Advice: Mom with a drinking problem and TTC

[aprilcait]

I love my mom, we talking almost every day, and we get a long great. The problem? My mom has a drinking problem, DH and I are TTC, and my mom wants to be an involved grandparent. I haven''t told my mom that we''re TTC, but she has made it clear in conversations that she really wants to be an active figure in her grandchildren''s lives. I love that about her and I truly want her to be involved, but I don''t want to endanger my future child by placing him/her in the hands of a woman I 100% know will get drunk when taking care of him/her over night or in the evening. I''m not sure how or even when to address the issue with my mom. Do I do it now, wait until the child is born, wait until she asks to take care of the child overnight? Do I get my dad, sister, and aunts involved to do an intervention? Should I do it casually and one-on-one? Should I just never have my child(ren) stay with my mom in the evening or over night to avoid bringing it up?

If you''re interested in some background information, here it is (if you''re not, that''s fine too). My mom''s back story: she grew up in a gregarious Irish Catholic family and witnessed her father''s daily routine of unwinding with a whiskey after work, the family viewed alcohol as a requisite at any family gathering, she was brought up with an appreciation for a good Irish Coffee, etc. Her father wasn''t a "bad drunk" but alcohol was significant to him... alcohol was a part of life.

The routine: as soon as my mom starts cooking dinner, out comes the white wine and a wine glass. After dinner, she''s drunk-dialing friends and sloshing her way through any next-day preparations. I can''t even count the number of times my sister or I wound up cleaning up after her... guiding her up to bed after she fell asleep in a half-standing position face planted on the kitchen counter, cleaning up food she left sitting out all night after a post-drink nosh, taking care of our disabled brother because she was far too hammered to do it, etc.

Even though my mom''s drinking problem has been brought up to her by various family members many times over the years, she never acknowledges the problem. If the amount she imbibed is brought up, she says (without fail): "I''ve only had one glass of wine"... yes, it''s one glass but it''s been refilled numerous times. If her inebriated state is mentioned, she says: "I''m just tired". If anyone says she has a drinking problem, she vehemently denies it and says that she neither has a dependency nor an addiction.

If you''ve read this far, thank you! Any help or advice we be immensely appreciated.

 

[QueenB29]

Oh aprilcait--I''m so sorry. That''s a terrible situation to be in. I think I would wait until you''re pregnant, and when she offers to take care of the baby, say in no uncertain terms that you want your kids to be close to their grandmother, but that you simply cannot tolerate ANY drinking around your children. I would probably do it one-on-one with her first, and if that doesn''t work, stage that intervention. Then, at least at first, don''t leave her alone with your baby, make sure your dad or your sister or an aunt is there to to make sure she doesn''t drink.

Maybe you or your dad can also talk to her doctor? Or your dad should insist she go to counseling?

I''m really sorry you''re going through this. I hope this help. I don''t have any situations like this in my family, so I can''t speak from experience. Good luck on the TTC and with your mother.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 7/31/2009 11:15:06 AM
Author: QueenB29
Oh aprilcait--I''m so sorry. That''s a terrible situation to be in. I think I would wait until you''re pregnant, and when she offers to take care of the baby, say in no uncertain terms that you want your kids to be close to their grandmother, but that you simply cannot tolerate ANY drinking around your children. I would probably do it one-on-one with her first, and if that doesn''t work, stage that intervention. Then, at least at first, don''t leave her alone with your baby, make sure your dad or your sister or an aunt is there to to make sure she doesn''t drink.

Maybe you or your dad can also talk to her doctor? Or your dad should insist she go to counseling?

I''m really sorry you''re going through this. I hope this help. I don''t have any situations like this in my family, so I can''t speak from experience. Good luck on the TTC and with your mother.

I totally agree. It is not worth risking your child''s health/life to leave him or her in your mother''s care. Your mother needs to get help first, get recovered and start living a "normal" life before she should be trusted to care for a child. Good luck on your TTC journey!

 

[April20]

I''m so sorry you have to deal with this. My opinion is if you feel you need to address this, do it NOW. Do not wait until the situation is more complicated- i.e. you have a child and have to refuse letting her watch him/her. I grew up with alcoholism in the family and understand how incredibly stressful it can be and the pit of anxiety you feel in your stomach every time you have to deal with it. Recovery for alcoholics, if they want to recover, is a long and bumpy road with lots of challenges and often setbacks along the way. It takes the entire family to support it. You really can''t do this own your own. I''d talk with your family and get a group consensus on how to handle it and do it sooner rather than later. In the long run, you can only hope your mother appreciates it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 7/31/2009 11:36:16 AM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Date: 7/31/2009 11:15:06 AM
Author: QueenB29
Oh aprilcait--I''m so sorry. That''s a terrible situation to be in. I think I would wait until you''re pregnant, and when she offers to take care of the baby, say in no uncertain terms that you want your kids to be close to their grandmother, but that you simply cannot tolerate ANY drinking around your children. I would probably do it one-on-one with her first, and if that doesn''t work, stage that intervention. Then, at least at first, don''t leave her alone with your baby, make sure your dad or your sister or an aunt is there to to make sure she doesn''t drink.

Maybe you or your dad can also talk to her doctor? Or your dad should insist she go to counseling?

I''m really sorry you''re going through this. I hope this help. I don''t have any situations like this in my family, so I can''t speak from experience. Good luck on the TTC and with your mother.

I totally agree. It is not worth risking your child''s health/life to leave him or her in your mother''s care. Your mother needs to get help first, get recovered and start living a ''normal'' life before she should be trusted to care for a child. Good luck on your TTC journey!

Maybe giving her a chance to recover while your TTC may best help her. She''ll find motivation if you give firm notice that unless she stops drinking, she won''t be able to care for your child overnight.

Sorry you''re going through this. Best of luck.

 

[cara]

Of course as a parent your first job is to protect your child and keep her out of harms way. That means no unsupervised visits with grandma, period, with no guilt on your part. Whether you tackle telling this news to your mother now or later when it is more relevant is up to you, but I think preparing yourself now for these unfortunate conversations is a good idea. As your mother is likely to show just as much denial as she has at previous conversations.

You might consider some conversations with a professional (or maybe going to a group like Al-Anon) to get some perspectives, support, and advice. Especially if you want to muster your family members for a more formal intervention attempt. While ultimately your mother gets to decide whether to try for recovery or not, if a well-done family intervention can help her decide that way then some professional advice on how to confront her and how to approach your other family members on this issue might be very useful. Lifesaving even. Good luck, and I''m so sorry you are stuck in this position.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think the sooner you lay it out there "sorry Mom, but you will never be alone with the grandkids because you drink. It''s not about whether you think you have a problem, or it''s just one glass, it''s not going to happen until I know there will be NO alcohol period. None, zip, nada. I''m telling you this now so you can work on it if being with the grandkids is important to you".

Then sit back and either watch her go into denial and pretend you didn''t even say that, watch the fur fly, or watch her seriously consider what you said and offer to support her in her effort to change.

Bummer that you are stuck like that, but I commend you for realizing that the kids safety has to come first. You''d never forgive yourself if she put them in the car for a trip to the grocery store.

 

[Lilac]

I agree with everyone else. Bring it up now. Explain that you won''t feel comfortable leaving your child with her until she stops drinking. That means stops drinking ANY alcohol. Maybe that will get her to recognize that she needs to change if she ever wants to take care of her grandchildren and she will have time to change while you are TTC and before you have a baby.

If she doesn''t change, I would never let her stay with your children alone. It''s just not worth the risk of her accidentally harming them in some way as a result of her drinking problem.

This is a tough situation - I''m sorry you have to deal with this

 

[somethingshiny]

I completely understand and I''m sorry. People who haven''t been in this situation have no idea how difficult it is.

My mom and dad are both drunks. I mean I love them both dearly, but they''re just about worthless come evening. I grew up with it all and knew that I wouldn''t want a child around it.

My parents knew when we were TTC and I tried to talk a bit about what I expected of them as grandparents, more my mom than my dad. My mom got completely offended and acted like I had no right to even suggest that she not drink if she was responsible for the baby because "of course she wouldn''t drink."

Actually during my pregnancy I was involved in outright physical confrontations with my mom and my dad so I knew the severity of the situation.

We had our perfectly healthy son and both my parents came to the hospital. (he''s 3.5) A change began in each of them. They really do take their grandkids into consideration. That being said, my mom has never watched my son past 5pm. and never had him overnight. Although they seem to have made strides in the right direction they are still drunk every night and I don''t think they could handle an emergency for themselves let alone a child. My mom has made comments about wanting JT overnight (and my dad) but I''ve told them no. Not unless they can be sober. Of course that is WAY too much to ask so they''ve never followed through.

Even though they aren''t sitting and spending nights, they''re still able to be involved as grandparents. My mom and JT (and the rest of the kids) have planted a pumpkin patch and take care of it together. JT loves to water my mom''s plants and take tractor rides with my dad. They can have a full relationship without being solely responsible.

SO, my advice is:

-Bring it up if and when you''re comfortable. You may bring it up several times over the next several months. I think an intervention at this point is not going to work. Your mom will just feel attacked and possibly take out those feelings on you and or your child. I would only speak with her casually. Tell her what you hope for their relationship and what you''re not willing to tolerate.
-Know that there will probably be no change and don''t be offended by it. A person will only stop if they see the problem and want to change it. It should be that the arrival of a child is enough of a reason, but those of us who haven''t had an addiction will never know the true thought processes.
-Come up with alternate methods of involvement and put boundaries up.
-I would not allow the baby/child to be at grandma''s if she''s solely responsible and drinking. You may have a way around this if you feel that you can trust another member of the household. But, then you have to take into consideration your mother''s behavior when she''s drinking. Is there anything she says or does that you really don''t want your child around regardless of who else can be responsible?



Personally, I knew that my parents weren''t going to change and worked around it. It is possible and JT never knew the difference. He gets to see my parents during the day and DH''s parents usually in the evening. He doesn''t know why, he just knows that he gets to see all of his grandparents regularly.


And just for reference: the alanon motto is "you can''t change an alcoholics actions, you can only change your REACTIONS."


Good luck to you on TTC and working this out.

 

[MonkeyPie]

somethingshiny, good for you for sticking to your guns even after several years. I''m glad they are at least trying.

aprilcait, this sounds like a tough situation, but you have to do what is best for you and your future kids. I would bring it up now, and then let her know again when you are actually pregnant - you never know, this could be just the push she needs to clean up.

This reminds me of that CSI episode with Hilary Duff - the dad was a drunk his whole life, until his daughter had a baby, and then he cleaned up just for her. Never had another drink the entire time she was alive. (I won''t go into the rest - you can look it up online if you want to watch it, it might help.)

 

[aprilcait]

Wow, thank you all for your solid advice! I really do appreciate all of the encouragement and insight.

Maybe this will be the push my mom needs... or maybe it won''t do anything at all. At least she''s getting the chance to decide: grandkid(s) or wine.

I hate to tell her that it''s an all or nothing situation, and would much prefer to say: "You can drink when your grandkid isn''t at your house, but you please do not drink when he/she is in your care." She is an adult, for goodness sakes. However, I am pretty darn certain that she''ll wind up drinking "one glass of wine" thinking: what can one glass of wine do?

You are the best

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/31/2009 2:05:24 PM
Author: aprilcait
I hate to tell her that it''s an all or nothing situation, and would much prefer to say: ''You can drink when your grandkid isn''t at your house, but you please do not drink when he/she is in your care.'' She is an adult, for goodness sakes. However, I am pretty darn certain that she''ll wind up drinking ''one glass of wine'' thinking: what can one glass of wine do?

You will realize very quickly once you have kids that it NEEDS to be an all or nothing situation. I would never ever ever leave my kids unsupervised with someone who denies having a drinking problem. She needs to come clean completely AND be in recovery for a long while before I would even consider leaving your kids unsupervised with her.

Being involved with them isn''t a problem-but being unsupervised with them is a major problem.

Good luck hon-trust me once you have your kids you won''t feel so bad about the situation! You''ll turn into the fiercest mama bear around and just want to do anything to protect your kids whenever you can.

 

[Circe]

I love my dad, but my dad won''t be allowed to babysit: he''s not an alcoholic, but as a Russian dude in his late 60s, he thinks of vodka as a right, and not a privilege. He smokes like a chimney, he has a tendency to fall asleep unexpectedly ... I''d trust him with *my* health and well-being 1000%, but I''d be nervous with my baby. And I think he''ll get why, once we have to have The Talk: there will be some grumbling about, "What, you think I''m old?" but at the end of the day, the baby is his top priority, too.

Even if your mom denies that she has a drinking problem (and I sincerely hope that she does not, and that this will be the push she needs to admit it and get into treatment), she''ll have to honor the fact that you just want what is best for your baby. I say have the talk sooner rather than later, to give it time to sink in, and to let her know how strongly you feel about this. I''m just seconding all the good advice that you''ve already gotten.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I am very sorry that you''re in this situation. Not quite the same, but my mother-in-law''s live-in boyfriend is an alcoholic. In our case, we don''t live anywhere near them, so we only see them once a year or so. He''s also sober now since he''s on the liver transplant list.

It sounds like you''re resolved to not let your child be unsupervised around your mom, esp. at night. I would encourage you to keep that resolve- as a former child protective investigator (the people who investigate child abuse and remove kids from homes), I can tell you that you could get into trouble for knowingly leaving your child with your mom while she was drunk. I don''t want to sound all doom and gloom, but hopefully that knowledge will strengthen you if you need it.

Good luck!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I think you got some really good advice here. All you can do is stick your ground and let her know it you are not OK with her watching your baby unsupervised. Only she can decide of she wants to get help or not. Many times, it takes motivation for them to even think about stopping (loss of job, loss of spouse, loss of trust). I think holding your ground will not only keep your kids safe, but will be the best thing you can do to help her realize she has a problem.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 7/31/2009 2:45:24 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 7/31/2009 2:05:24 PM
Author: aprilcait
I hate to tell her that it''s an all or nothing situation, and would much prefer to say: ''You can drink when your grandkid isn''t at your house, but you please do not drink when he/she is in your care.'' She is an adult, for goodness sakes. However, I am pretty darn certain that she''ll wind up drinking ''one glass of wine'' thinking: what can one glass of wine do?

You will realize very quickly once you have kids that it NEEDS to be an all or nothing situation. I would never ever ever leave my kids unsupervised with someone who denies having a drinking problem. She needs to come clean completely AND be in recovery for a long while before I would even consider leaving your kids unsupervised with her.

Being involved with them isn''t a problem-but being unsupervised with them is a major problem.

Good luck hon-trust me once you have your kids you won''t feel so bad about the situation! You''ll turn into the fiercest mama bear around and just want to do anything to protect your kids whenever you can.

Ditto!

I would really suggest going along to Al-Anon for some support and advice. I spent 7 years living with an alcoholic who just had ''the one pint'' so I know some of what you are dealing with. Unless they want to change they won''t and I don''t feel that addicts can be trusted with responsibility for anything much and certainly not my child.

Trust me, once that baby is in your arms you won''t want them near any potential danger. It''s freaky how strong that feeling is.

 

[packrat]

Excellent advice, and I..what am I, #8/9? I''ll ninth the other ladies about talking to her now. I can''t imagine being in that position (both you and somethingshiny), so kudos for taking charge of the situation beforehand.

Those protective mommy feelings are mighty powerful-once I had my first, I understood the stories of moms lifting cars off their kids and doing other amazing feats.

 

[House Cat]

April,

I'm sure you are aware that alcoholics have a whole set of toxic personality traits, even when they are sober. If you really think about mom, I'm sure you will see. Are these behaviors something that you want your child exposed to without your protection?

If it were me, mom wouldn't be allowed to be around my child without my supervision, period. Afterall, I would need to behave as a shield and devise a quick escape when manipulative behaviors surfaced. Alcoholics are all about me, me, me. I wouldn't want any emotional pressure put on my child to soothe grandma for any reason. This will come up at some point. It will look like guilt, "why won't you give gramma a hug today?" sad face, or anger, or withholding, just because the child is being a child. Then it gets worse. This isn't healthy behavior. She won't allow your child to have normal boundaries. So you will have to be prepared to set them for your child.

I would insist that she get treatment if she wanted to be a part of my child's life. Treatment looks (to me) like:

30 day in patient program
AA forever
Ongoing therapy to explore why she started drinking in the first place

No less.

I was raised around addicts. I've never lived with addicts who have the level of denial that your mom is inflicting upon you, so that is new to me. I think though, that you will do what is right for your child. I would address it as soon as possible though. Your mom has a lot of work to do. She needs time to do it. But, don't be disappointed if she doesn't rise to the occasion. She might not have it in her. At that point, you might have to accept how very ill she is.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/31/2009 1:11:19 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think the sooner you lay it out there 'sorry Mom, but you will never be alone with the grandkids because you drink. It's not about whether you think you have a problem, or it's just one glass, it's not going to happen until I know there will be NO alcohol period. None, zip, nada. I'm telling you this now so you can work on it if being with the grandkids is important to you'.

Then sit back and either watch her go into denial and pretend you didn't even say that, watch the fur fly, or watch her seriously consider what you said and offer to support her in her effort to change.

Bummer that you are stuck like that, but I commend you for realizing that the kids safety has to come first. You'd never forgive yourself if she put them in the car for a trip to the grocery store.

Ditto, she has a choice, get sober or have limited contact with her grandchildren, if she is drinking she must not be left alone with them full stop. She has an illness and at this stage you don't dare trust her to not drink, if she still hasn't admitted there is a serious problem and sought help by the time you do have children then it is simple, you can't afford to take the chance - the urge for her to drink could easily win if she has a child in her care because she is an addict. Also being an active grandparent IF she does work at getting sober doesn't have to mean she has your child overnight anyway.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 8/2/2009 11:03:35 AM
Author: House Cat
April,

I''m sure you are aware that alcoholics have a whole set of toxic personality traits, even when they are sober. If you really think about mom, I''m sure you will see. Are these behaviors something that you want your child exposed to without your protection?

If it were me, mom wouldn''t be allowed to be around my child without my supervision, period. Afterall, I would need to behave as a shield and devise a quick escape when manipulative behaviors surfaced. Alcoholics are all about me, me, me. I wouldn''t want any emotional pressure put on my child to soothe grandma for any reason. This will come up at some point. It will look like guilt, ''why won''t you give gramma a hug today?'' sad face, or anger, or withholding, just because the child is being a child. Then it gets worse. This isn''t healthy behavior. She won''t allow your child to have normal boundaries. So you will have to be prepared to set them for your child.

I would insist that she get treatment if she wanted to be a part of my child''s life. Treatment looks (to me) like:

30 day in patient program
AA forever
Ongoing therapy to explore why she started drinking in the first place

No less.

I was raised around addicts. I''ve never lived with addicts who have the level of denial that your mom is inflicting upon you, so that is new to me. I think though, that you will do what is right for your child. I would address it as soon as possible though. Your mom has a lot of work to do. She needs time to do it. But, don''t be disappointed if she doesn''t rise to the occasion. She might not have it in her. At that point, you might have to accept how very ill she is.

I agree 100% with this post. Your mom is very sick (drunk or sober) and the only way I would allow her to see my child is if I am present. Basically, short trips to her home (during the daytime) a trip to the park, all with me there. Tell her the steps she needs to take, make the choice hers, and be prepared that she might not be able to do it. And I agree about letting her know about all of this right away, she needs time to digest it and start thinking if she''s willing to acknowledge her problem and change. I grew up with an alchoholic father who was in denial, so I understand what you are going through. But I never really had to worry about leaving my child with him, (neither my mom or dad was into the overnight stay thing, etc) so I really feel badly for you, this is such a tough situation, especially since you are so close to your mom. But be strong and hold your ground. I know it will be awkward to discuss this with your mom, but it really needs to be done, for her sake, your child''s sake, and for yours. Believe me, once you are holding that precious baby in your arms, you will have the strength to do whatever is necessary to protect your child, and you really won''t care too much about someone''s hurt feelings.

 

[Camille]

I''m sorry April, I know you want your Mom in your childs'' life but, honestly do you want to expose your child to that? you know what it feels like if she''s not ready to get help, there''s very little your Dad and other can do...... I''d keep my visits short if any. A family friend visitis her parents [both drunks] once a month [2 hour drive] she HAS to get in the house first to clear up their mess and open the windows Before the kids/DH walk in. This is very sad, I''m truly sorry.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 7/31/2009 1:11:19 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think the sooner you lay it out there ''sorry Mom, but you will never be alone with the grandkids because you drink. It''s not about whether you think you have a problem, or it''s just one glass, it''s not going to happen until I know there will be NO alcohol period. None, zip, nada. I''m telling you this now so you can work on it if being with the grandkids is important to you''.

Then sit back and either watch her go into denial and pretend you didn''t even say that, watch the fur fly, or watch her seriously consider what you said and offer to support her in her effort to change.

Bummer that you are stuck like that, but I commend you for realizing that the kids safety has to come first. You''d never forgive yourself if she put them in the car for a trip to the grocery store.

and again i''m in agree with ms purrfectpear. deal with it now, not after you''re pregnant, or after the baby arrives. you might want other family members present when you tell her or a counseling professional. her drinking is her problem and the safety of your child/children is yours: make it clear to her now.

mz

 

[honey22]

Date: 7/31/2009 1:11:19 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think the sooner you lay it out there ''sorry Mom, but you will never be alone with the grandkids because you drink. It''s not about whether you think you have a problem, or it''s just one glass, it''s not going to happen until I know there will be NO alcohol period. None, zip, nada. I''m telling you this now so you can work on it if being with the grandkids is important to you''.


Then sit back and either watch her go into denial and pretend you didn''t even say that, watch the fur fly, or watch her seriously consider what you said and offer to support her in her effort to change.


Bummer that you are stuck like that, but I commend you for realizing that the kids safety has to come first. You''d never forgive yourself if she put them in the car for a trip to the grocery store.

Ditto. Giving up an addiction is very difficult and needs time. You can''t expect her to just be able to go without when the baby does eventually arrive. It will take months or maybe years of practise. As much as your Mum will love her grandchild, she just can''t be trusted to not sneak in a few nips here and there if you do wait and she is still drinking regularly. Talk to her now, give her the chance to make an effort to get her life back on track, for both herself and bubs.

Good luck, it must be very hard on you.

 

[swingirl]

You probably will never get your mom to change but she still can be an active gramma. You just shouldn't ever leave your children alone with her or allow them to witness the worst moments. So you have her to your house or stay at her house with her while she visits. No need for sleepovers. Keep the visits short and time them before she's completely drunk. You don't need to give her a reason. She probably already knows. Good luck. I am afraid you aren't alone when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic parent.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Wow, how sad. You''re absolutely right to avoid leaving your children in her care. She lies to herself and others, makes poor decisions, makes excuses, etc. That is not the type of person you leave your children with.

I think it''s up to you and how your relationship is whether or not you say anything. I''m currently 28 weeks pregnant, and we won''t leave our baby alone with my MIL, but we haven''t felt the need to make that a proclamation or anything. If she asks to watch the baby, we''ll probably just make excuses about how we''re too nervous to be away from her or something. If she presses the issue, then I''ll have no problem saying, "Actually, that''s not something we''re ever going to feel comfortable doing. All visits will need to be with us present." I believe that deep down my MIL knows that she is unstable and knows why we avoid her, which is why she has let three years pass where we barely see her. I believe there is a small but real chance my MIL would hurt herself or our child or kidnap our child in one of her fits. How on earth could I leave my child alone with someone I can''t trust?

My plan is that when my MIL does something inappropriate, I will take our daughter and leave the situation and explain that it wasn''t right of Grandmother to act that way, but she''s sick and can''t help it. I''ll explain that when people don''t treat us right, then we should get away from them as quickly as possible, even if they''re our family members. If, when she is older, our daughter wants to spend alone time with Grandmother, then we''ll reevaluate then, but I want to make sure that my child recognizes the inappropriate behavior for what it is and feels comfortable standing up for herself.

I guess it''s different since I''m not the actual child of the dysfunctional parent. I am a much more direct person than my DH, and if it were my parent, I would probably lay the cards on the table rather than deflecting and avoiding. However, if I address the issues while my DH avoids and deflects, then I''ll just wind up with more of a headache. MIL will paint me even blacker (an expression associated with the behavior of those with Borderline Personality Disorder) than she already does. So I''m saving the direct approach as a last resort.

 

[aprilcait]

Thanks so much for your input, everyone! You''ve given me a lot to think about.

I''m 100% not worried about a child''s wellbeing when he/she is with my mother during the day. When my mom is not drinking (i.e.: when it’s daytime), she is responsible, reliable, and a really great person. During the day she’s the generous, caring, strong woman I would want as a grandmother to my child. It''s the evening and nighttime that concern me because that''s when she drinks. She doesn''t get violent or abusive, just inebriated. Of course I would never ever subject my child to a drunken grandmother… never. I guess it’s the difference between “Day Mom” and “Night Mom” that make the ultimatum idea a challenge.

That said, I agree that I need to talk to my mom. Oh boy, this is going to a toughie!