How do you help someone who is being abused?

[fieryred33143]

I don't know if I should give too much detail, I can if it's needed.

I have a family member who is being physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by her husband. They have 3 children: 13, 3, and 18 months. I do not believe he is abusing the children (otherwise I would call CPS in a heartbeat, her son is very close to me and has not said anything).

He is a very dangerous man. I have heard of abusers who make threats and people always say they are empty threats. His are not. I cannot stress enough how dangerous this man is.

I don't know what to do. I keep telling her to leave but when she asks how, I honestly do not know what to tell her She had an opportunity to move secretly to Hawaii to live with her brother but he got transferred to FL so that fell through.

Is there anything we can do? Who can we call?

 

[sctsbride09]

Im very sorry for your family member, nobody should have to go through abuse.Also, its so terrible that her children have to witness this, that in itself is abuse. First, has the person in question ever had to call the police and then pressed charges? If she has, the first thing to do is file a restraining order, if she will do so. If this man is as dangerous as you say, I would suggest that she takes herself and her children and MOVE somewhere far. She is going to need to see a lawyer regarding moving, otherwise he can call the police and say she kidnapped them. Any proof that she may have regarding the abuse needs to shown to police and the lawyer, in case of the worst case situation. She needs to realize also that the longer her children are subjected to this abuse, the more likely it becomes that they will become abusers in their adult lives/ and or take abuse from people in the future. I would tell her to do anything and everything it takes to get her children out NOW. It may seem like leaving him is the hardest thing, but staying and possibly getting killed by him, THEN her poor kids being raised by him is the worst possible situation. I hope so much for her childrens sake that she can get out soon.

 

[cara]

There are hotlines that one can call to help craft an escape plan... Or therapists/counselors that specialize in assisting abuse victims, maybe a women's shelter might be able to recommend one or have resources on site to help. If the husband is dangerous, planning is warranted as leaving is a particularly dangerous time. Sorry not to have more specific info but maybe just starting with the national abuse hotline is easiest (1.800.799.SAFE). Hopefully one of the psers more versed in this stuff will have a more specific recommendation.

And witnessing abuse is horrible for the kids, even if they aren't being hit and verbally abused themselves. I wouldn't consider them 'safe' or unaffected by their home environment. However, at this point if the mom is willing to leave, maybe the right thing is to offer support for that effort rather than call CPS. She'll also need therapy and other types of support to help her recover and her family survive and thrive.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Is there anyone else far away she could go with? Or someone he does not know about. When my DH's aunt left her abusive husband she went to my ILs. His aunt, DH's mom's half sister, had not been in contact with her for a long time, so he didn't think to check there. It helps that FIL is a cop as well. If it were me, I would go with some of my dad's cousins in NM or one of my mom's lawschool friends since either would help me setup, but who I really do not know well enough that my Dh would be aware of them. If she has any pets, she would need to take them too or find someone who will. Find a good way to communicate he will not be able to track or discover. I think you may want to call 1-800-799-SAFE, they are the experts and would give the best advise of how to stay safe.

 

[megumic]

I worked with victims of domestic violence for a while, so I have some advice to give. Generally, she won't leave until she is ready. It's very hard for others to understand why victims don't just leave, but they truly have to be ready. Also, the victim herself knows her situation best and what sets him off into violent spirals -- when she says he'll react a certain way, believe her.

I would suggest you find some resources for her locally, such as a DV hotline, or a legal services office that deals with DV who can provide her with some free legal advice about restraining orders and the potential ramifications. Also, perhaps some DV therapy would be helpful to her to realize how impactful staying with her abuser will be on the future of her children.

Also, depending on the state, if dad is perpetrating abuse in front of the children, mom can be perceived as a parent who is failing to protect her children from experiencing abuse in the household and child protective services could intervene. I say that only because it does happen, but any good attorney can argue that mom is a victim along with the children. (In states such as NY, being a victim of domestic violence does not amount to neglect, but in NJ it is - so like I said it is very state-dependent.)

It's important to know that the most dangerous time for her and her children is when she decides to do something about her abuser, such as leave or file a criminal complaint or file for a restraining order in family court. This is when he'll be most angry because he realizes he can no longer control her and continue to perpetrate abuse.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family member. The best thing you can do is not judge her for staying and truly just be there for her and help guide her toward seeing her own situation clearly. It is very hard for victims to leave because they're afraid to leave, sometimes dependent emotionally and financially, and it may take a very serious incident for her to get there. And even if she leaves, she might go back. It is truly a vicious cycle.

 

[mayachel]

I'm so sorry that this is affecting someone you love. It is good that she has some ears and eyes in friends around her. I second all the advice being given, as well as a couple of comments. From your end, be sure that any info you give her happens in the privacy of your home, or on a secure cell phone line (not a land line that he may be listening in on). Even though you may want to write down, or e-mail her some information, think about what his reaction might be, and if it would put her at risk if he found her with it. If you can, it may be useful for her to gain some perspective via the mosaic tool=it was featured on Oprah this past year and makes for an easy lead in. See if you could have her do it at your home? https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Try to be supportive of her and the children as best you can/as involved as you desire. The following information is from the national domestic violence hotline website: http://www.ndvh.org

Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.

Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.

Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.

Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.

Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.

If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.

Help him or her to develop a safety plan.

Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.

Remember that you cannot “rescue” him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.

If you think your friend or family member may be abusive, click here to find out more.

Please call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 to discuss your concerns and questions.

 

[movie zombie]

I worked with victims of domestic violence for a while, so I have some advice to give. Generally, she won't leave until she is ready. It's very hard for others to understand why victims don't just leave, but they truly have to be ready. Also, the victim herself knows her situation best and what sets him off into violent spirals -- when she says he'll react a certain way, believe her.

I would suggest you find some resources for her locally, such as a DV hotline, or a legal services office that deals with DV who can provide her with some free legal advice about restraining orders and the potential ramifications. Also, perhaps some DV therapy would be helpful to her to realize how impactful staying with her abuser will be on the future of her children.

Also, depending on the state, if dad is perpetrating abuse in front of the children, mom can be perceived as a parent who is failing to protect her children from experiencing abuse in the household and child protective services could intervene. I say that only because it does happen, but any good attorney can argue that mom is a victim along with the children. (In states such as NY, being a victim of domestic violence does not amount to neglect, but in NJ it is - so like I said it is very state-dependent.)

It's important to know that the most dangerous time for her and her children is when she decides to do something about her abuser, such as leave or file a criminal complaint or file for a restraining order in family court. This is when he'll be most angry because he realizes he can no longer control her and continue to perpetrate abuse.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family member. The best thing you can do is not judge her for staying and truly just be there for her and help guide her toward seeing her own situation clearly. It is very hard for victims to leave because they're afraid to leave, sometimes dependent emotionally and financially, and it may take a very serious incident for her to get there. And even if she leaves, she might go back. It is truly a vicious cycle.

my experience of assisting with domestic violence is that it will ESCALATE at that point.........

mz

 

[fieryred33143]

Thank you all for your suggestions. I've been reading them and sharing with FI as we both feel a lot of weight on our hearts because of the situation.

This man is awful and couldn't care less about authorities so I doubt any restrictions placed on him would stop him from doing anything.

It makes me angry because she had a chance to leave on multiple occasions. Back when her first son was born he was sent to jail for 5 years for a terrible crime. And when he got out she took him back in and then had two more kids with him

I want her to just leave but I know it's not that easy. She does not come from an abusive home. And to add insult to injury, he constantly cheats on her. He'll sometimes take her car and spends the night in another woman's home. She knows he does this but does not complain because at least he's out of the house.

It makes me sick. My brother is in the area now and he has been taking her two younger kids out of the house to go to parks and things like that. My grandparents just moved in next door so I'm hoping that he'll calm down a bit knowing that they can hear everything. The one thing about him is that he pretends that their relationship is wonderful in front of other people

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Not sure I have much more advice than what has already been given but my heart goes out to your family member. The problem is that help is for those your want it, not just those who need it. You cannot take on that responsibility. Like it or not (and I don't mean this coldly) she has the right to stay in her marriage. She is an adult and even though she may feel trapped, she is not. If she ASKS for help, that is a separate matter. All you can do is pray that she will find clarity, courage, and strength to leave. Abuse is not okay on any level but your are powerless over her life. Just make sure she feels YOUR love and support.

I would be concerned for the children. Never underestimate a dangerous person. I would try to have your brother, gently ask the children questions to see how deep the abuse goes. Watching their mother be abuse is obviously negatively affecting their lives but you need to find out if it goes farther than that.

 

[movie zombie]

1- used to be a statistic that abused women left their abusers on average 7 times before the made the final break.
2- the children may not be physically abused but they are learning from this situation what mens and womens roles are and how to behave in a relationship.
3- until she is ready to leave him, it won't happen.
4- when she does leave him, she will need your support.
5- given what you've said about him, look for it to escalate when she does leave him and make sure you stay safe as well.
6- perhaps the wakeup call she needs is for Child Protective Services to be involved........

mz

ps it is very difficult to watch people one cares about make bad decisions: this isn't about love as much as it is about low self-esteem on both sides. do some reading on the issue and realize that until she is ready, there won't be a change. however, have a talk with her and let her know you find it hard to watch, that there is an the effect on the children, the possibility of severe injury which could leave her unable to care for her children or even dead, etc. perhaps an intervention of this sort with several people?

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Thank you all for your suggestions. I've been reading them and sharing with FI as we both feel a lot of weight on our hearts because of the situation.

This man is awful and couldn't care less about authorities so I doubt any restrictions placed on him would stop him from doing anything.

It makes me angry because she had a chance to leave on multiple occasions. Back when her first son was born he was sent to jail for 5 years for a terrible crime. And when he got out she took him back in and then had two more kids with him

I want her to just leave but I know it's not that easy. She does not come from an abusive home. And to add insult to injury, he constantly cheats on her. He'll sometimes take her car and spends the night in another woman's home. She knows he does this but does not complain because at least he's out of the house.

It makes me sick. My brother is in the area now and he has been taking her two younger kids out of the house to go to parks and things like that. My grandparents just moved in next door so I'm hoping that he'll calm down a bit knowing that they can hear everything. The one thing about him is that he pretends that their relationship is wonderful in front of other people

Fiery, you may be right about this part. Restraining orders can be a useful tool for an abused woman to use, but sometimes they do more harm than good. I didn't get one against my XH when I left him, because I knew how he'd react and it would NOT have been good.

I understand your frustration. It's hard to watch a loved one go through something like this, and it's easy to wonder why she doesn't just leave him. But remember, he wasn't always like this with her . . . that's not how abusers work. If he was abusive from day one of their relationship, there wouldn't BE a relationship. He had to suck her in first, by treating her well and making her believe that he loves her. She remembers those times when he was so good to her, and she wants that back. On some level, she believes that this is a temporary problem that they're having, and that he'll change and things will be "normal" again. Or she believes that the abuse is somehow triggered by something SHE is doing wrong, and she thinks that she just needs to behave better in order to make the abuse stop. She really can't/won't leave until she's VERY ready.

I'm so sorry she's going through this, and I'm so sorry you feel so powerless to help her. I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her. If/when she's ready to leave, help her move out and help her find somewhere to go (along with her kids and any pets). Check out the links that Mayachel posted, and give her as much information as you safely can. Let her know that she has options, and she doesn't have to put up with this anymore.

Also, PLEASE validate her! Many women think that they're overreacting and what they're going through isn't really "that bad." IT IS!!! She's just been programmed by her abuser to believe that her feelings don't matter and that she's making too much of the situation. Most DV victims are "people pleasers" and find it difficult to pay attention to their own needs/feelings. Don't let her minimize what is happening to her. Make her realize that it's really NOT a normal relationship and that he IS abusing her. Also, he is abusing the children simply by abusing their mother in their presence. Make sure she knows this, as it might be the factor that finally gets her to leave.

Good luck to you, and let us know how she's doing!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Any news on your family member, Fiery? I've been worrying about her.