How do you fight? (married couples)

[janinegirly]

I'll try to not get too personal, but how do you and your DH fight? I know there are "good" and bad ways to fight, but really, does anyone have the picture perfect fight where no one yells, differences are resolved and make up whoopee is awesome?

DH and I are stubborn and mean things do get said when there's a fight--and then we go into silent treatment mode for days. Sometimes things just get dropped or we talk it out, but I find that the effort required for resolving recurring problems isn't always made. I think DH prefers to let things go, but I prefer to resolve...but it doesn't work if only one is serious. He also sometimes says he doesn't push resolution since he didn't have a problem to start (i.e I was the one who instigated). Life also gets in the way and things just get dropped out of practicality. So the image of fights with beginning, middle and happy ending doesn't seem to always happen with us. While I GET that it's better to talk, resolve, compromise, it sometimes isn't reality. Or each party expresses their side, then there's silence or standard acknowledgment, then there's the verbal agreement to work on whatever--but it doesn't always actually happen. Which makes me not so motivated to force the "talk" the next time around if that makes sense..

Anyway, the question is meant to be more general, but wanted to give a bit of context.

 

[Haven]

Our fights are pretty tame, but I take zero credit for that.

I tend to clam up for a little bit to process things in my head, and then once I'm ready to have at it I'll snap at him for nothing at all. And then when we get into it, DH remains calm and reasonable, and I'll get a bit loud and screechy at first until I realize that I'm acting like a crazy person because my husband is sitting there cool as a cucumber.

Once I calm down, things get resolved pretty quickly because we can then engage in an actual conversation.

If DH is really upset about something, he'll usually do the same thing I do and process it for a while, so he'll be distant for a bit and then approach me when everything is really calm in the house. He usually starts it with "Honey, don't get mad, but I want to talk about xyz." Of course, he starts with the "don't get mad" because I do tend to get defensive when he brings things up and he's been on the receiving end of that more than once.

We really don't fight often, though. I don't know if it's because we're both really laid back or because we both view our home as our haven from the world and we are really committed to keeping it calm and relaxing, in general. Either way, it's a nice place to be most of the time. (And we'd never fight out in public.)

I can share that we make a point to not allow anything to change the way we view each other. I have a friend who says things like "Maybe we shouldn't have gotten married" or "He's such a jerk" or "He must not really love me because he does xyz" about her husband, and we just don't do that. Whatever issue we're dealing with, the bottom line is that we are married and we love each other and only want what's best for each other, so those thoughts don't creep into our minds when we're really upset. That's something we discussed a long time ago in our relationship, and it came up after I was tempted to say something really hurtful and didn't want to ever do that again. (I don't think I articulated this last bit really well, I hope it was clear enough. Clear as mud, right? Sorry.)

ETA: I love Steal's point. We often disagree, but we don't often fight.

 

[Steel]

Hi Janine,

It is natural to disagree on issues and the more important the issue is to you the greater the chance that you will enforce or defend your position. What is unnatural is to expect that your SO/DH will agree, every time.

Disagreements need a time and place, that was a lesson I learned through marriage. My lovely DH is a busy man and if I raise an issue he may not have time to respond. So if you are having a discussion and out of the blue it turns into something upon which you disagree then time out it until you both have time to deal with it. If it is a small issue you will hopefully not raise it again and the lesson learned there is not to sweat the small stuff. Next time you will remember that him ordering your hot chocolate and forgetting to request low fat milk is not an end of the world issue. If it is a big issue then you will both have clamed down, thought about your positions and have time to discuss in detail.

That is my top tip!

 

[packrat]

We disagree about things but don''t fight. Fighting, to me, brings to my mind yelling and screaming, throwing things..like when we were little and my brother and I used to fight. We don''t raise our voices. Sometimes I make smarmy comments and dig at him when I know he''s mad, b/c when he''s mad it''s usually about something dumb, like when he was putting drywall up in the basement and the drywall was slipping out of his hands when he was picking it up and he freaked out and started kicking it and punching it. Bwhahahaha I said "oooo y''feel better now tough guy? eh, you teach that piece of drywall who''s the boss right?"

When we disagree w/each other..I need to be quiet. I will say whatever pops into my mind, so I need to zip it until I''ve had a chance to think about what I want to say. There''ve been times when I''ve wanted to take the kids and leave for a day, or just come right out and ask him if he wants to split up-but those are lines that once you cross them..they''re awful hard to take back. One of my friends and her husband used to bandy the "d" word around a lot when they''d get mad and it just..that''s a painful and hurtful word, so I don''t know why anyone would just throw it out like nothing.

When he''s not around and I''m mad at him I slam doors and cupboards and yell profanities to get it out, and I talk it out loud to myself-b/c I want it out before we talk together about it. There''s been times I''ve gotten up on the wrong side of the bed and nothing he does is going to make me happy at that point-we just go about our business until I''m calmed down enough to apologize.

Anyone remember the episode of the Cosby Show where Elvin and Sondra are having issues and Cliff tells Elvin to shut up and put his hands up in the air? We do that too-we grew up watching that show and it makes us laugh, so it helps diffuse the situation-when one of us is getting a little heated about something, the other does the "Cliff" move, and takes the edge off.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi janinegirly

tim and i have been together for just on 27 years now (married 25+), so we''ve had to deal with a few disputes in our time. neither he nor i are big arguers, but it can happen. we have a couple of basic ''ground rules for a fair fight'', and i thought i''d share my top 3.

firstly, never say anything you dont mean. i think that''s one of the biggest problems with heated conversation. i once heard about a couple where the woman was covered with freckles. she HATED them and was very self conscious about them, but he swore their entire relationship that he loved them. then one day they had a blow up and - you guessed it! - out came "and i''ve always HATED your damn freckles!" he didn''t, of course, but it was a ''going for the jugular'' manoeuvre that he could never take back. tim and i said we''d always keep our anger damped down to the extent that we never let it draw us into saying things we don''t mean. this means we''ve never said ''i hate you'', or sundry other things that we both know we really dont mean - no matter how much we might want to say them in the heat of battle.

secondly, we never say shut up. to us, that''s such an arbitrary comment - so disrespectful - it just shuts a person down. we always give the other person room to say what they need or want to say. it''s a simple term, but we just never use it. ever.

thirdly, we never lose sight of the person for the issue. i love tim. i do. so much. and sometimes when we argue, i need to lock out his words (or my own, for that matter) and just look at his face and remember that this is my HUSBAND, my life''s biographer, my partner who i adore. sometimes in the middle of arguing, i need to just remember that this is the man i love, and i''ll stop and reframe what i''m saying in a way that better reflects that. when people argue, they (we) have a tendency to grasp the issue and lose the person. my best advice would be to try not to do that; the issue almost ALWAYS passes - but you''re left with the person. so long as i don''t lose sight of tim, we can be in the middle of a heated argument, and i''ll think to myself "i really love him...", and our argument will turn into "oh what the heck - i dont care about this so much - let''s go have a coffee or watch some tv or walk the dog or anything other than this..." always be willing to value the person higher than the issue; in the final analysis, it''s a better reflection of your true priorities.

that''s it from me!

 

[JSM]

Fighting with us happens when both of us are stressed out. For the most part we can talk it out rationally and at least acknowledge each other''s views, even if we don''t agree. However, in some of our toughest times we''ve unfortunately taken it out on each other.

Some bad things do get said at times (usually me, when I lose my temper), and sometimes there is silence (usually him, as he''ll clam up when he''s overwhelmed). Then we take a few hours away from each other (we''ll exercise separately, he''ll go fishing, I''ll go shopping, etc) and try again, when we''ve calmed down. We''ve learned this is far more productive for us than arguing in circles.

The "D" word (divorce) is never uttered, nor are phrases like "I wish we never would have gotten married!". I think it''s because, at this point, we don''t regret marrying and wish to stay married! I hope it stays that way.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Honestly, DH and I never really fought until we lived with his parents. It was a stressful situation to say the least, and now that we have our own place we''re sorting out our issues. We tend to discuss things rather than yell and scream at each other (or worse) but our timing isn''t always good. One time we started arguing at the grocery store over something totally stupid. Not yelling at each other or anything, but I got annoyed with him and took off with the cart to finish shopping without him.

I am much more hot-headed than DH and I tend to just let it all out rather than sugar coat everything. DH tends to skirt around the real issues and not want to commit to one solution or another.

 

[elrohwen]

DH and I bicker I guess, but I can only remember one "fight" in our 4 years together. During that fight, we talked, I did get a bit emotional and cried, but nobody said anything hurtful and we worked it out in half an hour or 45 minutes. And this was over the phone too, as we weren't living together at the time. We're both pretty calm rational people, especially DH. I can get emotional, but it only results in a few tears, no name calling, yelling, etc.

It's funny that when we bicker, we sometimes go all out - calling names like "stupid-head", "jerk", etc totally for fun. Lol. I don't know why - maybe it's fun to yell once in a while in a safe environment. And somehow it releases the tension a bit and we both start giggling. I find that so blatently overreacting to a situation makes us both realize the ridiculousness and get over it very quickly. Of course, this is only for stupid little things, like forgetting to put the cap back on the toothpaste stuff. I'm not sure if I explained that well though ... For a serious disagreement, we would never yell or call names. We never shoot below the belt.

I credit DH a lot - he's fantastic. His mom and sister are quite emotional, so I think he's had years of learning how to deal with women far crazier than myself

He really knows how to diffuse a situation, and since I'm not much of a fighter either we work very well together.

eta: My father can give the silent treatment for weeks at a time and I hate it more than anything. I looked for a partner who would never do this, and any time I'm tempted I snap myself out of it.

 

[Lilac]

We don't argue much, but when we do DH always stays calm and I tend to be the overemotional one. I yell and scream sometimes until I realize it's pretty stupid to yell at someone who's just talking in a calm, normal voice. Then I stop. I apologize for the way I act when I get angry and he apologizes when he does something to make me upset. I don't think either of us have a problem saying we're sorry when we've done something wrong (but he does come to the realization that he should much more quickly than I do - something I need to work on!).

I give an enormous amount of credit to my husband for dealing with me sometimes, especially when I yell if we're fighting - he has never EVER even so much as raised his voice to me in the 5 and a half years we've been together. I wouldn't blame him if he did, given the way I raise my voice when I get angry! But he just never does. When he's mad, he tends to get very quiet and after a while he will come over to me and calmly, rationally talk about it. I wish I were as patient as he is!

We never EVER talk about breaking up, divorcing, wishing we hadn't gotten married, or anything like that. I would never say something like that and I know he never would either. No name-calling or personal insults and we don't do silent treatment.

Whenever we've had an argument we always talk about it in the end. Neither of us can just brush it off as if it never happened without discussing and resolving the issue. Once we've talked about it, we're done with it though - we really try not to let it affect our relationship once the fight is over and we've talked about it.

 

[Lauren8211]

DH and I don''t argue too often. When we do, it doesnt often get mean. When it does, it''s always sarcasm

from him and defensive from me.

When it gets sarcastic, I end up spending half of the argument saying "Do not talk to me like that!"

Luckily, we''ve gotten it down to a science. When he gets sarcastic or I get defensive, we''ve each made a promise not to fuel the fire. So if one of us heads to our "go-to" move, the other says "You''re getting sarcastic/defensive, so lets calm down for a minute and then meet up again and discuss it."

That way, neither is at fault if things get out of hand - we don''t blame one another for an argument getting out of control. If one gets mean, the other also has the responsibility to stop it, if they dont, they''re just as guilty as the initial offender. It has worked well for us.

 

[Jas12]

DH and I haven''t really ever had a full-blown "fight" (like blow up yelling at each other followed by not speaking or sleeping in different rooms etc). DH is about as
non-confrontational as they come. So when we do argue it is ALWAYS initiated by me. i''ll get frustrated with something and either blame it on him, or take it out on him. I am the dramatic one so if we do bicker, it''s because i''ve decided we should

. Typically the pattern is: me + frustration + him being the target or part of the problem = blow up. He''ll usually just try to fix what is bothering me, or make a half-hearted attempt to defend his position (but i always win haha). If i know i am being ridiculous i''ll apologize and it''s over. If the argument is over something meaningful ( not just the house being messy etc.) we can usually discuss it without raising our voices and it''s usually over in a day.
We had more raucous fights when we were just dating in our early twenties (and the making up was more fun too

) but we are pretty boring as a married couple.i guess i shouldn''t complain.

 

[junebug17]

I''ve known my husband for 34 years, been married for 25, so yes, we have had a fight here and there! We don''t fight that often, but when we do fight we raise our voices (which is so dumb, but that''s how it is!), and when that happens we usually just go to separate corners and cool off. Then we talk about it and usually resolve the issue. Sometimes both of us just feel that we are right, so in these instances we just agree to disagree and move on. What else can you do? People aren''t always going to see eye to eye, no matter how much they love each other. Other times one of us will reluctantly give in, otherwise known as "compromise" lol. Luckily, we can usually resolve the argument for the most part, and none of our fights have carried over to the next day. I''ll be honest, there have been quite a few times when I''ve thought to myself "this guy is such a jerk", but we''ve never gotten into name calling, we''ve always been able to focus on the issue and not go for personal attacks. And I guess we''re lucky in the sense that there aren''t recurring problems in our marriage that linger and never get resolved, I can see how it would be really hard to have the same issue keep cropping up.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I like to resolve things, and thankfully DH is amenable. I think that we have not had a fight last more than an afternoon. Usually if one of us snaps and is mean or angry the other will back off and allow things to cool and then we will talk. So generally we are pretty good.

I teach a university class on close relationships and one of the things we do is watch a video about communication in relationships by John Gottman. Seriously, *very* useful if you are interested:

http://gottmancatalog.orderport.net/1450/productpage.asp?id=2795

Gottman is a very well known psychologist who has studied relationships empirically for a long time and has some really interesting things to say about fighting in particular.

 

[Kaleigh]

We don''t have too many fights. If something comes up and we disagree. I am like a lawyer going here''s where I think you are wrong.
A
B
C
D

He will address those and we will go at it till it''s resolved.

I pick my battles.

Life is too short.

I am more emotional than he is.

I do tend to clam up. I get silent if I am super pissed.

But he knows how I am and deals with me like a violin.

We never go to bed angry.

We have been married 23 years and have been together for 27.

We are stronger than ever.

Our conflicts involve a lot of humor. That''s how I roll.

I guess we bicker more than fight, my grandparents were the same way. It was all in fun.

I loved hearing them go back and forth with each other, it was sooo funny.

 

[janinegirly]

Thanks all for sharing..very interesting to read. Impressed how many of you do not have real fights, or very few!

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/28/2010 10:34:52 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I teach a university class on close relationships and one of the things we do is watch a video about communication in relationships by John Gottman. Seriously, *very* useful if you are interested:

http://gottmancatalog.orderport.net/1450/productpage.asp?id=2795

Gottman is a very well known psychologist who has studied relationships empirically for a long time and has some really interesting things to say about fighting in particular.

I really like Dr. Gottman''s work. He''s written several books about marriage, I found them to be really helpful.

I think it was Discovery who aired a series of shows about Dr. Gottman''s relationship research years ago. It was really interesting.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 2/28/2010 10:57:14 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 2/28/2010 10:34:52 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I teach a university class on close relationships and one of the things we do is watch a video about communication in relationships by John Gottman. Seriously, *very* useful if you are interested:

http://gottmancatalog.orderport.net/1450/productpage.asp?id=2795

Gottman is a very well known psychologist who has studied relationships empirically for a long time and has some really interesting things to say about fighting in particular.

I really like Dr. Gottman''s work. He''s written several books about marriage, I found them to be really helpful.

I think it was Discovery who aired a series of shows about Dr. Gottman''s relationship research years ago. It was really interesting.

He does tend t ostretch the conclusions a little... for example, his empirical work really clearly identifies what is *different* between happy and unhappy couples, but that does not mean that is unhappy couples start trying to act like happy ones they will suddenly be happy. Still, I like his style generally, and the results are good food for thought.

janine There are lots of variations in what is normal and healthy in a relationship. Some are high in conflict and some are low in conflict. It turns out that the level of negativity is not the real determinant of overall happiness. Rather is is the ratio of good to bad. In happy marriages the good things otuweight the bad 5 to 1, although how you quantify that exactly I don''t know

So frequent or high conflict is not in an of itself bad, and infrequenct conflict is not in and of itself good. It all depends on the happy times together and how those stack up against the bad. Also, something that has always struck me as a "Big ''T'' Truth" about marriage, and which Gottman and other psychologists talk about, is that the real key to a long and happy marriage is the quality of the marital friendship. It is hard to be nice to your spouse, and polite with your spouse the way that you would try to be witha friend. Its hard to be as forgiving and as accepting. With our partner''s, so much more is at stake, it is easierto be hurt and harder to take a risk and take the high road. But in the end, I always think a good rule of thumb is to try to treat a spouse at least as good as you would treat a friend. And I guess we have to really try hard at that sometimes. Easier said than done I guess. But I suppose it is worth it. Most of the time

 

[jewelz617]

Our fights are very heated but short.

We both raise our voices, sling our opinion and go to our separate corners.

And an hour later we're having a rational discussion and solving the problem.

We're both hotheads with a mean stubborn streak. This is how we roll

 

[geckodani]

DH and I do NOT fight well, and it''s something we need to work on!

I yell, and won''t let things go. I''ll gnaw on a fight until there''s nothing left. It''s not good.

DH hamstrings. He''ll go for the proverbial jugular, and say things he doesn''t mean.

We''re working on it, LOL. Still love each other, always make up etc. But we definitely need to get better at the fighting!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

We are terrible fighters. We''ve made huge strides to get better since we don''t want any bad habits to follow us into our "starting a family" years. I consider the fights we have over the past year or so to be pretty tame, however compared to some other PSers, they seem to still hover on the "severe" cusp.

D and I have been together since we were teenagers and we used to fight very "passionately". A lot of screaming, name-calling. I tore his shirt off in front of a Gap store in anger once many years ago. Just a lot of very bad, unhealthy habits. Sometimes the bad habits still creep in.

By nature, I was always more aggressive. D was patient up to a point, but after I''d been obnoxious for a bit (I tend to be sarcastic, snide and obnoxious when I''m really upset), he would hit a wall and lash out. I used to use his lashing out as a way to manipulate him. I provoke him because I''m mad, he eventually lashes out, then I make him feel bad for lashing out as a way to smooth things over. It was really bad and I can say that we are past that unhealthy type of arguing.

I am still stubborn, sarcastic and can be obnoxious, but I''m better at checking myself and apologizing immediately. D very, very rarely flies off the handle at this point and we generally try to stick to Whitby''s rules. We avoid saying anything mean or hurtful out of anger or hurt, we walk away from the argument if we feel it''s getting to the disrespectful point (this is hard for me) and we stick to the issue at hand instead of making it a personal attack or bringing up something from two months ago. We''ve been working on this for some time now and while we are getting better, we are by no means perfect (just this weekend some name-calling was a''flyin'')

I share this because I completely own that D and I aren''t good fighters and I often feel like everybody else has a better fighting style. I do think that fighting can be improved, but I know that in my experience my nature is to be more aggressive and I''ve had a hard time really changing that. Like anything, I do think it''s possible to change, but in my case it''s been challenging and I get frustrated when I regress.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/1/2010 1:14:12 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
We are terrible fighters. We''ve made huge strides to get better since we don''t want any bad habits to follow us into our ''starting a family'' years. I consider the fights we have over the past year or so to be pretty tame, however compared to some other PSers, they seem to still hover on the ''severe'' cusp.

I share this because I completely own that D and I aren''t good fighters and I often feel like everybody else has a better fighting style. I do think that fighting can be improved, but I know that in my experience my nature is to be more aggressive and I''ve had a hard time really changing that. Like anything, I do think it''s possible to change, but in my case it''s been challenging and I get frustrated when I regress.

NewEnglandLady, thank you for sharing that aspect of your relationship. I''m sure it''s not easy, but I do think it''s good that you and D have acknowledged the issue, and are working on it. Yes, sometimes those changes can take a while, but it will be worth it.

Like you, when I was younger (oh gosh, I''m only 21, lol!), I was very aggressive, and it was not a pretty sight .. I''m nothing like that now, thankfully. I''m so grateful that I worked those issues out within myself before FI and I started dating, because he definitely wouldn''t deserve that treatment. He is so calm, so patient, never raises his voice, or says anything out of anger. Honestly, being a crazy hot-head is "easier" in a way, but I just won''t allow myself to be that way. I learned that when I get upset, the best thing for me to do is to be quiet. Not necessarily give my partner the "silent treatment", but just remain quiet enough where I can really think about the issue, and speak when I''m calm.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 3/1/2010 1:44:14 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 3/1/2010 1:14:12 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
We are terrible fighters. We''ve made huge strides to get better since we don''t want any bad habits to follow us into our ''starting a family'' years. I consider the fights we have over the past year or so to be pretty tame, however compared to some other PSers, they seem to still hover on the ''severe'' cusp.

I share this because I completely own that D and I aren''t good fighters and I often feel like everybody else has a better fighting style. I do think that fighting can be improved, but I know that in my experience my nature is to be more aggressive and I''ve had a hard time really changing that. Like anything, I do think it''s possible to change, but in my case it''s been challenging and I get frustrated when I regress.

NewEnglandLady, thank you for sharing that aspect of your relationship. I''m sure it''s not easy, but I do think it''s good that you and D have acknowledged the issue, and are working on it. Yes, sometimes those changes can take a while, but it will be worth it.

Like you, when I was younger (oh gosh, I''m only 21, lol!), I was very aggressive, and it was not a pretty sight .. I''m nothing like that now, thankfully. I''m so grateful that I worked those issues out within myself before FI and I started dating, because he definitely wouldn''t deserve that treatment. He is so calm, so patient, never raises his voice, or says anything out of anger. Honestly, being a crazy hot-head is ''easier'' in a way, but I just won''t allow myself to be that way. I learned that when I get upset, the best thing for me to do is to be quiet. Not necessarily give my partner the ''silent treatment'', but just remain quiet enough where I can really think about the issue, and speak when I''m calm.

I definitely agree that being a hot-head is easier in a way. I am striving more to be quiet. Like you said, not the silent treatment (I''m incapable of being silent--if anything I explain my POV way TOO many times), but being respectful while I sort it out in my own head and think of a constructive way to tackle the issue...without telling my DH that my way is OBVIOUSLY the right way!

Sometimes I do think that a healthy fighting style is created over time. I recently learned that my own parents used to fight often when they were newlyweds. I NEVER saw them argue growing up. So Janine, I don''t think hope is lost for those of us who feel like we can fall into some bad habits. For us, I know that both DH and I recognized our roles and how we could improve and now we just work on it everytime an a disagreement arises. It didn''t happen overnight by any means, but we''re both committed to fixing it and in my heart and soul I really do think we''ll change our fighting habits for the best!

 

[janinegirly]

Thanks NEL--I appreciate you sharing and being so honest! DH and I have never had a real discussion re: fighting style and/or boundaries during ones. We don't have an excessive number of fights and in general I'm more explosive and attacking but I cool down quick and try to clean it up and move on. DH is non-confrontational and always willing to let me clean it up so we can move on... but the problem is we don't always address the underlying issue. We're busy, have a milllion things and errands to get done so life speeds ahead. We probably need to have a discussion on "fighting style" and how to make them more constructive if that makes sense. And for "issues" we can't resolve completely (ie IL stuff, just as an example), we need to respect each others styles/personalities and move on rather than use it for amunition during the next fight. We do have a child so I need to be more conscious of all of this. I'm just used to being in fighter mode from my day to day life (work, commute, finances, City people in my face, haha) and while I never bring it home to my dear little girl, sometimes tensions with DH do not get the same treatment. Anyway, you all gave me alot to think about and reflect on. I'll have to share with DH after silent treatment phase ends

 

[Sha]

DH and I don''t usually ''fight'' per se....in the sense of shouting/yelling etc. When we disagree on things we usually try to talk it over as rationally as possible. I''m in the Counselling field - so I try as much as possible to resist the natural urge to give him the silent treatment for days (sometimes I lapse, though...

, and sit down and discuss things in a non-confrontational way, usually using my conflict resolution techniques. DH also likes to talk things out - he hates it when there''s tension between us. However, when he''s angry with me he uses very ''blaming'' language and a lot of generalizations, which get me upset. Sometimes it''s an effort to remember to de-escalate the situation instead of getting more angry.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

We stick with what we''re good at, so we always follow the same steps:

One of us annoys the other.
DH goes into exaggerated politeness mode, and with just a touch of patronising, patiently explains where I''ve made a mistake.
I see red-mist in front of my eyes and lose my temper. I shout.
DH explains why I''m wrong, and re-states his position.
My anger moves up a gear.
He explains again why I''m all wrong, with gentle, calm smiles.
I move beyond mere anger.
He takes another shot at explaining why I''m wrong and runs through the actions / words that led to the dispute to prove how I''ve got it wrong.
At this point, I can either fight the urge to throw furniture or just give in to it and hurl a chair at him.
He will get a little exasperated at my lack of ability to grasp the situation and understand his explanation, so he''ll re-state it for me. Sometimes, if the explanation isn''t holding water, he will tweak the facts just a smidge to get a better fit with his assertions.
Sometimes, the neighbours have to call in at this point and stop me from murdering the little f*ckr.

One of us has to leave the locus, before it becomes a crime scene.

Later, he''ll be sorry (you bet he''ll be sorry) regardless of who was actually at fault. At that point, I like to apologise too. "Sorry you were such an a$$hole" just about sums up my remorse.

Ok, we''re having a fight right now. Does it show?

Jen

 

[zoebartlett]

My husband and I love each other very much, but we fight too. Sometimes it''s little disagreements. Other times, it''s more serious. We do tend to fight about the same things over and over again, and we never seem to solve them. I think after a while we get sick of it (fighting), we''ll agree on a solution, and then move on. Then the next time the same situation rolls around, we''re back into the same arguments. It''s stupid really.

Admittedly, we''ve both said things to each other in anger that we shouldn''t. We don''t always fight fair, and we''re trying to work on that.

My husband and I are both very stubborn, but he''s usually the one to back down first and apologize after a cooling-off period. He needs time to process things after a fight before he''s ready to talk again. If we''ve had a really bad fight, I''m the one who walks away for some time and go out alone to clear my head. We''ve given each other the silent treatment tons of times, and my husband has even made a comment before that if I''m really angry, I can go up to three days before cooling off.

I know there are better ways to fight, but I think we''re too stubborn to let go of being right and change how we do it.

Janine -- I wish I had advice for you, but we''re often in the same situation as you and your husband.

 

[somethingshiny]

We've learned how to fight through the years.

We ONLY fight at the table, both seated. (there have been times when one of us will just look at the other and say "TABLE!") I have a BIG problem with people getting in my space so the seated table fighting keeps it non-threatening.

We ONLY fight about the topic at hand. Never bring up any past behaviors.

We fight until the situation is resolved and we can hug and smile at one another. We've sat up ALL night long and have both gone to work with no sleep because our marriage is priority.

We never bring up the other's family.

We never call each other names.

We try to use the word "I" more than the word "you."


Pretty straight forward, but took us a few years to get down.


eta- We NEVER threaten divorce or say things like "I wish we weren't together" "I don't know why I married you." etc. If that was said in our house, the response would be "don't let the door hit you on the way out." And it would be final. Those things are nearly unforgivable to us. The silent treatment would be in the same vein. An adult who can't speak to their mate is entirely too childish to be in a marriage, IMO.

Also, we always tell the truth. It's the only way to lay it all on the table and get it resolved so you don't need to bring it up again.



eta2- ABSOLUTELY NO YELLING! ( do you like how I put that all in caps?!?)

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Date: 3/1/2010 6:49:06 PM
Author: somethingshiny
We''ve learned how to fight through the years.

We ONLY fight at the table, both seated. (there have been times when one of us will just look at the other and say ''TABLE!'') I have a BIG problem with people getting in my space so the seated table fighting keeps it non-threatening.

We ONLY fight about the topic at hand. Never bring up any past behaviors.

We fight until the situation is resolved and we can hug and smile at one another. We''ve sat up ALL night long and have both gone to work with no sleep because our marriage is priority.

We never bring up the other''s family.

We never call each other names.

We try to use the word ''I'' more than the word ''you.''


Pretty straight forward, but took us a few years to get down.


eta- We NEVER threaten divorce or say things like ''I wish we weren''t together'' ''I don''t know why I married you.'' etc. If that was said in our house, the response would be ''don''t let the door hit you on the way out.'' And it would be final. Those things are nearly unforgivable to us. The silent treatment would be in the same vein. An adult who can''t speak to their mate is entirely too childish to be in a marriage, IMO.

Also, we always tell the truth. It''s the only way to lay it all on the table and get it resolved so you don''t need to bring it up again.



eta2- ABSOLUTELY NO YELLING! ( do you like how I put that all in caps?!?)

I like this model SS.

 

[Smo]

Wow! After reading these post now I feel terrible about the way we fight!

I think because we are both lawyers, generally we will just debate a topic until it has been resolved but when it is something that has made both of us mad (and I admit this is pretty rare) we both will start shouting and when I get really heated I will just say something to hurt him. It is something I have really been working on because he really takes it to heart whereas I have just said something mean to hurt his feelings. The worst thing I do is to say "I hate you" (I know, very mature!

) but I am really trying so hard not to do this anymore. I know how much it hurts his feelings and he will think about it for a long time afterwards, whereas I forget that I have said it the next second as I never meant it in the first place.

I really think the biggest thing not to do when fighting is to say something in the heat of the moment just to hurt the the persons feelings. Especially if you are saying something nasty about something that the person is already super sensitive about (and you don''t even believe what you are saying) they will never forget it. Whitby''s story is the perfect example of this!

The only thing that we do try to do is never go to bed angry. I know that neither of us will sleep well angry at each other and once we have sorted the problem out, we can go to bed and make up!

 

[Allison D.]

We seldom fight, likely because we''re older and dislike drama. I think we tend to use a really liberal yardstick when deciding whether or not something is mission-critical enough to get worked up over.

When we do get into animated discussions, we don''t yell and we don''t call each other names. It''s not a conscious choice, I think it just stems from the fact that I don''t really think he''s stupid, so it wouldn''t ever occur to me to call him stupid. I don''t think he''s a jerk, so I wouldn''t call him that.

By nature, we are both problem solvers, so when we do disagree or become upset, we each want to understand where the other''s coming from and try to find a compromise that satisfies us both.

I tend to be more passionate and outspoken, so my goal is to stifle my immediate response to see if I can think of a better way to frame it. DH isn''t good with confrontation at all and his natural inclination would be to avoid it, so we had to agree going into our relationship that he''d care enough to tell me if something bothers him even though it''s not comfortable for him, and he''s committed to do it.

He''s told me that sometimes, he needs to wade through his thoughts before he can reply to something I''ve said, and I''ve agreed to let him do that. There are times we''re silent after a squabble because right now, I''m just super pissed and don''t want to be around youl. We know that it will diffuse with a bit of time, and we give each other that. We always finish the conversation, even if it''s a day later, and we are both quick to apologize.