Help after birth?

[oobiecoo]

DH will be taking a week off of work to stay home after the baby is born, but he also think I''ll need help when he goes back to work. He is wanting to ask one of his aunts if they want to come and stay and help me out but I''m not so sure.

I don''t want to upset my mother by not asking her but I think she would stress me out more than help. She also has 3 small dogs that I don''t want here right after the birth and I know she can''t really afford to board them or have the pet sitter come for a whole week. DH''s aunt is really nice and has 5 kids and a few grandkids of her own so I do think she''d be helpful but I''m just wondering if you guys feel extra help is necessary or if it was really beneficial to you once hubby went back to work. I guess my main concern is that she''d try to tell me to do things differently than how I want to parent and that I''d feel like I have to entertain her while she''s here as well as the fact that I don''t want to upset my mom by asking DH''s aunt instead of her. Any opinions?

 

[lizzyann]

Hmmm....it is a lot of work with a newborn, but is definitely manageable. Does your DH''s aunt live locally and could instead just come to visit for an hour or two each day for a week or two so that you can shower, eat something, throw in a batch of laundry etc? This way you will get some help but not have her there 24/7. For me, I appreciated help but I don''t think I would want someone there so much as you are learning how YOU want to do things and not feel pressured. Just my 2 cents!!! I am a SAHM to a one year old and my DH was home for two weeks after my son was born and then family came to visit or brought some food for me once he went back to work.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Lizzy''s idea of having her come for only a few hours is a good one. The first week post-partum my mom came and stayed with me while DH was at work and then the second week she only came for a few hours at a time. She bring me food, help around the house and watch the baby while I showered or napped. I don''t blame you on the dogs, either. My parents took ours for quite a bit after my son was born. I love them, but the baby came first and it was easier to get used to being a parent without the furballs around.

 

[oobiecoo]

DH''s aunt lives about 5 hours from here so she''d definitely have to stay with us if we wanted her help. DH''s dad and stepmom live about an hour and a half away but thats still far and stepmom probably isn''t the best candidate for help anyway.

I''m leaning towards tell him "thanks but no thanks" but still not sure.

 

[somethingshiny]

I think you''d be more stressed having someone stay with you than just taking care of everything yourself. Don''t worry about cooking and cleaning, just spend time with your LO. Your DH will help out after he goes back to work right?

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 5/7/2010 9:25:12 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I think you''d be more stressed having someone stay with you than just taking care of everything yourself. Don''t worry about cooking and cleaning, just spend time with your LO. Your DH will help out after he goes back to work right?

He''ll definitely help out with the baby once he goes back!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My mom stayed the first week (though b/c we were in the hospital for awhile she was only really there for two days) and my MIL came the second week. If was helpful b/c I could concentrate on my daughter, BFing and healing. But I do think it is doable to handle alone. Only YOU know your mom. If she is going to get resentful if you ask DH''s aunt instead of her is it worth it? Does your mom hold grudges? I personally would be VERY hurt if my daughter asked her husband''s aunt for help instead of me. Just put it into perspective.

 

[swingirl]

I would be very offended if my daughter asked her aunt to come stay with her and not me. That's a lot of gramma bonding she'd be missing out on.

If you end up having a c-section you might appreciate the help. But if everything goes smoothly you should be fine the second week. The relationship with your mother is something I would not mess with. Most moms dream of the day they'll become grandmothers.

 

[vespergirl]

When I had my first baby, DH stayed with me a few days after we got home from the hospital, but then I spent 3 weeks alone at home with the baby until my mom came to stay and help out.

I found it more relaxing to take care of the baby myself. There weren''t as many clean floors and home-cooked meals, but I had a great, peaceful bonding time with the baby & DH as a family.

Now with my second, who was just born 9 days ago, I had my in-laws stay with me for 4 weeks before the baby was born to help with my 3 year old, and my mom came to help with the new baby after the in-laws left a couple of days after we got home from the hospital.

Even though it REALLY helps to have grandparents take care of older kids with a subsequent child, I feel like I had more intimate time to bond with my baby without a house full of people.

Of course the help is great, and I really appreciate it, but for a first baby, I would rather just be home with the kid myself.

 

[lizzyann]

ditto vesper. Oobie, I''d say "thanks, but no thanks." This way no hurt feelings from your mom and you''ll have some special bonding time with your new baby. I think you''ll appreciate that alone time when you look back on it down the road. It''s nice to have people visit and help out or bring a meal, but I don''t think I''d want someone there with me all day. Congrats to you! Cherish them when they are so little, they grow up in a flash. I know everyone says that, but it is so true.

 

[AmberWaves]

I had an unexpected c-section, and my DH stayed with me for a week. My BIL (his brother) was so convinced that I''d need someone there to take care of us, and kept harassing us to have one of our moms stay with us.

To be honest, I was very possessive about our daughter, I didn''t let anyone come visit (outside of the hospital, we were there for 5 nights) until DH went back to work, or was gone, because I felt that one week was our week to bond as a family. Aside of a few quick visits, family understood that. When he went back to work, I was fine. I could walk fine, make food fine and take care of her just fine alone. To me, having people around would mean I''d have to wear a shirt (breastfeeding is so much easier when you''re not clothed), and entertain people, and despite everyone telling me to relax and they''ll take care of everything, I was like, yeah, I''m good without you. People could come by, but after an hour or so of entertaining I just got tired of it, and would wish I was alone!

 

[Mara]

honestly i would not invite the aunt if you feel like you have to entertain her or treat her like a 'guest'.

the first six weeks or so for me were just too unstable to have anyone really visit. it wasn't that the work for the baby was overwhelming, it just was more like...there is no routine or schedule so everything was kind of fly by the seat of your pants, a lot of flurry and activity, and a third party would have been more hurt than help. ITA with amber re: things like putting clothes on etc. seriously half the time i was wandering around half clothed with hair uncombed just because it felt comfy...haha. when people wanted to 'visit' it was like a big deal to have to look presentable.

i agree if she can come, or your mom can come for even an hour a day that will totally help you mentally. even just to go take a walk, or go get a coffee or run an errand, it helps to be able to know you can leave the house and someone you trust is with the babe.

my husband took 3 weeks of paternity leave which was absolutely priceless. LOVED LOVED LOVED having him around so that we three could hang out. i wished it was six weeks instead of three.

i was really paranoid about him going back even after the 3 weeks since i would have to go it 'alone', but we were fine. sure the first week was challenging by myself, but it's doable. lots of people do it and some are single moms or dads who have no other spouse. so, know that you'll be fine but it will be handy to have some help around if you need it.

 

[drk]

I''d do without and do things your way. DH was off for a week with me, then went back to his home office. He could bring me water and food occasionally during the day, but that was it. It was fine.

 

[RaiKai]

It is going to be a while before I have any babies...but in your shoes I would do without the extra help and just go it alone. As long as your DH can give you some relief when he gets home at night!

DH and I both live far from our families (6-12 hour drives) so I have no doubt there will be some visits but they will be short (DH has a 2 night rule with his own family, ha!) or they will have to stay in a hotel and visit a bit during day! No long term stays! I am very much someone who sees my home as my private alone space (with DH of course) and I think having others around would be stressful for me with a new baby. It is even without!

Reading a few of the responses on here seems to confirm that not all help is helpful at the time!

Besides, it is likely that after a few weeks I will be back at work and DH will be staying home with the baby full time so I want that time at home with baby to be our time alone.

We had this convo recently as SIL had a baby if February and MIL and other family stayed the first few days following birth and MIL and others have been driving down to stay almost every weekend since...I told DH no way that is happening when it is our turn!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Since this is your first baby, you''ll be fine! Mostly, what you may find is you need help for a few hours so you can get a nap in. DH stayed home with me for a bit after my first was born and then I got along just fine.

It was after my second was born that things turned chaotic because my older son was two and I was nursing a newborn and BY MY SELF all day long! Ehhhh! My son watched A LOT of Bob the Builder for a few months there.

My grandmother offered to help, but it was more like the "call me if you need me. . ." and she doesn''t have a car, so I''d have to pick her up and bring her over and I had had a c/s and was taking pain meds (lol)!

Don''t let anyone around who''ll stress you out. Focus on your baby and maybe ask DH to do the laundry. Also, I really recommend having about 2X as many blankets and sleepers as you think you''ll need because of the puke and the poop (sorry - TMI - but soooo true). Get the sleepers WITHOUT the feet because they last longer (even when they shrink up, they can be put on when baby wears socks).

Everything will work out fine. Just try and nap when baby naps during the day. If you plan to BF, you can even nap and BF at the same time (if you''re comfortable with co-sleeping).

 

[phoenixgirl]

I wanted/needed help, but I definitely wouldn''t have wanted someone who would stress me out.

My sister had a baby 4 weeks before me, so my mom helped her, went home, came back and helped her some more, and then came down when my daughter was born. She was going to stay two weeks, but after a week she said she thought my sister needed her more (my sister had a fussy baby, but I didn''t) and left to go help her. But a couple of weeks later, Claire hadn''t gained enough weight, and I was supposed to feed her (40 minutes), pump (10 minutes), and then feed her formula, and then begin the process all over again in an hour or two. So at that point I broke down, and my mom came back for another 5 days.

I also had a C/S, but I''m not sure that really slowed me down much except for trying to avoid going up and down stairs. Basically when we came home from the hospital, my mom did laundry, laundry, and more laundry and took care of the dishes and dinner if we wanted (though we had so many friends and neighbors drop off dinner that I think she only cooked once).

I was kind of annoyed that no one on my DH''s side offered to help when we were in the midst of the feeding/pumping/formula madness since they live locally and my family doesn''t. My MIL explained once how I was so lucky to have friends to help me because she had no one when her babies were born, and I was like, um, hello, need a little help here . . . But ultimately she would have annoyed me, I''m sure.

 

[Sabine]

I had my mom come and stay for 2 weeks. I ended up having a C/S, and I DEFINITELY needed the help! Dh could only take a week off, and we were actually in the hospital for 3.5 days, so it was only a few days at home before he went back. Plus, with the c/s, I wasn''t supposed to drive for 2 weeks pp, so my mom had to drive us to ds''s pedi. appts and my appt. to get the staples out, etc.

It might be different for you if you have friends and family who live near by who can just stop by if you need them, but we didn''t, so I definitely needed my mom. But at the same time, you want whoever is with you to be someone you are SUPER comfortable with...I mean, bfing is hard (if you plan to do it) and chances are you''ll be walking around shirtless at some point, asking for help to get LO latched, etc.

 

[TravelingGal]

I love my mom but I wanted to go at it alone. And while it was hard, I''m glad I did. I just needed time to figure things out and be cranky in the process.

Those first 6 weeks were very hard for me and no one deserved to be in the path of my wrath!

In hindsight, I think my mom would have been great and probably made my life a lot easier, but I still don''t regret it for myself. I do regret that I didn''t give her the opportunity to feel helpful.

With a second child, I would probably LOVE the help, but pretty much to help with the existing toddler.

 

[lknvrb4]

I did it by myself with with all three of my kids. I think the hardest thing to learn being a first time Mom is realizing everything is not going to get done. If your ok with leaving things be in order to spend time with your new baby then I would just tell DH no thank you.

 

[fieryred33143]

I definitely wouldn''t want dogs around but as for the extra help I would play it by ear. Some don''t need it but others do. DD was and still is an incredibly easy baby and I could have done it alone but baby blues hit me hard
My mom''s help was invaluable.

 

[Puppmom]

Oobie, I''m a bit of a control freak and MIL can be annoying enthusiastic while my mom can be annoyingly bossy. I feel pretty fortunate that DD is 15 and will be home from school for summer break still. She''ll be a great help and will take direction.

I think it may feel like a lot of work to have company for those few weeks even if you''re close to that person.