family goals!

[cocolaw]

I don''t know what the point of this post is, other than that I think I have a better chance of following through with my goal if it is in writing! My goal is never to say a negative thing about my FMIL to my fiance.

My MIL is not a very happy person. She makes underhanded and negative comments to me all the time (dumb stuff for ex when nobody is around telling me that she doesn''t like my cocktail napkins, or that i shouldn''t gain anymore weight). She came to visit my family last weekend and my mom and grandmother noticed the dr. jekel/mr hyde transformation when my fiance and her husband were around. We went to a luncheon and she trashed talked the host''s home, and all of the guests (my moms best friends). Whenever we tell her about our ideas or decisions for the wedding, she always finds something negative to say.

I know that telling my fiance will only end up hurting our relationship, and EVENTUALLY he will see her true colors. Also, this is my future family so it is inappropriate for me to say bad things about her.

So this is my goal. I do not care how nasty and critical my fmil is to me, I will only respond with sweetness and my fiance will not hear a negative word from me. Any family goals of your own?

 

[Diva0413]

Like you, I going to try not to speak negatively about my FSIL. She too is a miserable person. She never liked me when FI and I started dating 4 years ago and use to call me names like gold-digger, airhead, and a whore. She nitpicks on everything, even down to my e-ring. She calls it rinky dink (spelling?) says my diamond should''ve been a pendant. Sheesh...

Anyway, she started being marginally nice to me when it was time to pick BMs, but I couldn''t bring myself to put her in my bridal party. She has a tendency to also be take-overish and I was really afraid that she''d go around me and change stuff for my wedding. So instead, I offered her a reading to do during the ceremony. So she''s not very happy with FI and I right now. She calls everyday telling FI to "be a man" and demand that I put her in the wedding. But he won''t because he sees her for who she is. And now she''s calling saying that because she''s not in the bridal party, the least we can do is pay for a suite for her on the premises. Sigh...

So, my goal is to be nice, put it all behind me and not talk bad about her. Boy, this is going to be difficult.

 

[princesss]

Can I play even though BF and I aren''t engaged?

I''m working really hard at not being negative about his sister to any member of his family. It''s hard when I''ve heard BF, his mother, his father, his other sister and his grandmother say things about her, but I work really hard at keeping my mouth shut. She''s incredibly self-cetered and negative, and has been a complete brat to me. I was bullied through middle school and parts of high school, and I recognize the stupid **** she pulls trying to get under my skin, and I''m trying really hard to be zen about it all. So no matter how negative and mean she is to me or about me, I refuse to say anything about it until she is downright nasty to my face (and it''s really only a matter of time, she''s starting to slip), and then I will defend myself and nothing more. No insults, no nothing.

And yet, despite all this, she''s already pushing to try to be a bridesmaid when we eventually get married. Yeah freaking right.

 

[Dannielle]

I applaud you..

FI and I cannot keep anything to ourselves, if FI''s family does something to upset me I always end up telling FI and vice versa- we both just cop it on the chin. We both try and stay respectful though, no name calling or derogatory comments, because really, that is never neccessary

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/19/2009 9:25:08 AM
Author: Dannielle
I applaud you..

FI and I cannot keep anything to ourselves, if FI''s family does something to upset me I always end up telling FI and vice versa- we both just cop it on the chin. We both try and stay respectful though, no name calling or derogatory comments, because really, that is never neccessary

I''ll tell BF if something happens that upsets me, but I draw the line at being negative about *her*, you know? So I''m free to say, "I''m really upset because A did x, y, or z." But I''m not free to say, "I can''t believe what a #@$&@#*$ your sister is!" (Even though it''s what I''m thinking.)

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 8/19/2009 9:32:29 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 8/19/2009 9:25:08 AM
Author: Dannielle
I applaud you..

FI and I cannot keep anything to ourselves, if FI''s family does something to upset me I always end up telling FI and vice versa- we both just cop it on the chin. We both try and stay respectful though, no name calling or derogatory comments, because really, that is never neccessary

I''ll tell BF if something happens that upsets me, but I draw the line at being negative about *her*, you know? So I''m free to say, ''I''m really upset because A did x, y, or z.'' But I''m not free to say, ''I can''t believe what a #@$&@#*$ your sister is!'' (Even though it''s what I''m thinking.)

Thats exactly what we try and do.. Try being the key word there

FI only ever gets really heated and a little nasty when talking about my stepmother, but she is a real piece of work so I don''t mind.

 

[decodelighted]

Uh, good luck with that.

 

[minx714]

Just like you coco, I have a goal to be less vocal about my future father-in-law. He''s just awful, spiteful, and hatefilled, and actually has a drinking problem too. FI family all talk about him. And even though I am going to be family, I never say anything about him myself. FI has taken to really talk down about him to me. While I usually agree with what he''s saying, I try to not add a bunch to it. It''s reeeeeaallly hard not too.

 

[cocolaw]

i like these goals! because really-talking negatively about fiance''s family does nothing for our relationship. in fact, this might be fmil''s way of trying to get in between us (she did call each of us individually once and say that she had "mothers intuition" that fiance and i were having problems...which of course we weren''t...i know that the only reason she did that was to try to get between us). staying positive!!!!!

 

[charbie]

Date: 8/19/2009 9:40:15 AM
Author: decodelighted
Uh, good luck with that.

Seriously! I have such a hard time not talking about my FFIL. He makes me crazy. He is lazy, annoying, and just a downright weird guy. He makes the strangest comments and tries to be funny but I just don''t get it. He doesn''t make a whole lot of money and can''t afford a lot of the stuff we have, but makes negative comments about things we do have that are way out of his league.
Whew. Got that off my chest.
FI knows all of this about his dad, but often will just shrug it off and says it just who he is. I get it, and try to get along when he is around, which isn''t too often fortunately!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Mine is a little different. I''ve known fi for what seems like forever but have only gotten to know his family since last may when we started dating. My goal is to create closer relationships with his side of the family.

 

[tyty333]

Wow, I have to give you guys a lot of credit! My way to "deal" with these kind of misserable folks
is to feel sorry for them (that they are such misserable people). This helps to keep me from taking
things so personally.

My MIL (who is not a misserable person) always blames everything on someone else even when she
caused the issue. It use to really bother me getting blamed for things I didnt do or didnt have any
thing to do with. Now, I do stand up for myself but not in a mean way (basically I just state the facts).
No emotions involved. To keep from feeling resentful towards her I feel sorry for her that
she feels the need to blame other people (must be insecurity issues on her part). Or, I feel sorry that in
her mind she isnt quite in touch with reality (she is getting up there in years). This has helped me to just
accept her the way that she is instead of hating her for having to be her scape goat.

But if I had to deal with some of the mean, nasty and manipulative folks some of you guys have to deal
with I might be pulling my hair out. So kudos to you guys for being so mature about it!

 

[Winslet]

I have a family goal for just between now and the wedding - my FMIL has been driving me absolutely insane because she''s been stressing me out over wedding-related things that wouldn''t even matter to me if she hadn''t brought them up.

After a full month of having a giant knot in my stomach because I was getting worked up over NOTHING important, I promised myself (and FI) that I would limit talking to her as much as possible until the wedding. I realize that a lot of these stupid stressors have to do with nerves for her, and I think she''ll stop being so crazy once the wedding is over.

 

[minx714]

Date: 8/19/2009 10:12:11 AM
Author: charbie

Date: 8/19/2009 9:40:15 AM
Author: decodelighted
Uh, good luck with that.

Seriously! I have such a hard time not talking about my FFIL. He makes me crazy. He is lazy, annoying, and just a downright weird guy. He makes the strangest comments and tries to be funny but I just don''t get it. He doesn''t make a whole lot of money and can''t afford a lot of the stuff we have, but makes negative comments about things we do have that are way out of his league.
Whew. Got that off my chest.
FI knows all of this about his dad, but often will just shrug it off and says it just who he is. I get it, and try to get along when he is around, which isn''t too often fortunately!

Wow charbie, do we have the same FFIL?? I''m so sorry to hear that you have to deal with the same thing I do. It''s sometimes unbearable to be at their house. Thankfully for me, they live in Conneticut so I only see them 3 or so times a year.

 

[trillionaire]

I love FI''s family, they are amazing and I really feel genuinely blessed to be joining their family! My goal is to foster a closer relationship with FI''s brother and sister-in-law. We get along fine when we do chat, I just want to be a more regular part of their lives, which is hard from 3,000 miles away!

I need to make an effort, maybe just talking once a month or every 6 weeks.

His family also defaults to calling BIL''s and SIL''s ''brother'' and ''sister''... which I am not totally comfortable with, because I have both a brother and sister, and I don''t feel the same way about my BIL or SIL as I do about my siblings... Not to be a brat, I just don''t. I think I could, and I also think I should just man up and go with it as a way of fostering closeness, so I''m working on it.

Other than that, I want to always have wonderful and positive things to say about FI publicly. Not that I ever criticize him publicly, but I have said somethings in family situations that probably could have gone unsaid (typical women lamenting their lazy hubbies type stuff, as part of female bonding). I don''t ever want to do that, not even teasing or as a joke. I''d prefer to tell everyone how wonderful he is (which is true) and address any minor laments with him directly and privately.


So, those are my goals!

 

[Lanie]

Date: 8/19/2009 2:03:50 PM
Author: trillionaire
I love FI's family, they are amazing and I really feel genuinely blessed to be joining their family! My goal is to foster a closer relationship with FI's brother and sister-in-law. We get along fine when we do chat, I just want to be a more regular part of their lives, which is hard from 3,000 miles away!

I need to make an effort, maybe just talking once a month or every 6 weeks.

His family also defaults to calling BIL's and SIL's 'brother' and 'sister'... which I am not totally comfortable with, because I have both a brother and sister, and I don't feel the same way about my BIL or SIL as I do about my siblings... Not to be a brat, I just don't. I think I could, and I also think I should just man up and go with it as a way of fostering closeness, so I'm working on it.

Other than that, I want to always have wonderful and positive things to say about FI publicly. Not that I ever criticize him publicly, but I have said somethings in family situations that probably could have gone unsaid (typical women lamenting their lazy hubbies type stuff, as part of female bonding). I don't ever want to do that, not even teasing or as a joke. I'd prefer to tell everyone how wonderful he is (which is true) and address any minor laments with him directly and privately.


So, those are my goals!

Trillionaire...this struck a chord with me. My MIL would love it if I called her mom. I will never call her that. I have one mom, and that's it. She has called me her daughter multiple times. I can understand where she's coming from, but I'm not her daughter. At the end of any phone conversation I have with her, she always says "I love you!" and I never know what to say. I'm just not comfortable with that, so am I supposed to just give in and say it back? Why should I have to do that? ARGH!!!

 

[Winslet]

Date: 8/19/2009 3:49:34 PM
Author: At the end of any phone conversation I have with her, she always says 'I love you!' and I never know what to say. I'm just not comfortable with that, so am I supposed to just give in and say it back? Why should I have to do that? ARGH!!!

AARHH!!! I know this all too well!! But, as much as it pains me whenever my FMIL says it (and I'll always quickly and awkwardly say it back), I almost find it hurts a lot more when she doesn't say it because I've done something to annoy or upset her!

 

[charbie]

Date: 8/19/2009 11:47:13 AM
Author: minx714

Date: 8/19/2009 10:12:11 AM
Author: charbie

Date: 8/19/2009 9:40:15 AM
Author: decodelighted
Uh, good luck with that.

Seriously! I have such a hard time not talking about my FFIL. He makes me crazy. He is lazy, annoying, and just a downright weird guy. He makes the strangest comments and tries to be funny but I just don''t get it. He doesn''t make a whole lot of money and can''t afford a lot of the stuff we have, but makes negative comments about things we do have that are way out of his league.
Whew. Got that off my chest.
FI knows all of this about his dad, but often will just shrug it off and says it just who he is. I get it, and try to get along when he is around, which isn''t too often fortunately!

Wow charbie, do we have the same FFIL?? I''m so sorry to hear that you have to deal with the same thing I do. It''s sometimes unbearable to be at their house. Thankfully for me, they live in Conneticut so I only see them 3 or so times a year.

LUCKY!

Isn''t it weird?!! He''s the kind of guy you''ll see at the really busy park with his shirt off playing frisbee. Or asking about every single ingredient in each item at a restaurant, and then getting a burger. Or the time we bought nice paint for the house, but not the top of the line and he said he wouldn''t help because the stuff we bought is "crap." AAAAHHHHHHHHH!

 

[charbie]

Sorry, but I just re-read these posts, and it is like a support group on this thread. It is making me just crack up and die laughing!!!! Do we have crazy families that we are marrying into or WHAT?! And now it totally makes me wonder all of the crazy things FI must think about my family.

I already know he thinks I am too emotionally dependent on my mother and talk to her too often. He makes statements about my family being crazy, always in a joking manner, but I wonder what he really thinks! Hahaha!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/19/2009 3:49:34 PM
Author: Lanie

Date: 8/19/2009 2:03:50 PM
Author: trillionaire
I love FI''s family, they are amazing and I really feel genuinely blessed to be joining their family! My goal is to foster a closer relationship with FI''s brother and sister-in-law. We get along fine when we do chat, I just want to be a more regular part of their lives, which is hard from 3,000 miles away!

I need to make an effort, maybe just talking once a month or every 6 weeks.

His family also defaults to calling BIL''s and SIL''s ''brother'' and ''sister''... which I am not totally comfortable with, because I have both a brother and sister, and I don''t feel the same way about my BIL or SIL as I do about my siblings... Not to be a brat, I just don''t. I think I could, and I also think I should just man up and go with it as a way of fostering closeness, so I''m working on it.

Other than that, I want to always have wonderful and positive things to say about FI publicly. Not that I ever criticize him publicly, but I have said somethings in family situations that probably could have gone unsaid (typical women lamenting their lazy hubbies type stuff, as part of female bonding). I don''t ever want to do that, not even teasing or as a joke. I''d prefer to tell everyone how wonderful he is (which is true) and address any minor laments with him directly and privately.


So, those are my goals!

Trillionaire...this struck a chord with me. My MIL would love it if I called her mom. I will never call her that. I have one mom, and that''s it. She has called me her daughter multiple times. I can understand where she''s coming from, but I''m not her daughter. At the end of any phone conversation I have with her, she always says ''I love you!'' and I never know what to say. I''m just not comfortable with that, so am I supposed to just give in and say it back? Why should I have to do that? ARGH!!!

I''m with you Lanie!

FMIL says ''I love you'', and would love to go by mom... but once again, I''m not sure how I feel about it. (and I''m definitely not the type to tell everyone I know "I love you"!) FI''s mom is french/creole, so I''m thinking of calling her ''maman'', the french/creole for mom? It''s very similiar, but distinct and different, and I think it could also feel unique and personal for her? I dunno. I don''t even know what his dad wants to be called, let alone my own dad! My mom interchangeably calls FI son and SIL/FSIL, so honestly, I''m starting to think that I should just be happy that everyone gets along, is happy and LIKES one another, since being on PS has reminded me that this does not have to be the case.

Sigh. We''ve only been engaged for a month. We have no wedding date. Baby steps.