Future MIL situations

[whitejennam]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year now. His mom has an interesting personality, often expressing her negative opinions about me, rather than looking at the bright side of things. She acts very fake, even talking with me on the phone and when we see her (and is very friendly). She often tells her son of her "concerns" about me.

Not that that isn''t a situation, but recently the bf and I got a puppy. He is adorable and we love him very much. She FREAKED out, and said that she "didn''t expect it from him" so convinced him that I should be the primary caregiver. We share responsibilities, but I pay for the food and vet visits.

I''ve talked with her sister, and it seems she''s been like this since the beginning. She wants us to come and visit her (two hours away), but WON''T let us bring the dog inside....keep in mind that this is still a puppy. She won''t even let him stay in the garage without being crated ALL day! She claims it''s asthma, but I think she has psychological issues related to asthma.

What to do in this situation? She says I do not spend enough time with her, but she NEVER comes down here, and every time I go down there, she points another negative thing out about me!!!

I could bring the dog to my moms, but that defeats the point in a way...you know?

Thoughts and opinions are welcome! Thank you!!

 

[Circe]

The point being ... trumping your future MIL?

I am completely in sympathy with you re: pets - I have a cat whom I love! But, that said, I''m also v. allergic to dogs. So, if a loved one tells me that they''d love to have dinner BUT they can''t do my place, I''m understanding, since I know that visiting *my* in-laws means doubling up on Allegra and having my inhaler close to hand. Long story short? When people visit you, they choose to play by your rules. When you visit them, you have to play by theirs. SO. If your MIL comes to your house, puppster stays: if you''re visiting hers, she, you, AND the puppy will be happiest if puppy is boarded somewhere.

P.S. - Dude. Don''t compete with a potential MIL. It sets a terrible precedent. Do you want a lifetime of fussing about her? Just rise above.

 

[whitejennam]

Yes, you are completely right, that''s just hard to do with my personality, and her past of negative behavior with me. I think it would be different if that wasn''t there.

But yes, I will RISE ABOVE Thanks!

 

[swingirl]

Just a side note, I would never take a puppy to someone''s house and I wouldn''t expect anyone, friend or family, to welcome my pet to their home, garage or yard. Your pet, your responsibility. Not everyone like animals and that''s their choice on their property.

Let your BF visit his mother without you and the dog.

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 6/28/2010 10:28:22 PM
Author: swingirl
Just a side note, I would never take a puppy to someone''s house and I wouldn''t expect anyone, friend or family, to welcome my pet to their home, garage or yard. Your pet, your responsibility. Not everyone like animals and that''s their choice on their property.


Let your BF visit his mother without you and the dog.

My thoughts exactly. Puppies are crazy crazy work, you just have to give up going away for long periods of time until it is older - you can''t expect people to let you take a pee machine into their homes!

 

[whitejennam]

No, I don''t expect her to take the puppy into her home. She wants me to come visit her WITH the bf!!!, but i am sticking to MY responsibility to MY dog. She wanted me to bring him and stick him in the crate....sorry for the misunderstanding. I am trying to get her to understand that I can''t, without bringing him, so that''s why I can''t come.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

The puppy is not the issue here. The issue is that you perceive there to be a problem with MIL and how she feels about you. This could be very true or it could be imagined, it sounds like there are a lot of mixed messages and signals being sent. You''re an adult and she''s an adult. There''s no reason why you can''t go out to lunch and get to know her better or even open up a discussion about your concerns with how she feels about you. If she has reservations, then find out what they are and ease her mind. You''re better off doing this now than when you''re planning a wedding, believe me. Besides, if she really doesn''t like you as you say, then where''s the harm in confronting her about it?

 

[iheartscience]

Okay, why is your boyfriend still listening to his mommy? She convinced him you should be the primary caregiver of your dog so now you have to pay for everything?! What happens if you get married and have kids? It sounds like the more pressing issue is that your boyfriend needs to grow up.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 6/29/2010 10:51:54 AM
Author: thing2of2
Okay, why is your boyfriend still listening to his mommy? She convinced him you should be the primary caregiver of your dog so now you have to pay for everything?! What happens if you get married and have kids? It sounds like the more pressing issue is that your boyfriend needs to grow up.

Ditto! It sounds like you AND your BF decided to get a puppy. It was a mutual decision that you discussed and then acted on, correct? Then MIL hears about the new puppy and, instead of being happy for BOTH of you and asking to see the puppy (as most MILs would do in this situation), she freaks out and convinces BF that the puppy MUST have been 100% your idea because BF would NEVER want a puppy. Hence, this is suddenly only YOUR puppy and only YOUR responsibility.

It sounds like MIL is telling BF what his likes and dislikes are, and he is believing her instead of asserting his own personality, even if doing so has a negative effect on his relationship with you. If I were you, I would do some serious looking into why this is happening before this relationship goes much further.

 

[decodelighted]

Is it possible she thinks its very risky to get a pet "together" when you don''t have any commitment to each other yet? A pet isn''t something to be taken lightly. Its not "playing house" w/ dolls. I can understand her opinion that ONE person should be the pet "owner" -- and that if anything should happen to you as a couple, it would be CLEAR where the pet would go.

Its more of a commitment than living together & possibly even more of one than buying a house together. Was there a lot of planning involved in your decision? Discussions of what would happen *IF* you broke up? Because if I was his mom I''d have a lot of concerns as well & be thinking suspiciously about both of your maturity level & impulse control.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/29/2010 11:32:31 AM
Author: decodelighted
Is it possible she thinks its very risky to get a pet ''together'' when you don''t have any commitment to each other yet? A pet isn''t something to be taken lightly. Its not ''playing house'' w/ dolls. I can understand her opinion that ONE person should be the pet ''owner'' -- and that if anything should happen to you as a couple, it would be CLEAR where the pet would go.

Its more of a commitment than living together & possibly even more of one than buying a house together. Was there a lot of planning involved in your decision? Discussions of what would happen *IF* you broke up? Because if I was his mom I''d have a lot of concerns as well & be thinking suspiciously about both of your maturity level & impulse control.

This was my first thought. I''m old school and think that people should save the big commitments (pets, homes) until after they are married. I''ve seen too many ugly situations happen when they happen before marriage (and heck, let''s face it, after marriage too, but at least there''s more legal boundaries in a divorce).

Honestly, if I were his mother and learned that both of you got a dog "together" while not even dating a year, I''d wonder about the both of you - that dog will probably outlive most marriages! But since you''re paying the vet bills and food, I''d actually reckon it''s YOUR dog, not his. Because if you bought a dog together, I have to wonder why most of the financial commitment is coming from you.

 

[Morgie44]

Some people (my IL''s included) don''t like animals. It is disrespectful to force an animal, no matter how much you love it, on someone else. It is her home, if she doesn''t want a dog in her house then you need to respect that. Unless it is extreme weather, you can bring the dog and leave it outside or leave it with your mother as you stated. If she is your future MIL you should treat her with the respect that you would treat your own parents with (even if you feel they don''t deserve it). We have a somewhat similar situation. DH and I got a puppy shortly after we got married and DH knew that his parents would be upset about us getting it (even if it was just at our house). We both know how they feel about dogs/animals and would never dream of trying to bring our puppy to their house. It is just out of the question. It''s their house and their rules.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Ah! Deco and TGal bring up some good points. I missed the part where you said you''ve only been dating for a little less than a year. I''m assuming you''re living together, since you got a puppy together? Do you think an engagement is going to happen sometime soonish? I agree that getting a pet is a huge commitment, and there should be some sort of understanding in place as to what happens to the puppy if the two of you break up. I know that''s hard to think about, but you owe it to the dog to plan ahead for whatever might happen.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/28/2010 10:00:45 PM
Author:whitejennam
She claims it''s asthma, but I think she has psychological issues related to asthma.

On second thought ... I find this statement SO disrespectful. You''ve known her less than a year and you''re diagnosing her "psychological issues"? Because she chooses not to invite a dog into her house. She "claims" she has asthma?

The words Brat and Spanking come to mind. Too bad she''s not *your* mother.

 

[movie zombie]

1-i like animals.
2-no one who visits me is to bring their pets.
3-if you feel a responsibility to your puppy, don''t go.
4-its that simple.
5-if BF wants to go, don''t stand in his way.
6-if he wants to stay home so you can go, do so.
7-now is the time to define your obligations and responsibilities in this relationship.
8-BF is so influenced by mom that he changes his agreement with you?
9-his mom may feel threatened that the relationship is going to be ongoing serious evidenced by the purchase of a puppy.
10-if you think you have problems now, it ain''t nothing to what you face in the future.
11-be true to yourself and evaluate just what you want in a relationship.
12-good luck.

mz

 

[lilyfoot]

Personally, if somebody was saying negative things about me to my face and/or behind my back (and I knew about it), I wouldn''t choose to be around them.

This woman has way too much power over you and your boyfriend - which is exactly what she wants.

 

[Prana]

I agree with what everyone else said. Pets are a HUGE responsibility, and while DH and I got our dog before being engaged or married, we had been dating for 6 years at the time, and just bought a house (together). We knew marriage was a definite thing in our future, so there were no questions that needed to be answered on that front.

I think you need to sit down with your BF and have a chat about setting boundaries with is mom. Now is the time to do this. If he is serious about you, then he should have stuck with the original agreement-that this was a ''together'' dog, not ''Your'' dog.

As someone else said, a dog is a life- it is a more important purchase than a house, IMO.

Just a question, what was the purpose of getting the dog together? Did you feel that maybe owning something ''together'' would make you feel more committed? I just wonder because a lot is at stake here if things don''t work out with your current BF, and the dog will be caught in the middle. Your BF seems to have handed over the title of ''your dog'' pretty quickly when his mom showed her disaproval. Just something to think about, I guess.

And I''m thinking that his mom is completely justified in her reaction to all this. You come across as being immature, and you do not speak very highly of her...it is likely that your feelings about her come across in your interactions with her. How old are you? I ask because maybe his mother is concerned that her son will become ''trapped'' in a relationship that she doesn''t necessarily deem fit for him. Not that she should be meddling, but that''s just what mothers do

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Puppies are not like grandchildren. I do not understand why you would expect that you, your BF and the puppy all have to be there to constitute a visit. If your mom is willing to watch the puppy, that would be the best option, IMO.

I'd be really annoyed if a relative refused to visit based on the fact that he/she expected me to embrace a pet.

Even if she talks about you, that is a moot point when it comes down to the dog.

ETA - and this sounds like another one of those anonymous posts and that in itself shows that possibly realize that your decision or feelings may not be the best.

 

[monarch64]

Aside from the puppy thing (and I agree with the sentiment expressed here that it was rude of you to expect the MIL to let the dog into her house in the first place), it sounds like you are in for huge issues with your future MIL.

You said: "I''ve talked with her sister, and it seems she''s been like this since the beginning." WTH? So you and your BF''s aunt are talking about your future MIL behind her back and now you''ve decided she has psychological problems? Could it be that she just doesn''t like you and probably has good reason? If a future DIL of mine was the type of person to talk to my own sister about me, behind my back, I wouldn''t like her much either, kwim?

 

[Puppmom]

I''m going to agree and say you need to talk to future MIL and your B/F - not her sister. If you''re ever going to be able to get along with her (that is the goal, right?), you''ll have to put in some work and that doesn''t include talking ish on her to her sister.

On the puppy thing - no one is obliged to allow your pet into their home and they don''t even need a good excuse! Certainly, it''s up to you whether or not you visit knowing your dog isn''t welcome but please don''t expect anyone to allow your pet in their home. I love my dog like you wouldn''t imagine and haven''t made social visits on occasion because we didn''t want to leave him home alone for the day but would never assume that he''s welcome anywhere.

 

[yssie]

Why would she come down to visit you at your house if she's allergic to animals, and you have one?

Why would the fact that she is being firm about not wanting your dog in her house because she's allergic to animals (or because she just doesn't want your dog in her house, which is a very good reason by itself) convince you that she has psychological problems?

Maybe she wants to spend time with her possible future daughter in law, and she is concerned that you never seem to want to go down without the dog, and these are the concerns she is expressing to your BF?

Why are you talking to her sister about her?

Why would taking the dog to an alternative location (your mum's) defeat the purpose of visiting your BF's parents? Better yet, why not just hire a pet-sitter for the afternoon?