Whos being lame?

[GarysBride]

Alrighty my fiance will be working at (cant say) starting in January, with this job comes great (meaning free) benifits! awhile ago he told me once he finishes school and he starts his job I can go to school and work somewhere less stressful. Although I love my job which has good benifits I cant take the B.S. they keep pulling on me! I have an oppurtunity to work somewhere else once he starts working but it doesnt come with benifits. IF were married or have a marriage licsense I too can be on his benifits.
other than that im stuck with crappy benifits and have to pay a huge copay! He agrees it would be really helpful yet he doesnt want to get the marriage licsense. I already have $500 dental bill im paying off and I still need more work done. His mom is trying to convince him that this is a great idea because im stressed and im very self concious about my teeth. for the record the $500 was for wisdom teeth and I still need braces, teeth whitening and a few more things. I think he feels once weve got that marriage licsense I own half his stuff but to me thats not the case, I buy everything myself and pay for my share etc; I even told him of there was ANY chance we broke up he can keep everything I dont care about materialistic stuff. We talk about it every now and then but latley its been bothering me becuase I sorta feels hes afraid of the commitment but then again I dont think he is becuase why would he have asked me to marry him when the subject is brought up he kinda laugs it off like its not a big deal. It would also help to have the marriage licsense for other things too i.e. were going to be buying a house soon too taxes ya know the rest lol!

So am I being selfish or is he being lame for not wanting to get the marriage liscence to help us?

 

[reader]

Perhaps suggesting a pre-nup to him would help?

 

[JulieN]

I thought you already have a dress? And are getting married in the near future? Whence upon you will get spousal benefits?

Are you saying just get a married now by court and do it in front of family and friends later, so that you can get your dental care? Sorry, I'm a little confused.

 

[monarch64]

Wow, you just brought up all kinds of issues in one post, lol! I will try to sort them out and be somewhat succinct about it:

1. I think you need to have an in-depth discussion with your man about the money issues, and ask him exactly why he feels the need to have some sort of "separation" of monetary funds, period, as far as now and when you get engaged/become married, if in fact, his intentions are to marry you and that is what you want as well.

2. Take care of yourself and your teeth first and foremost. I can''t stress this enough. I''ve been married for 3 years now this month and I also need braces (at 29!) and possibly jaw surgery to correct some earlier issues. My DH is actually covered under MY dental/health/vision insurance at this point, but anything that isn''t covered will have to come out of our household, which will put a bit of a strain on our budget! One bit of advice: visit archwired.com...it is a fantastic website for adults going through braces, oragnathic surgery, and the like. I''ve found it very helpful so far. I''m due to see an oral surgeon for my wisdom teeth removal and possible upper palate expansion, and found this website very informative on an adult level.

3. You are NOT being selfish! Both parties in a relationship have specific needs. I''m sorry, but bluntly, he has no right to "laugh off" any of your needs. I''m assuming you don''t do that to him (if you do, that''s a no-no!) Anyway, I say stand your ground and have some adult discussions about both of your needs/wants for the future and stick to those goals.

Hope this helps!

 

[GarysBride]

Date: 9/15/2006 12:58:46 AM
Author: monarch64
Wow, you just brought up all kinds of issues in one post, lol! I will try to sort them out and be somewhat succinct about it:


1. I think you need to have an in-depth discussion with your man about the money issues, and ask him exactly why he feels the need to have some sort of ''separation'' of monetary funds, period, as far as now and when you get engaged/become married, if in fact, his intentions are to marry you and that is what you want as well.


2. Take care of yourself and your teeth first and foremost. I can''t stress this enough. I''ve been married for 3 years now this month and I also need braces (at 29!) and possibly jaw surgery to correct some earlier issues. My DH is actually covered under MY dental/health/vision insurance at this point, but anything that isn''t covered will have to come out of our household, which will put a bit of a strain on our budget! One bit of advice: visit archwired.com...it is a fantastic website for adults going through braces, oragnathic surgery, and the like. I''ve found it very helpful so far. I''m due to see an oral surgeon for my wisdom teeth removal and possible upper palate expansion, and found this website very informative on an adult level.


3. You are NOT being selfish! Both parties in a relationship have specific needs. I''m sorry, but bluntly, he has no right to ''laugh off'' any of your needs. I''m assuming you don''t do that to him (if you do, that''s a no-no!) Anyway, I say stand your ground and have some adult discussions about both of your needs/wants for the future and stick to those goals.


Hope this helps!

Monarch64: we are infact engaged been since may, I will be having "this" disscussion soon. thank you for your input it was quite helpful. sorry to hear about your surgery I may have to get that done too ( lock jaw)

JulieN:I have the dress ect ect, we wont be getting married until 9 months after he starts working, In which we want to purchase a house before the wedding, do the dental thing, he has stuff he wants to get done too. Im sorry my posts can be a little confusing at times lol what do you need me to clarify?

reader: he doesnt want a pre-nup lol hes confusing me!

 

[JulieN]

So do you want to get married early? Or you are going to wait 9 months into his job to be added?

Perhaps my failure to understand is that in your area marriage licenses are valid longer? Here they are valid for 90 days.

CIA???

 

[GarysBride]

well we currently live in san diego but we will be moving to washington

 

[GarysBride]

well I just researched the marriage liscences in SD there valid for only 90 days in WA only 60 so I guess that idea is out and we would have to marry before hand

maybe this is all a bad idea anyways

 

[Maria D]

If you are living together now, check and see if his company offers "domestic partner benefits." Some companies offer partner benefits to couples who are unmarried. I know my husband's company does this. It was a response to offer gay couples a way to get spousal benefits since they can't legally marry in this state. To be fair I guess, they had to offer it to all unmarried couples, same or opposite sex. I think the employee has to "register" their partner with human resources.

If it's a major corporation, they might have this -- it's worth a look!

 

[codex57]

Date: 9/15/2006 1:47:37 AM
Author: GarysBride

reader: he doesnt want a pre-nup lol hes confusing me!

Ehh, reread the thread. So, you want a marriage license well before the actual ceremony? Is that the situation?

Ok, you're being practical. He wants it to all be "official" on the same day?

Doesn't sound quite as bad for him them. However, he's a tool. Normally, my next statement would be considered a girly overanalyzed thought by me. However, his current attitude doesn't fit the normal "guy" response of "try to fix the problem." So, I become suspicious that your man either 1) has some hangups about getting married or 2) is a fruit (you can use the word "sensitive" or "in touch with his romantic side" if it sounds better).

I'd bring up the domestic partner thing then. That may solve the problem if it's available to you.

 

[GarysBride]

Date: 9/15/2006 11:26:18 AM
Author: codex57

Date: 9/15/2006 1:47:37 AM

Author: GarysBride


reader: he doesnt want a pre-nup lol hes confusing me!

Ehh, reread the thread. So, you want a marriage license well before the actual ceremony? Is that the situation?


Ok, you''re being practical. He wants it to all be ''official'' on the same day?


Doesn''t sound quite as bad for him them. However, he''s a tool. Normally, my next statement would be considered a girly overanalyzed thought by me. However, his current attitude doesn''t fit the normal ''guy'' response of ''try to fix the problem.'' So, I become suspicious that your man either 1) has some hangups about getting married or 2) is a fruit (you can use the word ''sensitive'' or ''in touch with his romantic side'' if it sounds better).


I''d bring up the domestic partner thing then. That may solve the problem if it''s available to you.

Haha yes hes a fruit lmao hes very romantic, not the normal egotistical guy at all and hes loving every minute of the wedding planning as much as I am! The partner benifits sounds like a good idea ill have to check on that, he will be working at a huge corporation so I dont see why they wouldnt have them! I didnt even think of this! Thanks!

 

[firebirdgold]

My guy wouldn''t be very keen about getting the license long before we''re married either! He''s pretty romantic and traditional, which is great for me! We''re going to open a joint account very shortly (maybe even today!) and we''re both pretty excited about it. This way we can buy things for us together like a new bed and dinners and such before we get married. It''ll turn into our main account once we''re married.

So your guy''s comment about money kinda bugs me. When you guys get married you do share everything! Doesn''t he trust you? How can a marriage stand up to two people being totally independant finacially since it''s almost never equal? I''m confused.

 

[GarysBride]

yes he does trust me its me who likes to pay for myself in certain situatuons! I dont want him to feel like he has to pay for everything I need/want. we do have a joint account and its been very helpful to our relationship, luckily on the benifit thing I just contacted him about it and he found out that domestic partner benefits are a go! so thats good! I didnt want to be marred in a courthouse anyways !

 

[FireGoddess]

My husband was self employed while we were engaged so I was able to get him health insurance through my company as a domestic partner. When we got married, I just had that changed to 'spouse'. Is this possible where you live?

ETA: We were posting at the same time. Glad to hear the domestic partner thing will work out for you.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 9/15/2006 2:57:07 PM
Author: GarysBride
he found out that domestic partner benefits are a go! so thats good! I didnt want to be marred in a courthouse anyways !

Excellent! Here''s to dental benefits and your perfect smile!

 

[GarysBride]

thanks you guys for all the help so you know he will be working at microsft and he actually got a call from the CIA to work for them but hes a talker and loves to tell me what hes doing at work so the CIA was out! sadly we have to move from sunny sand diego to dreary washington although I LOVE THE TREES in WA ! and I can deal with the rain lol!

 

[codex57]

The domestic partner thing worked? Cool.

Yeah, Washington can be a big change. We had a friend just move from Brentwood to Washington. She was fine at first, but now, she''s been telling us that the gloomy weather is getting to her. Hope all is needed is just time to fully get used to the change.

 

[GarysBride]

yea it can be gloomy/rainy about 8 months out of the year but summers there are just beautiful! talk about great camping trips! the only thing im going to miss the most is the beaches in cali!!!!!! the water is really cold in WA im mean really really cold! but seafood is so tastey up there mmmm and cheaper haha were big seafood lovers! the snow crab is to die for!

 

[flopkins]

Yay! I''m glad you worked things out.

I do know of couples who have done a civil ceremony ahead of time for various reasons, like health or immigration, so to me it''s not a big deal ,but if you can do the domestic partner thing and not worry about it, all the better!!

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 9/15/2006 8:45:55 AM
Author: Maria D
If you are living together now, check and see if his company offers ''domestic partner benefits.'' Some companies offer partner benefits to couples who are unmarried. I know my husband''s company does this. It was a response to offer gay couples a way to get spousal benefits since they can''t legally marry in this state. To be fair I guess, they had to offer it to all unmarried couples, same or opposite sex. I think the employee has to ''register'' their partner with human resources.

If it''s a major corporation, they might have this -- it''s worth a look!

I was going to suggest this too.