Family drama

[DMBFiredancer]

I''ve been pretty drama free during the whole planning process until now.
FI has a niece (5 years old) and 2 nephews (3 and 2 yrs.)
We have said from the beginning that we do not want kids at the reception. Many of our friends who have kids are getting a babysitter (one couple is even flying out a babysitter to stay with them so that can even come to the afterparty)

The 5 year old niece is the flowergirl and the 3 year old nephew is the ringbearer. I asked them long ago out of respect to his family to have them involved somehow. Well, my FI has been at it with his sister about him not wanting them at the reception, even though they are in the wedding. I tried to explain that its kind of rude to have them IN the wedding and then not the reception, but he is pretty firm on wanting NO kids there. (I think the main reason is that his mom watches those kids ALOT - she is basically like a nanny to them because the mom and dad work late hours. My FI said he wants his parents to enjoy his wedding and not have to worry about taking care of kids)

He folded a bit and suggested that maybe they find a babysitter for the 2 youngest ones and just let the 5 year old come but they have insisted on bringing all 3 to the reception.

Ok, so I can deal with that....it''s family...sure, the kids may be a pain to have there, but I dont like to mess with family. So, I am cool with whatever. I''m easy like Sunday morning...

But, my FI is livid. He is so mad that he has insisted that I seat his sister at the furthest table from us.
(its a small wedding - 70 people - so they are not THAT far away - but still...)

My issue is that I fear that his parents will think that it is ME who is causing this. I also fear that it is disrespectful to his sister to have her sit so far away from his mom and dad.

BUT...my FI did request no kids at the reception.

What''s your take?
Hell yeah its ok to seat her far away...?
or
No, you really should have her seated closer with the family
or
Dont get involved - its HIS family issue, not yours.

 

[House Cat]

Can you or the sister possibly hire a baby sitter to be at the wedding?

We have SO many children attending our wedding. We are going to hire an event nanny for that reason. I''m not suggesting that you go that far, but maybe just hire a regular baby sitter to watch over the few young ones that will be attending so there is no more strife?

 

[Prana]

Does your FI have any underlying business with this sister? It seems like he is awfully mad for something that is not really that big of a deal.... I understand where he is coming from because I do NOT want any kids at our wedding, but my FI wants his 3 and 4 year old nieces there (I''m still pretty adamant that they will not be there, they are also not in our wedding). I would, however, never sit his family far away from everyone and everything. I think that I might hire a babysitter to be available for the times that your FI is most worried about. I understand that they are in the wedding, but if I were a parent, I would want someone to come pick them up after the ceremony so that I could enjoy the reception without screaming kids.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

We''re inviting all the nieces and nephews in the wedding to the reception, they were the only kids "allowed". I didn''t know what proper etiquette was, but I thought it''d be kind of mean not to let them come to the reception since they were buying dresses and getting dressed up to be in our wedding.

It is a little strange that he''s so upset over this, I would have thought it was the norm to allow children in the wedding to come to the reception, even if it is adult only (unless it was a midnight reception). But correct me if I''m wrong.

 

[Prana]

I agree with you MTG. If I were having kids in my ceremony, they would definitely be at the reception as well, regardless of who liked it. I do think that it would be awkward for the kids parents to have to send their kids off if that''s not what they want to do. Especially if dresses have been purchased and all that.

As I said before though, if I were a parent with a young child in a wedding, I would have someone pick them up shortly after the reception started so that they wouldnt turn into cranky little people halfway through the reception, thus, making me miserable too.

I would talk to your FI about it to try and uncover why he is so mad about it.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

I am starting to think there is more to this, too. He said something yesterday about his sister always being the center of attention and always getting her way and he was tired of it. Maybe he feels like this is HIS day and he doesnt want the kids to still be the center of his parents'' attention? (As they always are whenever we are over there)

Deeper issues to try to uncover...stay tuned

 

[Prana]

For him to be this upset, there has to be something deeper. Maybe he has been living with secret jealousy issues regarding his sister and her kids. (Maybe a long shot, but you never know?) Now that it''s his wedding day, he wants everything to be nice and perfect. Or maybe it bothers him a lot that his parents are being treated as nannys, as you said, and he doesn''t want his parents to be preoccupied with watching kids all night (I know that you already mentioned this as well). He may not be overtly ''jealous'', so to speak, but maybe just fed up?

 

[Haven]

I think it isn''t very nice to ask children to participate in the ceremony but not allow them at the reception. It does sound like there are some underlying issues there, hope you don''t get pulled into anything too messy, DMB!

If it were me, I''d insist that the kids be invited to the wedding reception.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

Thanks for your support guys....Ive been trying to stay out of it, but I dont think I can anymore. I certainly dont want his family to think that it is ME who is causing all this.
I am going to bring it up to FI today that I think the kids should definitely be there. I also think they should sit with his parents, near us. To me, having them at a further table would only draw questions from guests like "Why is his own sister so far away and not at the family table?"

Or, do people not even notice these things?

 

[decodelighted]

Yeaaaaaah. Listen: this is totally deeper. And I get it. He doesn't want the spotlight stolen from the two of you by a bunch of adorable tots. And he doesn't want his parents preoccupied with the kids during a night that is about YOU GUYS. Its a valid fear!

He may not even realize that's why he's being so obstinate about it ... maybe if you help him figure it out & validate his right to feel that way you can make some progress with it.

I'd hire a babysitter for the reception & have a "kids table" off to the side. Sit the sister & her husband near his parents ... but the kids far away. She's welcome to "visit" them over there -- but keep those kids FAR away from his parents & HIM. You guys really shouldn't have to share the spotlight - no matter how cute & beloved these kids are. Its obviously a sore subject with him right now.


ETA: I should mention that people move around a lot during the night at a reception. People switch tables & socialize and mingle etc -- no one is going to be paying undue attention to who is where. If the sister wants to scoot off & visit the kids table a lot, so what? As long as she has a "place" at the parents table to go back to occaisionally, all good?

 

[Prana]

Have you ever noticed anything weird in his and his sisters relationship? Were they very competitive growing up? Did the parents promote and maybe even create competition between him and his siblings? (I''m not talking about sports competition, I''m talking about competition for love, respect, attention etc., even on a minimal level). Does he feel like his sister will purposely attempt to use her kids to take his parents attention away from the two of you?

I''ve seen things and situations like this before, and I''m wondering if maybe he grew up in that kind of household. It doesn''t necessarily have to be malicious or even intentional on the parents part, but sometimes sibling relationships are strained because of things like that. Do his parents compare him to others or to his other siblings/family members?

 

[swimmer]

Date: 7/10/2009 1:21:22 PM
Author: decodelighted
Yeaaaaaah. Listen: this is totally deeper. And I get it. He doesn''t want the spotlight stolen from the two of you by a bunch of adorable tots. And he doesn''t want his parents preoccupied with the kids during a night that is about YOU GUYS. Its a valid fear!


He may not even realize that''s why he''s being so obstinate about it ... maybe if you help him figure it out & validate his right to feel that way you can make some progress with it.


I''d hire a babysitter for the reception & have a ''kids table'' off to the side. Sit the sister & her husband near his parents ... but the kids far away. She''s welcome to ''visit'' them over there -- but keep those kids FAR away from his parents & HIM. You guys really shouldn''t have to share the spotlight - no matter how cute & beloved these kids are. Its obviously a sore subject with him right now.



ETA: I should mention that people move around a lot during the night at a reception. People switch tables & socialize and mingle etc -- no one is going to be paying undue attention to who is where. If the sister wants to scoot off & visit the kids table a lot, so what? As long as she has a ''place'' at the parents table to go back to occaisionally, all good?

Deco nailed it. The night should be about your marriage and melding of families...can you talk to your FSIL? It is important that your FMIL and FFIL get to participate in the reception as more than babysitters.

 

[lala2332]

i think you can 100% insist no children at an evening reception, esp. since other people are not bringing their children. The fact that they are in the wedding makes it a litlte sticky, b/c the parent''s would have to take them home between the two. Where is your reception? that may make the difference, or if you really don''t want children at the reception, then maybe not have them in the wedding. They could always participate in the rehersal and that dinner, and then just not in teh actual wedding, so that the children don''t get their feelings hurt....its not their fault.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 7/10/2009 12:48:57 PM
Author: DMBFiredancer
I am starting to think there is more to this, too. He said something yesterday about his sister always being the center of attention and always getting her way and he was tired of it. Maybe he feels like this is HIS day and he doesnt want the kids to still be the center of his parents'' attention? (As they always are whenever we are over there)

Deeper issues to try to uncover...stay tuned

Bingo! This is exactly what i was thinking. It''s more than just having her kids there, it''s more about her always getting her own way and it being all about the kids. My sister thinks the world revolves around her 3 kids and she expects me to include them in my bridal party, (i have 2 girls of my own and am having a wedding of 40 - 60 people, uh 5 flower girls? i think not!) oh yeah, and she refused to have kids at her own wedding.

So i can see where your FI is coming from, he might not be telling you the whole story about why but i''d bet it''s not about having the kids there, it''s more about the sister and her attitudes to everything.

 

[honey22]

IMO I don''t think your FI is being unreasonable. I don''t believe an evening reception is an appropriate place for a 5 year old anyway. It''s late and then should be in bed. The kids are not going to enjoy it anyway, they will likely be tired and grumpy after a long day with important jobs, and I think your FIs sister is being selfish insisting they come.

They should be no problem in them having a babysitter for the evening, that way your FI''s sister and mother can both relax and enjoy the reception, not looking after tired grizzly kids.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 7/10/2009 1:21:22 PM
Author: decodelighted
Yeaaaaaah. Listen: this is totally deeper. And I get it. He doesn''t want the spotlight stolen from the two of you by a bunch of adorable tots. And he doesn''t want his parents preoccupied with the kids during a night that is about YOU GUYS. Its a valid fear!


He may not even realize that''s why he''s being so obstinate about it ... maybe if you help him figure it out & validate his right to feel that way you can make some progress with it.


I''d hire a babysitter for the reception & have a ''kids table'' off to the side. Sit the sister & her husband near his parents ... but the kids far away. She''s welcome to ''visit'' them over there -- but keep those kids FAR away from his parents & HIM. You guys really shouldn''t have to share the spotlight - no matter how cute & beloved these kids are. Its obviously a sore subject with him right now.



ETA: I should mention that people move around a lot during the night at a reception. People switch tables & socialize and mingle etc -- no one is going to be paying undue attention to who is where. If the sister wants to scoot off & visit the kids table a lot, so what? As long as she has a ''place'' at the parents table to go back to occaisionally, all good?

My DH flew his nices from Wisconsin to Mexico to our DW, the kids were adorable, and even tought everybody wanted to huge and kiss the baby, at any moment I felt they were stolen my moment.

I think will be better if the kids are allowed to be at the wedding party, and baby sitter it''s not a bad idea at all

.

Don''t let this to ruin your relation ship with your new family.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 7/11/2009 5:00:55 AM
Author: honey22
IMO I don''t think your FI is being unreasonable. I don''t believe an evening reception is an appropriate place for a 5 year old anyway. It''s late and then should be in bed. The kids are not going to enjoy it anyway, they will likely be tired and grumpy after a long day with important jobs, and I think your FIs sister is being selfish insisting they come.


They should be no problem in them having a babysitter for the evening, that way your FI''s sister and mother can both relax and enjoy the reception, not looking after tired grizzly kids.

I will have to disagree here. He have my DH nices at the wedding,(We flew them from WI to Mexico) and we are talking that was a very late reception. The kids enjoyed it very much, the dance and played.

Of course it''s the decision of every couple if they wanted kids or not in the wedding. But if this will bring huge probems with her new family, why not let the kids been there, at least for a while.

 

[KimberlyH]

If they weren''t part of the wedding it would be much easier to say "no kids" but since they are I don''t think there''s a polite way to do that. I do think it''s a good idea to hire a babysitter and create a kids table/area for them to play at, and have a place for them to go if/when the kids get tired.

My nephew was 9 months old when my husband and I got married, he came to the ceremony (was our ring bearer) and then went back to my house and stayed with a sitter we''d hired for the night. My sister and BIL were thankful that they got to have a kid free night. Perhaps the sister would be more open to the idea of a babysitter if you provided one for her and framed it as them getting to relax.

In other words, what Deco said.