How long were you married before you had kids?

[Haven]

I know there have been threads on this topic before, but I'd like to hear what the current PSers have to say, so do share, please!

Oh, and if you'd like to share even more, I'd love to hear why you did or didn't wait, if you would do it differently if you could do it all over again, etc.

Thank you!

 

[somethingshiny]

DH and I TTC immediately. However, I didn''t carry until we had been married for almost 6 years. We got married young 19 and 21, but we were intent on starting our family. We wanted 4 or 5 kids and I wanted to be done having babies by the time I was 30. Well, 30 is only a year and a few months from now, and we''ve only got one child. I am happy with the way things worked out. As much as I wanted a child years ago, I wouldn''t have been able to stay home, I wouldn''t have had the patience I have now, and I wouldn''t have had the experiences I had.

So, I can see the want to have children ASAP, but I''ve experienced the blessing of having to wait. I don''t think there''s a wrong time. But, I do believe there''s God''s time.

 

[TravelingGal]

A year and half (married Oct 2006, had DD April 200. I was 35 years old.

I didn''t think we''d conceive. I had just gotten off the pill (to get it out of my system)and was a one shot wonder. I cried when I found out...out of shock and a little bit of horror.

We haven''t even been married two years yet, but I''m glad it happened. I don''t think I would have ever been really ready, so I guess that is why the decision was kind of made for me. I didn''t feel old before we conceived but now that I know what it can do to the bod, I am pretty happy it happened when it did.

 

[Kaleigh]

Once we were married we waited a year before trying to concieve. We wanted to have a year to ourselves to travel, etc... By PS standards I would have been a young parent, had DD at 26, and DS at 28 We are now 46 and 47. We still have so much time ahead to do what we want, and will still be young grandparents when the time comes. Not wishing that comes any time soon.

It''s what works for you, what your time line is.

 

[Haven]

Thanks for your replies, ladies.

We''ve only been married since the 4th, and the baby comments are flooding in like crazy. I don''t think we''ll wait very long (as in years) because DH is 38 and I''m 27, and I always wanted to be a younger parent, but I don''t want to get pregnant right away, either. My parents were 24 when they started and now they are loving being young and empty-nesters.

I''m just curious about what others did and why, so I really appreciate you taking the time to respond!

 

[Linda W]

I had my daughter when I was 23. I wanted to have my children while I was young. I also wanted to be a young grandparent. I know have two grand-boys, they are the love of my life and I CAN keep up with them.

 

[divergrrl]

I was married at 31, had my son at 34, and my daughter at 37. If I could have the 2 kids I have now, I''d have loved to have had them about 7 years earlier...but alas I had not met my dh yet.

Upside to being an "older" mom. Financial security, big house, lots of patience, my parents are retired & helpful, but sometimes I wish I had gotten started younger. Its ok though. I wound up with a great husband & 2 friggin'' amazing kids, so really, it all worked out perfect. I''m just a little sleepy is all. And that last 15lbs of baby weight is hard to budge at 37....but..that''s not a real problem, just a vanity one.

 

[Independent Gal]

I got pregnant 2 months after we got married. We knew that the average time to conceive at my age is 8 months, and I''m over 30. We were hoping for two kids, and ideally before I was 35 so squeezing them in meant starting right away. Well, surprise surprise, I got pregnant on the first go, and we''re having two at once! So we may even consider having a third, depending how things go, since we have time now.

We both feel that we''ve packed as much living into our lives as we possibly could. We''ve had crazy adventures like following the Nile for three months all the way from Khartoum to Egypt and wandering alone across half the world. And we''ve achieved a lot personally and professionally. So we both knew we were ready for kids ASAP and that we wanted our marriage to include kiddies as soon as possible! So we were both totally comfy with starting early.

As it turns out, since my mom''s fighting stage 4 cancer now, it''s a good thing we started early as it increases the chances she''ll get to enjoy her grandkids for at least a few months, and hopefully for years.

 

[icekid]

I like this thread topic, Haven! Looking forward to all of the responses. I''m 27 (hubby is 2 now, we''ve been married for a year now... and I''m juuust starting to think that a baby sounds kind of good. I''d really prefer to be a "younger" mom if possible, though my career is at odds with that um, now and forever. I believe there are some women who have had children during their residency at the super academic program where I will do most of my training, so at least it is not an absolute no. But it will probably mean taking time off, which I am reluctant to do. Plus we will have no family anywhere nearby to help, which will be difficult working 80 hour weeks. I think ideally, work not being a consideration, about 1.5 to 2 years from now would be perfect for us. So who knows, maybe we’ll be able to make it happen.

Indy- Thinking of you and your mom, and here''s to hoping that she has plenty of years coming with her grandbabies!!

 

[Gemma12]

Interesting topic!

We were married for over 5 years, together for 8 before we started trying for a family. I got a lot of ''oh, are you infertile?'' comments

because we waited a ''long'' time. We started dating when we were both very early twenties so we were in no way ready for kids. I wanted to finish my training and feel comfortable in my career. We had a chance to do some travelling and get some financial stability (although not as much as if we had waited five more years) before becoming pregnant. It was great timing for us in many ways but no timing is ''ideal''.

Icekid I sympathise with you! Fortunately my academic commitments trailed off during my first trimester allowing me to indulge my ''all day'' sickness and are ramping up again-hopefully I will have most things under control before bubs arrives. 80 hour weeks are not going to work for me personally-I think no matter what it''s hard.

Good luck Icekid and Haven with your decision!

 

[everlong_x]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:10:45 AM
Author: Haven
We''ve only been married since the 4th, and the baby comments are flooding in like crazy.

I know how you feel completely. I believe I was asked this questions at LEAST 5 times at our wedding reception! My answer to everyone of them was, "Not any time soon." I didn''t feel like I had to justify why we were waiting to these people (some of which I had just met).

Our "plan" is to wait about 5 years so we can finish with college and are able to have a house and support our children. I told DH that I''d like to have the option of staying home with the kids, and there''s no way that could happen now.

 

[vizsla]

great topic... i''ve lurked/read a lot of the ''how do you know when you are ready'' threads here and i get more and more confused every time i read another story...

the overwhelming consensus is ''wait until you are ready'' but at the same time i read ... ''we couldn''t have been happier to have it happen when it did''.. which doesn''t necessarily sync up. if you wait until you are out of your ''selfish'' stage, will you ever really have kids?

most people seem to say that kids are what bring you out of ''selfishness'' ....

i''m always looking for that one person''s story who most mimics my situation .... so i can say ''well it went ok for them'' so maybe we''re ready.

i think the older you are, and the more you know, and the more stories (both good and bad) you''ve heard, the harder it becomes to take the plunge to have kids...

my dh and i are sooooooo on the fence about children it''s unbelievable. i thhiiiiiinnkkk we''re financially stable... but then again, we couldn''t just pick up and go on a vacation or just buy a new dining room set if we wanted to without planning for it first, so does that mean we''re not? i don''t know?... and i''m the one who carries the insurance, that means there is no if ands or buts about it.. i''m going back to work after our pretend baby is born... will i be resentful? i don''t know?... we''re ''of age'' i''m 31 he''s 33 .... does that mean we''re ready?

so, when in doubt, wait... but then there''s no perfect time to have kids? it''s all so confusing....

 

[Lynn B]

Interesting thread. Here''s our story...

Got married reeeeaally young (right out of high school!

) but I was (even at that tender age

) a very responsible girl, so I went to the gyne to get on the pill. Dear doctor took a full history and said, "Based on your medical history [erratic periods always] I don''t recommend the pill. I think you will have a hard time conceiving, and when you do decide to have a child, I would expect it to take you at least 5 years of trying, if you ever get pregnant at all."

Well, that kinda scared DH and me (''cause we did want kids eventually), so we had one of our first *really important married people* talks

and decided that "...in five years we''d be 23 and that''s a nice age to have a baby", so we may as well not bother using any birth control now....

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, nine months and two days later, DS was born. All 9.5 pounds of him!!! Um, THANKS, DOC!!!

 

[Clio]

Our oldest was born 10 days before our 2nd anniversary and about a month before my 24th birthday.

We both knew that we wanted to have kids on the young side - we wanted 3, and I wanted to be done by 30 (and I did - I was 29.5 when #3 was born). Plus, I was in graduate school, which offered some flexibility that working did not.

So, we decided that since there wasn''t really a "best" time to have kids, we might as well do it when we wanted to. Our kids are now 11, 9, and 5, and I wouldn''t have done it any other way.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''ll be 31 next week, DH turned 40 last month, our two year anniversary is in two weeks and we''re just starting to talk children in concrete terms; we have a timeframe in mind, but it''s flexible and dependent on a few factors. We know we want one, perhaps two depending on how it goes with the first. Being young parents isn''t as important to us as being prepared (everyone has their own definition of what that means) and excited about being parents.

 

[indypitty]

I''m glad you started this thread, Haven! This topic has been on my mind a lot lately as well.

We were just married June 27. I am 32 and DH is almost 31. I had always thought I''d want to be married at least 5 years before having kids, but I had not counted on being married a little later in life. For some reason I always thought I''d be married by 25!

I do not feel ready to have a baby right now. I do not want to have a baby right now. But I am really scared to wait too long because of my age. I know it gets harder as you get older, but I am already soooo tired of people telling me we need to hurry. Of course, they''re the same people who were always bugging us to get married (we dated for 4 years before getting engaged).

So, hopefully in the next year I''ll begin to feel ready and we can start trying. For me, the worry is mostly financial. DH and I both have good jobs, but we will really need to change our spending habits when a baby comes. That''s scary to me, because we have both been able to be selfish with our money for so long!

 

[janinegirly]

we married the end of september 2007 and our baby is due the end of september 2008, almost to the day of our 1st anniversary. Like Traveling Gal, I didn''t expect to get preggers on the first shot, so happened a bit sooner than might be ideal, but you can''t time these thing--and I''d prefer that then waiting years and years and at the time, I didn''t know which way it would go.

Also (and probably most importantly), I was 35 when I married (36 now), DH is in early 40''s and we had dated for 4yrs before marriage. So it was time. We both took our time to settle down (well more him than me, that''s why I was an LIW), but now we are on the fast track!

I think if you''re ready, have some savings, have dated awhile and are not super young, then it''s time. Not because tons of people are dropping comments. It can be overwhelming, but keeps life interesting and sometimes the best things in life aren''t planned.

 

[curlygirl]

I got married in February, 2006 and was pregnant by August, 2006 on our first month of trying. So got pregnant 6 months into the marriage at age 35 and gave birth at 36. Surprisingly, 8 months after the birth of my first child, I found myself pregnant again at age 37. By the time this baby is born, we will have been married for 2 years and 7 months and I will have been pregnant for 18 months of it! But we are not getting younger and our family will be complete after this child. Like some of the other women have mentioned, I kind of wish I had done all of this about 7 years earlier but I was waiting for the right guy and it''s all worth it! We''re at a good place in our lives now and can probably handle things better at this age. Good luck!!

 

[robbie3982]

We''ll have been married just over a year when we start trying. I''m 25 and DH just turned 26. We want 2 and I want to be done with pregnancy by the time I turn 30. If we conceive on our first try, I''ll be 26 and DH will be 27 and that will give us some flexibility with when we have our 2nd.

I''ve thought a lot about waiting until we have more in savings and DH makes enough for me to be a SAHM, but the more I think about it, the more I worry that I''ll never feel like we have enough saved (we have a decent sized e-fund, but I''d like to have more) and it''s possible that DH will never make enough for me to stay home. I don''t want to wake up one day in my late thirties and realize that I waited all that time and we STILL can''t afford to have me stay home. He''s looking for a job that would allow this, but we''re not going to wait for it to happen before we start trying.

One big reason I want to get an early start is that I worry we''ll have trouble conceiving. My mom had a lot of miscarriages in between having me and my sister (we''re 8 years apart) and I worry that maybe it''s something hereditary. My sister was born mentally and physically disabled when my mom had her at 42, so I also worry about the problems associated with having children later in life.

DH and I have also discussed the possibility of having a 3rd when we''re a bit older should our circumstances change and I''d be able to stay home if I hadn''t been able to with the first 2.

 

[sbde]

we started TTC 1.5 yrs into the marriage, mainly because we wanted some alone time before kids came along. got preggo 4 mos into the TTC cycle - I'll be 31 when little jelly is born, and we'll have been married for 2.5 yrs.

my mom of course thought we were nuts for even waiting 1.5 yrs haha

 

[Haven]

Congrats to all of you pregnant PSers! That''s so wonderful.

I have another question for everyone--did any of you consider how old your friends''/siblings'' children are when you decided to have kids? This sounds silly as I write it out, but I am five years older than my next sister, considerably older than my cousins, and at least six years older than any of my parents'' friends kids, so growing up I was always the only kid around. I hated it at times because I saw how close my younger siblings are with all the other kids, and I was just always their babysitter. I know it might sound crazy, but I always wanted to get pregnant with at least my closest friends and my sisters. (Now that I married an older man, though, I know I''m not going to wait for my sissies because they have a long time before they''ll be having babies.)

Anyway, I really love hearing your stories, thank you. I don''t really have that "planner" personality where I like to map things out before they happen, but lately I''ve been thinking a lot about children and when would be the best time to get pregnant. Of course, I''m pretty sure the best time will end up being whenever it happens.

We''re financially stable, we own our house, we dated for four years before we married, and both of our careers are pretty settled. If I wanted to I could quit my job and be a SAHM, or go to part-time or something like that.

As for the "when are you really financially ready?" question, I always feel like making a big (expensive) life change is incredibly scary, but once you jump in and do it you figure it out. I could not fathom having a single family home and putting down 20% on our house, but we did it, and it wasn''t all that hard. We just changed the way we spent and saved, and now I''m sitting in our beautiful home writing to you all! I know kids are ridiculously expensive, and they cost more over time, but I think we could hack it. My parents had nothing when they had me, and while it was tough for a while when I was younger they pulled it together over time and now they''re very comfortable.

I realize I''m just rambling now, so thank you for listening. This is a huge decision, and "talking" it out is really helping me sort my ideas. Thank you!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Haven, what an exciting time for you!

I'm 27, D is 28 and while people are starting to ask about the kids thing since we've been married for nearly a year, we are not there yet. D is in the midst of figuring out what he wants to do with his life, I would love to move to another city for a year or two and I just feel that while we have been together for nearly 9 years, we still have a lot to experience as a couple before we take that plunge. You asked if siblings played any role in the children decision and I would say that for me, it played the biggest role. I have 3 older sisters and all of them had kids by the time they were 22. And they all admit that while they thought they were ready for kids, they weren't. One of my sisters had her last when she was 28 and she said it wasn't until then that she felt she was ready. Another sister is trying for her second right now and she's 33...she says that the stability (financial and otherwise) that she has now is much more conducive to having children than when she had her first a decade prior. Obviously they all love their kids and wouldn't do anything diferently, but it was tough on all of them.

After watching them all have kids at such a young age, I knew that having kids before I was 28 or so would not be an option for me. And now that 28 is around the corner, I keep pushing the timeline back!

 

[vespergirl]

Oops, only 6 months! My husband and I were together for several years, and living together for over a year before we had the baby, though. I know that some people say that babies make the relationship harder, but I think that having a child made our relationship even closer and stronger. Our son has really bonded us even more than we were before, in our shared love and excitement for him.

 

[NYCsparkle]

me and dh got pregnant on our honeymoon

. the gyn said it would prob take 6-9 months to conceive.....

. we married in oct. and on thanksgiving we had a + pregnancy test. we are going to be married 3 years this oct. and we are going to start trying...well we are just letting things happen for # 2.

we are 31 and 33 and have been together 10 years.

my plan was to wait 2 years, but there really is no right time to have a baby...they come when they are supposed to.

 

[vizsla]

haven! i feel ya girl...
at least for me it''s so hard to *not* think about when is the *right time*, how many years apart siblings should/can be ... and, i think, it''s mainly because i can right now because i don''t have children...

together my dh and i made the decision that i would go off bc because we didn''t want to have to actually *make* the decision that this or that cycle is when we would start trying... because that seems a little scary.... but as it is we are on cycle 6 and are no closer to being ready ... so much so that i think maybe i should go back on bc so as not to chance it.

i think some of the things that concern me... (and sorry to threadjack here, but i think about this alllll the time).... is that i know we could afford a child... we own our own house in an excellent school system, we make decent money, have good jobs, insurance, cars, traveled a lot, been together 6 years, living together 5 (married almost 1) etc... but it''s not like we''re rolling in it... (and it makes it a little harder when friends are, ya know?)

but then there is the whole childcare issue... i have to go back to work.. do i really want to put a 12 week old in childcare? why have a baby if i can''t raise it? or will dh stay home? will i resent him if he does? ughh.... sorry for the rambling... i''m just thinking out loud... so any thoughts would be welcomed

 

[snlee]

We'll be married a little over 2 years (together for over 8 years) when our first child is born. We waited a little over a year after we were married before trying to conceive. We wanted to have a year to ourselves to travel and enjoy being newlyweds. We both wanted to be young parents and had a serious case of baby fever so it was hard waiting but I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:25:26 PM
Author: vizsla
haven! i feel ya girl...
at least for me it''s so hard to *not* think about when is the *right time*, how many years apart siblings should/can be ... and, i think, it''s mainly because i can right now because i don''t have children...

together my dh and i made the decision that i would go off bc because we didn''t want to have to actually *make* the decision that this or that cycle is when we would start trying... because that seems a little scary.... but as it is we are on cycle 6 and are no closer to being ready ... so much so that i think maybe i should go back on bc so as not to chance it.

i think some of the things that concern me... (and sorry to threadjack here, but i think about this alllll the time).... is that i know we could afford a child... we own our own house in an excellent school system, we make decent money, have good jobs, insurance, cars, traveled a lot, been together 6 years, living together 5 (married almost 1) etc... but it''s not like we''re rolling in it... (and it makes it a little harder when friends are, ya know?)

but then there is the whole childcare issue... i have to go back to work.. do i really want to put a 12 week old in childcare? why have a baby if i can''t raise it? or will dh stay home? will i resent him if he does? ughh.... sorry for the rambling... i''m just thinking out loud... so any thoughts would be welcomed

Vizsla, that thought has crossed my mind too. What helped me to decide that I''d like to try sooner rather than later is that when I thought about it, I realized that if it came down to having a baby while working or never having a baby, I''d rather have a baby while working. I''ve always dreamed about having kids, and part of that dream was being able to stay home with them like my mom did with my sister and I. It''s been really hard for me to accept that that lifestyle may never be a reality for DH and I, but times are different than they were back then.

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:13:06 PM
Author: Haven


I have another question for everyone--did any of you consider how old your friends''/siblings'' children are when you decided to have kids?

DH and I did consider this. We were young, as I''ve said, and we were the first ones to get married out of any of our friends. We had intended on having several by now and the oldest would have been 7 (my first miscarriage). Only one of our "then friends" have children. We have lost a lot of communication with that group of friends simply because our interests have changed. Most of our friends (now) are older than us by several years, because we have more in common with them. My siblings had no intentions of marriage or children during all the years that I tried to carry. But, my younger sis (by 6 yrs) ended up getting married and pregnant soon after our son was born, and my older brother and his new wife have an infant now, too. So, in our family, we kinda started the Domino effect.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We got married 8/06 (I was 26, he was 2. We started TTC and conceived 5 months later in 1/07. Baby was born 11/07 (27, 29). Baby 2 will be far, far into the future. I am enjoying getting to know the baby I already have before we add another one into the mix. I do hope to be done having kids by 35 (which I can't imagine would be an impossible goal).

ETA: funny how everyone seems to think they will have trouble getting preggo (I thought I would too). Luckily most people don't.

 

[snlee]

did any of you consider how old your friends'/siblings' children are when you decided to have kids?

In an ideal world, yes, I would love for my kids to be around the same age as their cousins and our friends' kids. That would be great! However, we didn't really take that into consideration. We thought about it but the reality is, you never know when they will have kids, so we didn't wait. When the time felt right to us, we did it.