Registry Crad/Gift Frustration (grrrrr)

[musey]

HAHA I just saw that I typed "Crad" instead of "Card" in the subject line. Good grief.

Sort of an offshoot of the wedding website thread in the LIW...

I find the whole "gift" thing at weddings incredibly frustrating. I wish it weren't such an expectation that each guest bring a gift. Then those who so kindly take the time to purchase and send the couple a gift are mostly thought of as just doing their guestly "duty," rather than being kind and gracious guests.

The thing that irks me is that there are such split camps as far as the etiquette for "informing" guests of the registry. In my mind (and in our case), the polite thing to do would be not to include it in the invitations at all... and those who want to purchase a gift will ask about it. However, I'd guess that 75% of our guests wouldn't think to purchase a gift at all if it weren't "hinted" at by including that info. And that would be just fine if there weren't this expectation that that is what guests "do."

My parents have been insisting that we include registry info because otherwise, ____ forbid, there will be guests who won't bring gifts

/

I sort of feel like, well, so what? It's a party that we're throwing, why do we have to expect people to give us gifts? Because we're paying $120 per head? But is that really a reason?? If it were any other type of party, we wouldn't register for gifts. But you tack the word "wedding" onto it, and automatically there's this sort of expectation that all the guests have to live up to the "pay for your plate" thing (which is a whole other can of worms, most of the people we've chatted about wedding things to say "Goodness, it must be so expensive! What does it come out to, $40 or $50 per person?"

)


Anyway, I'm really torn and confused and honestly don't even know where I stand on it. I'd like to say "no gifts" and call it a day, but there will be people that still bring them, and I don't want them to pick out absolutely random things (or do I?). Moreover, it puts the guests that do and don't bring gifts into different sort of "categories" of guests.

I'm fully aware that I'm overreacting and overthinking. I just wish the whole "you must bring the bride and groom a gift" thing didn't exist.

Anyone want to PARAPHRASE my nonsense??

PHEW!



...I thought I should add a little disclaimer: I am just shy of 23 and new to the whole "wedding etiquette" thing. Part of this is my shock and shame at discovering that I have been a "bad guest" in the past because NO ONE TOLD ME you were supposed to ask about registries and gifts and come with a pricey token of your love and appreciation. There. I said it.

 

[ChinaCat]

Musey-

Well, as far as I know, it is considered "tacky" to put where you are registered on the invites. In this day and age, I am not sure why, but as far as proper etiquette goes, it doesn''t go on the invitation. Usually it goes on shower invites, or if you do a website you can direct guests to that, or include a card with the website for "more details".

However, that being said, you should do whatever you feel comfortable doing!!!

As far as your apathy/confusion about whether you want gifts, two things come to mind:

1. If you really don''t want gifts, you could pick a charity and ask guests to donate to that charity in your name instead.

2. I registered b/c I actually needed most of the stuff and b/c many of my parents friends would have bought gifts anyways. And if someone wants to buy you a gift, it is much easier for them to pick something off a registry. Plus otherwise you get a bunch of stuff you don''t want.

Just my two cents! Registering was kind of fun...

 

[saltymuffin]

We eloped, so didn't really have to worry about this issue. (Although I have heard of people eloping and still registering for gifts). I expect to receive a few small gifts from close friends and family.

BUT I can speak about 3 weddings I have been to recently.

#1 - Did not register as they did not want it to seem like they 'expected' gfts.
They recived a huge assortment of, um . . . crap.

#2 - Registered for a small amount of items "for people who couldn't come up with their own ideas". Indicated on the information card included with the invitation that "gifts are not expected, but if you are looking for ideas . . ." and included the registry info. The registry was filled very quickly and they had to register for more. They received everything they registered for, but since it was done in two batches, it wasn't the best thought out collection of things.

#3 - Registered, but did not indicate it anywhere with the invitation. Those who were interested in buying a gift, contacted them or their parents for the registry info. This worked the best. They didn't get everything on the registry, but for the most part, got things they wanted, or very nice "heartfelt" gifts from the people who did their own thing.

People want to buy a gift, but they don't want to be solicited. Most people would rather buy something that they know you will want off of a registry than possibly waste their $ on something you won't like. For this reason a registry is a good idea. Including the information on the invitation is not a comfortable thing for most of us. I really don't think you need to. People are resorceful, and parents are good gossips. If you have the registry there, you can be assured that word will get out.

 

[misysu2]

This is good to hear for me too. I am not planning on having a bridal shower and a LOT of my guests aren't computer savvy enough to find my website and registry info (like grandparents!) Received some "registry cards" from my two stores and was wondering if I should use them.

We will be including info sheets in the invites, including directions, flight info, etc. Instead of including the cards in the invites, could I write something like this on the info sheet, "For more information, see (website) or contact hosts, (bride's parents), at (phone number)?

 

[musey]

Salty, I think sitch #3 would work well for us. We have been playing around with registries (we''re not close enough to the event to make a real one yet) so we definitely planned on having one, it was just an issue of whether or not to include it on the invitations, since I reeeeaally didn''t want to.

We road-tripped to a wedding this past weekend with a group of friends, and I mentioned something about their registries and which one we''d bought from. Every single person there got this look of horror on their face: "Registry? What registry? We were supposed to get a gift??" There were 12 of us, all 22-25, and FI and I were the only ones who''d gotten the bride and groom gifts. The others in our group were uncomfortable during the entire reception because they felt so guilty.

I really want to avoid something like that happening.


We have a simple wedding website that just has maps/directions and a list of available accommodations in the area. Maybe we should tuck a link for the registry in there, somewhere discreet.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/17/2007 12:40:55 PM
Author: misysu2

Instead of including the cards in the invites, could I write something like this on the info sheet, ''For more information, see (website) or contact hosts, (bride''s parents), at (phone number)?

Misysu, that sounds like a good idea. We have many non-computer-savvy guests as well!

 

[janinegirly]

etiquette can be annoying, but does serve a purpose. a wedding is not really the same as throwing a party as it''s much more expensive (most likely the most expensive event we''ll have to plan!) and is seeped in all kinds of traditions and since everyone can relate to a wedding (had one or been to one), there are also inevitable comparisons/expectations that are part of human nature. Etiquette helps us sort through that. It should be used as a guideline though and not obsessively.

So even though you might not be a fan of it, a wedding invovles so many others (family, bridal party, parents, guests) so you''d have to take that into consideration.
I don''t see a problem at all with the "guests should bring" gifts concept. Just like it''s accepttable for parents of the bride to pay for the entire evening for all guests and their guests. In a different setting, that might seem absurd! BUT if gift giving is somethign you don''t care for and you''re paying for the wedding, then it''s all up to you and I''m sure your guests won''t fight it!

Putting a wedding website on an invitation is perfectly acceptable. We did, and many still did not see it. So it''s subtle but still out there. And I did have some guests who did not bring gifts, and admittedly I was insulted. Mostly because we had guests on fixed incomes who gave too much and then the ones who did not give were quite the opposite. So there are messages between the lines. Of course if you go the non-traditional route, then you could take comfort in nothing is the "norm" so anything you''d like goes. However, for a traditional, formal wedding, I think host AND guest etiquette cannot be ignored.

 

[misysu2]

I added registry info to my website, but I''m afraid people aren''t going to know there''s a registry if it''s not blatant right in their face info. Am I underestimating the guests? I know I never thought about registry info when I went to weddings unless it was stated somewhere obvious, but I''ve never been to one with a website. Not sure how much it would actually be consulted...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Um, I just went to a wedding the other weekend and I received an almost teary thank you email (notes going out asap) from the bride thanking us for our extremely generous gift (cash, not a huge amount either). Apparently only 2 out of the 8 couples there that were her friends (including the wedding party) gave gifts. Many of the couples didn''t even give them a card to acknowledge the wedding/being there. I felt so bad for her!

Musey, it sounds like your mom might be the perfect person to take the role of registry informant. Why don''t you let her pass along the info via word of mouth?

 

[surfgirl]

musey...you're full of crad! There, I said it.

Crad...yeah, well you DO get a lot of crad if you dont register. That's pretty much a fact of the wedding world isn't it? We only got a handful of gifts thus far and while a few were "the thing the couple gives to all bridal couples" and was nice, they're just not our style at all. So not really crad per se, but nothing we'll ever use. That said, my sister really pushed me to register even though we eloped and wouldn't you know, most people that want to send a wedding gift have asked my mother where we're registered. I too felt/feel weird "registering" at all because as an adult I feel like I'm saying, "well even though I dont expect a gift I registered because really, I expect a gift!" I feel your pain musey. You're a crad avoider!

That said, janine is also correct - etiquette exists to give us guidelines as to what "well mannered" folks do in often awkward social situations to allow people to feel more comfortable. And what could be more etiquette laden than a wedding? Anyway, I have to say that both my cousins are getting married and they both have websites and to be honest, all I thought when I saw their sites was "oh, this is so they can advertise where they're registered." I dont care for wedding websites and it makes me feel like it's a pretext for advertising where one is registered. Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying people who do that are tacky or ill mannered or anything like that, I'm just saying that that is my personal reaction to the inclusion of registr information on one's wedding site. I think option #3 is the most discreet way to go if you don't want to feel like you're asking for gifts. If people are going to get you a gift, they'll either do whatever they want anyway (and yeah, it'll probably be crad), or they'll ask the parents/family/close friends of the couple "do you know where they're registered?" Word of mouth works for me.

musey, I've gotta say though, I'm amazed that so many of your friends had no clue to ask about a registry. Perhaps this was the first couple getting married in their life? I suppose I didn't know about registries back in the day either...when my first friend got married I got her an antique trunk, the second friend got an antique crystal vase (and no, I didn't even get a card from either one for my marriage, thank you very much. I'm not bitter though...

), and I usually do non-registry gifts, though I promise they're not crad!

HH, please let your friend know that people can take a long time to get a wedding gift out there. We're still getting things and we got married in August...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

We were whole-heartedly opposed to gifts. My husband and I felt that the wedding was something we were throwing for our famillies to celebrate a commitment we were making to each other and we preferred "presence" and not "presents". (ha!) So no bridal shower and up to about a month until the wedding, no registry.

We politely informed our guests that no gift were necessary or even expected and basically what we got back was "if you don''t register, we''ll just write you a check", which made us feel kind of bad.

So this was my solution: I registered for INEXPENSIVE items, that way people wouldn''t feel bad showing up empty handed, but also wouldn''t have to break the bank for a gift. I think the most expensive thing on our registry was $50--and we only told those people who asked about a registry that we had one, so what we ultimately ended up doing was going with saltymuffin''s option #3.

Some people brought nothing, some people still wrote checks, some bought off the registry, some didn''t and SOME went above and beyond either buying us multiple items off the list or going off of our registry and buying expensive things (like my wonderful cousin who bought me Calaphon cookware I''ve been coveting for a long time). We still feel a bit guilty about.

Musey, just talk with FH and figure out what works for you guys. I completley understand not wanting gifts, but I can guarantee that people are going to want to give them, so either you''ll end up with a bunch of checks and tea pots or you can try to figure out a way to register that makes you happy--like registering for a honeymoon, a charity or some random stuff around the house you might need--or need to replace!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I know that etiquette states that you have up to a year after the event to send a gift however we''re a VERY close group of friends and unfortunately this bride took it personally. I understand that some people can''t afford to swing the travel costs AND a gift, but I really think a card should be given to say congrats.

 

[saltymuffin]

Word of mouth really does work wonders. I was "in the background" for my brothers wedding, and saw first hand how much gossip goes on between female relatives about everything wedding related. It sounds to me that your mother would be one who would get the word out!

People who have been to weddings before - grandmothers, and older non-computer savvy types, know how weddings work, and know about registries. If they don''t hear about the registry, they''ll ask. Younger friends either know you well enough to buy something thoughtful off-registry, or are poor or clueless. Quite honestly, I think they deserve a break. A card is nice, but if they are clueless, they are. At least they came, right?

Just remember, if you don''t want to ask for gifts then don''t expect them. And be sure to gratefully acknowledge each gift you do get. You can''t control others level of etiquette, just your own.

 

[janinegirly]

hudson..i agree with you! same thing happened to me...3 close friends gave nothing. many ppl have told me they have a year..but i'm still kind of insulted. invites went out 2 mo's prior to wedding, save the date 7 mo's prior, they were in close contact with me during the wedding planning..there really isn't much excuse. To me the 1yr rule is a convenient way to avoid giving a gift...after a year, i'm not going to be tracking and following up! iplus the damage is done. imagine if i said to certain guests, you'll get your favor in a year

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Janine, this happened with us, too. And obviously I don''t care about the lack of gift, but I was a teeny, tiny bit sad that we didn''t get a card just because I really enjoy the cards. Only two people did this, but with such a small wedding where we have a strong relationship with every guest, I was surprised. Now I don''t know if I need to send a thank you card. I almost feel silly saying "thanks for coming to our wedding" and that''s it, but not sending a thank you might be rude? Ugh, I don''t know.

 

[saltymuffin]

I really don''t think you need to send a thank-you to someone who didn''t bring anything . . . but there was some talk on another thread about gifts/cards getting lost or stolen. It is possible that you friends did bring something and you just never got it.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I would send a card to say thanks for spending the day with you guys.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Sorry, didn''t mean to hijack! Yeah, because where we had the wedding was a house, we figured it was easy to misplace something and called them to make sure we didn''t leave any card/gift behind. Nope, they just didn''t bring anything and I could tell they were upset that we asked. Oops!

 

[cara]

You know the right thing to do here.

Don't include the info in the invite! Some people will bring gifts, some woln't, some will leave a card with money, some may give a card with no money, some will give nothing.

To say that you should include the registry info to save people from themselves is really paternalistic. You aren't their mother.

One is not actually required to give a wedding gift in exchange for attending a wedding. It is merely customary. The only party that requires guests to bring a present is a shower.

ETA: Its actually rude to specify "no gifts" on an invite as well, in case that is your inclination. A "no gifts" preference should be spread word of mouth just like registry information, as you are not supposed to be expecting gifts when you issue an invitation, thus you are not supposed to mention gifts at all.

Some people will want to give you gifts even if you don't want them, and you are supposed to accept them graciously anyway. Only if people ask you your preferences are you supposed to tell them where you are registered or tell them you prefer no gifts.

 

[Mara]

i think the best thing i have seen kind of addressing this on a website is something along the lines of "your presence at our wedding is the best gift you could give us...but we have also registered at XYZ'' ... they worded it even better than that but i thought it was a graceful way of handling the situation. i also was hemming about the whole pay for your plate thing but it''s a destination wedding so it''s costing us a lot to go as well, but then when i saw that comment i immediately felt better about not sending a $200 gift (we spent $80-90 on the wedding gift, and had send a $50 engagement gift). i think it''s something that does create anxiety for all parties, so just be graceful about it or give people options. good luck!

 

[janinegirly]

wow cara, that's pretty strict although i guess makes sense.

customary , required, it's all the same to me. there's an expectation to provide the couple with a gift (or at least a card expressing congrats/thanks) and it has become customary and everyone knows it. those who pretend to not know it, or use the 1 yr excuse, or state that it's not "required" are basically saying one thing, they don't want to give a gift. and a couple has every right to be insulted bc well it sends a message beyond the gift. (disclaimer: this doesn't apply to cases where couple asks for "no gifts please" and i'm also not referring to guests who can't afford a gift. in my case those who couldn't afford it gave too much! how ironic...)

and in fact i had one friend who came to the shower empty handed, AND my wedding empty handed. inside, i wanted to dis-invite her after the shower, but of course diidn't and instead made sure she felt welcome. boy i sound quite nasty today, but in my opinion, no thank you note for those who did not bring a gift! if there's a message i'd like to convey ("thank you for coming", or "hope your gift wasn't 'cough, cough' lost"), then maybe i'll email, but i just don't want to spend more $$ on a thank you card for non-gifters.

overall we only had 3-4 who came empty handed, so not the end of the world, just too bad they were my close friends who also travelled locally whichmakes it harder for me to swallow.

ps we did include our wedding website with our invite (on the reception card only) and i don't think it was presumptuous. our wedding was out of town for many and i had a lot of info i could never fit in with an invite (directions, airport info, hotels, directions to ceremony vs. reception etc etc). What was most surprising was how many people still asked questions/registry info, so this tells me only about 30-40% actually noticed it (we made it smaller font than the rest of the wording). I have to say, in the last weeks before the wedding, i was thankful to be able to say "see our website" when i started to get the same questions over and over...

 

[surfgirl]

I sympathize with the "all we wanted was a card" group...That''s really how I feel as well. In fact, my cousin sent us a heartfelt card and not only was what she wrote tear-inducing, she said she loved the calligraphy on the envelope and her name never looked so good before. That? Made me feel like a million bucks. It''s funny how something as simple as a card - especially for a wedding - makes such an impact on us. I mean, if my friends call or email me to wish me a Happy Birthday, I''m fine with that and I totally appreciate that they remembered it was my birthday. But for my wedding? I''d hoped for a card from those closest to me. I certainly dont expect gifts but yeah, the card is king. I think another interesting issue with gift/registry crad (sorry musey but that cracks me up!) is the level of emotion tied up in it all. Why is it alright to me for my friends and family to email or call for my birthday but I''m offended when they only email/call for my marriage and dont send a card? I haven''t figured that out yet. Is it because marriage is (supposed to be) once in a lifetime?

Sorry to threadjack...Just thinking aloud.

 

[musey]

I guess I should say that it's not the people that don't bring gifts, necessarily, that would/will bother me... it's the fact that etiquette/customs suggest/demand a gift be given in this situation, yet so many are unaware of that.

In the instance of the wedding I attended this past weekend, even FI himself would have forgotten to send a gift had I not reminded him. None of our friends thought of it ahead of time, and spent the 2 hours of reception time feeling guilty and not spending as much time talking to the bride (our friend) because they felt embarrassed. ETA: Their guilt was aggravated by how "nice" they thought the reception was. For reference, they had buffet-style finger foods (not entrees), no alcohol (LDS wedding), and a not-so-great DJ who really was a glorified iTunes playlist. Very inexpensive decor. I am in no way criticizing their reception, but I'd guess our budget to be 4x theirs... and if our friends felt guilty not bringing gifts to such a "beautiful" reception, how will they feel at ours??

I just really, really hope that people won't end up feeling that way at my own wedding. I could care less if they choose not to get me a gift for financial reasons or whatever, but I fear that not getting a gift may rather be due to forgetfulness or ignorance of etiquette, which may lead to the same uncomfortable tension with my guests that I saw over the weekend.

So either I make it plain as day , and risk offending many who see it as pushy... OR I let word-of-mouth take care of it and risk some guests avoiding me at the reception due to their guilt over forgetting or not knowing to get a gift.


I'm sure it won't be a big deal, but after watching a group of our friends FREAK over this, I got irked at etiquette

 

[cara]

Well... I guess I see the "customary" vs. "required" as the wiggle room for those of limited means or limited cluefullness. Both the clueless and those of limited means need to go buy an (inexpensive) gift for a shower, but limited means may safely skip the wedding gift if their presence is already a financial stretch.

While for the clueless, unbothered by their neglect of custom, it is easier for me to remain unbothered by their neglect of giving me a present after funding their meal at my wedding by remembering that (1) presents aren''t required (2) I''m not supposed to expect them and (3) wasn''t their presence a gift?

So I do get bothered by those clueless that I didn''t want to invite in the first place, but it helps me ignore the lack-of-gift for everyone else.

Hmm... or maybe its just the self-serving justification that I failed to give a few wedding gifts when I was clueless or poor or procrastinated with the "I have a year" excuse and feel like the poor, clueless procrastinators deserved some slack?

 

[Harleigh]

Thanks for bringing up these crad issues, musey...I think a lot of us have many of the same questions/concerns, etc...

Lots of helpful insight and ideas, ladies...thank you!

 

[janinegirly]

cara, ha...i guess it's interesting considering the different perspectives.

i guess i'm most harsh on my close friends b/c yes, i had higher expectations and know their situation (ie not limited). and i cut them less slack on procrastination b/c as close friends, i start to see it as laziness.

meanwhile on my poor husband's side, he had a couple friends whose wedding parties he was in (so spent lots of $$ when he really couldn't afford it back then). He was a soldier groomsman through it all and even once was asked to be a groomsmen when he barely knew the groom! But when it came time for him, some of those friends came up with lames excuses and did not even attend as a guest or send congrats! (I should say that his other friends came through big time though!

).
For me, i noticed that less, bc it was just faceless guests, but when it's people you know well who are committing any kind of faux pas, i think it's harder not to be insulted.

ok. now i have to apologize for hijacking, i'm done for the day, i promise!

 

[cara]

Date: 10/17/2007 4:13:11 PM
Author: musey
I guess I should say that it''s not the people that don''t bring gifts, necessarily, that would/will bother me... it''s the fact that etiquette/customs suggest/demand a gift be given in this situation, yet so many are unaware of that.


In the instance of the wedding I attended this past weekend, even FI himself would have forgotten to send a gift had I not reminded him. None of our friends thought of it ahead of time, and spent the 2 hours of reception time feeling guilty and not spending as much time talking to the bride (our friend) because they felt embarrassed.


I can''t really do anything to help those people, I just really hope that people won''t end up feeling that way at my own wedding. I could care less if they choose not to get me a gift for financial reasons or whatever, but I fear that not getting a gift may rather be due to forgetfulness or ignorance of etiquette, which may lead to the same uncomfortable tension with my guests that I saw over the weekend.


So either I make it plain as day , and risk offending many who see it as pushy... OR I let word-of-mouth take care of it and risk some guests avoiding me at the reception due to their guilt over forgetting or not knowing to get a gift.



I''m sure it won''t be a big deal, but after watching a group of our friends FREAK over this, I got irked at etiquette

Musey, if your friends are adults, they will eventually figure it out (or marry people to take care of these things like your FI.) Even my entirely clueless father was able to figure these things out after my parents divorced - even if it means he writes a gift check at the reception, adds it to somebody else''s card and sticks it in the box.

Any person who avoids the bride and groom at a wedding because they think the bride and groom are counting the gifts and will notice theirs is missing - when you are ALLOWED to send a gift up to a year after the wedding, and when the gifts on the gift table haven''t been opened or looked at yet - this person is not an adult!

And after enduring one guilt-ridden wedding, if they are smart then they will remember next time they get an invitation. And if they don''t...

You can''t micromanage or "raise" your friends by sending them a "buy me gifts here card" without coming off as somewhat gift-hungry and somewhat clueless of etiquette.

Not to mention, it is a bit illogical to justify breaking rules of etiquette (by mentioning gifts in an invitation) for the good purpose of educating your friends on etiquette! If education is your goal, call them up before the next wedding of one of your friends and ask if they want to go in on a large gift. For your own wedding, the most you could/should do to spare them the awkwardness or inconvenience is to mention when you see them that you will be thrilled if they can make it and they don''t need to bring a gift.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/17/2007 4:50:37 PM
Author: cara

Musey, if your friends are adults, they will eventually figure it out (or marry people to take care of these things like your FI.) Even my entirely clueless father was able to figure these things out after my parents divorced - even if it means he writes a gift check at the reception, adds it to somebody else's card and sticks it in the box.

My wedding isn't "eventually," it's in one year.

Not to mention, it is a bit illogical to justify breaking rules of etiquette (by mentioning gifts in an invitation) for the good purpose of educating your friends on etiquette! If education is your goal, call them up before the next wedding of one of your friends and ask if they want to go in on a large gift. For your own wedding, the most you could/should do to spare them the awkwardness or inconvenience is to mention when you see them that you will be thrilled if they can make it and they don't need to bring a gift.

And I was never intending to turn my wedding into a tack-fest just so they'd get me gifts

This thread was meant to be a worrisome vent over avoiding awkwardness and hurt feelings in gift-giving. After your post I feel I may have come off as clueless myself, or that I require a refresher course on miss manners' wedding advice? I don't really think that I do, just a chance to vent my frustrations over crossed wires (which PS is usually quite good for).

 

[cara]

sorry to ruin your venting

(where is the sheepish emoticon when you need it!)

miss manners will go back in the box now...

back, miss manners, back!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We got mostly money or gifts we registered for. Very FEW people went on there own. I think most people like to have some direction. There were a few people that got us nothing. For those I did not send a thank you. We did not have a wedding website or indicate on our invites where we registered. People either asked or figured it out. I always check the usual suspects (PB, C&B, BB&B etc...) when we are going to a wedding.