Question about kids at the wedding

[Nov2109]

Here is our dilemma...sorry in advance if I am all over the place. there are so many factors at play my head is starting to spin!

My fiance and I decided that because we are paying for the wedding ourselves, to try to keep costs down and our own personal feelings about the topic that we would not have kids at the reception. They are welcome at the ceremony, but we dont feel that a reception, where there will be an open bar, and people drinking is an appropriate place for kids. I wouldnt bring my kids to a bar with a bunch of 20 somethings drinking and dancing, which after dinner is served will be what our wedding is like!

Between his siblings there are 4 kids under the age of 10. One is the flower girl, and one is the ring bearer. The older two kids decided on their own that they were going to be jr. bridesmaids, so rather than hurt their feelings I told his sister that we will find dresses that coordinate with the wedding and they can hand out bubbles. We are getting married in a very small chapel and can''t have a parade of people walking down the aisle, it will look ridiculous. The priest has also asked that we keep the bridal party to a minimum, we have 5 BMs and 5 GM who cant even stand on the alter with us, they will be seated in the first pew. FI''s sisters dont want their kids there, thankfully so we dont have to worry about them.

I have 3 young cousins who I am also very close with, all under the age of 10. The parents of the girls have expressed that the girls want to be in the wedding. Again, rather than hurt the young girls feelings, I also made them jr. bridesmaids who will have baskets with bubbles, like the nieces. They wont walk in the processional, but out of the church and take a few pictures with the bridal party. I dont want to hurt kids feelings, after all they are just kids and dont understand that the day is not about them!

I also have other family members with young kids, who I am not close with and who are not invited, period. I was not at their parents weddings as a child, so why would their kids go to mine? I dont even know half of their names...

I just recently finished the wedding invitations/inserts the other day, and sent the files over to my printer. They should be done today! Because there are so many children that may be brought to the wedding, although they are not invited, we stated "adult cocktail and dinner reception" on the reception card to make it clear.

My mom knew of the wording, and said it was fine. (we didnt want to seem rude, so double checked with our parents, both sides were fine with it) Today, she tells me I should rethink the whole kids at the wedding thing because I might hurt feelings. I dont know where this came from, but told her its too late, we dont have the budget for 20+ kids, we dont want 20+ kids at the wedding and the invites are already printed. She said I should rethink it for my cousins and the nieces and nephews then. I''m wondering if one of my aunts got upset that the kids cant go to the reception? I told her the only exception would be the kids from out of state, because they dont have anyone who can watch them.(they actually do but dont get me started on that one)

My issue is where do the "exceptions" stop? So many other people have kids, I would think its rude that a bride and groom allowed some kids, but not all kids?

Hope that made sense. Is anyone else dealing with this issue? Did you stick to your original plan or cave like I will probably do because I hate drama!

 

[meresal]

For the record, I am of the camp that weddings are family events and should involve children... not matter the alcohol and party. A wedding is not a bar, it is a celebration. I had an open bar and all of my nieces and nephews danced the night away with thier parents.

Anyway...

It will be EXTREMELY hard for parents to have their kids in the wedding, and then have to take them home, and then come back to the reception. Personally, I probably wouldn't come back for the reception.
I am almost 100% sure that people will not understand why you want their kids to be part of the wedding, but then want them to "do something with their kids" in time for the party. Maybe that is just me though?

You don't have to "cave", but I think that you could be a little more understanding considering we are talking about family that you are close with, and not some random people that want their kids to tag along. I'm not sure what to tell you, other than I would suggest coming up with one answer to tell your family members when they ask. You either can't afford the kids plates, or you don't want them there.

ETA: Personally, if you are hard set on this, then I would go with the "can't afford" option. Since you are close with these kids (they are family), I would guess that their parents won't take kindly to hearing that you don't want them there.

 

[Amzizzle]

I''m sorry but the invites have already been printed,so too bad. Yes you can handle the situation delicately as to try not to step on any toes,but by no means I don''t see adding 20+ children just to make others happy.

My wedding is having maybe 5 children,and it''s only because most of our guest list is traveling from out of state.

Overall just do what you want,it''s your money and your wedding.

 

[Morgie44]

I think it should be an all or nothing thing but it is too late for that now it sounds like. Unless all of your children "attendants" and their parents are ok with them not coming to the reception AND it works logistically for them to go home/wherever, I think that they should also be allowed at the reception. I would be PISSED if my (hypothetical) kid was involved in a wedding and had to rush them somewhere so that I could then attend the reception, then I got to the reception and saw other people''s kids!

Most people will understand why kids who are involved in the wedding are allowed at the reception much easier than the OOT guests'' kids.

Is there some kind of ancillary room where you could set up a babysitting area at the reception venue? I think that might be your best option at this point in time. That will solve any logistics of getting bridal party members somewhere to be watched, as well as the people who are bringing their kids from OOT. Maybe since your invites haven''t gone out yet, you could add a little card to your invites notifying guests with kids about this option.

 

[monkeyprincess]

We're struggling with this same issue right now - not because I don't want children at my wedding/reception, but just because of budget concerns and a limited capacity at the venue we've chosen. He and I each have a small number of nieces and nephews, and I then have several cousins, and many of them have children. Almost everyone at our wedding will be from out of town, so it really isn't an option to not invite the children. What I think we are going to do is invite children of relatives and the children of close friends that we really want at the wedding. But we are not going to invite the children of people we are not that close to or have children we have never met. These are more of the obligatory invite type people. I know some say this is not proper etiquette, but if I invited everybody's children, approximately 1/3 of our guests would be kids (and many of them little kids). I fully expect some of the people will not take the hint and RSVP for their children anyway, but we'll just have to deal with that. I agree though, it may be a problem to invite kids to the wedding, but exclude them from the reception. Could you talk to your caterer about putting together an inexpensive children's plate?

 

[swingirl]

When you decided to welcome children at the wedding ceremony but not at the reception did you figure their parents would take them home, secure a baby sitter and then drive back to the reception? Is the distance and time reasonable to travel between ceremony and reception? And is it clear to everyone with kids that this is what you expect?

You are able to set boundaries for your wedding. I don't think children should be allowed to decide for themselves what events they attend. You started the ball rolling by allowing them to become uninvited flower girls. But just because you now have included them doesn't mean you can open the floodgates to everyone under 10!

If you having an adult reception and kids aren't invited put your foot down and tell people your venue can't accommodate a lot of children (no kiddie menu or play room) and that's that. Some people will get their feelings hurt but if you don't want kids it's YOUR choice. Don't be bullied by the kids, their parents or your mom and aunts.

 

[Pushin40]

So let me unerstand this - you are actually forbidding the children that are in your wedding party from coming to the receptipn? Or just the additonal 20 kids from other family members?

IMO its totally inappropriate to not have the FG and JR BMs come to the reception, and what a complete inconveneince for their parents! I can udnderstand havign a limit on kids, but c''mon....

 

[Lauren8211]

I think its terrible to expect the children in the bridal party to not attend the reception, if that''s what you were explaining. If not, forget I said anything.

As far as other children, its your reception, you do what you want! I''m stubborn though, and would not mind explaining my preference to people.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 1/21/2010 11:47:56 AM
Author: meresal
For the record, I am of the camp that weddings are family events and should involve children... not matter the alcohol and party. A wedding is not a bar, it is a celebration.

Ditto this.

If you are set on not having children at the reception, can you hire a baby-sitter to watch the children at a nearby relative''s home or a hotel suite? You could order them pizza and let them have their own kids reception. I''m not sure if after everything this would actually be cheaper than just inviting them to the regular reception but you would have your kid-free party.

 

[purselover]

I''m really not sure what to tell you .......I was pretty against inviting kids to our wedding but DH''s family wouldn''t hear of it so I sucked it up and invited everyone''s children (including those I didn''t know like my boss''s). So I feel you on the whole not wanting to constantly cave to others.

However .... I am very much in the camp that you can''t invite some related children but not all, it will cause hurt feelings. If my sister had kids and they were invited to a reception and if I had kid''s that weren''t you bet I would be mad! I also think it is way too much to invite children to the ceremony and then request that they go home. By letting them became flower girls and jr bridesmaids you invited them into your special day, I know you were just trying to be nice but by denying them the reception they will be upset I''m sure. The reception is the fun part after all and I''ve never heard of part of the bridal party being sent home after the ceremony! If I had kids and you didn''t invite them to the whole wedding I''d have no problem with that, but inviting them to just the ceremony I have to say is inconsiderate. If I were you I would try to find a way to pay for anyone who wants to bring their children. Maybe your mom would help out since she suggested inviting them?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

if kids are in the wedding then they should come to the reception. If you didn''t want kids at the reception then you shouldn''t have had kids in the wedding. I would expect even if it was an adults only reception that children in the wedding were invited and would bring my kids.

If you really don''t want kids there I think you are going to have to be extremely explicit, and I''m sure a lot of feelings will be hurt. If that''s what you want you should be very clear now b/c if not this might turn into a really awkward and unpleasant situation on your wedding day...

 

[LilyKat]

Stick to your original plan. If you're paying for the wedding yourselves, you have every right to not want to pay for an extra 20 children (or heck, 20 PEOPLE of any age) you barely know and will rarely see again. (If your parents were paying, I would tell you to give in, but that's not the case).

As it is, you can say the only children invited are those in the bridal party (in some way or form). If more distant aunts and uncles have a problem with that - too bad. No-one's forcing them to come.

If anyone asks why (though incidentally, it really isn't any of their business), just stick to the "we're on a limited budget so unfortunately have to really limit our guest list" line.

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 1/21/2010 1:05:04 PM
Author: Bella_mezzo
if kids are in the wedding then they should come to the reception. If you didn''t want kids at the reception then you shouldn''t have had kids in the wedding. I would expect even if it was an adults only reception that children in the wedding were invited and would bring my kids.

If you really don''t want kids there I think you are going to have to be extremely explicit, and I''m sure a lot of feelings will be hurt. If that''s what you want you should be very clear now b/c if not this might turn into a really awkward and unpleasant situation on your wedding day...

And I''ll add, that you have every right to cut off which kids you invite within reason. If you and your FI decided that you''d only have the nieces and nephews of the two of you I think that would be your choice and okay. I don''t think that would mean you also have to invite the children of cousins and of bosses and friends and the list goes on. For God''s sake, it''s YOUR wedding. You''re paying for it. Period. Stand your ground and don''t cave if it''s not what you want to do.

We are having a ring bearer and flower girl (each, a child of a cousin on both sides of my family). The only exception we are making is allowing their younger siblings to attend which will equal 4 children at my wedding and reception. I have 26 cousins on my father''s side alone and most are married and have children. If all of those kids came they might outnumber the adults. It just can''t be. So we made an executive decision. I didn''t want a reception full of children and that''s anyone''s right to have that preference.

Do what you want. When it''s the next person''s turn, they can do what they want.

 

[Winks_Elf]

This is one of the biggest "hot topics" of wedding planning. I actually looked it up when I was engaged. According to traditional etiquette, if children are not allowed at the reception, there should be no children in the bridal party either. No exceptions should be made for certain children because inevitably someone''s feelings are going to get hurt.

Personally, I think it''s a matter of what the bride and groom want.

 

[pinki]

I''m having a no kids wedding, with the exception of the Ring Bearer and Flower Girl. Everyone has different opinions on it so you need to just roll with what you and your Fiance want. We''re paying for everything on our own so I just don''t think that other''s can dictate what we do with our money and our day. Don''t let anyone else talk you into doing something other than what you want because in the end your day won''t be what you want! Of course it differs from wedding to wedding, but it is based on what that couple wants. My BFF had a lovely garden party wedding that was specifically for kids, loaded with games and kid friendly everything. That''s what she wanted, just not my thing!

Besides, if you invitations are done then they''re done! If anyone calls you and talks to you about their situation you can always make exceptions, or hire a sitter who would be at the hotel to watch the kids while the parents attend, but again, just make sure you''re doing what you want, not what someone else tells you you should do. I get so annoyed with all the "rules" to weddings...

I remember one comment on theknot.com that always sticks with me. It was a post about making a playlist for your wedding day for all your prep. As I was reading it I thought "Who thinks of all of this???" and then this one girls comment was "I need to find a wedding website for non-OCD brides" I died laughing and sent her here.

Cj

 

[Nov2109]

Thanks everyone for your input. its good to hear different perspectives!

The flower girl and ring bearer and two of the jr. BMs won''t be at the reception. Their parents who are also BMs and GMs dont want to deal with them at the reception...they want to be able to eat, dance, etc without having to worry if their kids are behaving or having to leave early because one of them has their nightly "meltdown". The Flower girl will just have turned 3 and ring bearer 4. They will need to go to sleep half way through the reception, as their day will start early and with the time of our ceremony and all of the commotion going on, we doubt we will be able to get them to nap before the ceremony at 2pm. FSILs inlaws will be coming to the ceremony and then taking them home after pictures...FIs sisters came up with the plan and are really excited to have a grown up night.

There is an adjacent room next to the main room that would be able to be used for a babysitting room or a "kids reception" however, we just dont have the budget to pay for it. If I did I would do that in a heartbeat. Paying qualified sitters for 5 hours would cost a fortune not to mention extra servers etc.

My little cousins are really the only issue at this point, from what I can understand. I have expressed to my aunt who is traveling that I dont mind her kids being at the reception, i understand finding a sitter etc would be hard because their family in the area would be at the wedding. She is apparently still upset that I would even say I dont want any kids there? I already told her I dont mind her girls being there. They are the ones who pushed for the girls to have a role in the wedding, which is why I made them jr. bridesmaids because I didnt want to hurt the girls feelings. I love kids(even though i dont think its appropriate to have them at a reception). At any family event its usually me sitting on the floor playing with all of them. Then the problem is the other cousins. A few of you have mentioned that you would be annoyed that your sister/brother''s kid got to go but not yours regardless of the distance. Thats a problem too.

Im just thinking about the rest of the family/friends who have kids and will not be there, will they be annoyed/angry?

If it was only a few kids at the wedding, I wouldnt care, just where do I cut it off? There will be 12 kids under the age of 10. Where do I put them all? My mom wanted her siblings to sit at her head table! Cant fit 12 kids plus 12 adults at one table. and kids under 10 are too young to have their own table.

Now I''m just babbling..

I hope I figure this out...soon before I drive myself crazy.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I caved in. I don''t particularly want kids at my wedding and I was going to put "adult reception" or "___ attending of 2" but I decided to just let it go.

However, I will be addressing the invitations to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, not The Smith Family. I''ve already talked with FI and we decided if someone asks us if they can bring children, our reply will be, "Our ceremony and reception caters to adults. Since we do not have any children in the wedding and not many of our other guests have children, we were not planning to have a child''s menu. We will also be serving alcohol. However, your children are still welcome to come if you feel comfortable bringing them."

We decided to put ___ number attending on our RSVP so we would be given a head''s up if someone RSVPed for 5 (even though only 2 names were on the invite). We''re not doing assigned seating and the budget can flex enough to add a few extras, so I''m just not going to worry about it. I''d rather not make anybody mad by assertively asking them to leave their kids at home.

But... bottom line with your wedding... it''s your wedding. You call the shots.

 

[Haven]

If you choose to invite some children and not others, then some parents of the children who did not make the invite list *may* be annoyed. But you know what? That is their problem. People have to be adults and realize that you may not feel close enough to their children to invite them to your wedding, and *you* are hosting the event, so they don''t get a say about the invite list.

FWIW, I''m with Mere on the kid issue--in our circle and families, weddings are a family event and family children are almost always invited. That being said, we did not invite *everyone''s* children to our wedding. We invited all children to whom we are related, and that included the ring bearer and the flower girls, of course. I do think it would be rude to disallow children who are part of the BP to attend your reception. It certainly wouldn''t be the gracious thing to do. Otherwise, I say it''s your call.

As for believing it to be inappropriate to have children at an event with an open bar, parents get to make that call. I grew up attending a lot of catered parties with open bars in both private homes and hotels, and I was never the only child there.

As for etiquette, it typically dictates that children who are in the BP should absolutely be welcome at the reception. However, as far as inviting other children, that is up to the host, so it''s your call.

Good luck. This is a sticky situation, I understand. Just remember that you can''t please everybody, so in the very least make sure to please yourselves, as this is your event, and you are the hosts.

 

[Morgie44]

If I am understanding correctly, The OOT kids/cousins that are being allowed to come to the reception or also jr. bridesmaids? If so, I think that while there might be some friction, it is understandable and there is a clear line as to why they were included but not others. DO the OOT cousins have any in-town cousins that are not invited to the wedding? Maybe the parents could share a babysitter, or whoever is watching those in-town kids?

As for your aunt being annoyed that no kids are invited, I would just act as if you had no idea about that, because as some pp''s said, for whatever reason this is a very hot topic for some people and you can''t change how others feel about it, so don''t let it bother you! It is your wedding, and you have a right to have the type of party you want to have, as long as it isn''t alientating part of your family!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Are you absolutely against having all the kids there? How much of it has to do with the cost and how much has to do with your personal preference?

If it really does have to do with cost, you might just try seeing if your caterer will provide kids' meals at a low cost--or even better, NO cost! We served more "adult" type food at our wedding and when I asked our caterer for something more kid-friendly for the kiddies, he threw those meals in for free.

It sounds like some of the kids' parents don't want to bring their children (you mentioned that the parents of the flower girl and ring bearer didn't want to have their kids attend), so maybe if you did invite them only a few would show up anyway? As Haven said, the parents will be responsible for the children, so you certainly shouldn't be expected to hire any type of sitting service.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

From what I understand, people get pretty upset about not being able to bring their children. I know there is certain "etiquette" but as more than one person put it to me, if you are paying, you should not have to answer to your decisions. Actually, if their child''s name is not on the invitation, they are not supposed to object or assume they are invited.

My future niece and nephew are going to be the flower girl and ring barer. They will be invited to the reception, but my future SIL is already thinking babysitter. Another bridesmaid will have a 14 mo old at the time of my wedding, and is in a tough financial situation. I told her it was OK to bring her child because I really wanted her there, and I knew I was going to make things tough if I didn''t allow it. However, I have told her that the ceremony doesn''t start until 6 and that the reception will go late into the night. If my future SIL arranges a babysitter, I am going to see if they can accommodate the other kid.

Other than that I have told my FI no other kids and I am ready to deal with the objections.

I think you should stick to your original plan on this one.

 

[Kaleigh]

I hear where you are coming from. But wondering about the kids who were in the wedding. You said their parents just want to have fun and be care free. I get that too. How about having a room for the kids, with movies and some babysitters?? Just a thought... These kids are going to need looking after no matter what. It would be nice if they could be near their parents??

My friend did this, and worked out great. DD was the flower girl and DS was the ring bearer.. We were far from home, so this was a nice way to have all the kids looked after, and I didn''t have to worry about hiring a sitter...

 

[yssie]

Date: 1/21/2010 7:14:47 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I hear where you are coming from. But wondering about the kids who were in the wedding. You said their parents just want to have fun and be care free. I get that too. How about having a room for the kids, with movies and some babysitters?? Just a thought... These kids are going to need looking after no matter what. It would be nice if they could be near their parents??

My friend did this, and worked out great. DD was the flower girl and DS was the ring bearer.. We were far from home, so this was a nice way to have all the kids looked after, and I didn''t have to worry about hiring a sitter...

This is what we''re going to do. There are going to be 20-ish kids at ours, we don''t want them getting underfoot during the formal reception, they don''t want to be stuck dressed up and sitting quietly at the table through some affair, and unless they''re just a room away the parents will either grumble or not come.


Works for everyone

 

[Nov2109]

I talked with my mom last night and told her the only exceptions that will be made are the children in the bridal party. She seemed a little disappointed, but I explained that we set our budget and we dont have any extra money to put towards the wedding(we are trying to save for a house!) The kids meals are "discounted" and I say discounted because $75 dollar meals for a 7-10 year olds is crazy.(Under 21 and over 12 get an 8 dollar discount i guess thats what they estimate open bar as?) That would put us at about 1500! Something we did not account for nor do we have any extra money for at this point. She seems ok with it but still thinks there may be some hurt feelings.

We had talked about this a million times, and she was fine with no kids, now the day before I pick up my invitations she has second thoughts? Ah the craziness that weddings bring on! On a positive note, I picked up the invitaion pieces...now, if I just felt like assembling them all! I have time

I figured the best way was to meet somewhere in the middle, kids in the bridal party can come, but no others. We just dont have the extra $. We''re paying for 95% of this wedding ourselves and just honestly dont have the cash, besides our take on kids at a reception...

Thanks again for everyones ideas and input. It really helps hearing other people''s perspectives...it can often put you in your place

 

[meresal]

Nov, I think letting the kids, that are in the wedding, come to the reception is the best idea. As far as the other family kids that your mom is worried about... if this is what you have been planning on since the beginning and your mom knew, then your mom should have been helping to spread the word all along. I'm sorry that it has come out this late in the planning stage.

Everything will be fine though!!

ETA: However, since you are paying for and planning your own wedding, then it really is your decision. I think as long as you are having your nieces and nephews, then at $75/kid, it is perfectly fine to say that it is out of your budget.

 

[monkeyprincess]

It is your wedding, you''re paying, and I think you have made the best decision for your situation. Now you just need to ignore anyone who second-guesses it. My mom is funny that way too. She seems to doubt decisions after they have already been made - like after we already put half down on my sisters'' bridesmaids dresses, she looked at another bridesmaid dress online and wondered aloud, "Would this one have worked better with your dress?" Thanks a lot mom. Or after I already decided to go with one venue with a limited capacity of 130 people, she starts thinking of all of these friends of hers that really "should" be invited. Not going to happen, especially, since we are footing a lot of the bill ourselves and are really trying to keep the numbers as low as possible. I love her, but her second-guessing things drives me crazy!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

We only had kids that were in the wedding party (and their siblings) invited to the wedding and reception. So basically just my husband''s immediate nieces and nephews. It was a very clear and clean line so no confusion and no hurt feelings that I knew of.

The only one glitch was one of his aunt''s couldn''t make it, so his uncle brought his 16 yo daughter as his date without telling us. But I was ok with it, she''s a really mature 16 yo and had really really wanted to come to our wedding. Haha, I wouldn''t be surprised if the aunt was free and gave her "seat" to her daughter anyways since she was so excited about our wedding.

 

[iheartscience]

Good lord to the $75/kid price! I know you have it figured out already (and I think your solution makes total sense) but I had to comment on that-it''s ridiculous! My caterer didn''t charge for the kids at all (we had 9 at the reception) and they even made pizzas from scratch for them.

 

[Nov2109]

thing2of2...you have no idea. We didnt care about negotiating the kids meal price because we werent having any kids! These better be some gourmet chicken fingers and pizza for $75 a kid!

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 1/21/2010 12:44:41 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 1/21/2010 11:47:56 AM
Author: meresal
For the record, I am of the camp that weddings are family events and should involve children... not matter the alcohol and party. A wedding is not a bar, it is a celebration.

Ditto this.

If you are set on not having children at the reception, can you hire a baby-sitter to watch the children at a nearby relative's home or a hotel suite? You could order them pizza and let them have their own kids reception. I'm not sure if after everything this would actually be cheaper than just inviting them to the regular reception but you would have your kid-free party.

Maybe your parents would be willing to pay for the kids' room if they are so set on having their relatives' kids there? I know you said it's expensive, but it may be something that they are willing to do if they are set on it ...