I know this is stupid. . .

[cellososweet]

. . . But i can''t help it

FI proposed to me back in February. The ring is gorgeous. It is exactly the one i wanted. It looks perfect on my finger. everyone and anyone compliments me on it. we picked a date for next august at a private home. it is beautiful. outdoors. beautiful gardens and acreage of nothing but manicured tree groves, gardens, etc. we''ve picked our colors, wedding party, etc. i''m really really really excited about the wedding. but. .

i''m still not over the proposal. I know! It''s so dumb. But let me give some background. . . .

We had been talking marriage and I knew the proposal was coming. He wasn''t very good at hiding the fact that he was going to get the ring. he said he had to "run errands." We''re a super-open couple, so the word "errands" have never even come out of his mouth. I knew what he was doing. We went to my parents house to hang out and he dressed up. duh. i knew it immediately. he always dresses well, but he was like. . button down shirt on a saturday. and he talked to my parents way more than usual and it was so obvious. but that''s not the problem really. When we talked about the proposal i told him that i didn''t expect anything overthetop. didn''t expect all the candles and champagne and stuff. it would be nice but not necessary. the only thing i asked. . .the ONLY thing. . . was that it be a private affair and not in public. I was sooo adamant about this. . . .

i hate surprises and i know hate is a strong word but it''s perfect for my feeling on surprises. And i realllllly really hate public surprises. i''m an outgoing person, very social, but im traditional in that some things need to be done in private. i figuratively smashed this into his head. he said that he knew that i hated it.

So. . we go to dinner with my parents and he gets down on one knee in front of them and the whole restaurant. i was embarrased, angry, and put on the spot. i would have said yes if we were in a private place anyway, but i felt that i had to say yes because "the whole world" was watching. This wasn''t the feeling i wanted to have on my engagement day.

i''ve told him that i was upset about the proposal (after about a month) and asked him why he would go against my only wish. He said that he got so caught up in the moment and just couldn''t wait. i know that''s sweet and all, but i feel like he completely disregarded my feelings and I CANNOT get over it.

What the heck do i do? seriously. . .i can''t stop thinking about it and feeling like i said yes because i was put on the spot, not because i wanted to. but i did want to. does this make sense? i wanted to say yes because i wanted to say yes, not because i was embarassed. please help me. arggggh. gosh. . . i dont'' even know what i could do or he could do to make this feeling go away. i seriously think a major re-do is the only way to go. but how is this possible? The ring is already on my finger. i''m an idiot. haha. i know if i read this i''d be like. . .shut up poo poo, things aren''t always perfect. but. . . yeah. . advice please?

~cellososweet

 

[MINE!!]

Personally,

I would tell him to try it again. I would let him know what my feelings are about it and tell him that you are not sure when or how or what he should do, but that he needs to help you get through this. Tell him that you want to have him sincerely, privately and romatically ask you to marry him. Let him figure it out, have faith in him and he may just follow through.

You can't go back and redo it, and that sucks, but he can create a special proposal for both of you. Let him know that his proposal felt more like it was for everyone else and not for you and really, to give yourself peace, know that he has proposed JUST for you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Do you want to marry him? If the answer is yes then you need to get over the proposal. I often wish life is scripted like a movie but it''s not. He *thought* he was doing the right thing. If you think you really did say yes because you were "on the spot" then that is a much bigger problem. I think you need to take some time to really think about why you said yes.

 

[firebirdgold]

This is really very funny to me since my fi is just like you. He wanted to propose at the restaurant where we first met, but didn't want to do it in public so he got take out from the place!

As the other person, I have to say that it's really hard to grasp how upsetting it is to the person who hates public stuff. I've made a couple of mistakes myself because I was so excited and happy that even though I know he hates stuff like that I really thought he'd still be happy. The whole getting down on one knee in a restaurant is so much a part of our culture that he probably never even put the two together. (public restaurant + you hate public surprises). He probably thought you meant like no 'will you marry me' on the scoreboard at a game or something.
Please forgive him, I'm sure he did not think he was disregarding your feelings.

BTW, how did he respond when you eventually told him you were upset?

 

[cellososweet]

hi guys, thanks for your response. i said that i would have said yes no matter where it was, so that''s not the issue. the issue is that i feel like this is a very important thing in life and he went against my wishes. i''m not upset that it wasn''t "perfect," ( i didn''t need the whole "set up." Just an easy sunday morning in bed, or on a walk, or in our living. or the bathroom for crying out loud. haha) i''m upset that i only asked for one thing. One consideration. and he couldn''t do that for me. that''s what i can''t get over. i know he didn''t do it on purpose, and that is why it''s not an issue of whether i want to marry him or not. he did what he thought was best. but he didn''t think of me. and thats the difficult part for me i think. i''ve gone over it over and over. and i try to tell myself that he had good intention and the fact that we both want to marry the other should be enough. but i just can''t shake this feeling that this is one of the most important things in our lives and he went completely against my only (and i believe reasonable) wish. and i just have this feeling that if he doesn''t show me that he understands what he did really hurt me i''m afraid he might do it again on a really important occasion. it''s not a deal breaker, it just hurts.

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 9/28/2006 3:21:22 PM
Author: MINE!!
Personally,


I would tell him to try it again. I would let him know what my feelings are about it and tell him that you are not sure when or how or what he should do, but that he needs to help you get through this. Tell him that you want to have him sincerely, privately and romatically ask you to marry him. Let him figure it out, have faith in him and he may just follow through.


You can''t go back and redo it, and that sucks, but he can create a special proposal for both of you. Let him know that his proposal felt more like it was for everyone else and not for you and really, to give yourself peace, know that he has proposed JUST for you.

While I do agree somewhat with Tacori, I also think that there is nothing wrong with making sure that you are happy and excited about something that is so big in your life, and that you have a memory that is wonderful.

My DH proposed only after it seemed like I had fussed my head off about commitment and loss... etc etc. He basically asked me on the coach in front of jeporday. Very UNROMANTIC, very unsuprising and very ... sad kinda. And I was sad about it. And I told him that although I really love him and I wanted to marry him, somehow I was sad and disappointed. I also explained that I knew that life was not a fairytale and that things were not always done like in Romance books, but I was still very sad.

So, I was writing a thesis for school and he was proofreading it one day and grading papers for his course as well and he handed me back my paper. I put it in my box and did not look at it right away. One night, About (2 nights later) I was proofreading the chapter one more time and I happened to look down at his comments and they said "I would give this a perfect A, just like I know our life will be togther, if you say yes one more time to marry me." The proposal meant more to me than any candlelight dinner, romantic walk or creative idea. HE knew how I felt, cause I told him and he loved me enough to make sure that everytime I thought if his proposal, I would be happy and smile... and I do every time.

 

[cellososweet]

sorry indie, we were positng at the same time. he took it hard when i told him. he told me that he was so excited to have me as his fiancee that he didn''t think about what i wanted. when i told him that statement scares me (not thinking about what i want), he completely understood and felt really bad about it. he realized after he did it that i wasn''t really happy about it and he could tell during the proposal that i seemed upset. but i don''t know if he knows what to do about it besides say i''m sorry. i just wanted it to be private. and it''s not a bratty thing. i really really don''t like public displays of affection and tend to be a relationship recluse. and he knows this. argggh. . .thanks for your advice though.

 

[ellewoods]

Cellosweet,

Please don''t think your feelings are stupid. It sounds like your fiance is a very kind, caring man, who was very excited to propose and wanted to share the experience with your parents so they could be a part of it. Of course, that doesn''t mean you have to 100% love the proposal, and there''s nothing wrong with feeling sad or dissapointed or wishing things had happened differently. I''m a pretty rational person, and in the last few months after getting engaged and starting to plan my wedding, I''ve been experiencing some strong emotions all over the map -- about things I wouldn''t expect to feel so strongly about.

Anyway, I agree with MINE, I think you should tell him (gently) that you are really happy that he wanted to share the proposal with your parents, it means a lot to you that he respects them and would involve them. But tell him that you were also looking forward to a very private proposal between the two of you, and you were hoping you could still do something like that with him.

Suggest that you two plan a very special, romantic date, sometime soon. And tell him you''d like to say a few things to him about getting engaged and marrying him as well, and you''d really like it if he would propose privately, again, so its a proposal where you''re both involved in asking each other. Maybe even get him some sort of engagement gift -- a watch, or an engraved pocket watch, or even just a nice picture of you two in a frame. That way it''s a private date about the two of you getting engaged, but it doesn''t appear to him like you''re demanding a "re-do," so his feelings aren''t hurt.

 

[cellososweet]

ellewoods. . . .thank u. this sounds perfect

 

[larussel03]

I know that the proposing in the restaurant wasn't what you wanted, and it embarassed you, but maybe from his perspective he was taken up in the moment and just so excited to ask you to be his wife, that he went ahead and did it anyways. Maybe the way that he did it was special to him, and he didnt realize that he'd messed up a bit, and maybe now that you've said that you have negative feelings about the proposal, his excitement will turn to feeling bad that he did it "wrong". Plus, the proposal is a little bit of "his" thing if he is doing the proposing, so the only way you'd have KNOWN that it would be in private is if you proposed to yourself--and that's no fun!

Also you say that you're upset b/c you feel as though you had to say yes b/c you were put on the spot, but you wanted to say yes anyways, so there's really no difference in the outcome, except that you have a negative taste in your mouth regarding the whole proposal.

Either way, if I were you, I'd really try to get over it. The ring, you said, is perfect, so obvi. he cares about what you want and saw to it that you guys had it. Try to not enter wedding planning and marriage with negative feelings, it's really not that big of a deal, so why make him feel bad about it as well after the fact?

hope this helps, it's just my opinion, don't want to make you feel bad or anything.

 

[Mara]

i agree with tacori and sweetpea but obviously different personalities are going to see this differently. i am personally not a dweller on stuff that is 'extraneous' for me.

i didn't have the greatest or most romantic proposal in the world either. there were 10 ways it could have been done better. he even TOLD me afterwards that he had planned something he knew i'd love, but that i wanted it ASAP so he nixed the other idea so that i could have it right away. sweet sentiment though i'd rather have waited a day to get the other more fabulous proposal out of the movie, but whatever.

i got over it. this is not about the wedding or the proposal or even the ring! you are getting MARRIED. a lifetime of spending with this other person. i had a decent proposal as did you in actual reality. so why linger on something that wasn't straight out of a movie? life is not like a movie either. totally unrealistic.

if you were going to say yes anyway then who cares if it was in front of other people? he obviously thought he was doing something special for you at the time, esp by doing it front of your family. in terms of redoing it, well that's totally your perogative but why?? it's already over, you can't redo it, just move on and be happy about what is in front of you and past that, your future. not the past. also if i asked greg to redo his proposal his feelings would have been really hurt, no matter how i couched it. they feel like they didn't do a great job if that is the case.

i would just say respectfully, get over it, move on, be ecstatic you are marrying the man you love and planning a life together. the proposal is just one tiny tiny piece in your puzzle of life.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 9/28/2006 3:54:37 PM
Author: Mara
i agree with tacori and sweetpea but obviously different personalities are going to see this differently. i am personally not a dweller on stuff that is ''extraneous'' for me.

i would just say respectfully, get over it, move on, be ecstatic you are marrying the man you love and planning a life together. the proposal is just one tiny tiny piece in your puzzle of life.

I think you should focus all your energy on your wedding. Sounds like you are already planning your perfect day. Like Mara said it is about the marriage. Getting married is a huge deal but there is so much pressure on guys. They have to find/buy the perfect ring, plan the perfect proposal, all while knowing we are just waiting and waiting....I understand that the proposal was not perfect to you and for that I am sorry. Sorry if I sounded harsh before. But it sounds like he tried and he loves you. I think sometimes that has to be enough.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh men are dumdums. Well, benignly clueless is probably more the thing. Just look over at my wedding chore thread to see how clueless they can be!

Anyway, you and I had the same request. I did NOT want a public proposal. I made that clear. And he respected my wishes...only because he''s not capable of putting together a proposal at all! LOL. So you know what he DID do?

He picked up the ring (which I had help put together). I just wanted him to ASK me. I didn''t care where he did it. In the living room and just ask me. He came through the door with the fed ex package, saw me on the couch and THREW IT AT ME saying "here you go!"

It was in total jest, and I knew it at the time. But I still horribly mortified! It was done and over...forever my first receiving of the ring is an image of a fed-ex pak hurling towards me in slow motion. He couldn''t take it back, no matter what happened after that. And what happened after that was still a very simple proposal in my home office later that night. He did get down on one knee, and he did ask me, but it didn''t carry the full joy that may have been if he had just done that in the first place.

So any "make up" proposal for me would not have cut the mustard. I essentially, like Tacori and Mara said, had to get over it. He loves me and shows me that in the little things that he does. I keep my eye on the prize.

At least your man made a boo boo because he was so excited and share his love for you with the world. Mine just was in the mood to throw things.

 

[cellososweet]

ok. . so maybe i should reword this. . .

i am upset that my fiance went against something that deeply upsets me and makes me horifically anxiety-filled (and not the good kind). He knew the one thing in the world that would make me upset and i feel like he thought about his own feelings over mine. there. . .

i think that''s better.

so my question really is. . . how do i get over the feeling that my fiance values his own feelings more than mine. And yes, it really is just this one situation. but since it''s so big, it just really *sticks* ya know?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/28/2006 4:11:48 PM
Author: cellososweet
ok. . so maybe i should reword this. . .

i am upset that my fiance went against something that deeply upsets me and makes me horifically anxiety-filled (and not the good kind). He knew the one thing in the world that would make me upset and i feel like he thought about his own feelings over mine. there. . .

i think that''s better.

so my question really is. . . how do i get over the feeling that my fiance values his own feelings more than mine. And yes, it really is just this one situation. but since it''s so big, it just really *sticks* ya know?

Well, if you don''t get over this and make him "pay" for it, you are valuing your own feelings over his.

 

[codex57]

Ehh. Not gonna sugar coat it.

Ok, he screwed up. Let it go. Get over it. Look at the bright side of it. He was so excited he got too caught up in the moment. You know guys can be real dense sometimes, right? Have him make up for it at the wedding or something. Give yourself a couple of weeks and then see if you're still mad. Take that time to start planning your wedding or something. Think of the good in your guy. Yeah, I know, it can be a bad sign that he forgot about your fear of public. Sounds like you made it a good point to really pound it into his head this time. But yeah, the whole process is VERY overwhelming to guys who don't normally make big shows of affection. I was worried about getting a good ring, losing the ring, making sure the ring didn't show, keeping it as much a surprise as possible, finding a memorable spot, what the hell I would say, etc.

When you get married, not everything is going to be a fairy tale perfect ending. Even the wedding itself. Sure we'd like it to, but life has a way of throwing some monkey wrenches into the works. Just get through it. If he screwed up, make sure he knows it (sounds like he does). Talking about it is good.

I've noticed that a lot of weddings cause a ton of grief to the bride and groom. Maybe you girls love to torture yourselves. Fine whatever. Must be a Venus thing. Guys don't like that. When a problem pops up (as it inevitably will), the couples that just plow through and work to fix the problem make it through emotionally better than the ones who dwell upon it with the "woe is me" or "you screwed up you idiot!" bit.

Sorry I'm not more supportive. I think there's too much estrogen for me today.

Edit: reread about that Feb. part.

Seriously, do what it takes to move on. From a guy's point of view, this is a VERY bad sign. High chance that when things get a little rough, this is going to be another ancient event that you're going to throw into his face. We do NOT like when girls do that. It also makes the crazy content of sites like www.nomarriage.com a bit more understandable.

 

[Mara]

again, cello why are you dwelling on this ONE THING he did. i realize it was a proposal which is a big deal, but obviously you adore the man and he adores you and no one is perfect. so he made a mistake! he obviously was not thinking straight....do you think it was malicious? because otherwise, again....i can realize that you are upset he went against what you wanted him to do, but it sounds like he just lost his head!

i guess i'm asking why if he is so wonderful and you want to marry him you are holding this one thing against him. i know i sound like a broken record sometimes but again, marriage is not about things being PERFECT or the person doing what you want them to all the time. there will be times when he disappoints you. and vice versa. how you two handle that....it will set the tone for your life together.

do you think you CAN try to get past it and focus on all the other great things about him? because otherwise, i'm not too sure what to say. yes it sucks but life goes on?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/28/2006 4:15:35 PM
Author: codex57
Ehh. Not gonna sugar coat it.

Ok, he screwed up. Let it go. Get over it. Look at the bright side of it. He was so excited he got too caught up in the moment. You know guys can be real dense sometimes, right? Have him make up for it at the wedding or something. Give yourself a couple of weeks and then see if you''re still mad. Take that time to start planning your wedding or something. Think of the good in your guy. Yeah, I know, it can be a bad sign that he forgot about your fear of public. Sounds like you made it a good point to really pound it into his head this time. But yeah, the whole process is VERY overwhelming to guys who don''t normally make big shows of affection. I was worried about getting a good ring, losing the ring, making sure the ring didn''t show, keeping it as much a surprise as possible, finding a memorable spot, what the hell I would say, etc.

When you get married, not everything is going to be a fairy tale perfect ending. Even the wedding itself. Sure we''d like it to, but life has a way of throwing some monkey wrenches into the works. Just get through it. If he screwed up, make sure he knows it (sounds like he does). Talking about it is good.

I''ve noticed that a lot of weddings cause a ton of grief to the bride and groom. Maybe you girls love to torture yourselves. Fine whatever. Must be a Venus thing. Guys don''t like that. When a problem pops up (as it inevitably will), the couples that just plow through and work to fix the problem make it through emotionally better than the ones who dwell upon it with the ''woe is me'' or ''you screwed up you idiot!'' bit.

Sorry I''m not more supportive. I think there''s too much estrogen for me today.

Edit: reread about that Feb. part.

Seriously, do what it takes to move on. From a guy''s point of view, this is a VERY bad sign. High chance that when things get a little rough, this is going to be another ancient event that you''re going to throw into his face.

Good for you Codex for being a good (albeit it, not overly supportive

) male voice around here. I think we women forget sometimes how guys think. As I have been wedding planning myself, I am led to realize that when they say women are from venus and men are from mars is not true. Women (myself included) are from Mars....and beyond sometimes!

BTW Cellosweet, my above comment was not meant as a slam to you. Just a note that boys and girls play in different sandboxes a lot of the time.

 

[Efe]

If this is really about this one incident and not an underlying issue in your relationship or an issue in your past about being respected, then my suggestion is:


The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.
William James

In all seriousness though, my husband''s proposal was a non-event. I told him how I felt and then let it go. On our one year anniversary, he rented a small park with a gazebo by the water. He hired a caterer and had music, flowers, and wine. It was utterly romantic and it meant so much more to me than the proposal because it showed how he felt about our us, our marriage, and our life together, on the other side of the wedding.

 

[whatmeworry]

He didn''t mean it and yeah he got caught up in the moment! I know you were adamant about the no public thing but sometimes guys can be dense about things. You have to slap us on the heads and say Pay attention now, I''m really adamant about this... I had to do a re-do (proposal take two) because she really wanted it a certain way (more formal). Yeah ask for a re-do, a private proposal.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/28/2006 4:36:48 PM
Author: whatmeworry
He didn't mean it and yeah he got caught up in the moment! I know you were adamant about the no public thing but sometimes guys can be dense about things. You have to slap us on the heads and say Pay attention now, I'm really adamant about this... I had to do a re-do (proposal take two) because she really wanted it a certain way (more formal). Yeah ask for a re-do, a private proposal.

I don't get the whole re-do thing. How does it really negate the initial and true proposal? I can totally understand why cellosweet made her stipulation, as it would cause her discomfort, but I think what's done is done.

I mean, think about it...what if men asked women to rewalk down the aisle because they always pictured her smiling instead of looking solemn? Not a perfect analogy, I know, but really. Men ask, we say yes or tell them to pound sand, and move on.

ETA, I don't mean to dismiss those that got a re-do, but I am really wondering if that will make up her disappointment that he "disregarded" her feelings the first time. I think MINE's second proposal was sweet, and it seems apparent that it made up for the first romantic proposal, but cellosweet got proposed to back in February. That's a long time to stew.

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 9/28/2006 4:40:35 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/28/2006 4:36:48 PM

Author: whatmeworry

He didn''t mean it and yeah he got caught up in the moment! I know you were adamant about the no public thing but sometimes guys can be dense about things. You have to slap us on the heads and say Pay attention now, I''m really adamant about this... I had to do a re-do (proposal take two) because she really wanted it a certain way (more formal). Yeah ask for a re-do, a private proposal.

I don''t get the whole re-do thing. How does it really negate the initial and true proposal? I can totally understand why cellosweet made her stipulation, as it would cause her discomfort, but I think what''s done is done.


I mean, think about it...what if men asked women to rewalk down the aisle because they always pictured her smiling instead of looking solemn? Not a perfect analogy, I know, but really. Men ask, we say yes or tell them to pound sand, and move on.

I just do not think that there is anything wrong with easing your SO mind. To him, it was special, to her, it was uncomfortable, why should it not be special for both of them... why should she just "get over it"? My DH made it special because he knew that it meant a lot to me. I did not rag him about it, I did not fuss at him about it, I just let him know that it made me sad sometimes, he did not think that what he did was insignificant, or that I disregarded his proposal, but he did think that there was no harm in making me feel happy and remember this "BIG" moment in our relationship as something wonderful. Therefore, it was special for both of us. So, I think the whole "get over it" is unfair.

 

[TravelingGal]

MINE, I added the ETA before I saw your reply. I can understand what you are saying, but I am wondering if she really can feel special about the proposal after all this time has passed...

 

[cellososweet]

i''m just going to drop it because i don''t think people realize that this is more about the fact that he put his own excitement over my feelings. i''m not trying to make him "pay." i didn''t tell him how i felt to be malicious and i didn''t do it maliciously. if i wanted him to "pay" i''d tell him that i didn''t want to marry him because he didn''t propose correctly. or i would have said no. i''m realistic, but i''m hurt. give me a break. i don''t really want a new proposal. i just want him to understand that if he told me that there is one thing in his life that if i did it, he would be crushed, i wouldn''t do it.

"i''m sorry" just doesn''t make it feel like he understands. ya know? i just want to have the feeling that he understands that when i say not to do something because it is deeply personal for me, that he understands. i guess i''m just getting nervous because i don''t want him to smash cake in my face either and i''m really adamant about that too. and i can just see him saying "i got so caught up in the moment and was so excited." ya know? i just want to avoid this for the future and i don''t think he understands how i feel. and i don''t know if he understands why it is such as issue for me. it''s not about the ring. it''s not about a fairy tale. and i thought i made that clear. but i guess i didn''t. i just want to feel like my FI listens to me.

i can''t think of one situation in the world where i would go completely against his wishes (due to deep emotional reasons) just because i was excited. i just want to feel like he gets it so it won''t happen again.

i really should have clarified because i''m upset that everyone is talking about the proposal. yes, i could change my attitutude about it. and i have. i''m not upset about the proposal, i''m upset that he didn''t listen to me. maybe that''s the bigger issue. why do i spell things out in black and white and he does it in color and doesn''t understand why i''m not happy about it!? i seriously spelled it out for him about the public thing. i said to him that i would be incredibly uncomfortable and uneasy if he did it in public. i would feel like i was saying yes because i was pressured not because i felt loved. i told him that i would say yes to him in any situation but that i really did not want him to do it in public because i would look back at it sourly and i didn''t want to do that to him. seriously, just like that. and viola. . in a restaurant.

so. . that''s my point. . .should i just get over the fact that i worry my fiance will do this again? I don''t know. i''ve already talked to him about it and he just says "i''m sorry" but i''ve told him that i need more from him to feel at ease. i guess the re-do was just an idea. a heartful apology over why he''s sorry would work just as well. "I''m sorry" is so vague. what are you sorry for? the fact that you feel bad or the fact that i feel bad or both? Does anyone understand what i mean?

sorry. . . . reallllly frustrated that i didn''t get my point accross to begin with. i guess this just came up because we talked about the cake-smash thing last night and it felt like a nice can of deja-vu.

 

[SoonIHope]

I'm with Mine - he should want to find a way to make her feel special and appreciated, like he is concerned for her feelings and respectful of them. No, this won't "negate" the initial proposal, but it will give her a positive memory to associate "agreeing to get married" with. So when she remembers getting engaged it will be a meld of the two different times; sure they were engaged before the re-do, but just having a nice private moment dedicated to saying why they want to marry each other sounds like a wonderful romantic time, and if that's what it takes to ease cello's mind, then why NOT? I disagree with the "just get over it" advice because ultimately no one can ever "just" get over something. For people like Mara or TravelingGal, maybe you CAN just shrug it off, but if cello's feelings are genuinely hurt about this, her fiance should care and do what he can to help her out. Of course she also needs to try her best to forgive him and move on, thinking about the future, the good things in the relationship, the marriage to come, etc, but it's not JUST her problem. If a gesture from him will help show her that he really does care about her feelings and want her to have a wonderful memory surrounding this, then that's what he should do.

That said - I'm sorry you're feeling this way cello and hope you feel better about it all soon!

ETA: I completely agree with whatmeworry's comment below! Great way of putting it.

 

[whatmeworry]

I don''t think a re-do negates the initial proposal, but maybe it completes the engagement in her mind. Let''s say someone proposes without a ring, but getting the ring later completes the engagement in her mind.

 

[cellososweet]

mine and albicocca. this is exactly what i meant when i bought up the re-do. it''s not what i want. i just want to feel like he understands. and if the re-do, or a letter, or a talk, or something can do that. . .that''s what i want.

albicocca, i cried when i read your post because i feel like you understand why this is an issue for me. not that its not a fairy tale. trust me, two parents with cancer, 40 hours of week plus 20 hours a week for 4 years at college and 8 family members dead in the same time. if anyone gets it, i get it. trust me. i know life is not a fairy tale. but it should be about understanding and respecting people and their wishes and that was the point. thank you.

 

[SoonIHope]

Cello - I''m so sorry this is so emotional for you, but I''m glad you feel like I understand!! I can totally empathize with that uneasiness that comes with something like this, where the thing itself becomes a backseat issue. I don''t expect my fiance to be perfect by any means, and he will make mistakes (as will I) but if one of us hurts the other''s feelings, I expect us to be able to talk it out in such a way that we can feel optimistic that that same thing won''t happen again. Right now it sounds like you are just waiting for that belief to kick in that he gets it. I too would have been mortified by a public proposal (& drilled that into my fiance''s mind) and for something like that, "he just screwed up" wouldn''t be enough for me. Try a heartfelt talk and maybe ask for, if not a re-do explicitly, a why-we-want-to-marry-each-other date. Best of luck, and I hope you are able to put this behind you and have only wonderful memories going forward!!!

 

[flutterby]

not many of us got the proposal we dreamed of. but as long as we got the man of our dreams we were happy. I also dont understand why this is such a big deal fo you. It wasnt at a professional sports game on a megatron or on one of those reality shows where the whole country sees it, it was at a resturant with your parents.

I didnt want a huge public proposal, but it wasnt my dream to be in pj''s at home either. but it was what he thought was perfect, when he wanted to do it. I would''ve rather had it over dinner, but i never confronted him i simply said yes and will remember it being his day, when he asked me.

As harsh as it sounds....I feel like your ''hate of suprises'' has turned this into something that is all about you. You wanted him to do it, when you wanted, with the ring you wanted, you wanted to say yes but only under all your terms. It makes me question the partnership in the relationship

Finally, is this the only time you feel he put his feelings first, or is this little thing being blown out of proportion because it is something he always does. If you feel like he always negates your thoughts and feelings this is a much different issue.

 

[cellososweet]

msflutter, thanks for your response. however, i don''t know if you''ve read my recent replies. i wanted him to propose. however he wanted to. just not in public. i don''t think this really takes down the partnerships on our relationship and i feel upset that you see it that way. it''s not really about my hate of surprises and i thought i made that clear. it''s about the fact that i didn''t (and still don''t) think he understands that going completely against someones wishes is not ok in a relationship. no matter who does it. i didn''t have a "perfect proposal" in mind. at all. the only thing i wanted was not in public because of something that has happened to me, that he knows of. it''s personal. and he knows this. and im upset because i feel like he went against something that makes me really hurt and brings up upsetting feelings for me. not because of the proposal. but because of that. i know you said you think back at your proposal and a day that was his. but what if what he did really hurt you for a personal reason? would you look back at it like that? i''m not sure. i know you didn''t get what you wanted, but did you get something that made you incredibly uncomfortable? i don''t feel like he always does this. i''m just afraid he might do it again if he doesn''t understand why it hurt so bad. ya know? and when we bought up the cake smashing thing, it just made me think about it again. and i''m afraid that later on, if something really important comes up that i''ll be talking to a brick wall. if someone doesn''t understand why someone hurts, they might hurt them again. and i just don''t want that to happen. thanks