How do you transition from a mine to ours mentality?

[chemgirl]

Hi newlyweds! Our wedding was in November and I haven't stopped by this board yet!

I'm having a hard time transitioning from a "that is mine and don't touch my stuff" to a "this is ours" mentality. Has anyone else had this issue?

We lived together before marriage, but at that time we still had our own property. For example, it was my car, my computer, my camera, my ipod etc. and he had his own. Now that we're married I'm having a hard time seeing things that I saved for and worked hard for as "ours". Especially when he breaks them or messes them up, lol.

This all sort of came to a head today and I had a bit of a mini freak out. I have an imac and dh uses a macbook for his home business. He likes how my imac is faster, so he asked if he could use it while I'm at work. Cool, fine, no problem. However, I didn't realize that he would have to encrypt it and then reformat it. He assumed that my data, pictures, and music were backed up so it wouldn't be an issue (he called me while I was at work and asked if I usually back up my files...I was busy and just answered "yes" without thinking about why he would be asking). Well some of them were backed up, but not all of it. To make matters worse, the pictures that weren't backed up were saved on my camera's sd card. He saw that the sd card memory was overkill and replaced it with a smaller one. He used the larger sd card to store his music instead (after transferring the pictures to the now reformatted computer). So now 6 months of pictures are gone! (including honeymoon pics). He took my car out of town today so I haven't really talked to him about it. He has a habbit of eating saucy things in my car and dripping sauce between the seats. I know he's going to get home, I'm going to find McDonalds bags, fries, and sweet and sour sauce all over my car and just lose it. In his defence, he does clean it up, but I love my car and it annoys me to see it trashed!

I just want to scream "DON"T TOUCH MY STUFF!"

Has anyone else had any issues with sharing things that belonged to them before the marriage? Any tips on how to deal with it?

My main issues are with the car, the computer, the camera and personal items like my phone and ipod.

 

[swingirl]

You need to say, "Don't touch my stuff!" There is no reason why you should not have your own possessions just because you are married. My DH and I share responsibilities, bills, taxes, bonuses, food, etc. But I would not make ANY changes to his camera or computer. Reformatting someones computer for THEIR OWN convenience is so unacceptable. Cars: only after asking and we would never eat, leave trash, or leave the tank empty. These are common courtesies that don't have anything to do with being married or an "ours" mentality. It's especially true if either one of you are particular about how an item is handled or cared for. Nip this in the bud!!

 

[decodelighted]

Welllllll .... he didn't assume your computer was backed up. He asked & you said "yes" ... right? Only the answer was NO. Agree with Swinggirl that you should maintain COMMON COURTESY with each others possessions, regardless of marriage. Sorry about your pix, that SUCKS!

 

[chemgirl]

Welllllll .... he didn't assume your computer was backed up. He asked & you said "yes" ... right? Only the answer was NO. Agree with Swinggirl that you should maintain COMMON COURTESY with each others possessions, regardless of marriage. Sorry about your pix, that SUCKS!

Yes very good point. He didn't assume. I should have asked him why he wanted to know! I got thrown because I was busy with work and he asked if I usually back up. I do regular backups every month so I answered yes, when I should have said it wasn't completely backed up. You make a very good point. The pictures hadn't been backed up because they had recently been added to the computer. It was just a bit shocking starting up my computer today and having it all back to factory settings. No files or programs on it.

He tends to think everything is shared now since the marriage. I agree to a certain extent. For example, I don't see a point in him driving his car long distances since my car is diesel so cheaper. I drink coffee in my car so its hard to argue that I don't like food in it. More like eating in the car is fine as long as it comes back just as clean as when it went out.

I'm generally fine with him using anything, as long as it comes back in exactly the same condition. It bugs me if something is changed, although I don't want him to stress about borrowing things. I think he feels the exact same way that I do. I sneezed on his laptop the other day and he looked pretty bothered by it.

I'm getting over the picture thing, but now I'm worried about how I'll react if he borrows something and breaks it (ie drops my camera in a lake or something). Accidents happen and I don't want to get worked up over little things.

 

[decodelighted]

It feels bad when someone breaks *your* stuff no matter who it is ... or if its a co-owner, yanno!? That's just human. Marriage is a LOT about forgiveness & loving someone even when they don't deserve it so much. Another sticky wicket maybe you haven't thought of yet ... (see I'm SO helpful ) ... what happens when you don't know WHO broke or LOST something!

My car keys, including electronic car door opener (or whatever those thingies are called), turned up missing shortly after DH borrowed my car. I *always* hang them up in a certain spot. He doesn't. But we couldn't really tell who lost them or how they were lost. IT KILLED ME. GAH -- I wanted to KILL HIM!!! There was a lot of mutual blame going around but he ended up replacing them & handling all the details doing so. To the tune of several hundred dollars. Well .. guess where they showed up *six months later*? Inside the washing machine door jam rubber liner. So, it was kinda BOTH of our faults. His for leaving them in his pocket and mine for not checking pockets thoroughly enough as laundry is my chore. Still infuriating! But now I realize I shouldn't have really blamed him no matter how much I SUSPECTED I knew what happened.

Its a learning process I suppose. Hopefully the benefits of marriage will far outweigh these snafus! Especially once you set some ground rules & figure out each others hot-buttons.

 

[yssie]

y'know, I'm wondering if some couples just don't get there until some other life-changing event (kids?)... reformatting/encrypting my computer, switching disks without specifically asking me about everything first... I'd be fuming, and my DH knows it!

We've been married 4 months, lived together for a year and a half before that - and my stuff is still very much MY stuff - and his is HIS. I have no problem at all with him using anything, but changing it without confirming with me first? Damaging it or losing it? I'd be thoroughly peeved. And I extend to him the same courtesies - I don't use his computer/kindle/camera/etc. without okaying it with him first, though I honestly don't think he cares at all.

We don't share finances and don't plan to until it becomes a necessity - like when we start thinking about a house & kids. We don't check each others' phone messages and emails, we don't know each others' passwords to many things. We do each others' laundry and dishes and we'll be doing our taxes together though

 

[sctsbride09]

I would be annoyed if DH lost a bunch of our photos too, so I totally get it. And I agree with Swingirl about this being more of a common courtesy issue than a mine/ours issue. It doesnt seem like you mind him using your things, just that you mind him not being more careful about it. But since you asked..My Dh and I lived together for a couple years before we got married, so I think that helped with the whole yours/mine transition. Everything we have is merged, and it works for us. I know plenty of people that keep finances seperate and it works for them, its all about what works for the couple. Honesty is important in a marriage, and this is a small thing, so just talk to him about it. Odds are he doesnt know how much it bugs you, my DH can be kind of oblivious sometimes until I point things out to him.

 

[marymm]

My stuff is still my stuff even after marriage; DH's stuff is still his. I ask if I want to borrow his camera and get a refresher lesson from him on how to use it. If he wants to add a program to my computer, we do it together (partly because I am better with computers, partly because he knows he could easily make a mistake that might delete stuff we both care about).

Common courtesy is extremely important in marriage / shared living arrangements - just because you live together or have exchanged "I do's" doesn't mean that ownership shouldn't be acknowledged and respected. Your clothes and jewelry are still yours, right? Your books, your treasures from growing up? Of course, every couple creates their own philosophy and yours may well be "what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours" - but even that has it's limits, yes? He wouldn't take your plate of food and eat it himself, right? Or use your toothbrush or take the present you bought for your mom to give to his own? So acknowledging limits and respecting each other is paramount even where you decide that everything is now shared.

My DH likes to borrow my car because it is so nice and clean (and also because it is more economical but that is acknowledged as a secondary factor) - but when he borrows it and returns it, it is no longer clean - food wrappers, gas receipts, mapquest printouts, music CDs, sunglasses - all over my car! It drives me nuts that he does this. I had to put my car off limits to him because he didn't respect it or me. I asked him, "if you borrowed your mom's car or your buddy's car, would you return it like this?" He admitted he would not. So he finally seemed to "get" it, and his borrowing rights have been restored. But still, now and again I find something in it, usually sliding around on the floor, and it does get my goat. As long as it is only occasionally that he forgets to tidy up, I can accept it - he is not neat and tidy with anything, and really that's okay as long as it doesn't affect me or our shared areas, but when it does - oh my!

 

[Jennifer W]

We have our own belongings. Computers, cameras, cars etc we don't share. I especially don't like to have anyone else drive my car. I wouldn't transition to a new mentality, I'd just set ground rules about not using my belongings (or at least, leaving them in exactly the condition they were in to start with).

 

[slg47]

wow, I would be majorly peeved also. using a computer to check e-mail is one thing, but reformatting everything???!?!?!?!? I don't know, maybe it is because I am an only child, but that seems like overkill to me.

good thing my car is stick shift and FI doesn't know how to drive it (well, I taught him once but he forgot).

 

[Haven]

Ooh, Chemgirl, I would have been FURIOUS if this happened to us. I know it's over and done with, but I think you have a right to be upset about what happened. Even though he did call you and ask if you backed up your computer, he DIDN'T ask if he could REFORMAT your computer. I wouldn't do something like that to DH's computer without his *permission* and vice versa. Asking for some information rather than permission is NOT COOL in my opinion.

We've been living together since we were first married in July 2008, and we still have our own things. I have *my* car, DH has *his* car. We each have our own computers, and our own closets and our own spare bedrooms in which we can put whatever we want and keep it as clean or as messy as we like, thankyouverymuch. We share a lot of things--our finances are completely combined and we have a total what's yours is mine mentality when it comes to money. We share the camera that was mine before we were married. (Although that just died last week. )

The key is being considerate of each other and of all of our things. DH uses the floor of his car as a trash can, for example, but he knows I would freak out if he threw garbage onto the floor of my car, so he doesn't do it even though he drives my care quite a lot. I like to use DH's laptop every once in a while because it's nicer, but I know it annoys him when I download research articles and leave them on his desktop, so I don't.

I'm sorry this is going on. I would have been furious, and I think it's a good thing that he's far away from you for a while so you can cool down before you see him in person.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Chemgirl,

We are in a slightly different situation as we are married but not living together, but we both very much have our own stuff.

I gave my husband my old computer when he got laid off (back than we were dating). He made me take everything off before he reformatted it. On my current computer, he has his own log in if he wants to browse or check e-mail, but he knows better than to re-format it!!!

On bigger things that need to be shared (i.e. furniture) we had to come to a compromise on the rules (ie eating on the sofa ect). We do not have an issue with keeping the car clean, he likes his cars clean (now if only I could get him to feel that way about his bathroom...) Our issues came up when we were buying our cars. We both had ideas on what the other's cars should be like but realized we had to let the other have a car that fit them. My husband just bought a Flex. He originally wanted a Camero. I pointed out to him that was not a great family car and would not hold his sports gear. He agreed, found the Flex, which he liked, and made sure it addressed my concerns. Once I told him it did, I had no more input. So we now have a Flex with lots of additional features, including a computer that holds 2000 songs, voice command, and paddle shifters, and a fairly powerful engine . Although I had imput, and I am sure at some point I will drive it, it is very much his car.

I think part of being in a marriage is respecting each others as individuals. Part of that is having your own possessions. Yes, you can share it with the other person, but that individual should still treat it as if it is being borrowed and respect the rules.

 

[chemgirl]

Thanks everyone for your input!

I talked to him about the computer thing and he feels pretty horrible about he. He didn't realize I had new pictures on it. It was really a miscommunication on both of our parts. I did say I had my files backed up so he thought it would be fine to encript it and make himself a user account. He is a web developer and needs the encription for his work. I didn't know that. He thought I did (he may have told me at some point, I don't understand most of what he says when he talks about work). So when he asked to use my computer for work, he thought I realized what it would entail. Apparently the computer crashed right after encripting (a risk he knew about) because there was an auto-update that didn't work with his encription program. So yeah, he didn't intentionally reformat it, he had to after it crashed. Still not cool, but easier to understand. He did bring home loads of new RAM to make it better for doing his work, so now I have a super speedy 16GB of ram in here!

And my car came back fairly clean! The only thing I found this morning was a bag of nuts in the cup holder. After a lot of jokes about his "sack of nuts" he agreed to take all of his stuff out of the car when he's done with it. He even took it to the car wash since it was salty!

So yes, obviously rational conversation is the way to go with this.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

wow, I would be majorly peeved also. using a computer to check e-mail is one thing, but reformatting everything???!?!?!?!? I don't know, maybe it is because I am an only child, but that seems like overkill to me.

good thing my car is stick shift and FI doesn't know how to drive it (well, I taught him once but he forgot).

LOL! That is exactly why I bought a stick - because I knew that DH would never be able to drive it so it's ALL mine You should really have your own stuff. It's too easy to loose yourself when suddenly everything is ours and nothing is yours.

 

[amc80]

My boyfriend and I have a saying- "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine."

Ha.

But seriously, I think common courtesy is applicable to all life situations at all times. It sounds like what happened to the computer was an accident. The car? Well, I guess I see your point. I would be upset if my clean car was returned dirty. Just as I would be upset if a car we bought together was left dirty. People need to be considerate of belongings, regardless of where they may fall on the mine/his/ours spectrum.

 

[meresal]

NM
ETA: Just saw your update. Glad to hear that it all worked out.

 

[UnderBlue]

Who goes and formats someone else's computer, even if they ask? If I needed to do something to my husband's computer I would explain what I was doing. And then he also decides to format your camera card? What the hell is his problem?! I formatted our camera card the other day but I double-checked that all the photos were off of it and made sure they were cataloged and stuff on our external HD.

And dripping crap all over the seats? That's just being a slob. I eat in the car a lot, but I don't drip crap everywhere and I do clear out the trash every once in a while.


We didn't have a transition period really. Maybe the only thing I think of as mine is the cat. It doesn't seem you don't want him to not touch it, you just want him to stop screwing it up. It seems like he has little regard for keeping things nice and the consequences of his actions. How bad does he feel that he lost your honeymoon photos? If he doesn't, I think there's a real problem.

Sure accidents happen but there's a difference between "oops I dropped the camera putting it into its case" and "oops I dropped the camera because I didn't catch it after tossing it into the air."

 

[iheartscience]

We officially combined finances not too long ago (got joint checking and savings accounts), which definitely helps with an "ours" mentality. That said, we definitely still have our own stuff.

Obviously I would let my husband use my laptop if he really needed it, but if he wanted to use my computer for work I'd tell him to buy his own...that's a lot of sharing. And I would be FURIOUS with my husband if he deleted photos from my photo card-you didn't tell him that was backed up! I know it was an accident, but common sense would dictate that you don't delete a memory card without making sure all the photos on it have been transferred to a computer! It sounds like you're just more careful with your things than he is, which is a not so great combination for sharing.

I'm glad you've calmed down after speaking with him, and I hope he's more careful with your things in the future...or that you share less.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

This was really hard for me because when I moved in, there were also two young boys in addition to DH that I had to adapt to. I HATED that DH had these food rules for the boys (such as no sugar or fat or cheese, etc.) that they would circumvent by eating MY food! For example, DH would buy bran flakes cereal for himself and they boys. I like Special K. It would drive me freaking bananas to reach for my Special K and there would be none! UGH! Worse, I am the kind of person that keeps a running inventory of what's in the pantry and the fridge in my head. Sometimes, I would have friends or family over and I would say, 'Oh, do you want a cup of coffee and a muffin? I just bought some muffins two days ago!" only to turn the kitchen inside out before finding the container in the recycling bin. I hated that they never asked me if it was okay to eat or even had the courtesy to say, "I ate the last of your cereal, we need to buy more."

It wasn't until recently that I realized I was being selfish because I expected all this courtesy and whatnot, but DH never raised a fuss when he thought we lost his keys (including key fob, alarm, office keys, etc.) in a rental car and I found them a full year later in my winter coat! When I borrowed his car and took a curb a little fast...nothing. Not even a request that I take better care of HIS things.

Now that I think about it...I have a pretty sweet deal...and it sounds like I am kind of a b*tch....