DH Debacles - Is this okay????

[Girlrocks]

Date: 10/3/2008 5:36:59 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Some of you young women are certainly a lot more tolerant of what is acceptable behavior in a marriage than I would be

You''re married, you don''t go out and get drunk. Period. Seriously if Litagator Chick had gone out with the girls, stayed out till who knows when, and been discovered passed out in the garage wouldn''t we have thought she was blowing off her marriage and on the road to ruin?

I think it''s perfectly OK to have evenings out alone with friends, but have things changed so much that getting drunk with them and showing up at the homefront after midnight has become adult behavior

I always had a good time, had a couple of cocktails, and then said to my friends ''well you guys have fun now, I need to get home to hubby''.

My mind is boggled.

Huh????? While I certainly do not condone drinking until the point of being totally snockered, DH and I both go out with our friends without each other. We have been together 15 years, married 10 and have 4 kids, and our marriage is definitely not in trouble. I have a girls night out once a month.

LitigatorChick, I don''t think it''s anything serious. I can understand you being angry because you were worried about him all night. But I would just let it go, I bet he feels bad about it anyway.

 

[purrfectpear]

I don''t think you read my post correctly. It if fine to go out with your friends. It is fine to go out and drink with them. It is not fine to become pass-out drunk. If you think it is then you have a different view of responsibility than I. The inability to remain sober enough to make responsible decisions is not pretty whether you are married or not.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Yikes, DH and I have mutual respect for each other, and although we both go out with friends on occasion, he is always courteous enough to come home at a decent hour, and he''s never not let me know when he''s going to be late. I would be worried sick if I woke up in the morning and he wasn''t there.

I see major cause for concern with a few of your comments. One, that you had no idea when he actually arrived home, and two, that you didn''t know why he chose to sleep in the car, and three, that you didn''t stop to talk to him about his behaviour before you left.

Talk to him - not us. Good luck!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Further information obviously required.

My DH goes out drinking about 3 nights a week. He is ridiculous drunk about once a week. He fails to come home until 6 or 7 about once a month.

I got more information later - he in fact had his keys, and cannot recall either sleeping in the car or why he did so.

My comment was annoyance with him. This is more of the same and I wanted him to move so I could go to work.

Counselling - great idea!!! Anyone have any idea how to make a 32 year old man go to counselling, either with me or alone? I''ve asked, he has refused. I go on my own.

Input?

 

[KimberlyH]

Between what you just shared (Rip roaring drunk at least once a week? Not coming home at least once a month?) and past issues you''ve shared on PS about your husband and your marriage it is definitely time for the two of you to seek counseling of some sort. I wouldn''t ask. Very calmly I would tell him it''s necessary for the sake of your marriage. I wouldn''t focus on what he''s doing being wrong, I would frame it in the context of how his affects you, your marriage, and your son. If memory serves your child is about 2; is this the sort of example you want to be set for him as to what a man/husband/father is and does? That might be part of my approach, depending on how attached he is to the idea of being a good father.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Since he won''t go to counseling, I believe you need to find out whether he''s going through more stress at work than usual or whether something has him worried. You definitely need to get to the real cause of why he''s drinking to the point of passing out and emphasize what Butterfly 17 said.

 

[princesss]

One of my BF''s earliest memories of his father (if not his very first) is his dad chugging a beer, throwing the bottle on the ground so it shattered, and driving off.

Please, for the sake of your son''s relationship with his dad, get into counselling, and realize that you may have to remove your son from a potentially dangerous situation if this keeps up. I''d also suggest AlAnon meetings for you so that you can talk with people who have been in similar situations and see how they''ve come through them.

 

[Lauren8211]

I hate to say it, but for me, this would be ultimatum time.

Getting that drunk once a week is unacceptable, whether you''re 18 and single or 32, married, with a child. There''s obviously some addictive tendencies here that seriously need help.

For me, it would be "You get help, or we leave."

Obviously you need to do what''s best for your son, and a lifetime of drunk daddy can''t be good. Time to see what is more important, you and your son, or his night''s out.

Is there anyone else who has an influence on him that could help him help himself?

 

[isaku5]

Date: 10/6/2008 10:18:14 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I hate to say it, but for me, this would be ultimatum time.

Getting that drunk once a week is unacceptable, whether you''re 18 and single or 32, married, with a child. There''s obviously some addictive tendencies here that seriously need help.

For me, it would be ''You get help, or we leave.''

Obviously you need to do what''s best for your son, and a lifetime of drunk daddy can''t be good. Time to see what is more important, you and your son, or his night''s out.

Is there anyone else who has an influence on him that could help him help himself?

ITA. There is no way either you or your little boy should have to put up with this.

Why don''t you go to a couple of counselling sessions on your own to see what the counsellor advises.

If it turns out that he''s still unwilling to go because he thinks it''s your problem, not his, then I would be researching places my son and I could go. Do you live close to your parents? Is staying with them temporarily a possibility?

I know this will be tough for everyone concerned, but something''s got to happen very soon. Your DH''s problems are severe. I''m so sorry...

 

[Dreamer_D]

That kind of drinking would be a deal-breaker for me, persoanlly. It sounds like a possible problem for him, as binge drinking can often be the start of a bigger drinking problem.

Only you can really decide whether or not this is a make-or-break issue for you. Combined with all the other stuff, it may indeed be ultimatul time.

 

[littlelysser]

LG - Simply stated - it sounds like your DH is an alcoholic or is flirting with alcoholism. One of my good friend's husband had similar behaviors...He'd pass out in the train on the way home from the city, having no recollection of doing so...It happened once ever few months. She then started looking around their house and found vodka bottles hidden everywhere.

After a long and difficult time, which almost resulted in divorce, he went to rehab and has been sober for the past three years.

My point is that your DH's behavior is not normal, or really, acceptable.

And at the risk of being harsh, I think you need to ask yourself why you are with him.

I understand that we only get one side of a story here on PS, but based on what you've said, he refuses to get any counseling, he provides you absolutely NO support when dealing with his unreasonable, awful parents and even takes THEIR side over yours, he goes out drinking without you on a regular basis, gets incredibly wasted at least once a week, and STAYS OUT ALL NIGHT once a month. That is just totally unacceptable!

He does not seem like a good person and certainly doesn't seem like a good roll model for your son.

 

[bee*]

Ok reading your updated post, things are not ok. Going out three times a week is not good, especially when he has a wife and a child at home. As elledizzy said, at this stage I''d nearly be going with the ultimatums. The fact that he won''t go to counseling with you, would really piss me off. He should be trying to work for his family instead of going out boozing. I really feel for you LC. I hope that everything works out for you.

 

[diamondfan]

LC, there are two people in this marriage.

I do not know your or your hubby, but based on what you have posted in the past I feel somewhat comfortable saying there are serious issues in your marriage and he is not okay. Doesn't come home 6-7 days a MONTH? Drunk three times a week, excessively so once? He is a married professional with a child, not a frat boy. (and even then that type of drinking is the sign of addiction issues) I mean, I would not tolerate this. He has not been supportive of things that are important to you, i.e. with the in laws, and something is clearly up. I would NOT classify this as normal or reasonable or acceptable, I would not want to live with it nor would I want my kid around it. I would talk to him to see why he is doing this, something is obviously going on.

Counseling is not the end all but boy I would try. I would TELL him for the sake of your marriage having a chance he MUST go. He is really on a self destructive path. How does he work? Aren't you out of your mind with worry when he is not home, knowing he is DRUNK and out there on the roads, where he could hurt himself or someone else? I would tell him he needs to go not just for you and your son but himself. He also needs alcohol counseling.

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit if he is not willing. This is very serious in mho. Show him you mean business and will not expose you or your son to this behavior. He is little now, Miller, but he won't always be. I would not want this around my child.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

This sounds very much like my father when I was very young and yes, he was an alcoholic. When I was about 5, my mom sauid enough was enough after a really bad arguement and threatened to walk with my brother and I and meant it. When faced with the reality of losing his family, my father went to rehab and has been sober ever since, for almost 20 years now. My point is, if it does turn out that is the problem, there really is hope if he gets help

 

[sbde]

LC: sorry you are going through this - i have no real advise on ths issue but wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.


diamondfan: just to clarify - i think she meant he doesn''t come home til 6 or 7 am about once a month (not that he doesn''t come home 6-7 times a month). still not acceptable by any means.

 

[diamondfan]

I was reading fast but even once a month is bad.

 

[sbde]

Date: 10/6/2008 12:07:22 PM
Author: diamondfan
I was reading fast but even once a month is bad.

i agree

 

[vespergirl]

You know, my husband did something stupid like this once, when we were newlyweds and I was pregnant. He plays golf with his boss every Fri. after work, and one Fri., a few months after we moved to a new townhouse, his boss called me and said that DH had too much to drink on the golf course, and was so drunk that he couldn''t speak, so obviously he was going to drive him home. I was so mortified, but then it got even worse - the boss asked where we live - DH couldn''t remember our new address, and his driver''s license still had the old address on it, so the boss was calling me for directions.

When he brought him home, I thanked the boss profusely, but because DH was so drunk, he just went straight to bed. When he woke up he was mortified, I read him the riot act, and he called his boss to thank him and apologize. I was afraid he would lose his job, but he''s been working for this guy for 10 years, and his boss was the one feeding him drinks, so he said all was forgiven, not to worry about it, he knew that it was totally out of character for my normally very responsible husband. He has actually received a promotion and a couple of raises since this happened, so thank goodness it didn''t end up affecting his career in the long term.

But, he did realize the extreme stupidity of his actions, apologized profusely to everyone, and has NEVER done anything like that again. I chalk it up to the fact that we had just gotten married, I was pregnant, and he was dealing with a lot of life changes. Plus, he overdrank by accident, and hasn''t done it again since, so that shows me that he learned his lesson. But if he did something like that ever again, he knows that it would be very seriously wrong.

I guess the moral of this is if it was a one-time thing, give him the chance to apologize and make it up to you. If this has happened more than once, though, or if it becomes a pattern, then you have cause for concern.

 

[dragonfly411]

I think you can''t help those who aren''t willing to help themselves. Your hubby''s habits are unhealthy, and unless he''s willing to seek help, you aren''t going to be able to change it. He sounds borderline alcoholic, and it sounds like he has some underlying issues going here. I definitely think you need to sit down and have a long talk with him. Don''t be accusing, but DO point out that you are worried about him and his behavior and you are also worried about how it is going to affect your son.

I''ve only seen my SO completely drunk TWICE.... EVER. Once he was dealing with some issues with us being on a break and was upset and we mended things together and he realized how dumb it was, and was just an outlet for his being upset and we worked together to find ways to communicate and make things easier. The other was for his cousin''s twenty first birthday (

) Boys will be boys in that case. Otherwise, he rarely drinks and usually if he does he only has maybe 4 at the most (and this being at football gatherings or cookouts.

Drinking on occasion is one thing. Getting drunk now and again, it happens. But to go drinking 3 times a week, get drunk, and not come home REGULARLY is not healthy and it is not ok. It shows a lack of respect for you and your son, a lack of respect for his vows to you, a lack of maturity, a lack of responsibility, and I really think it shows underlying problems. And it certainly won''t get better unless you say something...

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/6/2008 8:53:15 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Further information obviously required.

My DH goes out drinking about 3 nights a week. He is ridiculous drunk about once a week. He fails to come home until 6 or 7 about once a month.

I got more information later - he in fact had his keys, and cannot recall either sleeping in the car or why he did so.

My comment was annoyance with him. This is more of the same and I wanted him to move so I could go to work.

Counselling - great idea!!! Anyone have any idea how to make a 32 year old man go to counselling, either with me or alone? I've asked, he has refused. I go on my own.

Input?

SO and I are both social drinkers, so I might be a bit more lax than some people on here-- but even for us, what you described is both excessive and worrisome.

And in light of that, refusing counseling in a situation like this is unacceptable. I agree with those who said it's just about ultimatum time.

There is a big problem here. Either he's willing to work on it (via counseling) or he's not. And if he's not, then how much longer are you willing to stick around and put up with this? Marriage is a two-way street.

I'm sorry you are going through this, at any rate. I'm glad to hear that you are in counseling alone. What does your counselor think about all of this?

 

[oobiecoo]

I know you aren''t supposed to "threaten" your spouse/bf/etc with leaving... but in this case I would (because it wouldn''t ONLY be a threat). There is no way I would allow my husband to go out and get persnickered 3 nights a week. He needs to grow up... this isn''t college. He is setting a bad example for his child and being a lousy husband. It has to be affecting his work as well. I would tell him to go to counseling if he cares to deal with it, otherwise... I''m outta there!

 

[Girlrocks]

In light of the additional information you provided, I change my vote...no, this is not OK. If he won''t go to counseling, then you can go by yourself and get some professional advice before you make any decisions. I''m sorry you and your son are going through this.

 

[purrfectpear]

My sympathy for what you''re going through LC. As an attorney, I don''t have to tell you the steps you should be taking right? Protect your finances, NOW.

At this rate he will be unemployed soon, could be faced with a DUI (though it sounds as though he knows better than to drive), and the long term prognosis for the marriage isn''t great

Basically he is getting drunk 12 out of 30 days.

Of the 12 drunks, he is stupid drunk 4 times a month.

Of the 4 he doesn''t show up until early am, 1 time a month.

So in a year, he will have spent 144 days drunk.

And some of you think he might be an alcoholic

You deserve a big hug my dear. Time to start making plans.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 10/6/2008 11:59:45 AM
Author: diamondfan
LC, there are two people in this marriage.

I do not know your or your hubby, but based on what you have posted in the past I feel somewhat comfortable saying there are serious issues in your marriage and he is not okay. Doesn't come home 6-7 days a MONTH? Drunk three times a week, excessively so once? He is a married professional with a child, not a frat boy. (and even then that type of drinking is the sign of addiction issues) I mean, I would not tolerate this. He has not been supportive of things that are important to you, i.e. with the in laws, and something is clearly up. I would NOT classify this as normal or reasonable or acceptable, I would not want to live with it nor would I want my kid around it. I would talk to him to see why he is doing this, something is obviously going on.

Counseling is not the end all but boy I would try. I would TELL him for the sake of your marriage having a chance he MUST go. He is really on a self destructive path. How does he work? Aren't you out of your mind with worry when he is not home, knowing he is DRUNK and out there on the roads, where he could hurt himself or someone else? I would tell him he needs to go not just for you and your son but himself. He also needs alcohol counseling.

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit if he is not willing. This is very serious in mho. Show him you mean business and will not expose you or your son to this behavior. He is little now, Miller, but he won't always be. I would not want this around my child.

Ditto every word and every word of PurrfectPear.

 

[MMMD]

LC: So sorry you are going thru this - it sucks. I''ve read a lot of your other posts and you are a smart accomplished woman so you know things aren''t okay or normal. To answer your first question - yes men go through tough times and "midlife crisis" and they are common. I had trouble with my DH when he went into crisis after our 2nd daughter was born (at that time he was 37 and we had been married 15 years.) He was scared of where his life was going (my DH is a great provider but he hates working, hates the pressure) We are six years removed from this and it took A LOT of patience from me. He refused to go to counseling because he didn''t want to change. And you are right you can''t make your DH go. The counselor that I saw told me that all I can change is my behavior. So I did, I started my own company and became financially independent of DH. Once he saw that I could make it on my own, he wised up (plus pressure was off for him to make all the $$) saw a doctor, went on medication and is much, much better. He didn''t really like the person he had become.

I''m not advocating telling your husband that he can''t go out and have fun with his friends and colleagues but 3 times a week is excessive. Especially when you have a working wife and 2 year old at home. He''s not in college anymore.

I sincerely hope that your DH comes around to a place where he is feeling better. I also hope that he gets to a place where he can discuss with you what''s bothering him and what you two can do together to get your lives back on track.

Good luck.

 

[diamondfan]

As I said, I have girls nights. Hubby tends to not have guys nights, as he is super busy and his free time he wants with us. But he works into the evening and has dinner meetings often, so that is when I go with my gals. I have a glass of wine or a cosmo. I do not get drunk. Anyone who needs to drink to that excess that often is an alcoholic. No one is saying he cannot go have some fun. No one is saying he cannot have a beer or even two. But he is endangering people and showing himself to be very self destructive and this is not okay.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

LC, I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this. I think it''s great that you are in counseling, even though he has refused to go with you. You going to counseling by yourself is a good habit on your part.

I''ve been through a similar scenario with my XH, only instead of alcohol it was drugs. He pulled the same stunts . . . getting high all the time, staying out all night without calling me, etc. Finally, enough was enough. I told him that, either he cares enough about me and our marriage to go with me to counseling, or he doesn''t. And if he doesn''t, we''re done here. He did agree (grudgingly) to go to counseling, and I think it was helpful to an extent. Ultimately, we did end up divorcing of course, but I think we''re the exception rather than the rule. I think marriage counseling is usually very helpful to most couples. The only reason ours didn''t work is because he refused to put in the work that was necessary.

I do think it''s time for you to give him that ultimatum. But you have to mean it. Make sure you''re ready to follow up if he says "no" to the counseling.

Again, I''m so sorry. I know how hard this is. ((((HUGS))))

 

[princesss]

Ditto PP.

I've got several friends in AA, and they all give one of either two definitions of an alcoholic.

1) An alcoholic is somebody who needs to drink. Not somebody who likes to, not somebody who enjoys they occassional drink. They need to. It's a problem solver. They turn to it when they should be turning to loved ones. (It's important to remember that drinking doesn't have to be daily, though it often is.)

2) An alcoholic is somebody who cannot set a limit on their drinking, and if they try, they fail to stop at the limit. Even one drink, even once: the inability to say no is the first step, and a part of every other step along the way.

Hopefully your husband will realize what he is risking, but that may only happen if you are strong enough to leave him. I'm not trying to encourage you to leave, and I take marriage vows very seriously. This is not your fault, but your son deserves a safe environment to grow up in, and unfortunately an active alcoholic is not fit to provide that. (Obviously a sober, recovering alcoholic is not included in this statement.)

*****BIG HUGS*****

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 10/6/2008 8:53:15 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Further information obviously required.

My DH goes out drinking about 3 nights a week. He is ridiculous drunk about once a week. He fails to come home until 6 or 7 about once a month.

I got more information later - he in fact had his keys, and cannot recall either sleeping in the car or why he did so.

My comment was annoyance with him. This is more of the same and I wanted him to move so I could go to work.

Counselling - great idea!!! Anyone have any idea how to make a 32 year old man go to counselling, either with me or alone? I''ve asked, he has refused. I go on my own.

Input?

Sweetie, you have a serious problem here. I''ve been in this situation - luckily I didn''t have a child and I wasn''t married (although I was too stupid to walk away).

Make an appointment for yourself with Al-Anon - you are going to need their help in a big way.

Your husband IS an alcoholic - no doubt about it - and you are going to need as much help as he will.

Al-Anon will help you to deal with a partner with an addiction and how to help him without hurting yourself.

I wish you luck.

 

[partgypsy]

Personally I don''t think you need to be asking us if this is ok. You need to be talking to your husband about this.