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Oh dear...

merbear1215

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 14, 2010
Messages
70
Hi Ladies,

I have posted a bit about this in Ladies in Waiting (mainly because I didn't know BWW existed, though it probably belongs here).

My fiance's mom.....you can check Ladies in Waiting for details of all her madness but suffice it to say, I really do believe she has a mental illness. Fiance trys to spend as little time with her as possible, never takes her calls, etc. In addition, she is VERY religious (Pentacostal, and I am Jewish).

Early on in the process of our wedding planning, we agreed to have a Jewish wedding ceremony but I told F that I was willing to do an interfaith ceremony, but ONLY ONLY if he found the other officiate. I would do it, but he had to make the effort. He said it wasn't that important to him. So Jewish it is.

I get an email from her a few weeks ago that said "we are planning a Christian ceremony to go along with your Jewish one." I was completely thrown by this, naturally. Talked to SO, he knew nothing about it. Not sure how you arrange a ceremony for a bride and groom that know nothing about it, but ok. In addition, they are not contributing ONE cent to our wedding and have NEVER been supportive. I asked SO to talk to his Mom about it. He told her she could not plan something without telling us, etc. Thought we were in the clear.

Last week, get another email about the Christian ceremony she is planning. The step-dad has become an ordained minister and he would be doing our ceremony. WHAT?? First, we aren't getting married twice, if anything he can co-officiate, but NO. We talked about this....if SO wanted it, HE would have organized it. SO calls her again, says "no, we are not doing that" I can here her insisting that I am the one making this decision. So then she wants to talk to me. I reiterate to her that ALL ALONG I have said, for SO, I would do it, becuase he is my husband and I would do it if it mattered to him. BUT THAT IS IT. Then she said how his family and friends who are coming are Christian (ok??) and that it would only take 10 minutes (I explained that it was not about the length of time, but the concept of having two different ceremonies, etc).

We got off the phone after going around in circles for a bit. Then today, I get an email from her. No greetings or salutations, simply a link to the NY times article titled "Interfaith Marriages Stir Conflicting Feelings."

AAAHHH, Ladies, I am losing my patience!! Not only do we have different faiths, but we are also different races. We are going to face some challenges, I get that. Just too bad that someone closest to us is making it most difficult. I wrote her back and asked what I am supposed to take from the article....she says " Just reminds me how powerful "love" is!!"

I feel she is a little manipulative and that was NOT at all her intent when sending the article.
HOW DO I HANDLE THIS!!
 

trillionaire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2008
Messages
3,881
Stand your ground, and present a unified front. Stop answering questions, calls, emails, etc from her, and direct her back to her son, who should be giving the same response as you. Thank her for her time and energy, and assure her that you guys have everything under control. You can't win every battle with family, but there is a thin line between making efforts to appease folks, and letting people dictate to you what you have to do. Get on the same page, and let her know, with finality, what you are planning to do. You can offer her other avenues for help if you have things that you are willing to accept her assistance on.

Hugs, and best of luck. Weddings bring out some strange emotions in families. ::)
 
Joined
Jan 29, 2010
Messages
401
Personally, I would be PO'd that she put your "love" in quotations marks the way she did. That's a backhanded implication that I wouldn't care for much at all.

It's very apparent she is trying to undermine you and, mental illness or not, it is unacceptable behavior. The only instance under which I have known parents to dictate where and/or how the ceremony would be held was when it was stipulated that the groom's family would pay $xx,xxx for the wedding if it was Catholic (insert your religion of choice here). If it was not held in a Catholic church, they would pay nothing.

So, the couple I knew got married in a Catholic ceremony so that they could take advantage of the upwards of $10,000 his family would contribute. Otherwise their event would have been much smaller because the bride's family had little money to contribute.

As for how to put an end to it, I'm sorry I have no advice. I only have sympathy for your situation. We, too, are a biracial couple but we are having a religion-free ceremony to avoid the pitfalls of trying to combine the desires of our families who are Catholic, Lutheran, and Assembly of God. It's too much to think about, so no religion for us.
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,984
Manipulative is manipulative. Period.
She may have a mental illness but it is still not acceptable behavior.

You and your FI need to stand your ground and tell her to back off. I'm sure she'll stop planning once she is assured that NEITHER of you will show up to HER ceremony. (and if she sends invitations (which I doubt she'd do), I'm sure your friends/family will call to find out what is going on with having 2 invitations and SHE'll be the one to look foolish)
 

GettingDesperate905

Rough_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jan 10, 2010
Messages
49
ya "manipulative" is the best way to describe that.
As a pentacostal myself, I've gotta say I detest her attitude here. yes, were i in her shoes I would like to have my pastor officiate as well, find a suitable compromise. But I think that the main basis of every religion is peace, love, respect, and treating others fairly. None of which she is demonstrating with you.
Keep your head high, this is your day. Offer a compromise, and if she cant agree on it, then jewish ceremony it is!
Good luck girl!
 

Asscherhalo_lover

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Aug 16, 2007
Messages
5,338
Stand your ground for sure, if you give in to this you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of MIL nightmares. Does your ceremony sight have a day of coordinator? If they do just let them know that someone might try to do something, they won't let anyone try to set up a second ceremony. I've dealt with a lot of MIL crazies so I know how you feel...
 

mrscushion

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 15, 2008
Messages
3,309
Stand your ground as a team, just like you have been doing! :appl: I'm sorry she's so out of touch with reality and propriety. I second Asscherhalolover's suggestion to alert the venue for any crazy stuff going down day of.
 

yssie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 14, 2009
Messages
25,534
mscushion said:
Stand your ground as a team, just like you have been doing! :appl: I'm sorry she's so out of touch with reality and propriety. I second Asscherhalolover's suggestion to alert the venue for any crazy stuff going down day of.

Thritto alerting the venue.. good luck!!
 

Ella

Brilliant_Rock
Staff member
Premium
Joined
Jan 18, 2010
Messages
1,509
Please remember that we do not allow discussion of religion on PS in order to avoid controversy.

I will leave this thread if, and only if, further discussion is centered around the situation rather than the involvement of religion.
 

merbear1215

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 14, 2010
Messages
70
An Update on the situation:

on Thursday, she emails me that she has talked to FI about it again and he has OK'd small ___________ (fill in the faith here, trying to keep the actual religious part out of it) ceremony as long as he knows what is going on first. And asks if that is ok with me.

I wrote her back and said "no, it is not OK with me and I am surprised that FI has OK'd since we have talked about it AT LENGTH already. I need to discuss this with him" I subsequently talked to Fi and he said "no, I never OK'd anything, I told her that I needed to know what she was planning before I would OK anything."

Meanwhile she writes me back and says "Fi's love for you is enough to allow him to have a _________ ceremony, is your love for him not strong enough to do the same for his faith?" I wrote her back and said "As I said I need to discuss this with FI, and I would do it for HIM but he has expressed to me that he does not care or want it."

That night FI and I discuss and basically the ONLY reason he would even do it is for his mom. He doesn't care at all, and it is ONLY for her. So I came up with this compromise: either she can choose a passage or two that she wants read and we have to OK, OR we can have a coofficiated ceremony but WE choose the person and they pay for it. Fi felt better much better, less stressed about the whole thing. She decides she wants a cofficated ceremony (they will pay for any associated fees), though she had NO idea what that was, she could not understand that concept that it would be a single ceremony.

Here is the problem I am really struggling with: even though it was my solution, I feel miserable about it. I feel like it is neither what I want or Fiance cares for. We are now 2.5 months out from the wedding and it is just ONE more thing for me to do (since I would prefer I find the person as I don't think she could find somebody who I am comfortable with). In addition, it is the ONE thing they are paying for in this whole process (and in reality the whole time we have been together, not a single present or card have I received from them in almost 4 years together) so feels very self serving. But mostly, THE ONLY REASON WE ARE DOING THIS IS FOR HER. He does not care. I feel like the issue she really needs to tackle is that her son is not very attached to his faith. That is the root of it, but she is forcing it on us.

Ahh, I just don't know what to do. Last night, i was so upset since I really didn't feel good about this. Fi was like "I am gonna call her back, it is NOT worth you being upset, this is our wedding, not hers, etc." But, can we go back on it now that I have OK'd it? Or am I stuck even though it is my wedding?? Please help!
 

Pushin40

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 11, 2008
Messages
617
Oh Merbear, I'm so sorry,
What an awful position to be in.

Know what? I really DO think it's OK for you go go back to the original plan. You and FI really gave it a shot, to try and please her and come uo with your own compromiose, but really, it really was just her manipulation working, Not good. It was nice of you try, for sure.

Your FI is right - it's NOT worth getting so upset over to just pleawse her (fof all people). It really is about you and FI, and what you two want for your ceremony.

I think if you don't back out of this, it will continue to bother you and cause you a lot of stress.

Have FI giver her a call, and if/whn she emaisl you again try not go engage her. Tell her you are sorry, your decision is final, and the topic is closed Period.

Hang in there!
 
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