Anyone here NOT having kids?

[Patchee]

Absolutly NOT having children what so ever, never a thought for either of us. Not in the cards.

I will admit that DH and I are selfish. Totally.

I like to pick up my undies, hop in the car and go. I cannot be strapped down to a kid.

I like resturants, I like fishing, I am an avid horse person. A kid could never fit in that mix.

On date #3, DH and I discussed children, it was a nay for both of us. This was 6 years ago.

No thoughts of this have changed.

What I do not like is going out to a resturant and screaming kids are sitting at the next table.

Going to a typical retail store, searching through the rack and there is Mom yelling at the kid to get off the floor.

Not for me.

 

[October2008bride]

I think the whole ''selfish'' argument is so interesting - my god mother and father don''t have kids and I would actually say they are incredibly selfless - they are constantly doing things for others. However, I don''t think it is the fact that they don''t have kids that makes them anything - it is who they are.

You know what I think is selfish? Having kids by your own choice and then expecting the world to revolve around you to the point where you get upset that everyone doesn''t want to drop everything to babysit your little ones so you can have a break. Ahem. I speak from personal experience, clearly. My mom and my sister butt heads about it - my sis thinks that my mom is selfish for not taking the kids off her hands more to give her and her husband a break, and my mom thinks that she has ''put in her time'' with us and is now taking time for herself.

I''ll be honest though, although I rarely see happy parents, when you do see them it is refreshing. My sister does love being a mom and her and her husband thrive on it.

I just think that being a mom/dad takes a lot of sacrifice and hard work, and if you don''t truly absollutely want children, you will resent them for all of the ''sacrifices'' and ''hard work''.

But if I don''t have kids, is that selfish? No way. I think I am doing right by my unborn/mythical children by not having them if I don''t absolutely want them. It would be unfair of me otherwise I''d think.

Sad part is (and this shows how we are on the fence) is that I think that if we had unlimited funds, I would be more apt to consider having a child. The idea of juggling kids and a career seems so daunting that it is weighing heavily in on my decision to possibly not have kids.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/21/2009 1:06:14 PM
Author: october2008bride
I think the whole ''selfish'' argument is so interesting - my god mother and father don''t have kids and I would actually say they are incredibly selfless - they are constantly doing things for others. However, I don''t think it is the fact that they don''t have kids that makes them anything - it is who they are.

You know what I think is selfish? Having kids by your own choice and then expecting the world to revolve around you to the point where you get upset that everyone doesn''t want to drop everything to babysit your little ones so you can have a break. Ahem. I speak from personal experience, clearly. My mom and my sister butt heads about it - my sis thinks that my mom is selfish for not taking the kids off her hands more to give her and her husband a break, and my mom thinks that she has ''put in her time'' with us and is now taking time for herself.

I''ll be honest though, although I rarely see happy parents, when you do see them it is refreshing. My sister does love being a mom and her and her husband thrive on it.

I just think that being a mom/dad takes a lot of sacrifice and hard work, and if you don''t truly absollutely want children, you will resent them for all of the ''sacrifices'' and ''hard work''.

But if I don''t have kids, is that selfish? No way. I think I am doing right by my unborn/mythical children by not having them if I don''t absolutely want them. It would be unfair of me otherwise I''d think.

Sad part is (and this shows how we are on the fence) is that I think that if we had unlimited funds, I would be more apt to consider having a child. The idea of juggling kids and a career seems so daunting that it is weighing heavily in on my decision to possibly not have kids.

FI has said the same thing. I told him unequivocally that if we had the money for one of us to stay home, it would have to be him.

 

[Patchee]

October2008Bride wrote:

I''ll be honest though, although I rarely see happy parents, when you do see them it is refreshing. My sister does love being a mom and her and her husband thrive on it.

__________

Anit that the truth sister! It seems like once a couple had kids they no longer work on their relationship, their lives are generate soley on their child now. And for anyone who thinks I am nuts for saying this then why, oh tell me why do parents say once their kids are grown then they can focus on their marriage AGAIN? Heck, by then it''s too late

not the same people anymore who stopped giving at rats about their marriage once the kids came into play.

October08'' I also agree with you how when kids are born these mothers thinks that other people should babysit their kids so they can get "their time" etc. You stopped getting your time the day you made that kid. I have no respect for people who think they are the only one with a kid and 2) think others should chip in to what you did - had the kid.

 

[jstarfireb]

Never wanted them, and I don''t think I ever will. I would consider adoption if I got the urge, but husband doesn''t like the idea.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 8/24/2009 10:22:35 AM
Author: Patchee
October2008Bride wrote:

I''ll be honest though, although I rarely see happy parents, when you do see them it is refreshing. My sister does love being a mom and her and her husband thrive on it.

__________

Anit that the truth sister! It seems like once a couple had kids they no longer work on their relationship, their lives are generate soley on their child now. And for anyone who thinks I am nuts for saying this then why, oh tell me why do parents say once their kids are grown then they can focus on their marriage AGAIN? Heck, by then it''s too late

not the same people anymore who stopped giving at rats about their marriage once the kids came into play.

October08'' I also agree with you how when kids are born these mothers thinks that other people should babysit their kids so they can get ''their time'' etc. You stopped getting your time the day you made that kid. I have no respect for people who think they are the only one with a kid and 2) think others should chip in to what you did - had the kid.

Are parents REALLY this miserable about their kids?? I''m not SURE if I want children or not (though I''m leaning towards thinking I want to)...and comments like these really scare me! Will I be one of ''those moms'' who resents having children because of my loss of freedoms, etc.??

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/24/2009 9:50:24 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777

Date: 8/24/2009 10:22:35 AM
Author: Patchee
October2008Bride wrote:

I''ll be honest though, although I rarely see happy parents, when you do see them it is refreshing. My sister does love being a mom and her and her husband thrive on it.

__________

Anit that the truth sister! It seems like once a couple had kids they no longer work on their relationship, their lives are generate soley on their child now. And for anyone who thinks I am nuts for saying this then why, oh tell me why do parents say once their kids are grown then they can focus on their marriage AGAIN? Heck, by then it''s too late

not the same people anymore who stopped giving at rats about their marriage once the kids came into play.

October08'' I also agree with you how when kids are born these mothers thinks that other people should babysit their kids so they can get ''their time'' etc. You stopped getting your time the day you made that kid. I have no respect for people who think they are the only one with a kid and 2) think others should chip in to what you did - had the kid.

Are parents REALLY this miserable about their kids?? I''m not SURE if I want children or not (though I''m leaning towards thinking I want to)...and comments like these really scare me! Will I be one of ''those moms'' who resents having children because of my loss of freedoms, etc.??

Parents of young children tend to extol their virtues and tell you how wonderful and fulfilling they are. You almost have to find a teen parent to hear something different. Parents of grown children thing they are great, unless they have had difficult children, or estranged ones. Mostly though, the parents that I see don''t SEEM happy. They are grumpy and always complaining about their kids, they seem stressed, they snap at their spouses, they resent each other. It''s not that people tend to resent and regret their kids in the end, they just sacrafice the relationship with their partner... some reparably, some irreparably.

 

[Patchee]

Newsboy - I am not a parent (only to horses and cats)

so I can ONLY tell you what I see from an "outsider" looking in on parents/kid relationships.

Most all my friends have kids, young kids and more than one. Will they tell you they regret having kids? Not a chance. But do they in the sence regret freedom to thrive within their marriage and other outside freedoms? Yes, they do.

It is a give for give that is why the topic of parenting is so opinionated. It''s either you give 110% to your children or not. If an inkling of you says no I am not ready to give that 110% then you are not ready for children.

Kids deserve a chance and we need kid production for our future or we will be exstinked (how do I spell that) like the dinasour (imagine that?) It is a HUGE choice...

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 8/20/2009 4:11:38 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
So I''m curious for you ladies in the ''no baby'' camp--do you ever fear your spouse would change his mind? Is it a dealbreaker for you?

My aunt and uncle split over the opposite reason - he decided he didn''t want to be a husband or father. While she was giving birth.

My cousin has little contact with his dad, thankfully the guy''s parents stepped up, realzing what a dummy their son was and were great grandparents to him.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I feel the same way as well. We''ve been together 12 years and I''ve always heard you will change your mind. Well, I''m working on 30 - haven''t changed my mind! I did want kids, when I was younger, but now I realize I''m not sure I do, and he doesn''t. I do feel pressured, and I do wonder if I will regret it waaaaaaaaay down the line, like when I''m 70! But who knows, right?

 

[radiantquest]

We are not having children by choice. He had a daughter from a previous relationship and she is a pain in the you know what. She is 13. We decided that we only have a few more years and then we are free! We decided to keep it just us so after she moves out we can do whatever we want.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I have a 3 year old son from my prior marriage. I can''t imagine my life without Miller. He is the best part of my world and I wouldn''t trade having him for anything.

My FI and I won''t have any more kids though. I know my limits and my little monkey is more than enough!!!

Having a child is a huge responsibility and life-long commitment. I am very proud of people who don''t bend to social pressure and decide not to have a child because they don''t want to. It is a shame when people have children and then don''t want them and resent them - so unfair to the child.

 

[Xedoc]

I''m a bit baffled by the types of people some of you seem to know too well. Yes, there are professional, responsible people who don''t like being "tied down" by a family lifestyle, but I strongly believe that is the minority. There''s nothing wrong with their decision and they shouldn''t feel pressured by others, but no one should base their feelings on the matter by someone else''s life. We can all wait longer to be "more financially ready" to have kids, but then everyone would wait as long as possible, and for some couples, 35 is physically too late. The point is, if you''re responsible, you make it work. Yes, you may not have that new BMW next year and need to hold off on that yearly vacation to Hawaii, but if you are having a child, you do make it work - just like a relationship you love. It''s about being responsible with what you have, not waiting forever for the time to be "right" when that time may not let you have a choice anymore.

Many of my friends and coworkers have kids, and although they understood the personal sacrifice in having children, they placed the enjoyment of the kid experience far beyond their own concerns for their own personal desires. Of the few dozen couples I''m close with who have kids, I only know of one couple that isn''t in happily wedded bliss with children. The look on their face as they see their child learning, interacting, saying the darnedest things, performing in a school play, getting the game-winning hit in little league baseball, bringing home the report card with great grades, seeing their happiness on Christmas morning, giving them the love that they enjoy giving their spouse, showing them the world on family vacations, seeing them get excited & nervous over high school dating, sending them off to college, watching them contribute to the world, then being able to be more of a friend than a parent once they''re an adult..

I''m sure there are professional, responsible couples out there miserable with the decision with kids, but I sure that they''re the minority of voices making sure that everyone knows how much they don''t like the choices they''ve made in life. You''re not going to hear as much from those who love being parents, where the difficult times are far outweighed by the wonders and joys of the process of raising kids and seeing them become responsible adults.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/26/2009 12:36:43 PM
Author: Xedoc
I''m a bit baffled by the types of people some of you seem to know too well. Yes, there are professional, responsible people who don''t like being ''tied down'' by a family lifestyle, but I strongly believe that is the minority. There''s nothing wrong with their decision and they shouldn''t feel pressured by others, but no one should base their feelings on the matter by someone else''s life. We can all wait longer to be ''more financially ready'' to have kids, but then everyone would wait as long as possible, and for some couples, 35 is physically too late. The point is, if you''re responsible, you make it work. Yes, you may not have that new BMW next year and need to hold off on that yearly vacation to Hawaii, but if you are having a child, you do make it work - just like a relationship you love. It''s about being responsible with what you have, not waiting forever for the time to be ''right'' when that time may not let you have a choice anymore.

Many of my friends and coworkers have kids, and although they understood the personal sacrifice in having children, they placed the enjoyment of the kid experience far beyond their own concerns for their own personal desires. Of the few dozen couples I''m close with who have kids, I only know of one couple that isn''t in happily wedded bliss with children. The look on their face as they see their child learning, interacting, saying the darnedest things, performing in a school play, getting the game-winning hit in little league baseball, bringing home the report card with great grades, seeing their happiness on Christmas morning, giving them the love that they enjoy giving their spouse, showing them the world on family vacations, seeing them get excited & nervous over high school dating, sending them off to college, watching them contribute to the world, then being able to be more of a friend than a parent once they''re an adult..

I''m sure there are professional, responsible couples out there miserable with the decision with kids, but I sure that they''re the minority of voices making sure that everyone knows how much they don''t like the choices they''ve made in life. You''re not going to hear as much from those who love being parents, where the difficult times are far outweighed by the wonders and joys of the process of raising kids and seeing them become responsible adults.

Typically, I hear parents extolling the virtues of parenting, not the other way around. I''ve met a handful of parents who said if they could do it again, they could take or leave their kids. (yes, people with adult children, 18+) I''ve met some that raised their siblings, (literally, after being orphaned) and they, along with their other siblings decided not to have kids. Everyone has a different story. You don''t judge whether having kids are a good idea by listing all of the wonderful moments, you have to take the good with the bad. For some the good wins, for others, the bad wins. We really lose nothing when couples decide not to have kids... so it''s a pretty easy decision to respect.

 

[MagsyMay]

This topic always fascinates me, as do the arguments in favor of or against, and the passion with which each side "argues!"

I am in the "no kids" camp, firmly, always have been as long as I can remember. My FI is as well, and I could not picture marrying someone who wasn''t as firm on this as I am. I am almost 28, and FI is almost 33, so we''re not "young" by any means. Of course things can change, but I don''t think they will for us. I think there''s a real sense of "reverse discrimination" against couples that choose not to have children. The "selfish" argument irks me every time I hear it. But I also think it''s selfish to have children to please others, family members, societal pressure, etc. without fully exploring the implications it will take on your life and those around you. I don''t think one should have children just because they might regret it later, or because "well what will you do when you''re old" as I often hear!

I recently finished a book that explored this topic somewhat, as well as career implications/pressures for women. It is called "Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World" by Peggy Orenstein. I found it extremely interesting and thought I would mention it here for anyone interested!

 

[Xedoc]

Date: 8/26/2009 1:18:41 PM
Author: trillionaire
You don''t judge whether having kids are a good idea by listing all of the wonderful moments, you have to take the good with the bad. For some the good wins, for others, the bad wins. We really lose nothing when couples decide not to have kids... so it''s a pretty easy decision to respect.

I stated already that there are plenty of reasons having kids makes life more difficult, but my point is that for nearly everyone I know, there''s no way they would take away all the great moments to not have to go through the more difficult times.

As for "we really lose nothing when couples decide not to have kids," tell that to the western European countries and Japan how they like their declining educated labor forces - as more responsible & intelligent people choose not to have kids, the quality of the labor pool declines. It''s a serious problem for many countries and those knowledgeable in social geography understand it well.

I do respect the decision of those who know they don''t want kids, but to try to dissuade someone who is on the fence about it with horror stories without having the multitude of wonderful families voice their opinion isn''t exactly unbiased. To simply state that nothing is lost when responsible people don''t have kids - that''s already a proven error in logic for the western world. The educated population declines are very worrisome, and I''m not talking about a need for population growth (the world doesn''t need MORE people), I''m talking about sustaining a steady population with good people to maintain the work force of a country. Just the replacement factor requires the average couple to have 2.1-2.4 kids to sustain a steady population - what happens when the only majority producing this average number are not responsible people?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/26/2009 2:59:14 PM
Author: Xedoc

Date: 8/26/2009 1:18:41 PM
Author: trillionaire
You don''t judge whether having kids are a good idea by listing all of the wonderful moments, you have to take the good with the bad. For some the good wins, for others, the bad wins. We really lose nothing when couples decide not to have kids... so it''s a pretty easy decision to respect.

I stated already that there are plenty of reasons having kids makes life more difficult, but my point is that for nearly everyone I know, there''s no way they would take away all the great moments to not have to go through the more difficult times.

As for ''we really lose nothing when couples decide not to have kids,'' tell that to the western European countries and Japan how they like their declining educated labor forces - as more responsible & intelligent people choose not to have kids, the quality of the labor pool declines. It''s a serious problem for many countries and those knowledgeable in social geography understand it well.

I do respect the decision of those who know they don''t want kids, but to try to dissuade someone who is on the fence about it with horror stories without having the multitude of wonderful families voice their opinion isn''t exactly unbiased. To simply state that nothing is lost when responsible people don''t have kids - that''s already a proven error in logic for the western world. The educated population declines are very worrisome, and I''m not talking about a need for population growth (the world doesn''t need MORE people), I''m talking about sustaining a steady population with good people to maintain the work force of a country. Just the replacement factor requires the average couple to have 2.1-2.4 kids to sustain a steady population - what happens when the only majority producing this average number are not responsible people?

I also stated that most people I know love their kids and are happy that they have them, which is great. And research also shows that parents are less happy than their counterparts with no kids, (if you are the type to believe research) and demonstrates that parents will try very hard to justify the sacrifices that they make for their kids by extolling their virtues. I see little to envy in parent''s lives, personally, and apparently others feel the same way, which is fine too. No one here is claiming to be unbiased, this is a thread about people that DON''T WANT KIDS! If you are on the fence, and not sensible enough to get both sides of the story, well, that''s a personal issue. There are no bullies here, just people who want their lifestyle choice validated. Childfree by choice folks are treated a bit like social pariahs, which is unfair.

Further, having less education does not make you less responsible, nor does having less income. Not having kids is a trade off. Declines in population rates in individual countries, but better for the global environment, which effects us all. Fewer high education/class folks having kids serves to decrease the perpetuation of wealth/class advantages, making true meritocracy more possible, which is an overall good. Decreases in social class stratification is an improvement. Think abouit this... in the US, private colleges are now 30-50K per year. If fewer upper class folks could afford to pay the tuition, we would see alternative solutions for education BEYOND massive school loan indebtedness. If the average family is making 50K and most students are getting federal grants, it would be necessary to re-imagine the system. Having fewer people stimulates a different kind of creativity and innovation, just like populations surpluses do. It is only when people resist change and rely on old methods to continue to support systems that we run into trouble. Change is constant. Adapation is constant, too.

Lastly, people feel a biological imperative to reproduce. We were DESIGNED this way, to perpetuation the population. So yes, the average person is going to want progeny, and the average person will sufficiently bond with said progeny and be emotionally invested in them. I get that, it makes sense. It takes a pretty strong minded person to override a biologically designed impulse to produce, so yeah, the people that feel that way are going to tend to feel strongly about it, and express themselves accordingly.

 

[radiantquest]

It seems to me that this is going back to people saying they wouldn''t give up their kids. Of course most wouldn''t! I met a lady once since I work with the public and she said that although she loves her kids to pieces and would do anything for them, they ruined her life. I believe that to be true for some and not for others. Some believe that kids are what makes their life, their life. I, and many others don''t feel that we need kids to complete our lives. I know that there are alot of great things that go along with having kids as one poster mentioned. Anytime a parent mentions the not so great aspects of having children they are looked at as ungreatful. To me I would rather not be broke, sleep when I want, go places as I please and not worry about where someone else is and what they are doing for the rest of my life!

When I think of the future and how I want to spend it I honestly don''t want to be hustling everyday from work to soccer practice, to cheerleading practice, school plays, field trips and the like. I would rather spend my life relaxing as much as I can with the man that I love more than anything and vacationing, bettering myself personally and enjoying life. Some may call that selfish. Yes, it is. I am selfish. I want to live my life. Not spend the rest of it building some elses.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/26/2009 5:01:59 PM
Author: trillionaire
I also stated that most people I know love their kids and are happy that they have them, which is great. And research also shows that parents are less happy than their counterparts with no kids, (if you are the type to believe research) and demonstrates that parents will try very hard to justify the sacrifices that they make for their kids by extolling their virtues. I see little to envy in parent''s lives, personally, and apparently others feel the same way, which is fine too. No one here is claiming to be unbiased, this is a thread about people that DON''T WANT KIDS! If you are on the fence, and not sensible enough to get both sides of the story, well, that''s a personal issue. There are no bullies here, just people who want their lifestyle choice validated. Childfree by choice folks are treated a bit like social pariahs, which is unfair.

I know that many people in society push people to have kids and I totally get why you feel the need to be defensive about your decision-but don''t you see that it makes it worse by forcibly trying to tell people that parents are really unhappy deep down? Of course parents are then going to jump down your throat about how wonderful kids are because you essentially just told them that they are lying to themselves and made a poor decision about having kids.

To tell someone that they are not sensible enough to get both sides of the issue simply because they don''t agree with some of your points is just as bad as the people telling you that your decision is a bad one.

Why don''t you just tell people "It''s not for us" and leave it at that? I don''t understand why you need to justify your life decision to people who are insensitive enough to tell you that they think you made a poor choice. If they are the ones laying judgement on you be the bigger person! You know you are making the right decision for your family which is all that matters.

 

[kama_s]

I am definitely on the fence. Here''s the deal for me: I LOVE children. I am really good with them as well. I look at wee lil ones in the park or at a restaurant and I''m smitten. I have pretty much single-handedly brought up my little brother, and I''d like to think I''ve raised him well. Because of this, people (wrongly) assume that I would be dying to have my own progeny.

But, I am deathly terrified of having one of my own. Parenting is a huge responsibility, no doubt. I am just not sure if I have it in me to be able to not just be a mother, but a good mother. Partly, my hesitation stems from the fact that I did not have a good relationship with my mother. My childhood was a big hazy ball of pain. Same went with my mother''s childhood, my grandmother was very self-centered, selfish and mean. While it seems the women have, with each generation, become more grounded, I really do want to break this cycle. I do not want to bring a child into the world, not knowing if I would be able to raise the child well and give the child a nice, loving childhood.

Secondly, I am afraid that despite us being good parents, we might raise a child who is either unstable, uncaring, thoughtless or otherwise a menace to society. We know several wonderful families with 2-3 children of which one child has either gotten into serious trouble with the law, or caused much heartache for the parents; while the remainder of the siblings grew up to be educated, mature and caring individuals. So, despite having very similar nature+nurture (i.e., genes and environment), there is a possibility of raising a child to be an awful adult. I just finished reading a book titled ''We need to talk about Kevin'' which is about a mother recounting the life of her son, who at the age of 16 murdered several of his class-mates. She tells how from the very first day of birth the child was evil, shrewd and emotionally inept. And it''s not as though the kid came from a back background - there was no flaw in the parenting, they lived in a great neighborhood, the child did not fall into bad compnay. So what guarantee do I have that I will raise a well grounded individual?

Can you tell how conflicted I am?

 

[Abril]

Date: 8/19/2009 12:05:59 PM
Author: AsscherNut
Oh btw, I'm marrying a white guy....if I were to marry another Asian-I would probably be forced to bare children one way or another!

Bare. Ha. Homophones. Gotta love 'em.

 

[allycat0303]

I''m on the fence too. I really, really WANT to WANT children, but just thinking about it makes me curl up in distaste. For many reasons. First of all, my life is crazy, and I can barely take care of myself. I don''t know how I would manage it. I have NO desire to be pregnent. And I don''t like babies. I don''t find them cute, and I don''t get the urge to cuddle them. My husband wants children. We''ve discussed it over and over, and he has always said he wants to be with me more then he wants children. I''m open to the idea though. And I am willing to compromise, so we''ll see how I feel. What I''m REALLY afraid of is that I wake up when I am 40 years old and decide I HAVE to have children, and then it''s too late.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/30/2009 9:43:09 PM
Author: allycat0303
I''m on the fence too. I really, really WANT to WANT children, but just thinking about it makes me curl up in distaste. For many reasons. First of all, my life is crazy, and I can barely take care of myself. I don''t know how I would manage it. I have NO desire to be pregnent. And I don''t like babies. I don''t find them cute, and I don''t get the urge to cuddle them. My husband wants children. We''ve discussed it over and over, and he has always said he wants to be with me more then he wants children. I''m open to the idea though. And I am willing to compromise, so we''ll see how I feel. What I''m REALLY afraid of is that I wake up when I am 40 years old and decide I HAVE to have children, and then it''s too late.

Ditto

I feel like I should have children rather than really wanting them. My SO is on the fence too but I believe it''s different for men as they can naturally have children even when they''re old and grey.

 

[winelover23]

So I know I''m off my thread but thought I''d chime in since I''m a divorcee w/ a child and am now a LIW...

I am 32 years old and have a 3-1/2 year old daughter from my first marriage. I didn''t want kids. I had my daughter to basically conform to the norm (oooh I''m a poet) and because my evil ex was very good at manipulating me into doing whatever he wanted. Even when I was pregnant I was totally freaked because honestly I''m not a mushy, touchy, huggy, kid type person. However after 26 hours of labor, 3 hours of pushing only to end in an emergency c-section I can seriously say I''d do it all over again twice a month if those were the requirements to have my daughter. That being said, I do think I''m the exception and I completely respect people that don''t want kids. It''s absolutely a personal choice and I don''t think anyone should be condemned for wanting them or not wanting them. However I do feel that some of the opinions are without merit. All parents are NOT miserable and not ALL marriages fall by the wayside because of having kids. I was a completely single Mom for the first year after my divorce and yes it was HARD but I wasn''t miserable by any means! Whatever I did she did. We traveled, we went out to restaurants, we played, we shopped... Also, I''ve done a ton of reading about parenting/step-parenting and the best thing I''ve read is that basically couples with kids need to put their marriage first and then everything else will fall into place. Now that I''m with my current BF (someday husbad) I absolutely want another one. Perhaps it''s my age and perhaps it''s who I''m with, either way I know I won''t be miserable!

 

[galvana]

DH and I are NOT having kids. We are getting dogs.
first one comes next month! she''ll be 7.5 weeks old then!

 

[jstarfireb]

Date: 8/30/2009 9:43:09 PM
Author: allycat0303
And I don''t like babies. I don''t find them cute, and I don''t get the urge to cuddle them. My husband wants children. We''ve discussed it over and over, and he has always said he wants to be with me more then he wants children.

Big fat ditto on ALL counts! I thought I was the only person in the world who didn''t like babies or children. Everyone else who doesn''t want them says something like "sure, I LIKE kids, but I just don''t want my own." Well...I unabashedly do not like children! And it''s nice to be able to say that (hopefully) without being judged and called a horrible person because of it.

Incidentally, my husband also wants them, but we came to the same sort of agreement. When he proposed, I made sure he had come to terms with the very strong possibility of not having kids.

 

[ficklefaye]

oh i''m glad i found this thread, i am almost certain i don''t want children, FI wants kids but he knows that by marrying me that he most likely will not have any and he''s accepted that, he loves me more than the idea of having children

luckily my sister already has my little nephew so she''s satisfied my parents'' desire to be grandparents, my mom even told me that if i decide not to have a kids, that she doesn''t even care

all the married people i know have children, some are happy, some are not, actually i only know of one couple who didn''t have kids, and members of my family always feel sorry for them, like poor them, they never had kids, but i''ve never felt sorry for them, they''ve travelled the world and you can tell they are still very much in love even in their older years, just because they didn''t have kids doesn''t mean their marriage was a failure, unfortunately some people think that of them

i''m not the most spontaneous person, but i don''t want to have kids for all the wrong reasons, like oh, it''s what people do and i don''t want to resent my kids because i couldn''t do this or travel there

 

[LilyKat]

I''m not a newlywed, so I hope you don''t mind me barging in! I also don''t want children. I never had the desire, but felt that having children was something you just had to do as an adult - like filing your taxes. Unpleasant but necessary.

It''s only since being with my current boyfriend, who also doesn''t want children, that I''ve realised not having kids is a genuine life choice, and it''s been such a liberating feeling. I think it''s wonderful that other people out there have such a drive to have and raise children - the human race would die out without it! - I''m just glad I don''t have to be the one to do it

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 9/2/2009 7:55:11 PM
Author: jstarfireb

Date: 8/30/2009 9:43:09 PM
Author: allycat0303
And I don't like babies. I don't find them cute, and I don't get the urge to cuddle them. My husband wants children. We've discussed it over and over, and he has always said he wants to be with me more then he wants children.

Big fat ditto on ALL counts! I thought I was the only person in the world who didn't like babies or children. Everyone else who doesn't want them says something like 'sure, I LIKE kids, but I just don't want my own.' Well...I unabashedly do not like children! And it's nice to be able to say that (hopefully) without being judged and called a horrible person because of it.

Incidentally, my husband also wants them, but we came to the same sort of agreement. When he proposed, I made sure he had come to terms with the very strong possibility of not having kids.

I'm glad you have the guts to be completely honest

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/29/2009 12:02:57 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 8/26/2009 5:01:59 PM

Author: trillionaire

I also stated that most people I know love their kids and are happy that they have them, which is great. And research also shows that parents are less happy than their counterparts with no kids, (if you are the type to believe research) and demonstrates that parents will try very hard to justify the sacrifices that they make for their kids by extolling their virtues. I see little to envy in parent''s lives, personally, and apparently others feel the same way, which is fine too. No one here is claiming to be unbiased, this is a thread about people that DON''T WANT KIDS! If you are on the fence, and not sensible enough to get both sides of the story, well, that''s a personal issue. There are no bullies here, just people who want their lifestyle choice validated. Childfree by choice folks are treated a bit like social pariahs, which is unfair.

I know that many people in society push people to have kids and I totally get why you feel the need to be defensive about your decision-but don''t you see that it makes it worse by forcibly trying to tell people that parents are really unhappy deep down? Of course parents are then going to jump down your throat about how wonderful kids are because you essentially just told them that they are lying to themselves and made a poor decision about having kids.


To tell someone that they are not sensible enough to get both sides of the issue simply because they don''t agree with some of your points is just as bad as the people telling you that your decision is a bad one.


Why don''t you just tell people ''It''s not for us'' and leave it at that? I don''t understand why you need to justify your life decision to people who are insensitive enough to tell you that they think you made a poor choice. If they are the ones laying judgement on you be the bigger person! You know you are making the right decision for your family which is all that matters.

The bolded part is based on the conclusions from research studies of parents and non-parents. Research also suggests that non-parents are ''happier'', but parents are more ''fulfilled''. These are not my opinions, you can look up research on the topic too, if you are interested. (as I stated previously, research is subject to critique, so conclusions should be taken with a grain of salt) Parenting is a big decision, and serious minded people will want as much information as possible before making their decision, which includes the non-fuzzy stuff. I have never said that having kids is a poor life decision, nor have I insinuated it.

I highly doubt you would suggest that future parents should just tell people ''we just want kids,'' you would let them prattle off all of the reasons that they wanted kids. It is not different for people of a different opinion, even if it''s a less popular opinion.