eloping vs wedding

[brazen_irish_hussy]

We have not put any money into the wedding yet and before we do I really do want to consider eloping. I don''t want to make a long post about what I should or should not do, I just want to hear what other people felt.
For people who considered it, why were you torn, which option did you take and looking back, would have made the same choice?

 

[surfgirl]

Well, if you look up my wedding photo thread, I think you''ll see the joy and overwhelming emotion of our elopement and how happy it was for us. I think one of the reasons we look so over the moon is because the day was 100% all about us and what we wanted for our wedding day. There was no aggrevation over anything trite. No squabbles over money or who''s paying for what. Nothing about who sits next to who or whether or not anyone got too drunk, etc. We could focus on us and the commitment we were making together and that was exactly what we wanted our wedding day to be. Plus, we are very private people and felt like the only people who needed to be there to hear our vows were each other. Plus, we were able to splurge on special accomodations since we weren''t footing the bill for a larger wedding. And we were able to send out really cool wedding announcements because again, we had saved so much in terms of not having a big or even a smaller wedding. It was perfect for us.

surfgirl''s elopement photo thread

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I wanted to elope.

When we got engaged, I pushed pretty hard for a Hawaiian or Caribbean elopement. I didn''t want to plan a wedding, I wasn''t even remotely interested in wedding dresses, cakes, invitations or flowers. My FI was a hard sell. He wanted for our families to be there and wanted something more traditional. We went back and forth for a few weeks and in the end I decided that if my FI wanted our families to be there, I should respect that. So we compromised and are having a very small, not-so-traditional wedding and he''s taken on a big chunk of the planning so I wouldn''t get stuck doing any of it on my own.

When things got stressful I would sometimes daydream about eloping, but now that our wedding is two weeks from today, I have to say that I''m really, really happy with what we''ve planned. I hate to sound like a Hallmark card, but I''m so glad we''re able to share something so meaningful with our closest family and in a way that really represents us.

I''m all for eloping, but can honestly say I''ve enjoyed doing this with my FI and am really glad we did this together.

So to answer your quesions, 1. I was torn because I didn''t want to plan a wedding and just wanted to have a nice, laid-back beach wedding (it had nothing to do with not wanting to include family, which is why some elope). 2. I took the option of having a small, laid-back beach wedding with family and 3. If I had to do it over again, I''d probably plan the exact same wedding, in the same location, with the same guests (minus FI''s aunt and uncle who''ve been a pain).

Do you think you want to elope, Brazen?

 

[basil]

I can totally understand why people elope. Fiance would have been OK with eloping.

But I''m pretty close to my family and they really love opportunities to get together, and I''ve they''ve always been there for my big occasions (birthdays, graduations, etc.) My parents were immediately excited about having a wedding. I''ll be 29 when I get married, so not particularly young, but since it''s once in a lifetime, I figured I''d make those around me happy, too. There''ll be enough alone time in the rest of our lives.

 

[surfgirl]

I should also add that I think it makes a difference depending on how old you are, etc. For example, it''s mor difficult if you''re an only child or the first to get married, for people to elope because of family expectations. We were both older and had a long established relationship so people were just thrilled for us whether we eloped or not. It wasn''t seen as weird or anyting like that.

That said, I also wanted to say that I personally dont feel like I missed out on any aspect of a traditional wedding because I basically planned a "mini wedding" for the two of us. It had all the elements of a wedding, just without the guests...

 

[Pandora II]

I considered it quite a lot.

First of all because it seemed a ridiculous amount of $ to spend on one day.

Second, I thought it would suit FI and I better. We''re both quite introverted people who like each other''s company.

My parents weren''t happy at all. My father showed me the bank account he opened for my wedding when I was a year old - and I realised just how much it meant to him. My mother felt I would look back and regret not having done the big wedding thing.

However, I must admit I''m having a lot of fun planning.

FI isn''t that into the marriage idea (messy parental divorce etc) , but realised he cared less about not than I cared about getting married - and he loves me to be happy. I think a big wedding might make him a bit more into the ''marriage'' thing - nothing like saying those words in front of a load of people...

 

[Haven]

Brazen--We were just engaged on Saturday and I was definitely thinking about eloping, that is until my mother said "You know, there is no way we are going to let the two of you sneak off to get married and break all of our hearts." I love the idea of throwing a big celebration in honor of our marriage, but I love the idea of doing it after we''ve been married for a bit--one year, two perhaps. That seems like the time to really celebrate, once we''ve been at it for a while.

However, like Pandora, it means a lot to both of our families to share in this joy with us, so we''re going to do a traditional wedding in our hometown of Chicago. Both our families have had an especially difficult year (deaths of close family members, terminal illness diagnoses, etc) that I think our families are even more excited to have something joyous to look forward to.

I''m also the oldest of four girls, and if that''s not pressure to throw a big wedding, I don''t know what it.

The bottom line, though, is that a part of me is really excited to have a big wedding, too, so this is also a great option for us. I think that as long as you are happy with your choice, it will be the right choice.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[zoebartlett]

My FI and I taked about it and my parents basically offered to pay for our honeymoon if we chose to elope. It wasn''t that my family didn''t want to be there but my parents knew that paying for the honeymoon would be considerably less than paying for our wedding. I''m not sure how serious they were with that offer though. If we HAD taken them up on it, I''m not sure if they really would have been okay with that.

Neither my FI nor I are fans of being in the spotlight, so at first we decided to have a very small wedding (~60 people). Now, we''ve pretty much doubled the guest list and our wedding is certainly turning out to be more traditional than we had originally planned. So far though, things have been going pretty well regarding planning.

I''ll let you know after our wedding next summer if we did the right thing by having a more traditional wedding. So far, so good, and I''m happy that we''re going to share the day with family and friends.

 

[labbielove]

I understand your dilemma. We considered eloping. I am 39, fi is 42, and it''s the first marriage for both of us.
And of course, there is the money issue.

However, fi looked at me and said - ''you know- don''t we want our family and friends around us?That doesn''t seem like us'' and that was it.

So, we''re having a fairly traditional wedding, but did go out of the way to simplify it somewhat. Having only my 3 sisters as bms, and limiting it to 75 guests (45 of which are my immediate family). This ticked off a lot of people, i''m sure. My mom passed away in April and one thing it did was make us realize how precious the people in our lives are. Our marriage won''t exist in a vacuum, and there will be times in our life we will need support from other folks, we wanted to include the people we know will be there for us.

We are getting married next weekend, and even as I sit here panicking about getting things to the printer on time for programs, placecards,etc. I am so happy we are doing this this way. With that said, both our families are low drama, low maintenance, so it''s been easy to deal with everyone. Not sure I could handle it if I had a control freak fmil or mom, family that weren''t speaking,etc.

 

[littlelysser]

I got married two weeks ago...and I am so glad we did it the way we did. We wouldn't have done it any other way!

We got married in our friends' backyard, about 55 people, super casual and just wonderful. We had a backyard BBQ wedding and it was perfect. I can honestly say it was one of the most fun days I've ever had!

We considered eloping, but realized that we wanted our closest friends and family to be there with us...so we did it our way...from start to finish!

I understand wanting to elope and wanting to avoid spending a ton of money on one day...I really really do...but there is definitely an in-between...

We kept it relatively cheap and had a day we'll never forget!

 

[Steel]

Hi BIH,

DH and I eloped. We spoke at length to DH''s parents to be sure that they were OK not having a wedding to go to and they were very supportive. So we eloped and had 0 family and 0 friends at the church. We did not have a reception. We are very happy with that decision in retrospect and felt it was intimate.

It became clear after we wed that his family had lied to us and complained bitterly to all and sundry that they were not invited to the wedding.

It seems that a wedding can be more important than the bride and groom.

For me I am still happy, I do not have contact with my MIL or FIL but I expect that was inevitable, we just expedited it allowing them to show their true colours for me sooner rather than later.

Sorry for the long story, what I mean is:

Elope if you want to. I felt it was very romantic and personal. I also felt it was very spiritual and unencumbered by extravagances. Just us committing. I would make the same choice in the morning...... But perhaps I would have liked a reception, I would have liked to have a wedding cake; the one with the little bride and groom.

Awh.
Best of luck, I''m sure you will be happy together whatever you choose. Your wedding day may be beautiful but it is that, just one day. It is the marriage that is important. Don’t stress the little things.

 

[firebirdgold]

We eloped with our families and loved it! We had a destination wedding at a Hawaiian resort and only our immediate (parents, siblings and siblings-in-law) family were invited. I can't imagine a better time or an easier wedding. I can't recommend it enough!!

We felt that a wedding was about us getting married. The essence was our commitment to each other and the joining of our two families. We wanted a beautiful and spiritual ceremony without having to worry about making other people happy. No fusses over bridesmaids, no hurt feelings, no extend family squabbles, no pre-wedding coordination disasters, no problems at all!

We went snorkeling the morning before the wedding! 20 minutes before the wedding DH was in a hot tub!! The whole experience was relaxed, stress-free, and extremely happy. The theme of the day was joy.

Plus I still got all the little wedding rituals that mattered to me: the beautiful dress, the bouquet, the pretty stationary (announcements), and the wedding cake. I never once felt like I gave anything up.

So many times I read BIW's posts about the woes of wedding planning and I'm grateful yet again for having our semi-elopement. I have never once wished we had a more traditional wedding.

While we were still figuring out what the heck we were doing with our wedding, there was a thread on PS about what 5 (3?) things mattered most to you about your wedding. It was really helpful to us to get our priorities straight. (and yes a wedding cake was a priority for me)

Good luck!

ETA: I should add that it was easier for us to elope because both of our sisters had gotten married that year. His sister had a big traditional wedding and my sister had parties on two coasts. We figured they'd done the pretty by our respective extended families for us. If you see what I mean.

EYATA: Also this summer (after our wedding) we went and visited his grandparents and my grandmother.

 

[Picos]

I dont like weddings. :p

Seriously, to me it''s a great big party and I''ve never liked parties except for surprise parties (I like surprises).

That and there''s the family issue; maybe we''re being chicken but it''s just easier and more peacefull to elope. I have an unmarried older sister, eveyone would hate me if I married before her, blah, blah.

So, unless someone is going to throw us a surprise wedding this winter; we''re eloping!

 

[whenharrymetsally]

OOh I most definitely wanted to elope! FI and I are a little older..he''s 36 and I''m 34. Over the 8 years we have been together, we have been in numerous wedding parties and been involved with many many of our friends weddings. I have seen what they all went through when they were planning their wedding and i always wanted to elope and get married on the beach by the water just the two of us! unfortunately, from the moment we told our parents we were engaged..it was alll over... We both felt guilty not to give them they wedding they wanted. FI is the oldest son of the oldest son..and is the ONLY son on his Mom and Dad''s side of the family (that''s a pretty big thing in chinsese culture). I am the oldest daugther and the first grandaughter to get married on my side..and when we saw the looks on their faces...we didnt have to heart to do it. So now, we''re having this big hoopla wedding..which i can say its 80% for our parents...but we''re stuck with the bill! The scary thing is we are doing all of this without a budget and we''re just winging it! My compromise is that for our 5 or 10yr anniversary, we will renew our vows they way I wanted to get married! just the two of us, maybe a few close friends on the beach in the carribbean!

If it is at all possible and it is what both the Bride and Groom want..i say go for it and elope! But..in all fairness..everybody i''ve talked to have all said the big wedding was worth it..i think it just all depends on personal preference and what the couple really wants to do.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/15/2007 1:47:24 PM
Author: labbielove
I understand your dilemma. We considered eloping. I am 39, fi is 42, and it''s the first marriage for both of us.
And of course, there is the money issue.

However, fi looked at me and said - ''you know- don''t we want our family and friends around us?That doesn''t seem like us'' and that was it.

So, we''re having a fairly traditional wedding, but did go out of the way to simplify it somewhat. Having only my 3 sisters as bms, and limiting it to 75 guests (45 of which are my immediate family). This ticked off a lot of people, i''m sure. My mom passed away in April and one thing it did was make us realize how precious the people in our lives are. Our marriage won''t exist in a vacuum, and there will be times in our life we will need support from other folks, we wanted to include the people we know will be there for us.

We are getting married next weekend, and even as I sit here panicking about getting things to the printer on time for programs, placecards,etc. I am so happy we are doing this this way. With that said, both our families are low drama, low maintenance, so it''s been easy to deal with everyone. Not sure I could handle it if I had a control freak fmil or mom, family that weren''t speaking,etc.

My concerns about a wedding and my experiences in doing one very much mirrored Labbie''s.

I, too, was an older bride (almost 39) and felt a bit silly doing an elaborate wedding, so I initially leaned a lot more toward elopement. Also, it''s just not us to spend a ton of money for ONE day.

Hubby''s reply: "when I married the first time, we did it at city hall, and it didn''t feel like something special/monumental happened. It felt like getting a driver''s license or renewing registration on the car. It should feel more special than that, and I think that you''ll WANT something more special than that." Boy, was he right.

I listened to him....and we had a wedding. But NOT a huge elaborate affair. Totally agree with Little L....there is an extremely wide middle ground between the whole nine-yard and elopement. Ours was immediate family and a handful of intimate friends only.....29 total including us.

It was intimate, magical, and BEYOND my dreams. I wish it could do it again. There isn''t a single solitary thing I''d change about that day. Only after the fact did I realize what we''d have missed out on by eloping.

Like Labbie, I think it was SO easy and stress-free because our families were really laid back and not demanding.

What I find most wonderful in reading this thread....most folks came to the right solution for them by introspection and listening to what felt right for each of them....and that''s led to no regrets regardless of path. I think that''s where your answer really lies.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I really thought about it, but I decided that even though it feels like they all hate/dislike each other, it is important to me that my/his family be there to witness our wedding. I''d like to have the parents involved in any grandchildren''s lives, and not inviting them to the wedding would have been a bad way to kick that off.

I also just wasn''t ready to hurt that many people''s feelings, I guess. We''re already having a pretty small wedding, with maybe only 10-15 people that *we* aren''t intimate with but our parents are. They would have all been pretty hurt.

 

[poptart]

We sort of eloped and also had a traditional wedding and ceremony with our family. If I had to go back and choose just one, I would choose the elopement. And here''s why: I hated all the planning, stressing, wondering about flowers and colors and dresses that were only going to be used for one day. I felt that took away from the whole point of a wedding... which is the marriage, not the style of your cake topper. When we officially got married there were only 6 people, including us, so it was very low key. We got to wear comfortable clothes, and then spend the day having fun and not worrying about the reception or anything like that. It was a lot less stressful than the ceremony where lots of people were staring at me (eep!), we had to make rounds to talk to everyone... make sure we didn''t miss anyone... It just wasn''t my cup of tea. However, on the elopement front, my family was sad that they couldn''t see the initial wedding, but we made it up to them with the big ceremony a month later. Maybe if you get the opportunity to do both, like elope and then do a vow renewal on your first anniversary, you could get the best of both worlds.

*M*

 

[lyra]

We had a very small wedding, less than 60 people. I think eloping is very romantic. Whatever you decide, it should be based on what the two of you want, not on the expectations of family and friends. On the practical side, you could have an awesome honeymoon or put a downpayment on a house with the money you would have used for a wedding. I guess I''m just more of a private person.

 

[happilyeverafter]

We had (and still do) want to do a destination wedding (or possibly elope) but it can''t happen. My grama can''t travel much anymore, and a touristy afar wedding would be too much for her. But she is so special to me that I couldn''t NOT have her at the wedding, so we are having a VERY TINY wedding here, with 24 guests (immediate family and 3 friend couples). We are still doing the wedding and reception but cutting out all the parts we dont enjoy - like a customized wedding. I get the dress and pics and invites but don''t have the annoying (for me) visiting with 100 people that I don''t much care about, or the garter/bouquet toss, etc. It will be probably 6 hours total (including pics inbetween) and then we think we''ll maybe go to a movie! Very laid back.

However, I am already stressed and tired of making decisions. If I could change to an elopement or DW today and give up the deposit for the photograher I would in a heartbeat. If it wasn''t for grama we would have already for sure.