Fights

[Incognito]

OK,
I need some insight from those of you in the weddding planning process. My fiance and I have dated for almost three years now. We have gotten along beautifully until this point. We have even gotten through an accident that almost took my fiance''s life and bounced back stronger than ever. He is my best friend and I love him so much. I never would have thought I would be worried about this. It seems like since the planning has started we fight CONSTANTLY!!!!!!!!!!! Its about stupid stuff too. Does this happen to other people? Should I be worried? I know we have both been worried about these arguments and how we will deal with other issues in life. We resolve the arguments but, it is just getting old. We agreed to take a week off wedding planning and not even talk about it. So far, things are ok. Please tell me if weddings cause people to be grouchy!

 

[diamondfan]

I always say that weddings bring out the band in some people. It is sad but true. It is smart to take a break and calm things down. Can you sort of pinpoint why you are fighting? (is it when you are tired? or he is? is it about who gets to pick stuff, or costs?) I think as a parent, you pick your battles. this holds true in this process as well...if he wants something and you don''t, decide how important it is to have it. can you compromise? Maybe if you nail down WHAT is at issue or at the core of these spats, you can work toward resolving them. But, even though it has been over 16 years for me since I did it, I recall a fair bit of fighting back then!!

 

[TravelingGal]

My cousin and I were talking about this today...

How is it that people are fine, then get engaged, then break it off? I''ve been wondering about this (as it happened to my cousin). When people get engaged, maybe they realize "this is it" and anaylze things more, which leads to more freak out and arguments?

I think what you are thinking is normal...you are in the final stretch of your singlehood and about to get into married life, and you are looking at arguments that may have not bothered you before you were engaged and now wondering how you will handle bumps in your maried life. I am going through the same thing (although none of it wedding planning related), so at least I can say you are not alone.

As for wedding planning...I had a happily married man tell me that the smartest thing a couple can do is have a VERY short engagement. Plan and plan quickly...like ripping off a bandaid. He thought if it was a short engagement, it was less time to get into fights and less time to over analyze things. I had to laugh, but I gues there''s some truth in it.

We are planning a wedding in 6 months, and pretty much the bulk of it is done...but then again, I don''t care for much in my wedding, which is probably helping. I research, consult with him, get his OK, then commit to whatever it is in question. Easy.

 

[San Diego Bride]

i feel your pain. wedding planning is a stressful time. i think part of the problem is that the planning seems to be all-consuming. so many things remind you about wedding details and you end up talking about it all the time. the relationship goes through this big shift where it seems like the focus is on a day instead of a lifetime. i think that''s particularly difficult for a guy who probably won''t even remember what the centerpieces looked like! i agree with TravelingGal... a short engagement is nice. if you''re stuck with a long engagement then i would suggest having at least one wedding planning free day a week. my friends did it. it helped keep them sane.

good luck!

 

[LizzieC]

Weddings = grouchy? Absolutely... for me at least. Esp. at the beginning, I would get super irritable. It''s just a very stressful time! For me it is mostly the fact that I''ve done every single bit of planning myself. No one has helped me. Especially not my fiance... and his inability to do anything wedding related really reallly makes me mad. Fortunately we are having a super short engagement... just about 6 months. I agree that that''s the best idea. I can''t imagine prolonging the agony any longer than that. I guess our biggest prob. is that the whole reason we''re having an actual wedding with guests is because my FI''s family wanted it. I wanted just him and me on an island somewhere. So it really irks me that I''m essentially planning a wedding FOR HIM, and he''s not helping AT ALL.

BUT, when we''re not doing anything wedding related we''re a-ok, so that''s the good news. If the problems are just wedding based then I think you''ll be fine once the wedding is over. If the stress is getting to you, I say delegate, delegate, delegate. I haven''t done enough/any of that, and I think doing so would have really helped me maintain my sanity.

 

[Mara]

heheh i think the reason we didn't fight at all over the wedding is because he didn't do anything for it really...and wasn't involved beyond the whole 'yes lets get married in hawaii' idea that we both loved. he's not into logistics or details at all. i just told him what i wanted and he said sure, even down to what the guys would wear...suggested the gift for the groomsmen (tommy bahamas shirts), etc. he is totally hands-off with stuff like that and so he could care less about the 'party' that happens when we got married. also we got married in a destination so it was alot more 'fun' i think than the typical local wedding, it was surely alot less stressful with planning and all that. his parents/family are not local either so there was no interference with the in-laws or anything like that or what they had to have or what they wanted. it was just all about what we wanted to do so it worked out. i guess we got lucky!

 

[Tybee]

Oh yes,

It happens! For us (we NEVER really fought before) but now I seem to be picking fights with him about things that aren''t really, but are somewhat wedding related. Poor guy, I''ve been so irritated with him lately for shallow things, like not meeting me at the gym, or not working out all week. We dubbed this our YEAR OF HEALTH AND FITNESS, but I still can''t seem to get him off the couch.

I think there is a tick-tock sort of stop-watch feel about being engaged, things start happening really fast, and we find ourselves rushing around to get them done. It surely brings out the worst in people. Luckily, there are those moments of clarity, when you can look over at your fiance and assure yourself, that yes, he''s the one, we''re doing all this crazy stuff for a reason.

 

[Lorelei]

My DH and I hardly ever fight but we had a doozy a couple of months before we were due to marry - all over the invitations! It got very nasty and I cried for days. Both of us are stubborn and both believed we were right, looking back now it was a silly thing for us to get so upset over, we can laugh about it now. I think it happens during wedding planning. This was a long time ago and I don''t know what it is, but it doesn''t seem to be unusual. Take regular breaks from it when you can and just have fun as a couple. Best of luck!

 

[sydneycasandra]

I''m pretty sure that if my FI has to hear me moan and groan one more time about how I can''t find any jewelry that I like (er, that I can afford), he''s probably going to want to kill ME. And if he doesn''t call and start asking his non-RSVPing friends if they are coming, then I will want to kill HIM.

But you know why we''re going to kill each other? Because we both want to make sure that we have a lovely wedding day and stress runs high when you''re planning a (hopefully!) once in a lifetime event. It''s bound to get tense, there are many long-held dreams at stake here (mostly for the bride) and the groom knows there are many expectations of him, and if other things go wrong that aren''t his fault he is likely to bear the brunt of it anyway.

It''s really a recipe for disaster... but if you make it through, it''s bound to be great! Good luck honey!

 

[FireGoddess]

We did fight about wedding stuff quite a bit, although not nearly as much as if he had been actively involved with everything! It was more about invites and cultural things and his responsibilities (that I had assigned and that weren't getting done!). It was a stressful time though, especially as we were paying for everything, so sure - fights broke out alot! We just tried to calm ourselves down and realize the day was about US and not all this stupid stuff! That seemed to help.

 

[curlygirl]

Ah yes, the stress of planning a wedding--I don''t miss it at all!!! My husband and I NEVER fought until we started wedding planning. I think it''s mostly because we were paying for it ourselves, he was not very helpful and I''m an overachiever/perfectionist! I would wake up in the morning and start babbling about flowers and he just couldn''t deal with it. We had to adopt "wedding free Wednesdays" in order to have one day without any talk about it!

We didn''t have big blowouts really, just lots of little stupid spats about ridiculous stuff. And we both knew it was because of the wedding. Sure enough, 2 days after the wedding as we were sitting on the beach in Miami, he looked at me and said, "you''re back". And it''s true! It was like a huge burden was off my shoulders and I was able to relax again and enjoy my relationship! Apparently, he could physically see the change in me and my personality and was thrilled to have the non-wedding-obsessed girl back! It''s all very natural so don''t worry too much about it! And make sure to enjoy your actual wedding when it happens. That was the one thing I promised myself--no matter how much stress there was before that day, I had the BEST time at my wedding and wish I could do it all over again. But I''d let someone else plan it!!

 

[FD21Bride]

My FI and I have never fought as much as we have since we''ve been engaged. I think that it''s just because of all the stressors from his family and your family and each other because everyone has a different idea about how the day should be. Just remember to appologize to each other and remember that the day is about what you and your groom want...not (like in my case) what your FMIL thinks would be best!

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, so I''m curious...why does it end up being such an argumentive affair sometimes? Do you...

A) want him to do *his* share
B) want it your way and want his nose out of it
or
C) want him to do his share, and when he does, it''s not your way.

 

[LizzieC]

Well I guess it's very different for everyone, but clearly for me it is: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/1/2006 11:10:41 PM
Author: TravelingGal
OK, so I''m curious...why does it end up being such an argumentive affair sometimes? Do you...

A) want him to do *his* share
B) want it your way and want his nose out of it
or
C) want him to do his share, and when he does, it''s not your way.

TG, you forgot D...

D) want him to do his share, give him responsibilities...and he doesn''t get them done

 

[TravelingGal]

LOL, I did too.

 

[amyg]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 93px">Date: 5/2/2006 1:57:54 AM
Author: FireGoddess

TG, you forgot D...

D) want him to do his share, give him responsibilities...and he doesn''t get them done

I''m definitely for D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it''s really frustrating when you need him to get addresses or ask his groomsmen to be in the wedding, or to plan the honeymoon, and he just puts it off....especially since our engagement is only 2 months, and we are down to 2 months now!!!!!!!!!! He''s getting better though...but we have taken several evenings and said, ok no wedding talk tonight, and that really helps us remember why we''re getting married...

 

[eks6426]

I think the flighting during the wedding planning process is normal. There''s so many decisions to make and so many "ideals" that both parties have in their heads. When you''re wedding planning, you''re not "business as usual." I also don''t know too many guys who care about the details the way the girls do so the guys tend to get tired of talking/listening to wedding details all the time. You''re also dealing with a lot of family expectations/input which makes things worse.Also, the final evaluation of the relationship comes to play.

I think the idea of a short engagment is good. When I got married the first time I had a longer engagement of over a year. We fought a lot and it was not a good start to our marriage. With my 2nd marriage we had a 4 month engagement. We were too busy to fight. We sat down and agreed on the chores, then split the list. And then tried to stay out of each other''s list as much as possible (very hard for me!) but it mostly worked. We had a few disagreements--mostly about his slowness at getting stuff done vs. my "I just want it done" attitude. Our wedding was perfect, we were both happy with all of it and I wouldn''t change a thing.

 

[nytemist]

Option D is definately our issue right now-

Me: Did you schedule our appt. with the officiant?
Him: No (he''s been ''getting around to it'' for a month and a half)


Me: Have you set up the meetings with the two photographers yet?
Him: No. But we have time. (Sure! OF COURSE it''s easy to find an affordable photographer 6 months before the wedding!)

Me: Did you find your passport and update it yet?
Him: No, that should only take a a couple of weeks to get the renewed one (Sure, in a post- 9/11, ultra-security world)

To stop the bickering, I just continue doing what''s on my list of tasks. He''s not 5 so I shouldn''t need to keep reminding him what''s on his list. He''ll snap to it the day something should have been done and he forgot or hadn''t bothered yet. I also told him hey, if you don''t want to help or give your input, don''t whine and b*itch when you get to the ceremony and don''t like any decorations or the food.

 

[snow_happy]

Hi incognito --

My FI and I (who rarely fought prior to getting engaged) started snipping about stupid things and fighting about every other day right after we got engaged. We weren''t planning the wedding but maybe the underlying issue is the same. The fighting got really bad and escalated to a screaming/crying freak out thing after which resolved to keep communication totally open. Things were OK after that but both of us were still scared we would fall back into the fighting pattern. It just happen to be that after a few months of that we did a thing called the Landmark Forum and it totally opened up communication for us...specifically, the difference between what happened and our own interpretation of what happened. There were times I thought he was being an ass so I told him my interpretation and how the situation occurred to me, and he also shared how it occured to him. I saw that how he saw the situation, it made sense the way he reacted...and, that in actuality, he wasn''t being an ass but just reacting to what HE saw. Also, because of the whole what happened vs. interpretation, I''ve been able to relax more and let things go (not have things get so personal and drag with me for weeks).

I think some people do a similar thing with Encounter through the church but neither FI and I are religious people. It''s funny, when I was doing Landmark I met this girl in my class who was there because her boyfriend was totally anti-marriage and then after doing the Landmark Forum totally had this renewed love and appreciation for her and wanted to propose!

Anyhow, good luck in your situation and I think communication, open and non-reactive, is crucial in a stressful time of change (like committing to spend the rest of your life with someone!)

 

[amyg]

That''s really funny NY...I think we may be marrying the same man...LOL...

 

[nytemist]

I love him to pieces but sometimes I look at him and want to just scream. And he won''t get it.

I totally believe there is a ''just tell me where to show up'' gene.