How do you know if you only want one child?

[Logan Sapphire]

Even though we just brought our daughter home 2 months ago, we''re already starting to think about adopting child #2 for a variety of reasons. I was very on the fence about having kids to begin with, though I do love Casey a ton. I''m just not sure I was meant to be a parent to more than one...not sure I have the patience and disposition to handle two.

I know there are a lot of pros/cons to having just one child. Does anyone have any advice on when/how they knew they were ready to have more than one kid?

 

[elrohwen]

I don''t have kids of my own and probably won''t for at least 5 years, but FI and I do argue (lightly) about whether we want one or two. I''m an only child and he has a sister, so I think this clearly skews our preferences

I told him that we''ll have one and I''ll see how I feel about another one at that time. I have a feeling that after one, we''ll feel done and satisfied and then we''ll know our answer. Or maybe not and we''ll decide to have another. But I know how you feel about not knowing if you''re cut out to have more than one, and there''s nothing wrong with that! I don''t think there''s anything wrong with having only one and being happy with that.

 

[janinegirly]

Great question, and I''m also trying to determine this (we''re going to wait another year to make an official decision). I''d also be interested to hear what others have to say.

Right now my pros and cons are:

One child-pros

*can provide the child with as much as possible--best education, most attention, lots of one-on-one time
*easier to have a somewhat normal life as a couple (more mangeable with one vs. more)
*easier to continue working full time when just one
*finances (more expensive the more children you have, this is kind of tied in with above statements)
*easier to travel with one vs. more children
*avoid potential sibling rivalries (not all siblings get along)

Two children-pros

*less likely to spoil than if there is only one child
*sibling for child # 1: this is the biggest pro of all. Allows for socialization skills as well as family bond that usually cannot be found through friends
*opportunity to parent 2 different types of children
*won''t feel regretful and wistful ("what if we had had another child..")

What are your thoughts right now? One thing I would suggest is to take some time. You will have a whole host of thoughts after only 2 months which may look different at 2 year mark for example. I will say that I always thought one was enough, but now that I have one, of course I wonder....

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Well, I always said we needed a back-up in case DD hates us

I know we want two but beyond that I am uncertain. I am *hoping* my family will feel complete and I will feel done. KWIM? I loved having siblings and DH and his sister are best friends. I want my daughter to have that relationship (hopefully). Obviously it is out of my control and they could totally hate each other but chances are just as likely they will be best of friends. I think 2 months into motherhood is TOO soon to make any decisions either way. Just take it day by day. I think the answer will come to you.

 

[D&T]

well I started with one (thought I was done),, and now we have two,, and I"m looking forward to #3 in about three years of course, but we''re such square people so we''ll just go on having four!....
and ditto to Janine!
and lol to Tacori "Well, I always said we needed a back-up in case DD hates us "

 

[Ara Ann]

Well...babysit a teenager for a few days...or hours...and then think about it some more.

The truly trying years are the teen years, IMO. Our oldest is 19, our youngest is 14. We have really good kids, but the peer influence is SO difficult to deal with and is underestimated by many parents. It's easy to think, "if I raise them right, they will turn out fine," etc., which is true most of the time...but all it takes is one time, one serious slip up, with the wrong kinds of kids to really ruin a kids life. It is a scary time to raise kids and a daunting phase to work through...even the 'best' kids change for a few years when their hormones kick in.

I kind of chuckle when I see families with lots of kids under the age of 10...they really have no clue what it's like to have teens these days! I'm grateful we have our two sons, but I am also glad we stopped at two.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 6/8/2009 4:33:45 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Well, I always said we needed a back-up in case DD hates us

I know we want two but beyond that I am uncertain. I am *hoping* my family will feel complete and I will feel done. KWIM? I loved having siblings and DH and his sister are best friends. I want my daughter to have that relationship (hopefully). Obviously it is out of my control and they could totally hate each other but chances are just as likely they will be best of friends. I think 2 months into motherhood is TOO soon to make any decisions either way. Just take it day by day. I think the answer will come to you.

Ditto to the idea it is way too soon to even think about this! You''ll know when you know! For some people, it is several years before they have a desire for another one.

 

[fieryred33143]

I can''t see myself with more than one child to be honest. I just feel that I will be able to provide a great life to one child and a good life (but not great) if I had more than one. That could probably change as I move up in my career.

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 6/8/2009 4:20:01 PM
Author: elrohwen
I don''t have kids of my own and probably won''t for at least 5 years, but FI and I do argue (lightly) about whether we want one or two. I''m an only child and he has a sister, so I think this clearly skews our preferences

I told him that we''ll have one and I''ll see how I feel about another one at that time. I have a feeling that after one, we''ll feel done and satisfied and then we''ll know our answer. Or maybe not and we''ll decide to have another. But I know how you feel about not knowing if you''re cut out to have more than one, and there''s nothing wrong with that! I don''t think there''s anything wrong with having only one and being happy with that.

Wow, I could have written this! DH and I feel the exact same way. I''m an only and I''d prefer to have one for mostly financial reasons (we would be able to provide so much more for 1, but not as much for 2), but we just don''t know how we''ll feel when we have kids. We both feel like 4 years is too much for an age gap, so our plan is if we don''t have super strong feelings for a second child by that point, we won''t have a second. Logan, I''m really interested in reading your responses, as I''ve always wondered those same questions.

 

[MustangGal]

I''ve been asking myself the same question. I have a 4 month old now, and I think I''m done. I was on the fence about kids, but DH really wanted them. I love my little guy, but I kinda feel that we got one good one, why take the chance again? And I also think we could give a better life to 1 child versus 2. DH really wants 2, but I think our relationships with our siblings really weigh in on our preferences. I''m 1 of 5 kids, and none of us are best friends, I only talk to my older brother once a year or so. My 2 sisters, the closest in age, get along OK, but sometimes can''t stand to be in the same room together. DH has a better relationship with his 2 brothers. We''ve decided we''ll put the question on hold until the baby is about a year old, and think it over again then. I don''t see me changing my mind, I already compromised with having one, but who knows.

I''m looking forward to hearing other people''s views on the subject.

 

[curlygirl]

Well, I always wanted 2 children. Now I have them and I know that I am completely done. Although the smell of a newborn definitely makes me a little clucky!! I have never been an only child so I don''t know what that is like but what I do know is that having a sibling is something really special. My sister and I are not the closest (even though we''re only 2 years apart) but she''ll always be my "go to" person in life--no matter what the situation. And I mean that beyond my husband, of course. It''s a different kind of relationship. I pray that my girls are best friends since they are only 17 months apart but even if they''re not, they will have a bond regardless. I do think it''s too early for you to make this decision unless you need to get the ball rolling quickly on the adoption process. If that''s not the case, I would just wait it out for a little while before taking this giant step. Going from 0 to 1 isn''t so bad but going from 1 to 2 is a whole different ballgame!

 

[musey]

We want two... I'm afraid of the stereotypical 'issues' that only children have, because I've known a few people who really exhibited those, umm, issues

My husband is an exception, though.

Anyway, I've always known I wanted more than one. At least two, hopefully not more than three. It's always been a given in my mind.

 

[lili]

I have 5 brothers and sisters, so I knew from the get-go it's going to be at least 2 kids.
If I were younger, I may comtemplate a third one, but given that time is not on my side, it's going to be 2.
I know 2 kids are going to be more work, but I just hate to have my baby be the only child.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I have two kids - boys, 22 months age difference - now 6 (nearly 7) and 8, both planned. Long before DH and I even married, we both already knew we wanted two kids. It was just how I always invisioned my family to be.

I am an only child and possibly that has a lot to do with my decision to have more than one kid. If you have any questions about what it was like for me to be an only child, ask away!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 6/8/2009 5:32:01 PM
Author: musey
We want two... I''m afraid of the stereotypical ''issues'' that only children have, because I''ve known a few people who really exhibited those, umm, issues

My husband is an exception, though.

Anyway, I''ve always known I wanted more than one. At least two, hopefully not more than three. It''s always been a given in my mind.

What are the "issues?" I''m an only child and probably have all of them issues! hehehe

 

[MustangGal]

All of the only children DH and I know are female (and show the spoiled side of being an only child), so I''m curious if there''s a difference between a male and female only child. Anyone have experience with a male only child?

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I definitely know two months of motherhood is too early to decide!!! I just feel that in our situation, there are various deadlines (some artificial) that are making this decision feel like it needs to be made soon. My husband and I aren''t having biological children- any children we have will be adopted. I''m a Korean adoptee and our daughter is also a Korean adoptee. Korea has an excellent international adoption program. HOWEVER...they also are planning on shutting down international adoptions by 2012 or something like that, since it''s a national shame to them. I don''t know how it''ll play out in the end, but I haven''t heard that they''re not still planning on shutting down international adoptions.

It took us 14 months from start to finish to adopt Casey, and the timeframe is only getting longer. I''m 33 and my husband is 35. Personally, I don''t want to have any more kids once I''m over 35 (with him 37). It''s just not something that appeals to me in the least. The other factor is cost of the adoption. We paid cash for Casey''s adoption, which was $30,000. If we want another child, we must start saving ASAP, which of course takes away from other life goals.

I guess I always envisioned having 2 kids since it was the standard of family life. But that was before I really thought deeply about motherhood, and now that I''m presented with having to make a tough decision in a more expedient manner, I''m just not sure.

 

[Elmorton]

Musey - as an only, when I read this, I think that only children have the least problems (but then again, I think we often accept our own personalities and reject others'): http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/birth_order.htm

Also, I believe there is definitely a stigma for only children based on simple envy - it's easy to call a child "spoiled" because the family has more resources for the child when the child throws a tantrum just like any other child does - but you probably wouldn't jump to call a youngest spoiled when he/she is throwing a tantrum, even though that child might be. And, it does depend on parenting. Some parents will be overbearing with an only, but those same parents might be the same way with multiple children.

I think birth order is really interesting - I definitely see elements of my personality that seem obviously birth-order related, that doesn't tell the whole story. Oh! And just so you know, only children as adults to be more mature than their peers, tend to accomplish goals that others find impossible, and tend to be highly motivated/successful.

 

[MustangGal]

I''m hoping by having DS in daycare that he won''t have as much of the "spoiled, don''t know how to share" issue that seems to plague some only children. The ones we know all had SAHMs, so didn''t interact with other children often. I think my youngest BIL is more spoiled than any only child could be, and he has 2 older brothers, and my little brother is almost as bad!

Logan Sapphire, that sounds like a lot of hassel to go through, I''m happy you got Casey! How old is your child now? And if you were to adopt another, would you be able to choose the age?

 

[lili]

LS--
Wow, I didn''t know that adoption could take that long and that much $$.
I''m happy that you got Casey. How old is your little girl and can we see pictures of her?

 

[hlmr]

I think the biggest life change comes after having your first child. When it comes to having more than one child, I really think the pros outweigh the cons by far. Kids learn and benefit so much from having sibliings, it is really immeasurable in my mind. It is so individual, but I think you will know after a couple of years of adjusting to parenthood.

 

[Haven]

I can't imagine life without my sisters. I could never deny my own children that sibling relationship. Never.

 

[princesss]

Oddly enough, one child is never something I considered. I''m okay with no kids, I''m okay with 2 kids. The thing is, how BF and I want kids are kind of...irreconcilable if we only had one child. He wants a biological kid. I don''t. I want to adopt internationally. So if everything goes smoothly, we''d have 2 kids. If things don''t go so smoothly and we can''t have biological kids, I think I''d be really happy just having one. But I want to move around a lot, and it seems like siblings have kind of a built in support system and friend when they''re in a new place. I could always find something to do with my younger siblings (though there is quite an age gap - 5 1/2 years between my brother and i, and almost 8 years between my sister and I). I think it would have been harder if it had just been me.

I think two would probably be ideal, but I''m sure we''ll make it work out somehow. I don''t want more than two, though.

 

[Courtneylub]

Amen, Haven.

I am an only child and was the complete opposite of spoiled! I got along great with other kids and had no problem sharing. Coming from a divorced family with my parents hating each other and throwing me in the middle, ALL I ever wanted was a sibling. My 6 week old WILL have a sibling or 2.

Mustang, you say you got one good baby and why take the chance again. All babies are blessings! Did you mean he''s an easy baby? What if he had been difficult?

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

My son is only 3.5 months old now, and I have started thinking about this issue too. Before having kids, I always thought I wanted 2 or 3. I am an only child (the best kind, like Elmorton talks about

) and I often felt that my family was a little small growing up. Just me and my mom. And as an adult I think I miss out by not having nieces or nephews, or aunts and uncles for my son on my side.

But now that I have my son I think I would be okay with one. He is a wonderful kid so far, easy, happy, pleasant to be around. I worry about "tempting fate" by having another, even though I don''t believe in fate! LOL! And even though I always imagined having lots of kids, at least right now, I know I would be okay if for some reason we couldn''t have any more.

However, DH feels *very* strongly about having at least one more child. He is one of three and loves his brothers a lot. I am not sure how he would react if I really put my foot down about it! And because I am only a little uncertain and he feels so strongly, we will have another, probably getting pg when our son is about 2.5 years.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 6/8/2009 7:44:38 PM
Author: Courtneylub

Mustang, you say you got one good baby and why take the chance again. All babies are blessings! Did you mean he''s an easy baby? What if he had been difficult?

I can''t speak for Mustang, but I have some similar feelings after having one easy baby. My feelings come from worries about being a good parent for a more difficult child, worrying whether or not I will have the patience I would need, or the stamina. Even parenting a so-called easy baby is difficult, and I suppose I worry about being generous and giving enough to do it for a more challenging child.

But I also know you are right Courtney. Still, it is hard not to worry about the unknown... it is so easy to imagine the difficulites but so hard to imagine the love when it is still abstract. For me, it is just so hard to imagine loving a second child as much as I love my first! But everyone says you do!

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 6/8/2009 8:09:43 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 6/8/2009 7:44:38 PM
Author: Courtneylub

Mustang, you say you got one good baby and why take the chance again. All babies are blessings! Did you mean he''s an easy baby? What if he had been difficult?

I can''t speak for Mustang, but I have some similar feelings after having one easy baby. My feelings come from worries about being a good parent for a more difficult child, worrying whether or not I will have the patience I would need, or the stamina. Even parenting a so-called easy baby is difficult, and I suppose I worry about being generous and giving enough to do it for a more challenging child.

But I also know you are right Courtney. Still, it is hard not to worry about the unknown... it is so easy to imagine the difficulites but so hard to imagine the love when it is still abstract. For me, it is just so hard to imagine loving a second child as much as I love my first! But everyone says you do!

I see what you''re saying, but our first child is also an unknown. Maybe we''re given an easy first baby so that we''ll have more. It''s a big trick!

So many people these days choose not to have children or to only have one. Times sure have changed.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 6/8/2009 8:21:16 PM
Author: Courtneylub

Date: 6/8/2009 8:09:43 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 6/8/2009 7:44:38 PM
Author: Courtneylub

Mustang, you say you got one good baby and why take the chance again. All babies are blessings! Did you mean he''s an easy baby? What if he had been difficult?

I can''t speak for Mustang, but I have some similar feelings after having one easy baby. My feelings come from worries about being a good parent for a more difficult child, worrying whether or not I will have the patience I would need, or the stamina. Even parenting a so-called easy baby is difficult, and I suppose I worry about being generous and giving enough to do it for a more challenging child.

But I also know you are right Courtney. Still, it is hard not to worry about the unknown... it is so easy to imagine the difficulites but so hard to imagine the love when it is still abstract. For me, it is just so hard to imagine loving a second child as much as I love my first! But everyone says you do!

I see what you''re saying, but our first child is also an unknown. Maybe we''re given an easy first baby so that we''ll have more. It''s a big trick!

So many people these days choose not to have children or to only have one. Times sure have changed.

You are totally right! But at least with the first you don''t *really* know how hard things can be... you just blindly walk into it

You know something funny, when I go out places with Hunter and I meet strangers and they goo goo over him, people always say, "Oh he''s so sweet and smiley... wait until you have number 2!

Your second kid will be a nightmare!!" I always want to punch them a little. Or at least kick them in the shins.

Maybe that''s where my worries come from!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Date: 6/8/2009 8:09:43 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 6/8/2009 7:44:38 PM

Author: Courtneylub


Mustang, you say you got one good baby and why take the chance again. All babies are blessings! Did you mean he''s an easy baby? What if he had been difficult?

I can''t speak for Mustang, but I have some similar feelings after having one easy baby. My feelings come from worries about being a good parent for a more difficult child, worrying whether or not I will have the patience I would need, or the stamina. Even parenting a so-called easy baby is difficult, and I suppose I worry about being generous and giving enough to do it for a more challenging child.

Dreamer Daschie- this is exactly how I feel too! You worded it perfectly.

Btw, I don''t think only children are necessarily spoiled. That''s not my worry about having only one.

Lili- depending on the country, adoptions can take over 3 years. Korean adoptions take longer these days b/c as I mentioned before, Korea is planning on shutting down international adoptions and doing only domestic ones. In order to encourage domestic adoptions, they have a new law that children who are available for adoption must remain available only domestically for 5 months before they can be considered for international adoptions. As a result, children are a little older when they''re adopted internationally, b/c adoption is very stigmatized in Korea and people generally don''t accept adoption like they do in the US. Also, Korea is an expensive country to adopt from. There are other countries that are less expensive to adopt from, so not all international adoptions cost as much as Korea.

Anyway, my daughter will be 13 months next week. Our agency mandates that additional adopted children must be at least a year younger than the youngest child already in your household, whether they''re biological or adopted. So Casey would be the older child no matter what. I have a twin sister, and I couldn''t imagine life without her. On the other hand, I am starting to learn my limits, and I wonder if I wouldn''t be able to do justice to a second child.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Here''s my little cutie!