What would you do? ie eloping vs wedding

[sctsbride09]

Hi everyone very new here and even more new to wedding planning. Ive only posted a few times but I need some good candid opinions on this one, being that everyone Im close to has varied opinions on the matter. Please bear with me this might be long.. deep breath..Ok so fh and I have been engaged 6 months now and it seems that this wedding is never going to happen. We originally had plans to marry overseas (we are in ca) with just immediate family (4 people fi and I are VERY shy) which is what we wanted but since his mom wont go thats out. (we had offered to pay her flight/room) Now we are trying to plan something local so that everyone can be included while still having it somewhat intimate. (around 30 people) There are a few problems with this (and this is where advise comes in) , 1st off fh parents were in a nasty with a capital N divorce only 3 years ago and his mom is married to the "other man" , 2nd most of our family doesnt either get along with each other or with the others family(if that makes sense) 3rd every time I start to think about the reception I start to sweat (seriously) because Im so nervous about keeping fis parents and the OM away from each other! We have discussed eloping, but I dont think thats a possibility because we mentioned it to fmil and she gave us a guilt trip( dont ruin my day I raised you(to fi) and crying that sort of thing) I realize Im dragging on Im sorry just wanted to know What would you do?

 

[iheartscience]

I would elope. If your FMIL wanted to see you married so badly then why wouldn''t she go overseas to do it? It sounds like she''s just trying to exert some control over you and your fiance.

 

[katamari]

Date: 10/20/2008 10:24:21 PM
Author: thing2of2
I would elope. If your FMIL wanted to see you married so badly then why wouldn''t she go overseas to do it? It sounds like she''s just trying to exert some control over you and your fiance.

Ditto! You can tell her that you would love to have her at the wedding, but that it means she will have to go to the wedding. Are her reasons for not going at all legitimate?

 

[bling addict]

I''d so elope - it sounds like your FMIL is going to be a hassle to deal with, so save yourself the drama. She''s already crying and calling it her day.

I should note, I eloped just the two of us, and it was perfect (but I''m obviously biased in offering my opinion to you). We did all the things that we liked, and spent money on things that were important to us such as the photography, flowers (well we only had bouquet and boutonnière), rings and our honeymoon - and didn''t have to spend money on things we didn''t care about.

So if you both had always dreamed of planning overseas with immediate family then I think you should either do that, or just elope if you think it will be to much drama in the lead up to it with your FMIL cry etc. You could always have a cocktail party or BBQ when you get back to celebrate your marriage with family and friends, which could be good, but hopefully would be less stressful, and your wedding could then be exactly what YOU want.

Best Wishes - I hope it works out for you.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/20/2008 10:24:21 PM
Author: thing2of2
I would elope. If your FMIL wanted to see you married so badly then why wouldn''t she go overseas to do it? It sounds like she''s just trying to exert some control over you and your fiance.

Big DITTO to this too. That is certainly what we would do. And MIL acting like that would just make me STEAM.

 

[sctsbride09]

Thanks soo much for responding, I thought the same way about her trying to be controling, I just didnt know if I was being bridezilla? and as far as her reasons for not going if we did overseas, first it was about money. Then fi and I offered to pay her way. When we offered her response was " well dont you think that would be uncomfortable for me to see fi''s dad in such close proximity?"( ie no "buffer zone" of guests to seperate them) So we were just going to do it anyway (overseas), but then she came over to talk to me when fi was out of town and gave me a nice FAT guilt trip crying and all, saying she raised fi and its not fair that she doesnt get to see the wedding and fis dad does. ( btw fis parents Both raised him his dad had to work 3 jobs to pay the bills though so not much time w/him growing up) I had a moment of weakness (pictured my mom) and broke down, ever since I have regretted it. I should also add that my mother is paying for the entire thing, she has given us a very generous budget, however since neither of us initially wanted the "big" wedding, we figured destination was agreat way to go. That way we could all go on vacation, fi could have our honeymoon

and my mom would still have $$$ left over. Sorry theres a million run ons in there..

 

[neatfreak]

You know what? Your FI needs to put on his big boy pants and talk to his mom who needs to put on HER big girl pants and come to the wedding. If both parents are invited and SHE decides not to come because she doesn't want to see his dad, it's her problem not yours!

Ugh! She is certainly being manipulating.

 

[sctsbride09]

neatfreak- HA! I love that, big girl pants lol! You are right though it would be better if my fi talked to her because it seems like she knows how to make me feel bad

and I feel like I have done everything in my power to keep good family relations but at what expense? I always pictured my wedding day to be just my husband and I and now Im nervous its gonna turn into a saturday night smackdown!!I kind of feel like getting eloped first and telling NO ONE and still having a wedding, that way we have what we want and still appease the parents. Is that a terrible idea? would it come out in the 2nd ceremony that we were already married? uugh I hate that people twice my age cant just get their s@$# together for the sake of their kids.

 

[diamondfan]

I would elope. But tell his mom she can come too!!! Revamp the destination idea and see if you can get it to fly. Big events can be super traumatic and really tough to get through.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/20/2008 11:05:50 PM
Author: sctsbride09
neatfreak- HA! I love that, big girl pants lol! You are right though it would be better if my fi talked to her because it seems like she knows how to make me feel bad

and I feel like I have done everything in my power to keep good family relations but at what expense? I always pictured my wedding day to be just my husband and I and now Im nervous its gonna turn into a saturday night smackdown!!I kind of feel like getting eloped first and telling NO ONE and still having a wedding, that way we have what we want and still appease the parents. Is that a terrible idea? would it come out in the 2nd ceremony that we were already married? uugh I hate that people twice my age cant just get their s@$# together for the sake of their kids.

It''s not a terrible idea at all! But I wouldn''t lie, I''d just elope and then allow the parents to have another party/ceremony/whatever you can handle at home.

 

[sctsbride09]

We had talked about eloping just he and I along with both of our mothers and we each have one sibling wed like to be there. The problem with that is #1 fi''s dad would be left out (not cool if mom gets to see and he doesnt) #2 his mom will insist on her husband coming( which under the circumstances of the divorce would not be cool) even though it wouldnt be fair #3 if we invite both moms 1 sibling each and his dad his mom will not come, the buffer zone thing. I feel like were being trapped into a wedding we do not want. we just want to be married to one another, the hupplah is not needed OR wanted for that matter.

 

[sctsbride09]

would it be completely awful if we took my mom as a witness if we elope? I really want her there and I dont feel like she should be punished because of all this...

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/20/2008 11:25:05 PM
Author: sctsbride09
would it be completely awful if we took my mom as a witness if we elope? I really want her there and I dont feel like she should be punished because of all this...

I think it depends on how your FI feels about her being included and his mom not being included.

 

[sctsbride09]

So do we ask all 3 parents and both our siblings and just hope for the best?

 

[marchswallowbird]

Definitely elope. I would go overseas, just the two of you, and tell the family when you get back. FI''s mother will eventually get over it and forgive you. She is being super manipulating, don''t let her do this.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 10/20/2008 11:34:11 PM
Author: sctsbride09
So do we ask all 3 parents and both our siblings and just hope for the best?

Well, that's probably what I would do if you want to include family. If one of the parents decides not to come because of the other THEY are the ones missing out. I think if you and your FI are on the same page and stand together on this they will come around...

 

[diamondfan]

You clearly cannot please ALL people, so do what you two want. Someone is going to be annoyed no matter what, from the sound of it. I would call a group meeting and tell them their actions have caused you to decide to elope, that if they cannot come together for your wedding and behave, they will not have the joy of seeing it.

 

[katamari]

How far are you planning on going for the elopement? And, how long are your other guests likely to stay?

If your FFIL can be in the room with your FMIL and new H for the traditional wedding, why would this be any different? I mean, yes, there are more people to create a buffer. But, they will have to be around one another a lot with the traditional wedding given everything that comes with it, like the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, the reception, etc. At least in a destination, they could just have separate vacations--even stay at different hotels if that seems like the best option. And, if you aren''t going too far away, just fly out FMIL and her new H out for the weekend.

 

[sctsbride09]

msb- we really want to do that actually we just worry that since we already said wed move the wedding to so cal "for the family" that we will get a ration of you know what for pulling out..how to explain?

 

[sctsbride09]

The funny part is no matter which way we do the wedding, fis parents will not have that much contact. We are not having a reception just a sit down dinner as fi and do not drink(to excess anyway love wine

) or dance, but we LOVE to eat.haha and when we had planned the destination we offered to pay the way(flight and room) to oahu for 5 nites and we had a sit down dinner planned for that as well. So my point is, either way we are having a ceremony followed by dinner just give or take 20 guests for location sake, and she and her new H can sit on the opposite side of the table no matter where it is.

 

[marchswallowbird]

You don''t need to explain. It''s your wedding, not your FMIL''s wedding, not your mom''s wedding or your dad''s -- it''s yours and FI''s. Given your complicated family circumstances, I think all you have to do is tell people that there was no way to have a wedding that would not exclude someone important to both of you, and you just could not make the choice, since you love everyone so much. This is the only way you could be fair to everyone -- by not having ANYONE there.

Yes, the parents will be upset. But they will get over it. Especially when you give them grandchildren.

 

[sctsbride09]

Uh oh Fh and I dont want kids

 

[UCLABelle]

Personally, I would elope. But you would have to spend a good amount of time thinking about it with your FI!

 

[l0v3lif3]

I personally would invite all parents, either overseas or cali, your choice. If adults can''t set aside their differences for an hour for your sake, they don''t have to go.
Your line, "so sorry you won''t be able to make it." Done.

 

[lliang_chi]

In agreement with everyone else. Give them the FULL disclaimer of who''s attending. And make them realize that you want EVERYONE to be there because they''re all important to you. If THEY choose not to attend then it''s THEIR decision, not yours because you invited their nemesis. Everyone here should be adults, I don''t see how they can''t figure this out on their own.

And have your FI talk to him mom about this. It''s totally not right for her to have cornered you like that. If in the future she broaches the subject when FI is not around, tell her, "I think this is an important decision and FI should be involved in this discussion as well. Can we talk about it when he''s here also?"

 

[sctsbride09]

Thank you to all that took the time to respond, your candid opinions confirmed what I suspected all along.. We have a very difficult choice ahead of us. But I believe neatfreak put it best when talking about "big boy/girl pants" Its probably going to come down to us just saying "We would love for you to be there if you can put all differences aside if not we are sorry we wont see you there." Fi and I had a serious talk and I told him how stressed Ive been over this (with midterms too

) and his response was "that is it we are taking back our wedding, we have done nothing but try to please other people and it is OUR wedding, they had their turns already" I LOVE HIM

We also decided that since this is technically our first act as our own "family" that we need to do what is best for us, and not be pressured by outside influence. Easier said than done though. I will keep you ladies updated as to what we decide to do, thank you all very much for the time it took to respond. But for now WE have taken back OUR wedding! to be continued

...

 

[sctsbride09]

lliangchi- that is the perfect thing to say! I always feel bad when fmil "corners" me when fi isnt around to make important decisions, I just dont want to be rude to her. ( she is very emotional and easily offended) but I think your suggestion sounds very gracious.

 

[neatfreak]

YAY sctsbride! I am so glad that your FI is on your side. It''s so much easier to stand together on something like this.

 

[Loves Vintage]

Just wanted to chime in and offer support for your idea of eloping abroad. That''s what we did. Just the two of us. Neither of us enjoy being the center of attention, and it was the best decision for us.

Have you given any thought to where you might elope to?

 

[sctsbride09]

neatfreak- You know, I am such a compulsive worry wort/people pleaser (sheesh bad combo huh), that sometimes I just forget to take a breather and hash things out with my fi. He is and always has been, the only person that can calm me down when Im stressed. And I have to admit, it is nice to had over the reins sometimes. I just feel bad by burdening him with this since he has been working 14 hour days right now...

loves vintage- we had originally talked about just immediate family (like 5 people or so) coming with us to oahu to be married. But the more problems that continue to arise, we talk (secretly

) of how we would love to go ALONE to maui and be married on the beach.We both would rather be married this way, we feel marriage is a personal commitment to EACH OTHER and the wedding is a show for others. hope im not offending anyone reading this, weddings are lovely just not for me the more I think about it. I just want to concentrate on my new husband that day, not entertaining people. what made you and your hubby decide to elope?