 

[janinegirly]

hi dixie, it sounds like you''re slowly starting to accept what needs to be done, and that is a big step so good for you.
i did not mean to imply you are in the wrong for looking back on what should have been--it''s only human and the whole experience was such a shock--but you have to TRY to avoid it and continuing to live with the ex will never allow for that. Again, I want to let you know that a lease break is VERY common, it''s not like you bought the house with the ex which would be totally different! (and even then people usually move out asap).
Let us know what your landlord says back..I"m sure he''ll return your message in the next few days. You have many, many options here (and staying in status quo until May should be the last choice), so it''s just a question of which one you choose.

Alternatively, if you let this drags on a few more months, you will be back here saying the same thing and having wasted that much more time of your life. In fact, your ex may be the one to move out first since he''s now had all this time to come up with HIS plan. And how much worse will that feel? From everything I''ve heard about your ex, (and i know it''s different on the outside), I almost wonder why you''re clinging onto the dashed dream of a life with him--he seems incredibly self serving, and that pattern tells me he''s letting you stick around (even though it is very detrimental to your mental and emotional health) because it makes it easier for HIM! How great does he have it...live in sometime girlfriend, meals, weekend plans, but no defined relationship so he can essentially opt out of all at any point! The situation is controlling you right now (and the results are not good), it''s time for you to take control NOW. Call up the landlord again today. Keep us posted and take care of yourself. If you take action now, in 6 mo''s things will look SOOO much better

, so work towards that goal!

 

[Mara]

Date: 10/31/2007 12:12:57 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Dixie,

I am not going to tell you I'm sorry, I'm actually quite happy for you because this means there is resolution and that provides an opportunity for you to move forward with your life. The best way to do so would be to cut the cord, find a way to move out, or have him do so, and start to redirect and build your new and exciting future. Put the 'what ifs' and 'woulda, coulda, shouldas' out of your mind, you are exactly where you are meant to be at this moment, and now you get to choose where you and your son are headed next. He needs you to be strong, healthy and happy so you can parent him in the best way you know how, it's up to you to do whatever it takes to get yourself to that place.

Take care of yourself,

~K

I agree wholeheartedly with Kimberly. Dixie while you know that I can sympathize with what has happened, I definitely believe in having enough strength to get yourself out of that bad situation. I don't care about the lease or the money or whatever or how much of a hassle it is, just get out of there!

Personally, I think that you probably just want to stay close to him in hopes he might change his mind, and yes of course this is devastating, you planned to share your life forever and things are so far from that .... it's hard to accept. But accept it you MUST. I think that if you really tried you could either get out of the lease or have him take it from you or get someone else for him to live with etc. And why isn't HE being more proactive about this? He should be telling you to leave for your own good, so that you can heal and move on. Help find you someone to replace the lease or saying he'll take a financial hit so you can leave him with it or whatever.

Seriously it would be foolhardy to stay in that house til May with you two broken up with no hope of getting back together and making things work. Do not waste any more of your precious time in that house with this man. End of story.

I am sorry that you are hurting and I know how hard it must be. But you have to just smack yourself across the face a few times, pick yourself up and start building your NEW LIFE without him. It might just be a better one. You won't know til you try.

 

[akw94]

Today has been a hard day and not even 1/2 over yet. I woke up and it just all hit me again. I definitely should not just sit at home at night b/c last night wasn''t so good either. On nights that I go work out, at least I have that time out where I feel a bit better. I have to try and remember that. I am trying to figure out how to get me back b/c I feel like the only thing left is this enveloping sadness that I can''t shake. Not a good feeling. I planned to call the landlord today but can''t stop crying when I talk about it so I asked him to call instead. That''s just a bit too hard right now.

Starset, thanks for sharing about your experience. I''m sorry you had to go through that. I really do try to focus on that it''s better to know now. There''s just that part of me that thinks if we were married, perhaps he would be committed to fixing it. He wouldn''t just be willing to walk away. But I know that''s not necessarily the case. He said that feelings change, that it happens, that he wanted to be married before (to his ex) and then that changed also. I just don''t think it''s nearly that simple. Plus, he wasn''t honest w/me about things and as much as I like to forget that, it''s real. If only it could help ease the pain somehow.
I am glad you are happier now. You sound so positive and it is good to hear.
You said "quite possibly happier being myself now than when I was wishing for something which caused me frequent pain." I appreciate this sentiment b/c that''s where I seem to be now. I am wishing for something that is causing me pain, so much pain and it''s not logical. I''m hoping that I will be able to be truly happy at some point, move on and move fwd at some point.
Definitely, my self esteem is not so good right now. I''ve tried to think that this hasn''t been about me and who I am but this last and final break up has really hit me. It has really been a huge blow. I''m looking fwd to feeling better. Thanks for everything you said.

Alexis, don''t worry, I don''t plan to get a roommate. Having my son, I never consider that. You''re right, it doesn''t work to be happy only on the outside. That''s what we''ve been living for these last few months and it''s been very difficult. Again, I know this, if only I could accept it to ease the pain. I guess just remembering it daily will make a difference.

Equestrienne, you sound as though you''ve had amazing strength while you were handling things. The hardest part for me is that it''s so easy to ignore these last few months and remember everything before. Or even just think about the time we''ve spent together while attempting to figure things out. It always feels good. We spoke on the phone yesterday before going home and for a moment, I felt happy talking to him. And then I remembered. And it broke my heart all over again.
I haven''t heard "Unwritten" but I''ll have to check it out. Finding songs these days that I can stand to hear is pretty tough.
Thank you for all your suggestions. I have to find a way to start doing what I know will make things better instead of just wishing and wanting for something that has gone.

Kerbear, accepting that he really means what he says Now vs what he said Before is so difficult. How at some point he was in this relationship for the long haul and suddenly, he''s not. I know I need stop trying to understand b/c I doubt I ever will.
As wrong as it is, it just feels like living apart will feel so much worse b/c as you said, it will be a final separation then. You''re right, I don''t want to face the pain, I want it to go away. I know it won''t though. I know I have to face it. I know that it won''t just get better at some point. Or at least that''s what I keep telling myself. I hope things are going well for you these days.

Bee and Steel, thank you.

Kimberly, it''s hard to imagine that this is where I''m meant to be right now but it certainly is where I am. There''s no denying that even though I sure wish it would just go away. Strong, healthy and happy... that is definitely what I am striving for right now. Thank you.

Thanks again everyone, will respond more later. I think I need to attempt to take my mind off this for a little while.

I really appreciate all the posts. They help and keep me on track.

 

[luckystar112]

Dixie, ooh boy I wish you really understood how much you are hurting yourself by staying there.
You see HIS dirty laundry in the hamper, HIS favorite drink in the refridgerator, HIS framed picture of his parents on the shelf. I''m generalizing here, but the point is that he is everywhere you look! I have been following this story and have been tempted to reply a number of times, but I know that I have to select my words carefully as to not offend. You being married to him would not force him to confront his problems, it would force YOU and HIM to be in an unhappy marriage! That''s it. Thank the lord above that you don''t have to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE wondering if you are good enough. I tend to believe that there is someone who would take you in. If I called my mother right now and said that me and Andy were over, she would be on the first plane down here. I think part of your sadness is due to not knowing where things went wrong, but they didn''t go "wrong"...he just doesn''t want to commit! And by the sounds of it, this has happened before. Please understand that these are HIS issues. You said that you''d feel better if you knew that you''ve done everything you could to make it work, and you HAVE...AND THEN SOME. Please, stop torturing YOURSELF. Like Starset said, it''s time to get angry. Get out of there--break off contact--and focus on making a better life for you and your son. This is no environment to be in with a child. Even if you aren''t outwardly fighting in front of him, he can still sense what it going on, and it is probably breaking his heart to see his mommy cry. If you can''t be strong for yourself, then be strong for him and PLEASE get out of there. No more excuses.

I hope you don''t think I''m being harsh. I know that we all genuinely care about you and your situation, and just want to make sure that you are doing what it takes to keep yourself sane at this time. But situations like this can give you a warped way of thinking that does nothing but hurt you more.

 

[TravelingGal]

I agree with Kimberly too. Time to WILL yourself to move on, one step at the time.

I do know how you feel to a very small degree. TGuy had cold feet 3 years ago about moving here. Just told me over the phone that it wasn''t going to happen. I''m such a cynic normally, but by that point I had finally dared myself to DREAM. That night, after hearing the news, I cried myself to sleep.

I went to a friend''s house the next morning and cried there too. But only for the morning. There was nothing I could do...he had made up his mind (or so I thought), so my friend and I talked about ways to pick up and move on. And I felt tremendously better knowing that my life was in my own hands, and I had the power to make of it what I will. I''m not saying that if I thought about it too much, I didn''t feel a huge punch in the gut, but I really willed my mind to move forward.

Somehow I think that made an impact on him, as he decided to move. Now, I am not saying this for you to be encouraged to try to use it to change his mind AT ALL. I''m saying that you (and your son) are the most important thing in your life right now. Take care of YOU. The rest of everything in your life will fall into place, even if that means things don''t land where you thought they would.

 

[decodelighted]

Dixie,

I''m not gonna dwell on where you are right now because we all know it''s very painful. I want to focus on the FUTURE. Just for a minute. A future where you''ll have a new guy who is equally if not more excited to marry you than you are him. A future that doesn''t have so much uncertainty & dashed hopes. A partner who KNOWS HIMSELF well enough to not mislead YOU. Someone SOLID - for both you and your son. As hard as it is to hear -- your ex-fiance is NOT THAT MAN. He doesn''t have it in him no matter how much you wish he did, or he pretended to be or you believe he could somehow change to be. He is human and he is not that man.

The hope for a better future is going to be powerful in helping you through the bad now. Seeing & hearing stories such as Starset''s & Equestrienne''s and others should show you that it is possible to move on & be HAPPY. And even happy in retrospect that your previous relationship ended. Once you realize the PROS of being on your own (w/o the worry & stress & powerlessness) & later still, when you find a new, healthier, mutual relationship.

My best friend is going through a divorce after 10 years together. She was destroyed at first. But within WEEKS she was remembering how actually okay it was to live alone. How much lighter she felt after all the darkness & trauma of being left had passed. How exciting it was to ponder getting another "go" at choosing a new partner -- with all the knowledge & experience she''d gained in the last decade.

Hope that helps some.

 

[marcy]

Dixie,

Sorry to hear you are hurting but something that struck me was you said you didn''t think he was the right for you anyway. I am a firm believer in listening to your gut feelings. You''ve had some terrific advice hear and I agree you should look to the future with great aniticipation and excitement. I know it''s hard to focus on yourself and your son and what makes you guys happy. I''d do whatever it takes to move out or get him to move out so you can begin to build your life. Good luck and take care.

 

[akw94]

Well, we talked a bit this morning but it certainly didn''t make me feel better. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I just feel like there has to be a way to make him see what I see. But there isn''t. He sees everything so differently and doesn''t want to even try.
We haven''t talked to the landlord yet but he said he would today.

Surfgirl, I need to keep reading the "no waiting, no rationalizing" again and again. B/c I keep waiting, keep hoping. As far as counseling for me, I''ve thought about it b/c I know this has hurt me very deeply and I''m not sure how I will really be able to be ok after this, ever truly move forward in the emotional sense. I know soon I will have to move fwd physically and I dread it so much. But I have a hard time w/counseling, w/opening up to a stranger and it would hurt. Not sure I want to put myself through any more pain.

Labbie, I''m sure you''re right about needing to move, as is everyone. You are all right w/what you have said. I like what you said about having a fresh start and opening myself up to new experiences. I guess once I can let go of what I thought I would have, that will be easier to accept. It''s just hard b/c never before did I have a relationship that I thought would last forever. I had relationships but they were pretty lousy and in the back of my mind, I knew they''d eventually end. It wasn''t like that w/this one. I really thought we could''ve lasted. I just wish he would''ve made the effort to talk to me, even if he felt that he couldn''t, that he would''ve realized we were worth finding a way to communicate. That is what I did, even when it was hard to open up, even when I was scared and felt so vulnerable, I let him in and had faith in him, as he asked me to do a long time ago.
I know, this isn''t what I should be thinking about. It just feels impossible to get it out of my system.

IG, it does feel like an addiction. That really stuck w/me. Everything in me wants us together, whether it''s good or bad and I know that''s not healthy. And not the person that I thought I was. I thought I was over being in the self-destructive relationships, that I wouldn''t allow anyone to treat me badly again.. and here I am, just asking for it. Thank you for your e-comfort, I appreciate it.

Janine, thanks for writing again. I go back and forth w/myself so often.. one minute I know that I need to get out now and start looking at apt.s and the next, I am so sad and feel like I can barely take another step. I am going to start making a list of available apt.s today, if I do nothing else. I need to at least take a step forward, as hard as it is. I don''t want to feel this same way a few months later. I know that I need to act in order to make that change. I wish it were easier.

Mara, you are right. I hate to admit it but it''s true. It''s so hard to think about leaving. What if I leave and there was a chance? You''re right, he''s not being proactive b/c it suits him better not to. He may be moving out of state in the next few months and has no desire to move before that. I''m trying not to let myself just wait for that to happen until I move. I do think he''ll make the call today to the landlord so that will start the process.

Luckystar, don''t worry, you haven''t offended me at all. I appreciate what you said. I just want to believe that marriage would have helped things but that doesn''t make it true. Yes, there are people who would take me in. That has never been the problem. It would just be a huge hassle given my job and my son and his school, etc... to leave the area. And it all goes back to the fact that it is so painful to think about moving. But I am going to. Yesterday, I said "when I move" vs "if I move" and it felt ok to say it, to know that it will happen. I am trying not to think of it as a possibility but as a reality.
You''re right, I do believe strongly that I did everything that I could, that I gave everything that I had.
So often during the day, I really feel like that cartoon where the angel is on one shoulder of the person and the devil is on the other. I can see and understand all the rational thoughts about my situation. But then I find myself right back in, still talking to him about it, still wishing and hoping and not doing anything to change the situation. But I am working on it.

TG, your words about having dared yourself to dream hit me b/c I feel that a lot about my situation. It too me time to open up to him, to tell him things, to want to have a child together when before I was so adamantly opposed. But I got there. He asked me to have faith in him. I did. It was so scary. And now here we are. He never gave me the same. He never talked to me, figured out his feelings, had faith in me or in us. It makes me wish I would''ve never opened myself up. I feel used.
I admire you for being able to move fwd so quickly when things fell apart for you. I want to smack myself (as Mara said) when it is so difficult for me now or when I find myself so sad.
I am really trying to take your advice and truly, the only reasons I''ve talked about moving are b/c I know it''s best. So I keep telling myself I have to stick w/that, can''t back down now or I''ll feel the same way.

Deco, the future... I haven''t thought much about that recently. It''s hard to. I will try to think about that a bit. It doesn''t feel possible but my mind knows it is, it''s just my heart that can''t imagine it. Thank you though for bringing that up b/c it does help.

Marcy, no, the person that''s in front of me can''t be right for me. I see that. It''s the person that I knew before that was. And he''s gone. I have to accept that. He really has left, no matter how hard I try to bring him back. And he chose to leave, he chose to close off, open up to someone else while he was away and not me and then throw away what he had. Now he''ll be moving out of state, the plan that we had to move together. It hurts.
I will try to take some step to move fwd today. I need to do at least that much for myself.

Thank you everyone.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/2/2007 11:25:16 AM
Author: dixie94
It too me time to open up to him, to tell him things, to want to have a child together when before I was so adamantly opposed. But I got there. He asked me to have faith in him. I did. It was so scary. And now here we are. He never gave me the same. He never talked to me, figured out his feelings, had faith in me or in us. It makes me wish I would''ve never opened myself up. I feel used.

Even though that may feel like a mistake NOW ... you *will* learn from it. You''ll learn that you can love fully & open up & get hurt & SURVIVE. That''s the big thing. Once you know you can survive the loss of love it gives you the courage to love more freely more often. You may demand MORE from someone in return before you open up all the way. But there''s never a guarantee that people won''t change, or tragedy won''t strike or our OWN feelings will change. Courage & support & resiliance ... those are the things that will keep you going for your son & for yourself. Please reach out for "real life" support too in your area (family, friends, church, counselor).

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, yes, what Deco said. I''m sure that some of us who have also been devastatingly heartbroken, who are now on the other side, can tell you that you will learn from this, you will take things of value from it, you''ll be stronger, richer and fuller inside, and you''ll get through it and find happiness.

It''s going to take TIME. It''s going to take a while, and the trick is to find comfort and distraction each day. One day at a time.
Distraction, comfort, be around people who care about you who can make you smile or entertain you, indulge yourself, EXERCISE! (this helps so much: it makes you feel physically powerful and releases endorphins and is a good way of ''expressing'' anger), learn to draw? take a dance class? Wake up each day saying ''I can get through THIS day.'' Then the next day ''I can get through THIS day''. And before you know it, it becomes easier and easier. After a few weeks, you''ll feel a tiny bit better, after a few months, you''ll feel quite a bit better, and after a while more, you''ll be yourself again, only better.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it doesn''t feel that way now, but I PROMISE you, you WILL feel better. You WILL recover.

Here''s another trick: try to think of heartbreak as a physical illness - something you have to cope with, but that doesn''t define you. Something you know will pass and then you''ll feel better and healthy again. That can make it easier to deal with too, if that feels right to you.