The future in-laws are already causing trouble...

[anchor31]

I wish my first post as a BIW (whee!) was on a happier subject… Unfortunately, I know that some of you fellow BIWs have or have had troubles with future in-laws, so I’m hoping to get some support and advice…

The future in-laws are not happy. They''re jealous because they weren''t the ones to give the first toast after J and I got engaged on July 14th and to take us to the church to have the ring blessed, and they just don''t understand that none of this had been planned. As if they really care, anyway... What they actually care about is everything being like/where/when they want and everything being about them. What they actually care about is that nobody should be happier than they are, and since they''re not happy at all... Well, you get the picture.

For some tradition my FI’s mother has but my parents had never heard about, FI’s mother wanted an engagement dinner and she wanted my mother to plan it. Mom did plan it, even if she had no business doing this for someone else, and she still wasn''t happy. She wasn''t going to make an effort to be available to come, but it still was my mother''s fault. There was a huge fight about this, so J and I thanked my mother and asked her to please cancel the dinner, and we took a decision. We are going to plan our wedding how, when and where we want it, and we are going to throw most traditions out the window. With four families from four different regions of Quebec having their own traditions, we''d just end up not having our wedding, but our parents''. We also decided that if there is unnecessary drama about the wedding plans, we''ll cancel the whole thing and elope. There is just no way in hell we''re going to let them ruin our wedding planning and wedding day...

I told mom about our decision, and she assured me that there will be no trouble from our side of the family. They understand that it''s our wedding and we can do as we wish, and they will support us and help us. Of course, they''re hoping we won''t elope and just not invite his parents if they cause trouble; to be honest, that''s what I''m hoping for too. I can’t imagine my parents, siblings and grandmother not being there at my wedding…

J told his own mother about our decision, and she yelled at him. Apparently, he''s being selfish and immature and it shows that he will be just as irresponsible towards his family in the future. She said that this should be about family and family should come first. Well, here''s a newsflash for you: This wedding will not be about anyone else but US. It will be OUR wedding, not anyone else''s. If they''re not happy, we don''t care, then they just shouldn''t show up. And we just know for a fact that they will complain about everything. They''ll complain about the wedding being in my parish an hour away from their home and not in theirs, they''ll complain about my parents not paying for the whole thing, they''ll complain about their daughter not being in the wedding party, they''ll complain about our invitations, menu, everything. So… we’re hoping that the threat to cancel and elope will keep them in check, we’ll see.

We’re so frustrated and disappointed! We’d both dared to hope that they’d be happy for us, or that they would at least not cause trouble… But we were so wrong. So... yeah. Those are very exciting times...

I hate her so much for ruining this for us!! We were so happy and excited about being engaged and planning our wedding! We knew when we started talking about getting engaged in 2006 that we wouldn’t get married before summer 2008, and we were okay with that because we wanted to take the time to enjoy our engagement before starting the planning, we wanted to have more time to plan while I’m finishing college so I can concentrate on school (I’m graduating in April 200, and since I’m in a very popular area for tourism and weddings all year long (we have no down season here, even in winter!), we have to book about 18 months in advance. But right now I wish it was over already... Which really sucks.

Anyway, we’ll let this fighting die down and do what we have to do. We want a fall wedding, so we''ll begin scouting for the reception venue this fall to see what it looks like during the season and book it once we set a date. We’ll sit down and discuss what we want for our wedding and take the decisions on our own.

I don’t know if J is planning on asking them for money now that all this has happened; it would probably cause more fighting and more demands (“we’re paying so you’ll do what we want” sort of thing), but I’m not expecting, nor do I want to have a penny from them. Luckily, money is not what I’m most worried about. I already have my wedding veil (my mother’s), my grandmother has promised me to pay the dress and my parents have promised to give us a percentage once we’ve estimated a budget; we’re planning a small 50 guests wedding with the ceremony in my small parish church and the reception in a cozy little “auberge” in October anyway, so J and I are hoping to get away with a 7-8k wedding.

Sorry this is so long… Any words of wisdom for us? Or just a little support... I''m feeling pretty sad about the whole thing right now, and being engaged for two weeks shouldn''t feel this way!

 

[AmberWaves]

Anchor, I wish I had some words of advice, but luckily my in-laws are pretty good to me. I just wanted to wish you luck and give you hugs to let you know that I think no matter what, you''ll have the wedding of your dreams!

 

[galeteia]

Hugs from me too, anchor. You''re such a sweet person that I hate to see you struggling with FMIL issues already-- it''s such a shame. You deserve to have the happiest engagement period possible.

I hope your FMIL wakes up and realizes she is letting her own selfishness interfere with her child''s happiness.

*hugs* Hang in there!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks Amber and Galateia... Unfortunately I''m feeling especially crappy right now since I''ve just learned that my sister has been bad mouthing my FI behind my back... So much for family, I guess.

 

[RoseAngel04]

So sorry to hear you are already having family issues only 2 weeks into the engagement!!

I can''t really relate either, for I have a good relationship with my future in-laws, but I can imagine how much pain this is causing you.

I am assuming that you and your FMIL don''t really have that great of a relationship? Has their been any issues that you could/should want to try to smooth over with her that may help her attitude/opinion regarding her son marrying you? I may be off on the wrong foot completely, but I would think that if you and your FMIL had a healthy open relationship you could speak freely with her in expressing your concerns. It sounds like there are underlying issues that haven''t really been worked out. If these issues could be worked out NOW/ASAP then I would think you would have a much more pleasant engagement/planning period. I''m sure that deep down you WANT to have the whole "big family unit" and for your in-laws to support you and your FI.

Hope to hear that ya''ll all can work things out. My best advice is just COMMUNICATION.

Good luck!!

 

[RoseAngel04]

Ugh more bad news!! Yuck! Sorry to hear about your sister too. As Stephanie from Full House would say...HOW RUDE!!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am sorry about your problem. I have been dating my sweetheart for almost three years. For the first 2 1/2 I had all sorts of problems with my future inlaws similiar to the ones you described. What ended up happening was after 2/12 I simply went to my family for holidays and refused to go to his. Once his mother realized she could not bully me, she really tried hard to be better behaved and while we are not the best of friends, she and I get along much better. If I were you, I would cut your future in-laws out of the planning until they realize that they are a dispensable resource and see if that helps. Just don''t tell them you don''t need them or you will start a fight. I don''t know if it will work for you but I have te same kind of mother in law and it helped a lot.

 

[diamondfan]

anchor, I am sorry for your situation. I think it is important to be kind but firm, and not let yourself be emotionally blackmailed...just as you know if you take money from his folks you will be beholden to them. I would rather scale back and have what we could manage, than take money from people who would hold it over my head non stop. I had terrible in law issues during my engagement and wedding, and even coming up on 16 years, honestly, I still hate them for the havoc they created. It was all about them, how they looked to their friends, how they could capitalize on the wedding (while not putting in one cent) and just overall being so demanding and obnoxious that I still get mad just thinking about it. DO NOT LET ANYONE spoil this wonderful time for you both. It is not about throwing down a gauntlet, but just about asserting yourselves as adults starting a life together. Believe me it only gets worse if you are not strong enough to establish the boundaries NOW. Good luck and know you are not alone and you can vent hear and get sound advice and a release of your feelings in a healthy way...

 

[larussel03]

Hi Anchor!

First off, congrats on your first post as a BIW! So exciting!

Secondly, I''m so sorry that you''re going through this--I think I remember you saying before that your FI''s parents don''t really like you (or were not thrilled about the engagement or something) for some reason. If this is the case, maybe you can get back to this and figure out why they''re dissapproving and sit down and have a heart to heart with them. Is it just a personality clash, or is it a difference in fundamental ideals? Or, if they do like and approve of you, are they angry with your FI for something? Some things cannot be helped, but I can''t help but think that bad behavior like this on their part is stemming from something other than just wanting it to be about them. It may sound like catering to them, but when you marry J you marry his family as well, so it''s good to at least know you tried.

Anyways, what does matter in the end is that you and your FI are happy. It''s too bad that everyone cannot be happy for you, but in the end it really will be their problem b/c when parents act like that towards future children in law, it just makes the couple unwilling to spend as much time with them, and they''ll really lose out if this relationship is not smoothed out.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I''m sorry sweetie! They have NO right to do this. Respect for your family and making an effort to include them does not include bending over backwards and then tolerating rudeness!

If anything, you should be proud of J for standing up to his mother. THAT, more than anything she said, shows how he will act towards you in the future. You--and your eventual family--should be his first priority now.

bon chance! (speaking of which, what do you speak on a daily basis? I had a nice Quebecois woman in the shop the other day and her accent was very interesting. It''s so fascinating how all the different francophone countries have their own French, snooty Academie notwithstanding.

 

[anchor31]

brazen - Thanks for the advice, it makes me feel much better. We do intend to cut his parents out of the planning. The less they know, the less they''ll complain about everything!

diamond - I''m both relieved and sad to learn that I''m not the only one who has or has had this kind of problems. Your support means a lot, so thank you.

sweetpea - Thanks for the advice. My future-in-laws are not happy for us because they are very bitter about their own failed marriage. They''re so caught up in their own drama, they just don''t see how unhappy they are making their children. As for my FMIL, well... she doesn''t want her son to grow up. I''m pretty sure she has a "stealing her son away from her" thing going on. But he is grown up, and finally learning to say no. I also suspect she''s trying to live through him. So... Ick. I could try to talk to her, but I''m not sure it would go over very well.

RT - I am very proud of him. He''s been manipulated and stepped on by his parents long enough.

Haha, your post really cheered me up! I''m a French-speaking Québécoise. French in my first language and is the language I speak most daily. I love it very much and am proud of it! It''s such a beautiful language... My mother was born in Ottawa and raised in the region of Québec just near the Québec/Ontario border, so she learned English very young. My siblings and I also learned our English young by her efforts, and it''s something I really appreciate. I like the direct and to the point feeling of English and I sometimes have even more ease to express certain things in English because of that.

 

[ladykemma]

good for you! (we did our own wedding too)

this will nip in the bud, invitees such as MIL''s bridge club, dad''s business associates, and the junior league.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 7/28/2006 9:20:00 AM
Author: anchor31
brazen - Thanks for the advice, it makes me feel much better. We do intend to cut his parents out of the planning. The less they know, the less they''ll complain about everything!


diamond - I''m both relieved and sad to learn that I''m not the only one who has or has had this kind of problems. Your support means a lot, so thank you.


sweetpea - Thanks for the advice. My future-in-laws are not happy for us because they are very bitter about their own failed marriage. They''re so caught up in their own drama, they just don''t see how unhappy they are making their children. As for my FMIL, well... she doesn''t want her son to grow up. I''m pretty sure she has a ''stealing her son away from her'' thing going on. But he is grown up, and finally learning to say no. I also suspect she''s trying to live through him. So... Ick. I could try to talk to her, but I''m not sure it would go over very well.


RT - I am very proud of him. He''s been manipulated and stepped on by his parents long enough.


Haha, your post really cheered me up! I''m a French-speaking Québécoise. French in my first language and is the language I speak most daily. I love it very much and am proud of it! It''s such a beautiful language... My mother was born in Ottawa and raised in the region of Québec just near the Québec/Ontario border, so she learned English very young. My siblings and I also learned our English young by her efforts, and it''s something I really appreciate. I like the direct and to the point feeling of English and I sometimes have even more ease to express certain things in English because of that.

Date: 7/28/2006 9:20:00 AM
Author: anchor31
brazen - Thanks for the advice, it makes me feel much better. We do intend to cut his parents out of the planning. The less they know, the less they''ll complain about everything!


diamond - I''m both relieved and sad to learn that I''m not the only one who has or has had this kind of problems. Your support means a lot, so thank you.


sweetpea - Thanks for the advice. My future-in-laws are not happy for us because they are very bitter about their own failed marriage. They''re so caught up in their own drama, they just don''t see how unhappy they are making their children. As for my FMIL, well... she doesn''t want her son to grow up. I''m pretty sure she has a ''stealing her son away from her'' thing going on. But he is grown up, and finally learning to say no. I also suspect she''s trying to live through him. So... Ick. I could try to talk to her, but I''m not sure it would go over very well.


RT - I am very proud of him. He''s been manipulated and stepped on by his parents long enough.


Haha, your post really cheered me up! I''m a French-speaking Québécoise. French in my first language and is the language I speak most daily. I love it very much and am proud of it! It''s such a beautiful language... My mother was born in Ottawa and raised in the region of Québec just near the Québec/Ontario border, so she learned English very young. My siblings and I also learned our English young by her efforts, and it''s something I really appreciate. I like the direct and to the point feeling of English and I sometimes have even more ease to express certain things in English because of that.

Ug, sounds like a real difficult situation, it sucks when unhappy people bring you down! Well it''s really great that your FI is willing to stand up to his parents and it sounds like they''re just downers in general. It''s too bad they can''t see past their own problems and see that it''s sort of taking away from a very happy event. Good luck with them, I''m sure it''ll all work out ok

 

[SoonIHope]

YUCK anchor, I''m soooooo sorry you''re going through this!!!

DON''T let them ruin your excitement!!! Just keep on planning and envisioning things the way YOU want them, and leave them totally out of the process. You deserve to have the wedding of your dreams, and I don''t want to see you running off to elope just because of them!!!!

I agree that TELLING them you''re cutting them out probably isn''t a good idea (and being nice and trying to make her like you might be helpful...if she''s at all sane), but whatever you decide to do on the general relationship front with her, just keep the wedding planning entirely separate! And if you end up not having a big wedding...at least bring your parents and grandmother with you!!!! There is nooooo reason for you to have to miss having them there with you just because your FMIL is such a pain!!!!

Also: I''m so sorry to hear about your sister!!!

This is your twin, right? Who I think you said once is no where near ready to get married? I''m sure all of her comments were just coming out of her weird feelings there, just being freaked out that her twin could be ready for something that she is so clearly not ready for, mixed with a little envy that maybe SHE should be there too. Aka - all HER issues, don''t take anything she says about you or your fiance seriously when she''s just muddled up about what she''s feeling for herself!

GOOD LUCK with everything!!!!!! Hugs!!!!!!

 

[akw94]

Anchor, that is really terrible about his family and your sister. As far as his family, I would try to avoid them as much as possible. I think it''s probably in your best interest to cut them out of the planning, as you mentioned. You just don''t need or deserve that stress. This should be a happy time for you! Try not to let them steal that away. You are newly engaged and planning a wedding to get married.

Try to focus on that and not them, b/c unfortunately, they are who they are and it''s not likely they will change for this or anything else.
Sorry!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey anchor - I''m so sorry to hear about your FIL issues.

Your FMIL sounds a lot like my stepmother with needing things to be about her (and her husband/family) and wanting others to be unhappy because they are etc...I wish I could tell you that everything will be totally fine, but my unfortunate experience while planning my wedding is that weddings don''t change people or magically make them unselfish, and you are going to be disappointed if you are hoping for that. However, what did help for me was to dissociate myself from these people in my life as much as possible, both physically and emotionally. I''ve actually been seeing a counselor to talk about these issues with my stepmom and dad, and he told me that there are people in your life (and in this case your FI''s life as well) that can''t give you what you need, and the best thing to do is to try to distance yourself as much as possible and cultivate indifference to their actions that are intended to be hurtful. Also try to expect their bad behaviour so you won''t be blindsided by it. There are people who can change (my FILs have really come around dramatically), but some people can''t and its important to try not to expect too much.

On the other hand, you don''t want to be unhappy planning your wedding or at your wedding, and the thing that I found that really helped with that was focusing on the relationships in my life that were good. It sounds like your family is wonderful and supportive, so make sure to involve them as much as possible and share your joy with them. Your FI sounds like he truly loves you and wants to make things work, so try to share the joy of planning with him as well, and also be sure to make plenty of time that isn''t wedding-centered for you two to enjoy each other''s company and be together. I think planning the wedding yourself is ideal and I would not plan on taking a cent from your FILs.

Anyway, I don''t want this post to sound gloomy because its really not. My wedding and the week leading up to it were some of the most wonderful, memorable times in my life, and I felt (and feel) truly blessed by all the wonderful people in my life who love me and support me and are happy for me, and accepting and not caring about how the others act allows me to appreciate and enjoy that much more fully.

Best of luck!

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Anchor,

Well it sounds as though wedding plans have brought out some fierce emotions!

When I first talked about getting engaged (casually) about 1 year ago, my mother FREAKED OUT. She said I was rushing things, etc., what was the hurry, that I should wait until I was sure, etc. Now bear in mind that I was 25 years old and had been with my boyfriend for 9 years. She was VERY UNHAPPY and said she would NEVER give us her blessing, even though we were only planning on getting married in 2008.

After a few months, of talking to her gently, explaining that I wasn''t going to disappear off the face of the earth, etc., she calmed down and was thrilled when the engagement did occur. Now I''m a hot tempered emotional girl, but I DO realize that weddings can be a very difficult time for parents, because they may initially feel like they are losing their children. So don''t lose hope or make and drastic decisions! FMIL may just need some adjustement time, and she''ll be better.

That being said, I think it''s equally important to do what YOU want. But I think it''s important to make them feel that they aren''t being slighted. For example, my mom is super traditional Vietnamese, and wants Viet food, Viet wedding etc. To her it''s a matter of pride. I talked to her gently, and said "Wouldn''t it be fun for our Vietnamese-traditional family to get a mix of both Quebecois and Viet food? It will be something different that they haven''t done before?" She thought it over and decided that she hadn''t gone to a wedding like that before and it would be fun.

Then when talking about colors, I wanted a purple theme without ANY white. My FMIL said to me, " Purple is the color of death in our culture" Well they AREN''T paying or contributing but I like almost all colors, so I''m picking another color. Basically I decided on my key sticking points i.e church size + location and location of the reception, number of guests, budget, but everything else, I''m willing to be flexible. I truly want to have a happy wedding, with both families present and smiling

. I think it sets an important precident for the rest of my life, afterall, the wedding is 1 day, and bad feelings about the wedding can last A LOT longer. So sometimes, I''ll let them get away with a few unreasonable demands.

As for your sister, if she is close to you, she might feel jealous of your engagement, or feel excluded from the process or from your life. It''s a big change for her. Maybe take sometime with her, talk about it etc and she''ll come around to the idea and to J.

And I''m DEFINITELY NOT saying that any of this behavior is right. What I''m saying that when it comes to family relations and wedding plans....sometimes you have to be a terrific diplomat to pull it off without any bad feelings. It''s this delicate balancing act between being firm and flexible, having everything you want, and a ecstatic family present on the big day.

Take care!

 

[rainbowtrout]

Anchor:

You have WONDERFUL written English. I wish my French were as flawless...unfort I started at 13, a little bit old for perfect fluency when it's a classroom language. I get by well enough for Parisians to ask me if I lived in Paris, and francophones to ask me if I am FROM Paris (hahaha) but I always am most scared by the possibility of saying something stupid in writing.

From what I've studied, Quebecois French is sort of time-warped 17th century French that went its own way. Fascinating and beautiful--and less prissy in a lot of ways. I do agree that English has some edge with the bluntness! French can be so witty/elegant but convoluted and hierarchical a lot of the time. Less bastardized vocabulary to draw on as well

Anyway, I know this isn't to do with your family, sorry

I get a little overexcited about languages!

 

[Amanda21]

Hi Anchor

,

I modified my prior post out of guilt - my FI spoke to my future in-laws, and things are no longer as hopeless.

I definately think it's a good idea to separate the wedding planning as much as you can from the in-laws. If they don't like the wedding you and your fiance plan, they don't have to come.

Hang in there!

 

[anchor31]

Thank you so very much for your support everyone... J has had a final talk with his mom and she blamed him for not telling her when he was going to propose... He didn''t even know he was going to do it that day!

So... we''re cutting them off and that''s that. Thanks for the advice and shared experiences. I''ll do my best to be nice, and we just won''t talk wedding plans with them.

Date: 7/28/2006 10:19:57 AM
Author: albicocca

Also: I''m so sorry to hear about your sister!!!

This is your twin, right? Who I think you said once is no where near ready to get married? I''m sure all of her comments were just coming out of her weird feelings there, just being freaked out that her twin could be ready for something that she is so clearly not ready for, mixed with a little envy that maybe SHE should be there too. Aka - all HER issues, don''t take anything she says about you or your fiance seriously when she''s just muddled up about what she''s feeling for herself!

GOOD LUCK with everything!!!!!! Hugs!!!!!!

I think you''re right, and it makes me feel better to see it this way. I''ll let the anger die down and we''ll see what happens. I was planning on asking her to be my MOH, now I''m not so sure... She tends to hold grudges. Fortunately there''s no rush, I just hope she doesn''t stay angry for too long.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hi Anchor! I''m sorry your FIL''s are still being a pain. I''m happy that you and J thought of a plan of action. Stick to your guns and good luck with your sister!

 

[galeteia]

Since I''ve been dealing with the FIL issues lately, I''ve been mulling over this sort of thing a fair bit with some friends and my mother. My housemate said that a girl needs to feel that when it comes down to you and your FIL, your FI will stand up for you against his family. My mother simply said that every woman wants to feel worth fighting for.

So I guess I''m saying that the silver lining in all this (since you may be really desperate for one at this point) is that you know for sure that your FI is in your corner, and puts you and your needs before his family''s.

It sounds like you''ve got a champion there willing to stand up and fight off the monsters for you-- especially when that monster is his own family!

 

[anchor31]

Thank you, IrishAngel and Galateia! I''m very happy to say that the storm seems to have passed. For now...

I am extremely proud of my FI for standing up for us and our wedding and marriage! Things are going really well between us, we''re so happy to be engaged to each other! He calls me his future wife all the time and tells me he can''t wait to marry me...

No one will stop us to have our dream wedding and a wonderful life together!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

That''s a great attitude to have Anchor! I hope they agree to support YOUR wedding and YOUR decisions, since you''ve already made it clear that this marriage is about you. Congratulations!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks IrishAngel! I hope so too!

 

[anchor31]

Things are pretty much as though nothing happened right now. No apology, no nothing. I''m feeling pretty resentful at the hypocrisy, but at least the future in-laws throwing tantrums anymore. Unfortunately, my FI had a breakdown on Sunday and told me that things are really awful with his parents since we''re engaged. They''re not throwing tantrums, but they seem intent on making him miserable. It doesn''t exactly surprise me, their mission in life seems to be to make sure nobody''s happy, but it makes me really angry. Ugh!

Especially now that my ring is getting recast and I won''t have it for the next couple of weeks, being engaged seems to have lost all its "shiny-ness"...

I asked my FI on a date tomorrow so we can spend some quality time together and reconnect, maybe it''ll bring some of the excitement back! J is already teasing me about having a date with his fiancée tomorrow so he won''t be having dinner with me (silly man...

), so it should help.