WHAT is up with FAMILIES lately?!

[FrekeChild]

FI has a cousin.

FI''s cousin is not invited to the wedding.

FI''s cousin is planning on going anyway.

FI''s cousin isn''t going to be receiving an invitation and it doesn''t matter.

She doesn''t care. She''s going anyway.


Anyone have any bright ideas on how to make it clear that she is not invited? I am irritated to the point where I don''t really mind being rude. However, I''m not really keen on responding to rudeness with rudeness.

So yeah...

 

[CNYHopeful]

That''s a tough one. I don''t know how you can make it any clearer than telling them that they are not invited and that the list is limited. What''s the point of invitations if people go who haven''t received one? If she doesn''t get that message, I guess you can''t keep her away by force. No easy way to do that i''m afraid.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

just like individuals have their days of being utterly stupid, families join in together and have weeks of being utterly stupid
it''s actually an unexplained phenomenon...like black holes...

 

[princessplease]

I would just tell her that while you appreciate her enthusiasm on attending, the wedding is limited to immediate family and very close friends(not sure if yours is

). It blows my mind that she knows that she''s not invited, yet she is inviting herself??

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Omg.. Some people...

Personally if this were my wedding this would bug the heck out of me and at this point in my planning I would be fully prepared to have someone be in charge of not letting her in if she tried to show up. Childish? Yeah, probably. But honestly, I can''t believe she''s forcefully inviting herself... I would have to have my DOC or someone just not let her into the wedding if she honestly showed up.

This is of course after speaking to her nicely to let her know the wedding is small and only those invited are welcome to attend.

 

[FrekeChild]

Without her and her husband, there are 22 people. Including us. I have maybe 6 people on my side. That leaves 14 people on FI''s side. I don''t really care about that, but I mean REALLY?

My brothers aren''t invited.

Besides just that, WHY would someone invite themselves to a wedding they didn''t receive a STD to? OR an INVITE?!

She''s actively saving up money to come. I think my head is going to explode.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

No advice, but wanted to say wow that is rude! What is this girl''s problem?

 

[FrekeChild]

Lol! Did I mention she''s in her 40s?!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Zomg..okay correction, what is this woman's problem? Ugh. You're having an intimate, small, private, as in NOT HUGE and not an everybody and their brother is invited kind of wedding. Jesus.

Maybe she is just THAT overjoyed to share her excitement with you? I mean that's nice and all if that's the case, but I totally understand why you're frustrated and annoyed.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 6/16/2009 12:52:34 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Lol! Did I mention she''s in her 40s?!

Woah! I was imagining someone much younger based on the pure immaturity of her behavior. Wow...

 

[honey22]

Just Plain Rude!!! You or FI will have to call her and firmly and politely explain that you are unable to invite her, nor will your venue allow extra guests turning up on the day. You will just have to put someone in charge of getting rid of extras and uninviteds. Your DOC or venue should be able to do this for you.

 

[Linda W]

You already know how I feel Liz. A 40 year old woman should know better.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 6/16/2009 12:24:55 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Without her and her husband, there are 22 people. Including us. I have maybe 6 people on my side. That leaves 14 people on FI''s side. I don''t really care about that, but I mean REALLY?

My brothers aren''t invited.

Besides just that, WHY would someone invite themselves to a wedding they didn''t receive a STD to? OR an INVITE?!

She''s actively saving up money to come. I think my head is going to explode.

Liz,

IMO, I think FI needs to call this cousin and lay it on the line for her. It is HIS family and he needs to explain the situation to her....I don''t think YOU need to be the one to have to handle this one!

Guess she''s invited to the Wedding Party? Maybe that will do it for her.

Lori

 

[bee*]

I''d ditto loriken-it''s time for your FI to give her a call and tell her what the situation is and that she''s not coming!

 

[LilyKat]

Dear crazy cousin,

I''m really touched by your enthusiasm about my wedding! Unfortunately, we''ve had to limit it to very close family and friends only, and I''m afraid there just isn''t room for an extra space for you. I hope you understand. Just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding, as I''d hate for you to turn up on the day only to be turned away for not being on the guest list!

Look forward to catching up with you another time.

Best wishes,

FrekeChild.




....you said you didn''t mind being rude? Can''t get it much clearer than that

 

[choro72]

FI should deal with it, no?

 

[SapphireLover]

Date: 6/16/2009 4:40:02 AM
Author: choro72
FI should deal with it, no?

That was my thought entirely.

 

[Lauren8211]

LOL. Omg, Freke.

FI needs to handle that, my goodness!

I find weddings bring out the crazy in EVERYONE.

 

[iluvcarats]

Personalized invitation?....
"You are cordially invited to NOT attend our wedding..."

 

[ilovesparkles]

FI agrees with me that your FI should take care of this situation. Explain your brothers aren''t even invited because of limited space, budget, what ever. If she isn''t on the guest list they won''t allow her in. What ever HE has to do to get it across to this ridiculous cousin! I''m sorry Freke!

 

[galvana]

Hey Freke
just wanted to chime in and say people suck, and families are even worse! i told FI last night that im ready to just skip the wedding. all the rest of the a**holes can go and he and i can skip it. they can have fun, we can do the jp just he and i and one witness and they can have a blast at everything else without us!

kisses!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

OMG Liz! Definitely get FI involved in this one. You shouldn''t have to be the bad guy, she''s HIS cousin after all!

 

[Izzy03]

Freke: How do you know that she plans on going? Does she not understand the concept of an invitation or has she stated that she will be going whether invited or not. Wow, RUDE!

This happened in my husbands family. When people found out we were getting married, they assumed they were invited and started asking all kinds of questions. We kept the answers very general like:

Q: When is the wedding?
A: In April.

Q: Where is the wedding?
A: Downtown.

I would wait for her to mention the wedding and tell her that you are keeping the wedding very small and will not be able to accommodate her.

You are having a destination wedding right? Are you planning on having a party when you return. We had a big BBQ after our wedding in include a lot of my husbands family who I refused to invite (my in-laws did not offer to pay for ANYTHING in the wedding, yet they were pissed with I cut their 200 person guest list down to 50). This helped get us out of explaining our situation to a lot of people!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think sometimes people view weddings as family affairs even when they are private.

I would send her an invite to the post-wedding celebration you''re doing--reinforce the fact that Vegas isn''t an open-invite affair, it''s private and exclusive...but she can come to the family celebration, no problem. And...since she''s relentless, include a note with the invite saying something to the effect that you know she''s anxious to celebrate your wedding with you, and really hope that she''ll be able to come to the BBQ (or whatever) since she won''t be in Vegas due to the nature of your wedding.

Done and done.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 6/16/2009 7:39:22 AM
Author: iluvcarats
Personalized invitation?....
'You are cordially invited to NOT attend our wedding...'

I think Italia's suggestion is good with the personalized note. If not, get FI involved, definitely. Add me to that camp.

And ditto to families being crazy lately and acting weird. BIG ditto to weddings making people crazy. If I don't do the DW thing, I'm definitely wording things so that people know then only THEY are invited, or that cousin can't bring her fling of the month. Most people I know don't know enough etiquette to know that only your name on the invite means only you. (Haha but I think they would get the idea if they didn't get an invite at all though - this woman of yours is crazy.)

 

[rhbgirl24]

Hmm.... I just can''t believe people sometimes. Its just plain odd how people can react. I have no good advice besides continually making in clear she isn''t coming!

 

[sunnyd]

Tell her it''s in a different hotel...

 

[laughwithme]

Freke - I think Lilycat''s note is perfect - let her know that unfortunately, any guests not on the guest list will be turned away due to food requirements, etc. It''s blunt, but if she is going to be this stubborn, she has a hard lesson a''comin''.

 

[galvana]

freke,
i honestly think that someone must have given cousin the idea that she WAS invited.
maybe they did it by mistake but someone must have said something to get her thinking this way.

how so you know she is actively saving up money? who is she telling this to?
someone needs to just let her know she is not invited.

maybe she thinks there aren''t any STD''s or Invites? maybe she is just mistaken.

who is she talking to (how do you know all this) - whoever she is talking to should say to her that they dont think she was invited - and that the brides brothers weren''t even going. they should tell her to ask or double check.

then when she does, one of you can tell her no.

does that work?

 

[FrekeChild]

Sarah--I have no idea. I don''t think it''s that she''s that excited to celebrate or anything. I think she''s just assuming that she''s going. Just an assumption that she''s family and families go to weddings.

Honey--that''s what I was thinking. Although I''m considering writing her a note instead. I really really don''t want to have to turn away people at the door, because I think that would be rude of me, so I need to solve this before it can even get to that point.

Lori--the problem with FI is that he doesn''t want to upset anyone. So now he''s talking about cancelling the dinner afterward so there isn''t really any argument, and she can come if she wants. And it''s her and her hubby btw. So FI won''t do anything.

LilyKat--your note made me laugh. I mean, if she can''t figure it out from that--what the heck CAN she figure it out from?

Iluvcarats--OMG that would be hilarious.

ilovesparkles--I agree that it should be his deal, but I know that he won''t do anything. This cousin is incredibly sweet and she feels like she doesn''t have a ton of family...so she''s latched harder onto FI and his sister. And assumed that she is invited.

iloveprincesscuts--I''m so tempted. You have no idea. I finally thought that things were worked out after sending those notes to people about how they were uninvited (which everyone has taken well btw, surprisingly), and then this hits me in the face. Ugh.

Izzy--FI''s sister has let me know. I thought if I were to ignore it, she''d drop it. I think she is just naive. I think she thinks that family is invited to everything. So she''s just assuming she''s invited. If she doesn''t receive an invitation, she''d probably chalk it up to we didn''t send them, or hers got lost in the mail or some other insane excuse. I have dealt with this in my own family and just yesterday got a butthurt voicemail from my aunt about how they didn''t know when our celebration is going to be and how they didn''t know if they''d make it to the engagement party. Well tough sh!t! If you make it, you make it. But I can deal with my family.

The wedding is in Vegas. We are not having a party when we return. We''re having the engagement party in two weeks instead--that everyone and their uncle is invited to.

Italia--I think I will send her a note saying essentially what has been said here, and that I hope she''s able to come to the engagement party.

luvthemstrawberries--NO JOKE!

sunnyd-DON''T TEMPT ME!

iloveprincesscuts--supposedly no one has. I don''t talk to her, FI doesn''t talk to her...the only person that talks to her is FSIL. And she''s said that she hasn''t given her a clue to that. However, the STD is hanging on her fridge, and the cousin is at her house occasionally, so she''s seen the STD and knows when the wedding is.

She is giving money from each paycheck to FSIL so they can save it for her so she''ll have $$$ for the plane ticket. FSIL won''t tell her she''s not invited because she doesn''t want to hurt her feelings.


So after the conversation that FSIL and I had last night, she''s totally not cooperative. She and her FI are planning on having a party after their wedding where everyone has to pay for their own food, so she expects ours to be like that as well. My dad is totally traditional and will pay for everyone who is there to eat. That''s just how he is.

But FSIL is giving me hints that she''s going to be upset if this cousin (M) isn''t invited. She thinks that there is a possibility that FFIL and his wife won''t come, and M and hubby can take their spots, and then it wouldn''t be an issue. It''s not a money related thing. We could have afforded to do the original 40 some people thing that was planned before. She wasn''t invited to that one either. There are tons of people that would be invited before she would be.

So I''m kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. Even if I say, hey you''re not invited, I''m the bad guy and both of them will probably resent me. I''m ok with that, but I don''t want it to seem like a bridezilla kind of thing.

I pointed out to FSIL last night that my brothers aren''t going. She didn''t have a response for that. I told her that I only had 6 people out of 20. She didn''t really have a response for that either.

So I think FSIL is the problem. I feel like she''s trying to push me into letting M come, which is actually really what''s irritating me. I''m certainly not one to be forced to do anything, and especially not something that is important to me as this is. I have ONE family member there. And maybe 4 really good friends (+1 hubby), and he has 14 people. I am FINE with all of them--I put the guest list together, but pressuring me to let someone go who doesn''t meet any of our criteria? It''s going to piss me off.

(Our criteria btw: immediate family, must talk to/see person at least once a week, extremely close friends)

If the issue continues to be pushed...I don''t know what I''ll do. But it won''t be pretty.

(Sorry about any typos, I''m in a rush!)