Mad at my cheap future in laws

[soontowed]

My FIs parents had said they would give us 10K. Yesterday they gave us a check for 4K and said "here''s our part for the wedding". WHere are the other 6K??? 65% of the invites are their relatives. I can''t believe they did that. They did not even offer an explanation as to why they cut their contribution to less than half. What''s worse is this is 5 weeks away from the wedding so we can''t really go and cut costs anywhere. We were counting on the 10K. I know it is not a financial burden for them. They just booked a 10K cruise for this summer. I should not be surprised I guess. They are so stingy about money with their kids. My parents are the opposite so it''s even harder for me to deal with.

I hope FI doesn''t get that from his parents and acts that way with our kids. I will not stand for that.

 

[Tuckins1]

The only thing I can think of to say is actually someone''s quote...

You should keep your words soft and sweet, because you may have to eat them some day.

Sorry that you are so frustrated this close to the wedding, I do understand how stressful things can get.

 

[lilylover]

Four thousand dollars is still a lot of money. I understand that you are frustrated that they didn''t keep their word, but I can''t help but feel like you should be thankful that they at least gave you four thousand dollars.

Had they said many times over that they''d give you 10k? Or was it something like, "We will be able to help out with the wedding, probably somewhere around 10k."?

If I were you I would have a visit with them along with your FI and calmly explain to them that you are very thankful that they gave you 4k, but that you thought they had agreed to give you 10k and you had budgeted the wedding accordingly.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hmm. I can understand the frustration, but four grand is still a substantial amount of money so am not sure about the ''cheap'' dig. Hopefully you can either cut back on some things or work it out.

 

[purrfectpear]

Whining about other people''s money is soooo unbecoming.

 

[laughwithme]

I know everyone says things when really angry, before cooling down...but this post kinda makes me mad

I think its a little too harsh. I wouldn''t consider them "cheap" or "stingy" after giving you 4k. I think that is pretty generous. I would consider it frustrating that they didn''t keep their word, and depending on how solid their initial commitment was, I would have asked (kindly) why the check was less than that commitment.

Did they specify 10k to be given to you on a certain date? Or was it something like, "we can probably handle about 10k before the wedding"? Depending on how vague they may have been, I would have followed up throughout the months leading to the wedding in order to confirm their contribution.

I am sorry about this really unpleasant surprise several weeks before your wedding. I guess at this point its too late to cut costs since you''re probably already in a lot of contracts. If the opportunity presents itself, maybe you could still ask why the check wasn''t for the full amount, and let them know that you had depended on that amount and signed contracts accordingly, which you now can''t get out of.

I don''t think the amount of money that your FIL''s spent on a cruise should really matter in this situation - everyone is entitled to spend their cash how they want, and I hope that doesn''t add to your resentment - I think its important to still thank them and be grateful, even if its twenty bucks.

 

[fieryred33143]

Wow

I see this here so many times. People think that just because someone is "well off" or because money is no issue you are entitled to their money.

I understand you were counting on that money but $4k is a lot of money. Do what you can with it.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Cut her 65% of the guest list down to 40%?

Seriously though.. i know it sucks when people don''t keep their word esp when it comes to money, but 4k is better than none at all!!

 

[DearBuddha]

That''s $4,000 more than my mother gave me. I managed just fine.

I''m sorry you''re frustrated, but one should never count chickens before they hatch...

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 11/27/2009 8:07:33 PM
Author: DearBuddha
That's $4,000 more than my mother gave me. I managed just fine.


I'm sorry you're frustrated, but one should never count chickens before they hatch...

Ditto. OP, it does stink, but I'm the type of person that wouldn't have spent it until I cashed the check. Maybe you can see if it isn't too late to cut their guest list to help minimize the damage.

 

[trillionaire]

Erm, why doesn't FI talk to his parents?

Let them know that you appreciate their generousity and understand that situations change, but that they had previously indicated that their commitment would be X and that you had planned accordingly. Let them know that it was your mistake to assume a certain level of contribution, but the additional help would mean an awful lot to you both, being that the wedding is very soon and there is not a lot of time to accomodate for the difference.

They are his parents, he should be able to talk to them about it. It makes no sense to fume, there may be a misunderstanding. Better to talk it out. If the chips lie at $4K, then you've lost nothing. Maybe they wanted to give you $6K as a wedding gift, who knows!

 

[dani2142]

Date: 11/27/2009 8:07:33 PM
Author: DearBuddha
That''s $4,000 more than my mother gave me. I managed just fine.


I''m sorry you''re frustrated, but one should never count chickens before they hatch...

Sorry to hear that you aren''t getting what was expected, but for some reason I don''t feel bad for you because like DearBuddha I didn''t get any money from my parents or my fiance''s parents so I look at your post in a different light. I would never call my in-laws cheap for giving me 4k number one. I would be extremely grateful even though they said they would give us 10k. The difference between you and I is that I would have never planned a wedding budget wise on what someone told me they were going to give me. If I can''t afford to pay x amount for my wedding, I''m not spending it. Even if someone says they are giving me x amount. I would consider x amount as bonus type thing and not something to plan my entire wedding upon.

That being said try to make the best of things. At least you didn''t go overboard and double or triple what your in-laws were going to give you because you were relying on their contribution... know what I mean?

 

[CNOS128]

Oh dear - you are in a difficult situation if you''ve already spent the money. I suppose this is a good lesson for you not to count on money that you don''t yet have (even if it''s "promised" from relatives). I''m sure you''ll manage to cut back somewhere if need be! Talk to your vendors; they can generally find ways to cut corners.

 

[Luckyeshe]

I agree with Trill, she''s a very wise woman. I think you and your FI may need to go over there and just talk to you FILs. It stinks that you depended on 10K, but at least they still gave you 4K. Maybe you can cut their guest list to 40% as another PSer had suggested. I''m sorry that you''re frustrated about this. I would be too if I was in your shoes.

 

[Haven]

I feel for you, soontowed.

When someone commits to contributing a certain amount for a wedding, and you factor that in when making your plans, it can be extremely frustrating when they change their minds after you''ve already budgeted (or contracted) that money.

I don''t agree with you that these people are stingy, as they gave you a generous amount of money. But I do agree that it was unkind of them to promise one amount and then give less after the fact.

Trill''s advice sounds spot-on to me, I would follow that.

 

[swingirl]

Shouldn''t your FI ask them what happened to their offer? Maybe they need to trim their guest list.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 11/27/2009 4:18:42 PM
Author: Tuckins1
The only thing I can think of to say is actually someone''s quote...


You should keep your words soft and sweet, because you may have to eat them some day.


Sorry that you are so frustrated this close to the wedding, I do understand how stressful things can get.

I''ll take credit for that one...haha...

But seriously...people''s financial standings change. Just because they booked a vacation doesn''t mean they can afford your wedding. People are entitled to spend their money however they see fit. I personally bump into this exact issue with my inlaw''s...only in reverse...they feel that we should consider them and their wants before our own. Vacations are huge issue. They feel that we should commit time with them before we commit ourselves to leisure travel. It''s really hard to explain that although we enjoy seeing them--we also need a break, and family time isn''t exactly a vacation (at least not for me). See the correlation? You feel they should spend their money on you before they spend it on themselves. Well, honey, it just doesn''t always work out that way...no matter how much money you have in the bank.

If you''re bothered, talk it out. Tell them how you feel. If you don''t feel comfortable approaching the subject, send your FI in. Otherwise, it''s time to cut the expenses where you can. It''s an unwelcome last minute loop...that''s for sure...but it''s reality, and whats going to matter in the long run is how you handle yourself. Calling them names, thats unproductive--you''re wasting time you don''t have if you do in fact have to rework numbers. Either face it head on, or find "a way out of no way."

Sorry this happened...it''s not ideal.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 11/27/2009 10:53:14 PM
Author: Haven
I feel for you, soontowed.


When someone commits to contributing a certain amount for a wedding, and you factor that in when making your plans, it can be extremely frustrating when they change their minds after you''ve already budgeted (or contracted) that money.


I don''t agree with you that these people are stingy, as they gave you a generous amount of money. But I do agree that it was unkind of them to promise one amount and then give less after the fact.


Trill''s advice sounds spot-on to me, I would follow that.

Ditto, to haven and tril

 

[joelly]

Date: 11/27/2009 11:56:44 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I''ll take credit for that one...haha...

But seriously...people''s financial standings change. Just because they booked a vacation doesn''t mean they can afford your wedding. People are entitled to spend their money however they see fit. I personally bump into this exact issue with my inlaw''s...only in reverse...they feel that we should consider them and their wants before our own. Vacations are huge issue. They feel that we should commit time with them before we commit ourselves to leisure travel. It''s really hard to explain that although we enjoy seeing them--we also need a break, and family time isn''t exactly a vacation (at least not for me). See the correlation? You feel they should spend their money on you before they spend it on themselves. Well, honey, it just doesn''t always work out that way...no matter how much money you have in the bank.

If you''re bothered, talk it out. Tell them how you feel. If you don''t feel comfortable approaching the subject, send your FI in. Otherwise, it''s time to cut the expenses where you can. It''s an unwelcome last minute loop...that''s for sure...but it''s reality, and whats going to matter in the long run is how you handle yourself. Calling them names, thats unproductive--you''re wasting time you don''t have if you do in fact have to rework numbers. Either face it head on, or find ''a way out of no way.''

Sorry this happened...it''s not ideal.

Ditto what Italia said in highlighted.

If I may add, you''re also wasting money you don''t have. I can''t help feeling that your parents spoiled you so much that you might be up for a lot of surprises in getting marry with your total opposite (money wise).

The economy is the way it is now is due to ppl who spend the money they don''t have.

I am so sad for you. Better wise up quick!!!

 

[soontowed]

First of all, we have not spent any money we don''t have. My FI and I make more than enough money to cover the cost as do my parents. We have not paid anything wedding related on credit as we did not want to go into debt over a wedding.

The problem is that our parents sat down with us and each agreed to give a certain amount and his parents did not come through only 5 weeks before the wedding. Aren''t you supposed to be able to count on your parent''s word?
So now we have to cover the difference for all the relatives his parents made FI invite. The invitations went out already so cutting the guest list is not an option.
I would NEVER bring it up to his parents, and as annoyed as FI is also, he wouldn''t either.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 11/27/2009 5:46:53 PM
Author: laughwithme
I know everyone says things when really angry, before cooling down...but this post kinda makes me mad

I think its a little too harsh. I wouldn''t consider them ''cheap'' or ''stingy'' after giving you 4k. I think that is pretty generous. I would consider it frustrating that they didn''t keep their word, and depending on how solid their initial commitment was, I would have asked (kindly) why the check was less than that commitment.

Did they specify 10k to be given to you on a certain date? Or was it something like, ''we can probably handle about 10k before the wedding''? Depending on how vague they may have been, I would have followed up throughout the months leading to the wedding in order to confirm their contribution.

I am sorry about this really unpleasant surprise several weeks before your wedding. I guess at this point its too late to cut costs since you''re probably already in a lot of contracts. If the opportunity presents itself, maybe you could still ask why the check wasn''t for the full amount, and let them know that you had depended on that amount and signed contracts accordingly, which you now can''t get out of.

I don''t think the amount of money that your FIL''s spent on a cruise should really matter in this situation - everyone is entitled to spend their cash how they want, and I hope that doesn''t add to your resentment - I think its important to still thank them and be grateful, even if its twenty bucks.

They said it several times and in front of my parents. It was a solid "we will give you 10K" I would not have cared if they said they couldn''t give us any money it''s the fact that they committed to a specific amount and then backed out at a point when it''s to late to do any cost cutting, especially since more than half of the guest list is their family.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 11/27/2009 10:17:03 PM
Author: Luckyeshe
I agree with Trill, she''s a very wise woman. I think you and your FI may need to go over there and just talk to you FILs. It stinks that you depended on 10K, but at least they still gave you 4K. Maybe you can cut their guest list to 40% as another PSer had suggested. I''m sorry that you''re frustrated about this. I would be too if I was in your shoes.

Hey Lucky, since the invitations already went out, I should have his parents call their relatives and uninvite them. I''m joking but I wish I could do that.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Date: 11/28/2009 5:29:00 AM
Author: soontowed

Date: 11/27/2009 10:17:03 PM
Author: Luckyeshe
I agree with Trill, she''s a very wise woman. I think you and your FI may need to go over there and just talk to you FILs. It stinks that you depended on 10K, but at least they still gave you 4K. Maybe you can cut their guest list to 40% as another PSer had suggested. I''m sorry that you''re frustrated about this. I would be too if I was in your shoes.

Hey Lucky, since the invitations already went out, I should have his parents call their relatives and uninvite them. I''m joking but I wish I could do that.

Don''t worry! I think along the same lines as you!

But of course I''d never do it either.

It just makes me feel a little better inside.

 

[iheartscience]

Well I''m on your side and I''m not sure why everyone is acting like you''re totally rude for being upset. I know not everyone is lucky enough to get contributions from their parents, but that shouldn''t be held against you! I think it''s really crappy for his parents to promise you $10k and then give you $4k 5 weeks before the wedding. Plus it makes no sense-if they were only willing to give you $4k for the wedding, why didn''t they say that to begin with?

What I''m not getting is your fiance''s unwillingness to bring it up to them. Why? I understand you can afford to make up the difference, but if my parents offered to give me $10k for my wedding and then only gave me $4k, you better believe I''d be asking them where the rest of the money was! You should try to get to the bottom of this, or you''ll likely be resenting them for quite a while. I''d be more worried about your fiance''s unwillingness to communicate about tough issues than I would be about him pulling the same thing with your future kids.

And I know that of course you''re not going to do this, but I would love to hear what your FMIL has to say if you call her and tell her to cut her guest list by 60%!

 

[Treasure43]

That''s a tough situation to be in and I feel for you completely. However, the downside to counting on other people for money is that they can back out at any time and leave you in the lurch. I agree in an ideal world you should be able to count on your parents and future in-laws promises. However, it is their money and they have the right not to give it to you. It''s odd that they would just cut the amount that much and not mention anything to you. Especially since they have so many people on the guest list. My mother keeps wanting to add people and saying she''ll pay for them but I''ve told her that our guest list is final and that''s that. I''d have FI talk to them because since the invitations already went out you can''t really "uninvite" people. Maybe they thought they''d have more money in the bank and now don''t? I have no idea. I know if FI''s parents decided they weren''t covering the reception like they said they would, I''d be pretty frustrated. However, then we''d just have the reception somewhere like a backyard and do something we can afford.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 11/28/2009 8:59:28 AM
Author: thing2of2
Well I''m on your side and I''m not sure why everyone is acting like you''re totally rude for being upset. I know not everyone is lucky enough to get contributions from their parents, but that shouldn''t be held against you! I think it''s really crappy for his parents to promise you $10k and then give you $4k 5 weeks before the wedding. Plus it makes no sense-if they were only willing to give you $4k for the wedding, why didn''t they say that to begin with?

What I''m not getting is your fiance''s unwillingness to bring it up to them.

Ditto.

 

[Amzizzle]

I''m sorry,I know you shouldn''t always count on other peoples money.This is a wedding though where financial contributions tend to be counted on. I also think when someone is paying that much for something you have to invite people you don''t want to because of what they are putting towards it,but when all that is gone.I''m not going to lie I would be pissed.

My father has offered to pay for my dress,but he is completely unreliable.So I will be budgeting for it just in case he decides to do his usual thing.I''m sorry that you are put in such a rough financial place but I hope you can work it out.On a side not they really couldn''t tell you this 6 months ago?

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 11/28/2009 5:18:27 AM
Author: soontowed
First of all, we have not spent any money we don''t have. My FI and I make more than enough money to cover the cost as do my parents. We have not paid anything wedding related on credit as we did not want to go into debt over a wedding.


The problem is that our parents sat down with us and each agreed to give a certain amount and his parents did not come through only 5 weeks before the wedding. Aren''t you supposed to be able to count on your parent''s word?

So now we have to cover the difference for all the relatives his parents made FI invite. The invitations went out already so cutting the guest list is not an option.

I would NEVER bring it up to his parents, and as annoyed as FI is also, he wouldn''t either.

You may not have spent beyond your means, but you spent money that you did not physically have in your possession - as in, the future in-laws had not yet written you a check. And there''s nothing wrong with relying on your relatives'' word that they will give you that money - YES, you should be able to count on them. (You yourself said you''re not surprised at their stinginess, though). I think you''re totally justified in being upset.
But I suppose I''ve just seen the situation too many times where someone orally promised a certain amount, and then when it comes time to write the check, they give a different amount. That doesn''t make it less hurtful/irritating/inconvenient that this happened to you, of course. But still, I see it as a life lesson - and perhaps an indication that your in-laws aren''t dependable.

That said, I don''t know that there''s anything you could have done to prevent it. It would have been rude to insist that they cut you a check then and there, when you discussed the amount they were giving to you.


You may not be able to cut your guest list, but you could probably cut back on something if it''s really necessary -- fewer flowers or smaller arrangements, beer & wine instead of an open bar, etc. I''m sure vendors run into issues like yours pretty often, where people need to scale down at the last minute.

 

[merrijoy]

Date: 11/28/2009 5:18:27 AM
Author: soontowed
First of all, we have not spent any money we don''t have. My FI and I make more than enough money to cover the cost as do my parents. We have not paid anything wedding related on credit as we did not want to go into debt over a wedding.

The problem is that our parents sat down with us and each agreed to give a certain amount and his parents did not come through only 5 weeks before the wedding. Aren''t you supposed to be able to count on your parent''s word?
So now we have to cover the difference for all the relatives his parents made FI invite. The invitations went out already so cutting the guest list is not an option.
I would NEVER bring it up to his parents, and as annoyed as FI is also, he wouldn''t either.

You have the money then right? Why fight with your future in-laws when you yourself said you have more than enough money to pay for the wedding? They may have promised you the money and made the cruise reservations when the economy was better. Who knows what is in their wallets and maybe they don''t want to share their financial struggles with their children.

I think you and your husband need to have a serious financial discussion so you don''t have issues as you said in the future with your future children and giving them money. I would also think long and hard about just giving children anything they want, because it creates a person who believes if their relatives have money, that they are entitled to it. JMO.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/27/2009 10:53:14 PM
Author: Haven
I feel for you, soontowed.


When someone commits to contributing a certain amount for a wedding, and you factor that in when making your plans, it can be extremely frustrating when they change their minds after you''ve already budgeted (or contracted) that money.


I don''t agree with you that these people are stingy, as they gave you a generous amount of money. But I do agree that it was unkind of them to promise one amount and then give less after the fact.


Trill''s advice sounds spot-on to me, I would follow that.

Agreed. Yes of course you are lucky to get a contribution at all, but it is very frustrating when someone promise''s something and then doesn''t come through.

But I''m with Haven-I think everyone is getting upset because you said they are stingy which quite frankly makes you sound like a spoiled brat.

It''s one thing to be disappointed and frustrated with the situation but another entirely to call his parents stingy. They still gave you $4k-which isn''t stingy at ALL IMO.