Hi I''m new here..need advice *really long post*

[fabcrab]

Hi there everyone!

A little background: I''m a long time lurker and a 21 year old college student. I finally had the courage to register and post in this lovely forum. Let me say thanks to everyone who''s been giving amazing diamond advice that you guys saved my fiance and I from buying a maul ring...instead I got an ACA 0.575ct, H, VS2 solitaire from WF and I''ve been teasing my fiance for an upgrade ever since lol

So I got engaged late April 2006 and the wedding is in January 2007. Unfortunately, I have this problem with my bridesmaids. I grew up in a different country and had amazing friends in high school. Ever since I moved to the U.S. for college I had a harder time building friendships beyond the classroom because I put all my focus and energy into maintaining a 4.0 GPA. Needless to say the groom is having a bestman and 3 groomsmen in his side (3 brothers and 1 friend) so that gives me room for 4 bridesmaids. I am very fortunate that two of my bridesmaids are very very supportive and excited with the wedding but I''m having a reallllyy difficult time with two of them.
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First problem is my MOH. We have been friends since middle school but unfortunately we went to totally different schools for college and we sort of haven''t been keeping in touch. Well, the friendship we had back then was priceless but the problem is people change. I have been noticing this even with the little contact we had for each other that our interests and priorities have been drifting apart over the years. She seemed really honored that I asked her to be my MOH but she has been making it more and more difficult for the planning process. We live in different states and she hardly replies to my email and only answers about 1/7 calls I make. I try my best not to be clingy as I''ve been busy with homework too but there are certain things like the measurements that I really need APAP.


Also, when I told her that I want my bridesmaids to wear black she said "Oh can you not I hate black can you make it pink" I was really offended but at the end of the day my FMIL and I fell in love with a chocolate brown (Sable) 2-piece dress by Bill Levkoff. Since this dress is $200 my FMIL even volunteered to pay for half of the dress since all my bridemaids are either recent graduates or poor college students like me. First of all her reaction to the dress was "Oh it looks fine." and she went on and on how expensive it is but it wasn''t long ago that she literally told me that she loses $100 bills in her room and "it''s no big deal". *Sigh* so I''m losing some hope and last night I called her and confronted her whether or not she can come to the wedding. She said "I''m pretty sure".... uhhh I have no idea what that means and I really wanted to discuss this seriously but she gave that I got to go vibe so that was that.

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Ok so second problem: Bridesmaid. Well since my fiance has 3 brothers and a really good friend I had to pick another person in my bridal party. Instead of going back to where I grew up this summer, I decided to work on campus. I met this really lovely girl and we really hit it off. She was very friendly and she''s the type of person I can talk to for hours and hours. But only knowing her for a couple of months made me hesitant to ask her but when it went really well...she seemed really happy and enthusiastic. But lately she''s been acting really funny towards me. It''s kind of like you know when two people really hit it off then one person decides to ask the other person out on a date then that person says yes but begin playing dating games like hard to get. I get really frustrated when I think about this but I would much rather have someone that''s supportive and enthusiastic that someone who I feel is only obligated. It''s kind of killing the wedding spirit a little bit

Sorry for writing so much. I just needed to vent a little bit.

 

[KimberlyH]

Fabcrab:

I''m sorry you are having wedding party issues, it detracts from the excitement of planning...not so fun!

First off, I do not think that because fiance has X number of members in his party you need to have the same, especially if it means that you are having people in your wedding party simply for the sake of having the same numbers. There are ways around it as far as ceremony goes: have the ushers and Best Man up front at the ceremony and MOH, BMs walk in on their own and then have them exit the church post ceremony single file or at a ratio that works (e.g. 2 men:1 woman).

As for your MOH, maybe she''s feeling some jealousy or distance from you since you are getting married. Make a phone date with her, ask if she has anything she needs to discuss with you, then give her a date by which she needs to let you know whether or not you can count on her to be part of the wedding and stick to it.

I would make a dinner date with your estranged BM, as her the same question and then give her the same date.

Last but not least...enjoy your planning. Good luck to you.

 

[fabcrab]

Hi KimberlyH,

Thank you so so much for your reply it has totally made my day . I haven''t thought of the bridesmaids walking on their own sounds and it sounds like a really great idea. The thing is, I actually made a phone date with my MOH a couple of weeks ago and she did not honor it. I really wanted to discuss stuff with her seriously and she blew me off 10 minutes into the conversation. In fact she even put me on hold to pick up the other line. It''s really really difficult because I don''t want to lose her as a friend and dropping her from being the MOH will mean just that.

I''ll definately be asking the estranged bridesmaid whether or not she is up for the responsibility. The funny thing is I''m actually really low maintenance--like I told them I don''t want any showers or bachelorette parties since making it on the wedding day is difficult enough with their schedules. I''m just really scared of having to drop anyone from the wedding party and leaving a sour taste in my mouth with planning the wedding.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree. My DH had 4 groomsmen and I had 3 bridemaids. I don''t think there is anything wrong with having uneven sides. You should pick the peope who are important to you vs. you think should be in or to even things off. Your friend sounds so unsupportive. I can''t believe she asked you to change your dress color! How rude. This is your wedding. It is such an important time in your life and you don''t need the extra stress she is giving you. I also totally agree that the older women get the harder it is to make close female friends (until you start having kids is my theory). I am glad you finally posted because this board has such great ideas and is so supportive.

 

[Mara]

I agree there isn't a problem with uneven sides....I had 5 and 4 guys and I just had the maid and matron of honor walk in together with the best man (flanking him). there is always a way to get around or make uneven sides work out. but quite honestly think about whether you really want any bridesmaids, from the sound of it, both are giving you issues (is there a 3rd one?)...and you really should be making progress with the planning, not stuck in quagmire because of two recalcitrant maids. in reality you don't need to have maids esp if they are going to just cause stress for you. would the wedding be any 'less' without them? just something to think about. anyway, i agree re: having frank convos and giving a date to both saying this is when you have to tell me if you are in or out. but really why other people have their own issues is no problem or concern of yours IMO...you have a wedding to plan, you can't be playing dr. phil to other people.

I guess maids can help out a lot in general, but I really did most of the wedding stuff on my own, it was just easier that way since I knew what *I* wanted and just wanted to get it done with relatively little fuss. The gals did the bridal shower, and kind of a small bach party (lowkey) and then helped me out a bit on site but in reality it was mostly me and 2 of my other friends helped out immensely on site. In the end YOU just make it work as the bride. And don't let anyone else's bad attitude kill your wedding spirit. It's your wedding!

 

[fabcrab]

Thank you ladies for the kind words

. Yeah I definately won''t let the concept of uneven sides stress me out. I guess it brings out some of my insecurities a little bit since it highlights that I have less friends or whatever. Mara, I do have two other bridesmaids apart from the two really difficult ones (4 total). A part of me feels somewhat rejected/ignored. I feel really disappointed that those I considered as really good friends didn''t rise up to the occasion. I mean I don''t want them to be really giddy about the wedding I just need some enthusiasm and support.

Tacori, I totally agree. I didn''t have problems forming relationships with girls at a high school level but I just had a rude awakening in college since partying and socializing is not as high up in priority as getting good grades. Yeah, I thought it was really rude too when she asked to change the colors and it wasn''t even like phrased as a "You might want to consider pink because it might look better" or something.


Mara, I didn''t even notice from the pictures you had uneven sides. You had such a wonderful wedding by the way Gosh I feel like such a stalker being in hiding for a couple of months lol.

 

[Mara]

thanks fabcrab...it was a fun time!! yes i had 5 girls and 4 guys and i figured doing the 2 gals walking in with the 1 guy was a nice way to show honor to all 3 of them being 'bests' (maid of honor, best man, matron of honor).

would you consider doing just the other 2 gals as maids if the other two aren't forthcoming? you could double up the guys on the girls then!! aka 2 girls to one guy. they'd love that i'm sure.

some of my best 'adult' friendships came after college and you are getting married quite young (by today's standards) so maybe you are heading up to that as well.

also i know what you mean about feeling like others should be more excited. one of my friends who was a best friend from a while ago, but we aren't as close now just due to life, was my matron of honor (i felt kind of obligated as i was hers for her wedding) and she was totally checked out of it the whole time. my maid of honor was totally frustrated with her but what can you do? i didn't take it personally because that's just how she is, and i didn't want to confront her either or give her an ultimatum, so i just let her kind of be out of it and the other girls took care of stuff. i think my maid of honor wanted me to say something to the matron about her largely non-participatory role, but i just was not willing to go there, i mean who wants to associate their wedding with having to confront an old best friend, esp when you know the relationship has changed?? in the end it worked out fine anyway. we still talk but not as much as she has a child now and lives an hour away from me but i am happy she was at least there for the wedding and an important time in my life. i think in the end it always works out somehow! hang in there.

 

[fabcrab]

Mara, I love the idea of doubling up I mean it''s nice to realize that it''s not the end of the world if the two bridesmaid backs out at the last minute. I''m so happy you can relate with my situation and I would really hate this time to be a huge confrontation/falling out. Weddings seem to just bring the best and worst of people and being the first person to get married in my circle of friends doesn''t exactly help a whole lot.

It''s totally the whole obligation thing and I kind of feel sick that I regret asking them in the first place. I just can''t wait until this planning is over lol--it''s like a zoo at times. Gosh you have really good advice...are you sure you''re not Dr. Phil''s internet alter-ego? haha actually you''re better than him.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My brother (the extra GM) walked my mom down the aisle and then took his place in line so it looked even in the processional. Otherwise I like when the BM walk alone and the GM are standing with your FI.

 

[fabcrab]

UPDATE: I finally talked to the troublesome MOH and she was quite the brat on the phone. She told me she doesn''t know where to get measured and she keeps insisting on measuring herself. The problem is she doesn''t have a car and she said she''s incapable of buying a measuring tape so she wants me to mail her a measuring tape (I''m in a different state). I am seriously this close to cutting her out of my life forever

. Any suggestions on what I should do?

 

[Christa]

Date: 9/3/2006 4:04:02 PM
Author: fabcrab
UPDATE: I finally talked to the troublesome MOH and she was quite the brat on the phone. She told me she doesn''t know where to get measured and she keeps insisting on measuring herself. The problem is she doesn''t have a car and she said she''s incapable of buying a measuring tape so she wants me to mail her a measuring tape (I''m in a different state). I am seriously this close to cutting her out of my life forever

. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Cutting her out of your life forever might be a little harsh, but is it possible she''s kind of looking for a way out? I''d be gently upfront with her: "It seems like you have a lot on your plate right now, so if being in the wedding is too much, I understand." Having her out would probably be less stress on you than what you have now.

Is there a law that you have to have bridesmaids and groomsmen at all? What if you fiance found some other way to involve his brother and friends and you and he stand up alone? Just because it''s the way it''s usually done doesn''t necessarily mean it''s the way you have to do it.

 

[budgetbride]

I agree with Christa.

 

[fabcrab]

Yeah, I agree cutting her out of my life forever is a little extreme but I was just really really mad earlier. I''m going to call her next week so I have some time to cool down and don''t do anything irrational if she really wants to be in the wedding.

Thanks Christa for your advice

 

[Christa]

That sounds like a good plan. Let us know how it goes!

 

[fabcrab]

Hi guys

Update!!

I gave my MOH until yesterday to get me her measurements and she didn''t call. A part of me is really disappointed but I''m also relieved that huge load was lifted off my shoulder.

As for the other bridesmaid, I think she was going through a moody period since school just started. She is amazing and really supportive.