Disapproving of sibling's relationship..

[bee*]

I was going to say just say nothing to her, especially after all that has happened in the past, however after learning about the common law spouse, I'd have to say something. She mightn't listen but at least you tried.

 

[HollyS]

Well, obviously, she needs to stay away from her mother. . . . if she ever wants to keep her head screwed on straight, and make good choices in men based upon their attributes, rather than desperately seeking any relationship that might have legs, just to satisfy Mommy's expectations.

That may not be possible, really, given the cultural background of your family. But . . . I can't imagine a different outcome, with that kind of pressure, than your sister 'settling' for someone just to win her mother's approval.

So talk to your sister. Tell her you understand, that you want the right guy for her, not just any guy. And tell your mother to be quiet; yes, really. Do the right thing, not the culturally acceptable thing. Your mom is very much responsible for many of your sister's issues with men; and no fully grown woman should put up with that kind of behavior from her parents anyway.

Yeah, I know, easy for me to say, since I'm not Asian.

 

[lliang_chi]

Screw that, I am Asian, and I'd tell my mother to shove it if she was like that. (Not in those exact words, but you get the idea). But I've gone past the point of being a "good Asian daughter" long ago.

Your sister needs support and definitely help to realize her worth.

Good luck Ally.

 

[VRBeauty]

I personally would recommend to her to see a therapist. She needs an unbiased person to listen to her and be that sounding board. She has some relationship issues running waaaaaaaay too deep that you'll never get through to her.

Ditto. She's been making bad choices in men even though she wants badly to get married and start a family. Even this guy - who for all she knows is faithful to her - is not around much as much as she would (very reasonably) like, and breaks up with her at the drop of a hat. She's aware of these patterns of course, but maybe if you point them out to her she'd be willing to consider the need for counseling.

Also, please put me on the "you must tell her what you have heard about this guy" side. Personally I don't think it would be worth your while to tell her what to do with this information... it would probably just alienate her. But tell her what you've heard? Absolutely. And then, let her know that you're there for her, and leave the topic.

BTW allycat - since I did follow some of the ups and downs of your relationship pre-wedding, it have to admit that it gave me a little thrill to hear you referring to your sweetie as your husband. I'm glad it all worked out for you two!

 

[rosetta]

My sister also has very poor taste in men (never picked a decent one ever)

I stay out of it.

If it was my sister, I would write her a letter, mail it, and then forget about it. I'd expect wrath in return but ho hum. I don't want to be yelled at, so I'll just ignore her. You'll notice that I dont have time for idiots even if I'm related to them.

You may want to do it face to face, but do say something.

 

[nkarma]

Ally You know your sister best and how to proceed, or course. If you wonder where her poor self-worth comes from, I think the answer is pretty clear in your description of how your mom talks to her about her worth and value, no? I study self-esteem and relationships, and though there are cultural differences in how parents talk to their children, for example cultural differences in focusing on strengths versus improving weaknesses, and even differences in how valued self-confidence is at all (most asian cultures value harmonious relationships and respect for elders over individualistic needs like "confidence", which I am sure you know)... despite all of that, there is no culture where one is immune to hearing from your mother that there is something wrong with you that scares men away. I cannot think of a scenerio where that is going to breed a healthy sense of one's own value in a child (and I don't mean ego here, or western self-aggrandizement, either, I mean quiet core security, the type that causes you to choose the right man and expect to be treated with respect). Unfortunately, insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy -- you don't think you are worth anything, so you settle for a man who treats you poorly, which confirms your view that you are worthless. And as her sister, you are relatively powerless to help her overcome her insecurity and the bad cycle of relationships is creates, unfortunately. That is a row that people have to hoe on their own, with help, if they are lucky, from a secure and loving partner. But I do think you need to separate out your sister's insecurity from her deserving of having basic information. I cannot think it is protecting her from anything to keep information from her that her boyfriend has a common-law spouse. You have a responsibility to love her and reflect back at her the valuable person that she is, but that is not accomplished by keeping secrets. On the other hand, she is unlikely to act on the information, so perhaps just sitting back is the best thing. It is a hard place to be in, watching someone you love choose a destructive path.

This! Ally, you say she has never had any traumatic experiences but the constant barrage of critical comments from your mother is what has likely caused this. I am not Asian but my best friends are (mostly Chinese). Your sister sounds EXACTLY like my friend C down to the overbearing mother who constantly tells her she is worthless because she is not in a relationship/engaged/married. When I got engaged, she gave her a lecture about how come her friends can get engaged and she can't. Well besides these issues this girl is also very smart (engineer getting her MBA), outgoing, well travelled/read, and beautiful. She just turned 30 and now is on her 4-5th loser. Last week he showed up to one of their classes at a prestigious Business School drunk and barefoot eating peanut butter out of a jar with his hand and received a disciplinary action. Her response was just making excuses for him. After the 3rd loser, I gave up though she isn't my sister. When directly confronted on several occasions that loser #2 was cheating on her, she chose to not believe what was in front of her eyes and I expect your sister to do the same from your description of her.

My advice is to keep trying to get her into therapy. As others have stated she is way too deep for anyone else to help especially given that the divorce from a jerk hasn't taught her anything. Even if you could get your mother to stop or slow her comments, they did their damage long ago. She needs someone to talk to and get her thinking more healthy. I have another Asian friend who is doing that and I can see it working even though her issues are nowhere near as deep.

If you want to keep out of it, go for it but fully expect she will be dating men of her ex-husband caliber for the rest of her life. I really really hope she doesn't get pregnant if that is the case.