How long were you married before you had kids?

[vizsla]

i would say that my friends having children around the same time as my dh and i having/if we have children is a big thing for us... my dh is still friends with the kids he grew up with (and now so am i and i would love it if we all had children together.. safety in numbers...
at least that way i won't feel like i'm totally annexed from things just because we have children and our friends do not.

it sounds weird and probably selfish , but social interaction is huge for us! we've seen a couple of our friends totally break off after kids - we've vowed not to do that.. we still want to maintain 'us' .. just 'us with kids' .. maybe that would help lessen my child care fear issue .. if we have a pool of friends that have kids then we can all share each others child care.. i.e. i'll watch your kids while you run errands/go out to dinner and vice versa...

robbie - i do totally agree that times are different, and as it stands i'm the 'breadwinner' so there is no choice for me but to go back to work... and if need be my dh could totally stay home and be a sahd.. which would stretch us, but we could probably swing it.... but i just wonder if that is going to be ok with me... i wish i could say it wouldn't bother me.... i want to think i'm super cool and hip.. but ya never know....

oh who knows.... i'm not getting any younger... even if i were to get pg today i'd still be 32 before i had the bean.. then wait 1.5 years before the next... to be done by 35... but being 53 when they graduate from h.s. seems sooooo old...

ugh!

sometimes i wish for a happy mistake so i don't have to think about it anymore

 

[D2B]

5 years. No rush, until the biological clock started to tick

 

[dani13]

Date: 7/22/2008 3:04:34 PM
Author: vizsla
i would say that my friends having children around the same time as my dh and i having/if we have children is a big thing for us... my dh is still friends with the kids he grew up with (and now so am i and i would love it if we all had children together.. safety in numbers...

at least that way i won't feel like i'm totally annexed from things just because we have children and our friends do not.


it sounds weird and probably selfish , but social interaction is huge for us! we've seen a couple of our friends totally break off after kids - we've vowed not to do that.. we still want to maintain 'us' .. just 'us with kids' .. maybe that would help lessen my child care fear issue .. if we have a pool of friends that have kids then we can all share each others child care.. i.e. i'll watch your kids while you run errands/go out to dinner and vice versa...


robbie - i do totally agree that times are different, and as it stands i'm the 'breadwinner' so there is no choice for me but to go back to work... and if need be my dh could totally stay home and be a sahd.. which would stretch us, but we could probably swing it.... but i just wonder if that is going to be ok with me... i wish i could say it wouldn't bother me.... i want to think i'm super cool and hip.. but ya never know....


oh who knows.... i'm not getting any younger... even if i were to get pg today i'd still be 32 before i had the bean.. then wait 1.5 years before the next... to be done by 35... but being 53 when they graduate from h.s. seems sooooo old...


ugh!


sometimes i wish for a happy mistake so i don't have to think about it anymore

Vizsla-

I feel EXACTLY the same way you do. I have always loved children, but I am really not sure when DH and I will be having any of our own b/c of the same issues you bought up with working/$$$, etc. I will be 30 in September and MH is 33, but I really feel like I want to wait *at least* one yr before we even attempt to TTC. I know there is never a perfect time, but we would like to have more in our e-fund, get into a house (we currently have a great condo, but its perfect for just the 2 of us- not sure how I would do with a kid here). The whole idea of having children is just so overwhelming to me....I dont feel old enough to be a mom-LOL!!! Still feels like MH and I have more to do as a couple before we take that route too. I'm hoping that I will get over my fear and take the plunge soon enough, but I know its not happenning anytime soon!!!

 

[vizsla]

the funny thing is that i''ve never been the ''i can''t wait to have children'' girl... i''ve always been indifferent... if it happens it happens, and if not... well then it doesn''t.. dh and i have already agreed no medical intervention if we can''t conceive.

and i don''t feel old enough to be a mom either which maybe helps a little considering that i''m already ''older'' to begin with.

i feel like dh and i have to decide in the next year or so if this is something we want... i can say, with some amount of certainty, that i do not want to have children after 35. i think if we wait, we are letting our ''kids ship'' sail. so i''m feeling the pressure (from myself) to sh*t or get off the pot.... LOL

and the $$ situation does concern me... my dh is self employed, so it makes sense that we use my insurance.... that''s not to say we couldn''t get our own insurance if i wanted to stay home it would just be such a huge expense.. maternity coverage is $$$$$! so, yeah, if we were to have kids i would go back to work to ensure we (including the new member) would be fully covered...

see... the older we are, the more we know about insurance, retirement, e-funds, taxes and that stuff... then add on all of the horror stories you hear/read about illness, autism, childhood cancer...ugh! i don''t know how i could potentially be setting myself up for that type of heartbreak... maybe there is a reason you have kids when you''re young... the less you know sometimes, the easier it is.....

 

[Tacori E-ring]

vizsla,
we pay for our own health insurance and yes, the maternity rider is pricey. Only you and your DH can make the decision to have children but PLEASE don''t let fear influence your decision. I was reading a horribly sad book and got all depress thinking about if I die young than my daughter will never know me. Or worse if she died how would I overcome such a loss. But I realized that this is what life is about. No guarantees for health or happiness (with or without children). I love her more than I thought my heart could handle. I can safely say she is the BEST thing I have ever done in my life. The worry is worth it. That is all I can promise you.

 

[icekid]

It''s so funny ladies... but I don''t feel old enough either! And I was thinking back to my previous post; in my head, 2-3 years makes sense logistically. Then I really think about the 2-3 years and that sounds SO SOON... like wow, I am not old enough to have a baby in a couple years. Yet there are tonnnnns of people out there who are far younger than I am with lots of babes. It strikes me as bizarre, because in my head babies is still so far away.

The money issue is something that will always be there, but staying home will never be an option for me anyway. There has been far too much time, money, and effort invested in my education. Plus, it''s unlikely that my hubby will make as much money as I will when I finish residency. And he is quite resistant to being the one to stay at home... maybe because I tease him about it

 

[dani13]

Date: 7/22/2008 5:06:51 PM
Author: icekid
It's so funny ladies... but I don't feel old enough either! And I was thinking back to my previous post; in my head, 2-3 years makes sense logistically. Then I really think about the 2-3 years and that sounds SO SOON... like wow, I am not old enough to have a baby in a couple years. Yet there are tonnnnns of people out there who are far younger than I am with lots of babes. It strikes me as bizarre, because in my head babies is still so far away.


The money issue is something that will always be there, but staying home will never be an option for me anyway. There has been far too much time, money, and effort invested in my education. Plus, it's unlikely that my hubby will make as much money as I will when I finish residency. And he is quite resistant to being the one to stay at home... maybe because I tease him about it

I know Icekid! I agree with your totally!!! I am a labor and delivery nurse, so all I do all day is take care of people having babies.....So I have seen alot of people having kids that probably shouldnt....And I dont mean that in a judgmental way...Just sometimes you see very bad situations , and you just KNOW bringing a baby into that world is not a good thing....very sad.

 

[dani13]

Date: 7/22/2008 4:06:26 PM
Author: vizsla
the funny thing is that i've never been the 'i can't wait to have children' girl... i've always been indifferent... if it happens it happens, and if not... well then it doesn't.. dh and i have already agreed no medical intervention if we can't conceive.


and i don't feel old enough to be a mom either which maybe helps a little considering that i'm already 'older' to begin with.


i feel like dh and i have to decide in the next year or so if this is something we want... i can say, with some amount of certainty, that i do not want to have children after 35. i think if we wait, we are letting our 'kids ship' sail. so i'm feeling the pressure (from myself) to sh*t or get off the pot.... LOL


and the $$ situation does concern me... my dh is self employed, so it makes sense that we use my insurance.... that's not to say we couldn't get our own insurance if i wanted to stay home it would just be such a huge expense.. maternity coverage is $$$$$! so, yeah, if we were to have kids i would go back to work to ensure we (including the new member) would be fully covered...


see... the older we are, the more we know about insurance, retirement, e-funds, taxes and that stuff... then add on all of the horror stories you hear/read about illness, autism, childhood cancer...ugh! i don't know how i could potentially be setting myself up for that type of heartbreak... maybe there is a reason you have kids when you're young... the less you know sometimes, the easier it is.....

Viszla-

The $$ situation completely concerns me too...I feel like times have really changed, and unless one person is making well into the six figures (especially in the area we live in- metro NYC) then its almost impossible to have one person stay home completely with a baby. You just need the joint incomes...especially if you want to do all the things you are used to doing, like taking the vacations, saving $$$, college funds,etc. Also, its totally true that the older you are the more you think about things and how having a child will affect your life in every aspect. Its very scary. Once you have children, its never about you anymore, its all about them!!!

 

[vizsla]

thanks tacori - it is reassuring to know that everyone has those fears, but i can work myself up so much about things that haven''t even happened. and k did carry his own insurance before we were married and the coverage was so awful... i can''t imagine going to that coverage. mine really is top notch thru work.

and i know i''m a little overboard with the fear of ''what ifs''. k tells me all the time to stop watching so many dateline or csi episodes. i guess i should stop reading cnn too or watching the news... there is just so many negative stories out there.

speaking of fears how fearful were those of you who had children that they would inherit a not so nice genetic illness/disorder that runs in your family? this is a huge roadblock. my husband has a genetic disease that we wouldn''t willingly pass on to our worse enemy.. so to think that''s a possibility to pass along to child... i know, i''ve got more hang ups than a closet.

 

[dani13]

Date: 7/22/2008 5:26:48 PM
Author: vizsla
thanks tacori - it is reassuring to know that everyone has those fears, but i can work myself up so much about things that haven't even happened. and k did carry his own insurance before we were married and the coverage was so awful... i can't imagine going to that coverage. mine really is top notch thru work.


and i know i'm a little overboard with the fear of 'what ifs'. k tells me all the time to stop watching so many dateline or csi episodes. i guess i should stop reading cnn too or watching the news... there is just so many negative stories out there.


speaking of fears how fearful were those of you who had children that they would inherit a not so nice genetic illness/disorder that runs in your family? this is a huge roadblock. my husband has a genetic disease that we wouldn't willingly pass on to our worse enemy.. so to think that's a possibility to pass along to child... i know, i've got more hang ups than a closet.

I think about this all the time too!! I am a nurse (labor and delivery), so I have seen MANY horrible situations with sick babies, etc. All I can say is ignorance is truly bliss.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

vizsla, not going to lie, those fears NEVER go away. I started to worry as soon as I got my BFP. I just wanted to make sure you were talking yourself out of something you really want b/c you are afraid. As for money, there is never enough. But luckily kids don''t need all of the latest and greatest. All they need is love...yuck so corny but true.

Can you have genetic testing done? I know a couple who aborted the baby b/c of severe problems. Not an easy situation. But now they have three healthy children.

 

[Haven]

Tacori, I just wanted to say that your baby is beautiful. And I really don''t think I could resist squeezing those cheeks 24/7.

 

[Haven]

Vizsla--53 is NOT old! My parents are 52 and they are SO YOUNG. So. Young. Really, it may sound old, but it''s not. Even if hubby and I get pregnant TODAY he would be 57 when the baby graduates from high school, so I just keep telling him he has to stay fit and healthy so he will be young for a long time.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 7/22/2008 6:31:48 PM
Author: Haven
Tacori, I just wanted to say that your baby is beautiful. And I really don''t think I could resist squeezing those cheeks 24/7.

Oh thank you! That is so sweet. She is teething so it has been a stressful week!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

My hubby and I have been married for 3 years and we just had our first baby on July 2. I was on the fence for a long time before I decided to get pregnant. I had a lot of fears - mostly $$ related, but in the end there will never be enough and people have gotten by on much less than what we have. I got pregnant right away - the first month we officially tried. I am 26 (25 when I got pg) and my hubby was 29 when I got pg and is 30 now. James is the best and is such a blessing for us. I am still amazed at the life we have created.

Jess

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

8 years. I was 33. Maintaining a pregancy was more challenging than I suspected.

cheers--Sharon

 

[anchor31]

FI and I will be married (next week - eeep!) fairly young at 23/26. FI always said he''d like to have his first before 30... I''m in no rush, and I would prefer being married about 3 years before TTC, to give us time to enjoy our youth and just being married for a while. At the very least I want to have a stable job and a house first. We''ll see, I guess. 3 years would put us at 26/29, so if we have no problem conceiving FI could even have his wish!

 

[vizsla]

thanks tacori! and so sorry to thread-jack haven.... my can-o-worry-worms is open

while i can err on the neurotic side, i also would consider myself very level headed.. an uber-planner if you will. so, with that said, it''s reassuring to know that my fears are not unlike anyone else''s who is thinking about having children.

and i do understand that there is a slim chance of ''not-yet-conceived'' baby having the whack-o gene that runs on both sides of our family (and really, who doesn''t have a crazy uncle? but there is also the real possibility of tyke inheriting hubby''s auto-immune related illness.. and while it''s manageable with medication, it certainly doesn''t lend itself to a carefree lifestyle.

and as $$ is also a real concern - i know we could provide for a child in their basic *needs* - but what about how we would *like* to provide for them?... to me, that''s totally different. yes we do well for ourselves ... but *ourselves* being the key word... throw another person into the family - who knows.. it''s not like we''re rolling around in disposable income...

does that mean we can''t provide? probably not... but does that mean that i''m going to have to be OK with not shopping at whole foods, or not buying a pair of jeans i really want or not going out to dinner? i don''t know... those are things i really really *like* to do.... i really like ordering a good bottle of wine when we''re out... but if it comes down to wine or something for the tyke (or not going out to dinner at all), i don''t know how OK am i going to be with giving up *my* things... yes, it sounds selfish.. but it also seems so *heavy* ya know?

ok, now the ball is rolling.. hold onto your hats...do i include my fear about immunizations, what the world is going to be like as they are growing up? will i even like being a mom? will dh talk about anything other than when baby x poops? will we be able to pay for college? will they even go to college? will we be young enough to run around with grandkids if we don''t start right now?

hopefully i''m not alone in these fears... but there really is no going back... and is that the scariest thing?

 

[msb700]

we were married almost 2 years before we started TTC...we got lucky on the 4th try and now my son is 1 year, 2 months old....we are actually now starting to think about when we should start #2...thinking when DS is 2 years old is a good time.

I had my son when i was 28 sometimes i regret not having babies sooner (coz i dont want the difference to be too big), but im happy with the way things turned out..im more mature, financially stable with a good career...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Well DH and I do talk about poop a lot.

 

[diamondfan]

I got married in August of 1990. I wanted to get married by 25 and have my two kids by 30. Arbitrary to some extent, but I did it.

I was 24 turning 25 that December.

He had turned 27 in April.

I wanted kids badly, I was in graduate school, but worried we might have issues.

April 1st of 1992 (less than two years after wedding) my son was conceived, after I joked to hubby that it might take a while so we had to get going now.

He was born November 1992, 6 weeks preemie. He was due December 25th.

I then had my second in July of 1995, 5 months before my 30th.

Decided I wanted a third, hubby and I went back and forth, and my third was born November 2001. My oldest is 9 years older, and my middle son is 6 1/2 years older. I turned 36 one month later. I am DONE, but I am thrilled with the way it all spaced out and occurred. I did not have any issues getting pregnant the first two times, but the third took 3 or 4 months. I was worried as it had taken 1 month when I was in my 20''s. I saw a good friend who is a fertility doctor and I did have some issues, which were resolved.

 

[miraclesrule]

I did it backwards. I had my baby first!!

I was 19 when she was born. And almost 20 years later....she is getting married. So with any luck at all I will be a gramma for my 50th birthday!!

 

[Bia]

Date: 7/22/2008 6:52:32 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I got pregnant 2 months after we got married. We knew that the average time to conceive at my age is 8 months, and I'm over 30. We were hoping for two kids, and ideally before I was 35 so squeezing them in meant starting right away. Well, surprise surprise, I got pregnant on the first go, and we're having two at once! So we may even consider having a third, depending how things go, since we have time now.

We both feel that we've packed as much living into our lives as we possibly could. We've had crazy adventures like following the Nile for three months all the way from Khartoum to Egypt and wandering alone across half the world. And we've achieved a lot personally and professionally. So we both knew we were ready for kids ASAP and that we wanted our marriage to include kiddies as soon as possible! So we were both totally comfy with starting early.

As it turns out, since my mom's fighting stage 4 cancer now, it's a good thing we started early as it increases the chances she'll get to enjoy her grandkids for at least a few months, and hopefully for years.

**very small, minor threadjack**
Indy you're having twins!? That's amazing...congratulations!

Twins supposedly run in my family...so they say anyway.

 

[jill_s]

We were married almost 5 years before we conceived (just recently), and I was hesitant about having kids the entire time. We really cherished every moment of our first 4.5 years of marriage and traveled, saved, and went on lots of dates.

The only advice I can give is this - you''ll know you''re ready for kids when you view them as an addition to your life rather than an interruption. Once we got past the interruption phase, we knew we were ready.

Good luck!

 

[Laurenj915]

I like reading all these posts.

I have only been married for 2 months but I am 31 and I do feel pressure to have kids soon.

I teach kindergarten and over summer break I start to feel my clock ticking but then as soon as school starts I cannot get far enough away from a 5 year old after the last bell rings. Am I going to have to quit working with little kids in order to want my own?

 

[vizsla]

lauren! ROTFL.. LOL!

i''m grasping onto the ''it''s different when they are your own'' for dear life.
i have 2 very adorable, very sweet nieces.. that i can''t wait to see.. and i also can''t wait to promptly leave when it''s time.. so who knows...

just yesterday dh and i were out to din din.. for no particular reason other than it was a wed. and we didn''t feel like making anything... and we walked to our fav. restaurant.. he had a scotch, i had some wine.. and we sat outside talking, drinking.. enjoying being together... i really don''t want that to change...

and i get ya with the 31! you feel like tick tock tick tock too? it''s stressful to say the least....

another thing i worry about is my body.. i''m fairly tall 5''9" and i was a ''healthy'' 156 for a long time.. then i started working out and lost 28 lbs that i''ve kept off for nearly a year.. i''m really worried that if i have children i will give up my new body for good.. and i rather like the new me...

oh just more things to obsess over i guess.. good luck lauren

 

[Laurenj915]

Date: 7/24/2008 4:14:00 PM
Author: vizsla
just yesterday dh and i were out to din din.. for no particular reason other than it was a wed. and we didn''t feel like making anything... and we walked to our fav. restaurant.. he had a scotch, i had some wine.. and we sat outside talking, drinking.. enjoying being together... i really don''t want that to change...

Yes, it''s a little scary that your life can change so dramatically when you have kids. We won''t be able to drop everything, run over to the Ale House for a beer, and to watch a football or basketball game on a Thursday night.

I can understand how you feel about the body thing. Congrats on losing 20 and keeping it off. Did you change your diet? Start working out? Or a little of both? I am concerned at how my body will change and more so that I will not have the time and engery with a baby to get it back to the way it was (or at least as close as possible). Right now I do marathons and triathlons and I don''t think there is anyway I will be able to train for either from the time I become pregnant until the time they are in kindergarten. If I had two kids that would be 7 or so years. That kills me!

Ok, I am not ready. It''s good to clear that up in my head and tell my biological clock to shut up for a year or two.

 

[Haven]

I worry about the body thing too, even though I know I shouldn''t. I love feeling sexy and in shape, and I hate it when I''m a bit overweight (like NOW!) and feel sluggish. My mother gained a lot of weight when she was pregnant with me and never really bounced back, so that''s something I always think about.

But then I think about the alternative, which would be to not have biological children, and I really want that, so I''ll have to suck it up (and in, I suppose!)

 

[vizsla]

it''s so weird about the body thing... because i try and use both my sister and mom as indicators to what my body is going to do.. it doesn''t help that my sister, mom and i couldn''t look any more different... we *sound* exactly the same, but they are both blond hair, blue eyes, 5''4" and have more of a pear shape.. i''m tall, brown hair, brown eyes and a celery stock.. seriously - no curves...

but i digress... anyhoo.. my sister got huge with her first.. gained probably 45-50lbs all over face, hands, feet.. then her second.. basketball in the front (and they were both girls, so my ''you carry boys one way, and girls another'' theory is no good).... she did end up losing all her weight and then some ... but the girls were 2 and 4 by that time..

and thanks for the congrats... i got braces at 30 (lol -- just got them off last week.. yeah!) and that helped with the first 10lbs (i seriously could not eat anything for 2 weeks.. it was awful) .. but at the same time i was working out 6 days a week... training for a 1/2 marathon (yeah! fellow runner!!!) so i would run 4 days a week, endurance on saturdays.. and weight train the other 2 days... i''m down to working out 5 days a week.. and not watching what i eat as much (although, i didn''t change my diet too much.. i consider myself a healthy eater.. i just cut down portion size).. i am planning on picking up another day come august to train for a marathon in october.

 

[Laurie2]

5 years for me. I was still finishing up college.