Need advice on how to back out of being MOH

[galeteia]

I broached the subject with the bride in question today after agonizing over it for a few months, and it didn''t go well.

Back when I lived in Canada, she was my best friend. We have barely spoken in the 1.5 years since I moved here; she lives in Canada and I''m down here in Texas. It was wonderful to see her during my vacation in Toronto this summer but our visit was very brief. While I''m sad that we''ve drifted apart, that''s what happens when you move to another country, I know.

She asked me to be her MOH shortly before I left and I tried to decline at the time because I couldn''t do all the MOH-ish things with her from 1000+ miles away, not to mention the insane expense of flying from Texas to Ontario. She explained that she needed someone, anyone, to have reserved that role so that her drama-riddled family couldn''t force her to have her much-hated SIL as her MOH. As her fiance put it, a "two dollar hooker off the street would be a better MOH than [SIL]" and knowing the SIL, I can''t disagree with that. Also, she and her fiance, who I''ll call Tom, agreed to give the plane tickets for me and my SO as my ''bridal party gift'' so we could afford to go.

SO has refused to go, as he has the excuse of teaching during that time. Why? Because we both cannot stand Tom. I''d been planning on politely declining the wedding invitation as a guest because I cannot in good conscience watch her marry this donkeybehind. Being asked to be MOH nipped that plan in the bud.

Also, I feel protective of my friend and was willing to run blocker on her insane family on the day of; they''ll all be circling like a shoal of piranhas, trying their best to upset her on her wedding day. So I was resigned to go to at least give her an ally on the day she''s shackling herself to total jerk.

However, in the interim, she''s become close to one of her extended family members and as a result, she now has someone on the inside who has been lighting up the gossip tree as to what is really going on within her nuclear family. SIL is now on everyone''s blacklist, and I now have a co-MOH. This was a huge relief on several levels, from the guilt of not being there for all the MOH duties to someone being able to stand up for her to her family. Basically, it gets me off the hook.

Now, my SO''s brother is getting married this summer, so by the time my friend''s wedding comes up in September, I won''t have any time left to take off. My inlaws will never speak to me again if I miss the FBIL''s wedding, so I could at best swing three days off- one to fly up, wedding day, then one to fly back.

This is going to cost a STUPID amount of money for the tickets, plus the $$ they''ll be shelling out for a full Italian wedding spread for my seafood-and-wheat-allergic self, then there''s the equivalent-value cash gift I''ll be putting into the busta for a meal I didn''t need, plus the MOH gown, plus the wedding gift.

We both make around $10/hr, with partners in school. (Except mine, not being a lazy primadonna, actually has a teaching position that bring in a little money) The amount this is going to cost both her and I is completely ludicrous. And for one day of travel-worn misery? She doesn''t need me as a MOH, she already has one that''s been in the thick of it for the entire wedding planning.

However, when I brought up the fact that my time off was limited and considering the costs involved, maybe it didn''t make sense, she understandably insisted that she still wanted me to be there and then shut me down.

The thought it costing over 1k between the two of us for me to be there for one day is making me physically ill.

Any ideas?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I would just call her and say you care about her a lot, but are not going to be able to come b/c you don''t have enough vacation time. You''d love to help in other ways but you''re not going to be able to be there. You can mention that this was a difficult decision and you are so so happy for her and happy that she has a MOH who can help run family interference for her at the wedding and prevent the SIL from being in the wedding party.

I''d be very firm, that''s a huge amount of money for each of you if you don''t really want to be there.

 

[neatfreak]

Can't you just tell her you flat out can't afford it?

Unless that's not the issue here. If you think she's making a mistake marrying the guy well then that is a whole other bucket of worms...and only you can decide if you want to tell her that.

But if it's really about the time off and not being able to afford the time and expense just TELL HER. Honestly and openly.

I know she offered the plane tickets but explain to her the cost for you is just prohibitive right now between the dress, the accommodations, and the lost time at work. Period.

You have to understand that she might be really mad at you since you already accepted. I know you felt badly but you shouldn't have accepted if you couldn't swing it financially.

But at this point the best thing is to be honest with her. If it's the finances though and she offers to pay for everything you are going to need to go or else give up the friendship. So be prepared if the reason is really the fiance and not the finances. You can't be concerned with HER finances-just your own here. So you can't tell her that HER cost for things is too expensive. She has decided that the expense is worth you being there.

ETA: Random question but why do you need to put $ into the busta and also give a wedding gift? I thought the $ WAS the wedding gift? As an aside, I am SURE she would understand that you can't afford to give $. You could make them something with a heartfelt card and I am sure she would appreciate that VERY much. I know that if I were in her situation I would much rather have you there than a gift or $. The person is much more important.

 

[Hest88]

"Honey, this is very hard for me. I am so honored you asked me to be your MOH and nothing would please me more than to stand up with you for your wedding. However, I really can''t afford it now. Finances are really tough for me and I''m afraid I really need to back out. I''m so sorry and I hope you can understand."

 

[galeteia]

Date: 1/3/2010 8:02:24 PM
Author: neatfreak
Can''t you just tell her you flat out can''t afford it?

Am I being a big jerk by saying that $300 is hard for me when she''s spending so much more?

Unless that''s not the issue here. If you think she''s making a mistake marrying the guy well then that is a whole other bucket of worms...and only you can decide if you want to tell her that.

But if it''s really about the time off and not being able to afford the time and expense just TELL HER. Honestly and openly.

I already told her my feelings about Tom, but she humoured me while I spoke my piece is going ahead with it anyway.

I know she offered the plane tickets but explain to her the cost for you is just prohibitive right now between the dress, the accommodations, and the lost time at work. Period.

You have to understand that she might be really mad at you since you already accepted. I know you felt badly but you shouldn''t have accepted if you couldn''t swing it financially.

I tried not to! I am still a little irked that she guilt tripped me into being her MOH when I tried to refuse, and countered my finances argument with saying they''d already decided to buy our tickets. Her whole request was based off of trying to avoid her SIL, but now that she has the other girl to be her MOH, she doesn''t need me anymore.

But at this point the best thing is to be honest with her. If it''s the finances though and she offers to pay for everything you are going to need to go or else give up the friendship. So be prepared if the reason is really the fiance and not the finances. You can''t be concerned with HER finances-just your own here. So you can''t tell her that HER cost for things is too expensive. She has decided that the expense is worth you being there.

ETA: Random question but why do you need to put $ into the busta and also give a wedding gift? I thought the $ WAS the wedding gift? As an aside, I am SURE she would understand that you can''t afford to give $. You could make them something with a heartfelt card and I am sure she would appreciate that VERY much. I know that if I were in her situation I would much rather have you there than a gift or $. The person is much more important.

My understanding of the busta as she explained it to me is that you''re expected to cover the cost of your plate (whatever it cost for your food/booze, usually around $100-150) in the busta, and then the wedding gift is the actual wedding gift.

 

[neatfreak]

Well your friend is delusional IMO if she expects people to "cover their plates" AND give a wedding gift. At every wedding I've ever been to it's either $ in the envelope or gift, not both.

And regardless, if she knows you are struggling financially what kind of friend is she if she expects you to give her $100-150 and a wedding gift on top of spending a bunch of $ to come to her wedding? You ARE the gift!

And no you are not being a brat if $300 is truly hard for you! You just have to tell her. I know it's hard and it sounds like she's a bit pushy but you need to just say no.

 

[FrekeChild]

Hi Gala!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss you girly!

Ditto Neatfreak. Every word. I also did the backing out of the bridal party stuff. I told her I would do it if she wanted me to but with my mom''s health and my money situation, it did not look good, and she decided that that gamble was too much, and asked someone else to fill my spot. I wrote her a nice card and let it be. The friendship has since cooled off, but what can you do? There were a couple threads about this last fall if you want to read those...

Good luck.

 

[sparklyheart]

I''m not a BIW but I had to comment.. I would not feel *too* bad about backing out. On one hand she has planned on you being there.. On the other hand she originally told you she just needed SOMEONE.. it''s not like she came to you and said she wanted YOU because YOU were her best friend who meant the world to her and who she wanted to stand next to her on her biggest day ever. She said she needed someone so her SIL wouldn''t be put in that place. That''s not your problem. Also, it sounds like it is going to cost you way more than you can afford and that is pretty obvious to everyone on here so why isn''t it so obvious to her? I don''t think it''s bad that you won''t spend $300 when she is spending so much.. It''s HER wedding..she will spend a lot..and bridesmaids/MOHs pay a lot to be part of the day but you don''t have to try to compete with what she''s spending. If you can''t afford it, you can''t afford it. I wouldn''t go into debt or be flat out broke and out of vacation for a girl who asked me to be in her wedding because she just needed SOMEONE. I know that may sound harsh but it doesn''t sound like she is being too understanding of your situation. I have friends who got married in Canada this past summer and 3 of their friends from Texas backed out the week of.. At least be nice and give her some warning... Maybe there''s something about Texans going to weddings up there

Good luck!!

 

[NY Princess]

I was in a similar situation except that I DID go forward with the plans and let me tell you, I totally regretted it. I kept thinking that I was just a filler for her because she couldn''t get anyone else. It was awful! I resented every cent I spent and couldn''t wait to be over and done with the affair. I ended up just cutting her loose after a while. I haven''t talked to her in 3 years and just realized it now that I read your post.

If you can handle backing out, do so.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''d tell her immediately that you are not in the position to attend her wedding due to finances and the inability to take time off from work and let the chips falll where they may. Yes, she''ll probably be upset, which is reasonable, but if you guys are truly friends she''ll understand and your friendship will survive.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/3/2010 11:06:36 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''d tell her immediately that you are not in the position to attend her wedding due to finances and the inability to take time off from work and let the chips falll where they may. Yes, she''ll probably be upset, which is reasonable, but if you guys are truly friends she''ll understand and your friendship will survive.

I agree. However if your friendship does NOT survive, I wouldn''t be too surprised.

You don''t want to go. It is clear that you don''t want to go. You are coming up with a million excuses. You accepted this role, when you could have declined, before you knew about FBIL''s wedding. You are putting FBIL''s wedding as a higher priority. I UNDERSTAND, your friend may not. If you do things like facebook - she''ll know and probably be upset. So don''t ramble with a million excuses... just say.

I cannot afford to go, if you cannot afford to go. I cannot get the time off of work, if you cannot get the time off of work. When you start listing a million excuses - it sounds just like that... excuses.

 

[galeteia]

Thanks for the input, ladies. I''m going to write her an email and explain that I''m not going to go.

Sparklyheart really nailed it when she said: "she just needed SOMEONE.. it''s not like she came to you and said she wanted YOU because YOU were her best friend who meant the world to her and who she wanted to stand next to her on her biggest day ever. She said she needed someone so her SIL wouldn''t be put in that place."

If this was not the case, and she hadn''t found someone to be co-MOH, I would absolutely go because she needed me. But, she has someone to be her ally on that day, I''m no longer needed.

I also did some re-calculations when a coworker pointed out there''s makeup and hair, too- by the time I tallied up tickets, gas, plate, bar, busta, dress, gift, hair, and makeup, we''re looking at around $1,450 for me alone. That was that for me. Not going to happen.

We had planned for her and another friend of mine to be my bridesmaids at my own wedding, and the fact is, none of us really talk anymore. I''ve accepted the fact that my own wedding will end up however and whenever it does, and will likely not resemble anything I planned. These things happen.

Thanks, NY Princess, for sharing your ongoing regret- that''s what I would worry about too. That when I''m there, I''ll just be preoccupied with how much it cost and not with enjoying myself. Then that really would be a waste.

I miss you too, Freke!