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Stressed and Depressed

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bobbin

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
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Hi everyone

I have been MIA for a while now but have been lurking a lot and am loving the ideas I get from PS. I feel really bad about venting here but I just don''t know anyone else who will understand the stress of planning a wedding and will be able to give me reasoned advice like PS''ers do.

FI and I have just had a really unlucky run over the past year or so, but particularly in the last few months.

In December 08, I lost my job, and as I had less than a year left for my degree, I was unable to find any meaningful, permanent work and have been working temp jobs ever since. I finished my degree and was admitted to the bar in Feb, and even though I have good grades, 2 years of undergrad experience, have been selected for interstate mooting competitions etc, I have been unable to secure work as a lawyer. I am from Australia, and whilst the employment situation for lawyers is bad at the moment, it isn''t as bad as in America and I should be able to find work. I am currently working as a secretary for a very demanding, needy and not very capable boss and am desperate to get out of my three month contract with her.

Then just before we were engaged last November, FI lost his job (he had been there for 4 years). He got another job in December, but the contract he was working on fell through and he lost his job again in Feb. He was out of work for a month and is now 2 weeks into a 5 week contract. However, it doesn''t look like that contract will be extended.

We have a mortgage and only about $5000 in savings. We were planning on paying for the wedding ourselves but we probably won''t be able to afford it now. Before FI lost his job for the second time we had already entered into $6500 worth of contracts for the wedding (which is in December this year).

Then, on Sunday we were in a car accident (I was the driver) in which the car rolled over on a dirt road. I was terrified and actually thought someone was going to die. I went into shock for about 12 hours. Our (only) car has probably been written off and we are waiting to hear back from the insurance company.

I am just feeling so stressed out and depressed. I am unable to enjoy wedding planning because I do not know where the money will come from. I know that our parents will help out if we need them to, but I REALLY wanted to pay for the wedding ourselves. I do not see our marriage as being anything to do with our parents, and our parents do not even really care about marriage or weddings so I feel really guilty asking them to pay for any of it.

On top of that, my two bridesmaids are moving away from my town soon. One to a town about three hours away and the other one to the UK for six months. My MOH lives interstate. So I will have no-one to help me with wedding planning once that happens. The bridesmaid going to the UK asked me to lock in my hens night for a week before the wedding as she wanted to be there, but she has booked her tickets so that she will be flying in the day of the hens night! I don''t think she is going to be there somehow.

I am so sorry for the novel, I have just had all of this brewing inside of me for a while now and once I started typing it I couldn''t stop! I am not sure what I am looking for, but any advice or comments would be great.
 

choro72

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 11, 2008
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I''m so sorry bobbin...Life gets in the way of good plans, doesn''t it? My DH lost his job 6 months before our wedding date. Since my student income barely supports myself, we canceled that wedding. We lost about $1500 in deposit money, but it was worth it compared to all other payment we were about to make. DH had gone through 3 different contract jobs before we felt safe to start planning again.

For practical purposes, we had the civil ceremony last year and held our wedding a month ago; more than a year after we were legally married. We still had a bachelor and bachelorette party, ceremony with a pastor, first dance, and everyone celebrated with us as if we had JUST gotten married.

What I''m trying to say is, maybe it will be good for your state of mind to postpone the wedding? This way we were able to pay our wedding, and who knows, it might end up better than what you are planning the first time. We liked our second location much better than the first one! Nobody will judge you for it, and everyone will congratulate you as if it was planned this way all along.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
 

Lozza

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 10, 2009
Messages
123
I don''t have a lot of advice for you, but I''m really sorry it''s working out this way. I''m in Australia too, and while I''m not a lawyer, I''m finding the job market is picking up a lot at the moment. Hopefully you''ll find something soon.

Good luck!
 

Deelight

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 4, 2007
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awww hun hugs sounds like you are having a run of bad luck I wish you lots of good luck - things will get better.
 

oddoneout

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2007
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3,002
I''m so sorry all these bad things have happenned. Could you just have a small/cheaper wedding and then have a more expensive party/celebration when you have more money?
 

princessplease

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
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5,496
I''m sorry you''re going through such a hard time ::hugs:: I know it''s hard to accept help to pay for the wedding when you were set on paying for it yourselves, but you said your family is more than willing to help you guys, so just let them. They want the day to be just as special as you want it to be, so why not take the stress of that off of your plate. Maybe you and FI need to take a weekend away from home, wedding plans and job stress and just relax with each other (even camping will suffice) so you guys just can focus on each other without the stress of daily life interfering.
 

purselover

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
Ohh Sweetie, I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better! I''m sorry you and your FI are going through such difficult times. I hope you both find new jobs asap and I''m so glad you''re both okay after such a terrifying accident.

***HUGS***
 

caribqueen

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 22, 2008
Messages
507
Bobbin, I feel your pain, and I mean that. They say "when it rains it pours" and the one consolation I take away from all this stress is that our marriage will be more realistic and less like a fairy tale because of what we''ve endured.

Please try to stay hopeful. For me personally, I had to be faithful believing that this too shall pass.

I can relate. Before FI and I got engaged last year, he was down-sized from his job 8 months prior, only to be moved into another job last-minute at the same company. While all that was going on, he was also dealing with some medical issues that was also draining money. Three months after we got engaged, my work contract ended without a renewal (budget issues). At the end of last year, FI found out his job would be letting even more people go including himself (again), but thankfully he was offered a job closer to our families and we''re now trying to get back on our feet.

My parents had always planned and dreamed of throwing me a wedding when and if it happened. So from the get-go they had been paying for it. My mother says, that this is the time to be grateful that we have family support and stay positive that things will get better.

I hope my story can offer you a tiny bit of hope. Because even though FI and I had work issues because of our industries, we are now closer to family, which has made our wedding planning much easier and the stress of the job market more bearable.

I think FI''s and my recent experiences are teaching us to be more resilient, because life is hard. You also need to remember that even though people may seem like their life is perfect and they have no problems, you don''t know what''s happening behind closed doors and what issues they''re dealing with. Everyone has a little bit of "mess."

If your family has expressed support and help in paying for your wedding, I don''t think there''s anything terribly wrong with that. But if you''re not comfortable, then maybe postponing or eloping now and having a big celebration later is a consideration.

Please keep the faith.
 

Prana

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
1,321
I''m sorry for your troubles bobbin. Life has a funny way of being really crummy sometimes. I don''t really have any advice to give, because what you are going through is just so tough. Try to keep your chin up, realize that parts of life are only temporary, and you will survive through all of this. Big (((((((hug)))))))) for you!
 

LilyKat

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2009
Messages
835
Bobbin, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.

How much money would you actually lose if you cancelled the wedding? (ie how much of the $6500 worth of contracts is non-refundable)? You could still get married - just without all the hoopla of a big wedding. Choro's approach of a simple ceremony, and then a big party later when funds allow, is a very sensible one.

An alternative would be accepting the money from your parents on the understanding that you will, eventually, repay them - a sort of flexible loan. Maybe that would make you feel better about using the money?

In terms of your career, I would definitely try getting the opinion of someone experienced in your field as to why you aren't getting offers. Have you tried contacting employers you applied to, to see if they could give you feedback on your weak areas? Keep persevering and don't lose hope.

Whatever you decide to do, I really hope things start getting better soon.
 

shertz1981

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
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478
I''m so sorry you''re going through this, Bobbin. No good words of advice, but the other ladies here are very wise :)
 

Blackpaw

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 26, 2008
Messages
2,469
Oh bobbin im so sorry. i dont have any advice to give (im sure the ladies here will chime in though), but im sending dust and prayers your way that things work out for the better.

oh and i hope you and your SO are ok from the accident.
 

lulu66

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 21, 2009
Messages
1,304
::HUGS:: absolutely no advice (i''m trying not to stress about our wedding planning too, so i can relate!) but maybe just focus on the positives. thankfully, no one was hurt in the car accident. you have each other & presumably a roof over your head & food to eat. i know it''s a hard stressful time right now, being made even more stressful by things beyond your control but try to focus on the goal: you & your fi will be married. as for financial contracts already entered into, you can ask your parents for financially help or see if there is a way out of the contracts & replan your wedding with your new finances in mind.

i really wish you all the best! and please feel free to vent whenever you need; sometimes it just helps to let it out & i think pricescope''s perfect when you don''t want to unduly burden people in your real life.
 

bobbin

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
473
Thanks everyone

I mostly feel okay but I am just really bored in my job and that has quite an impact on the rest of my life, including my self esteem, relationships and social life. Combine that with financial stress and it is difficult.

I had a job interview today for a job that would be slightly more interesting and would involve a $11,000.00 annual pay rise which would help.

The problem with cutting costs is that we are already doing things as cheaply as we can. The budget for my dress is $200-500, the reception is at a bowls club with meals being $25pp, drinks at the bowls club are very cheap (friends of ours paid $2000 for full bar for 120 people for 5 hours) and we are only doing beer wine and champagne, we are not having wedding cars, we are not having flowers, we are not having a fancy cake, the bridesmaids are wearing dresses they already own, we are getting our invitations for around $80, etc.

I had thought about postponing the wedding, but I just want to get it out of the way! I don''t want to think about it anymore. It is weighing heavily in the back of my mind and I want it D.O.N.E. I wanted to have a small wedding with the reception later, but it has sort of warped into a normal wedding anyway! FI definitely wants his parents there so we can''t just elope and then we get pressure to have other family members there and it snowballs!

However, FMIL and FFIL have offered to help out and we think we will ask them to pay for the booze or the catering. We are paying off the photography over the year, and then we will probably ask my parents to pay for the catering/alcohol, whichever the inlaws don''t pay for. They are the three biggest expenses.

My parents have always paid a certain amount off my student debts each year for my birthday/christmas so I was thinking that I would ask them to put that towards the wedding instead. Last year it was $1000 so that would really help.

We also will both receive refunds on our tax return this year which will go towards the wedding so that should be at least another $1000.

So I think what I am saying is that although it is really stressful because I do not know for sure where it is coming from, I think we will be able to meet the contracts with a bit of help. I am just a bit reluctant to ask for that help because I am proud. My bridesmaid keeps telling me that I just have to get over it and I know she is right, but I also know that my wedding is not that important to my parents and it feels self indulgent asking them.

Thank you everyone for your concern about the car crash also. Luckily there were no other cars coming and there were no trees around so FI, myself and FBIL all walked away without a scratch. I went into shock for around 12 hours but that was the extent of it. I called one of my bridesmaids in tears about ten hours after the accident and just cried on the phone to her!

I think I am also feeling much more positive today because I was really sick yesterday and I always find it hard to cope when I am sick
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EmDressage

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2010
Messages
57
*hug*
You can handle this! I can definitely understand. In this case, like you mentioned, it can definitely be to y''alls (and your wallets'') advantage to take the offers that people give you to help and to ask for help from friends and family. If not financially, then to be responsible for something for the wedding, such as baking something or arranging flowers, etc. I believe that the close family and friends want to help, you just need to ask for it or accept their help, to relieve the financial pressure from both of you, if nothing else. :)
Enjoy!
-Em
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PumpkinPie

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 17, 2010
Messages
2,841
Im so sorry to hear about your stressful year - I hope things start to pick up for you. *hugs*
 
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