Did you tell your ex about yr engagement?

[Independent Gal]

If you have an ex-boyfriend you''re still friendly with, did you call and tell him when you got engaged, like one does with other friends? Or let him hear it through the grape vine? What do people do?

Only just thought of this potential awkwardness because I just realized I should tell an old admirer who''s a good chum of mine that i''m serious with someone! And we never even dated! (see my thread in ''hangout'')

I''m now particularly thrown because the actual ex I''m still friendly with wanted me to marry HIM and I said no.

Ouch!

So, should he be on my call list? Or on the ''grapevine list''?

 

[neatfreak]

I left them all on the grapevine list. But if I had been really close with any of them, I would have called. But we''re just "friendly" and since I don''t talk to them regularly, I felt it wasn''t necessary to call.

 

[AmberWaves]

One of them wouldn''t leave me alone, so I told him. And then he asked to be invited to the wedding, and I quote, "I think it would be very healing to watch you get married." The other one called me and said he heard from my Dad (!!!) and that he was happy for me.

 

[musey]

I didn't really "tell" very many people at all. I called my parents, emailed four of my closest friends, and let everyone else find out through the grapevine.

Some people would consider that rude, I guess... but I'm of the mind that if your "need to know" circle is very very small, then there won't be many (if any) people offended to not be on it. Besides, I sort of don't get the necessity of "announcing" engagement/wedding plans to those not directly involved (contributing, participating, attending). I only "announce" those things to the same people I'd announce the arrival of a new pet, or being promoted, or having a baby. Again, not a large group

 

[Pandora II]

Okay - I am very bad

I went out with a guy in Italy for 2 years+ who I was never "in love" with, but who I was fond of. Sadly he was crazy about me and used to propose about 2x a week. The + time was when I was back in the UK and we weren't exactly seeing each other, but hadn't split up either sort of thing.

Anyhow, I dumped him when I met FI, although we stayed in touch a bit. I rang him when I got engaged. Then, when FI and I went to Tuscany for a wedding last month, I told him we were coming over. He not only invited us both to stay at his house, but drove all the way to Pisa to pick us up (3hr round trip).

FI doesn't speak Italian and he doesn't speak english so it was quite interesting! He wanted to know if he was invited to the wedding - answer: no, but I'll send you some pics!

Basically it depends on your relationship with both the ex and FI. My FI is totally laid back about it - vaguely interested in knowing about my past I think. I was slightly worried how ex would take it, but he loves me enough to want me happy and said he was over the moon that I was truly happy, sorry it wasn't him, but thought I'd made an excellent choice. (Great guy - but not for me)

 

[laine]

I might get a mutual friend to tell him privately, that way you skip the awkwardness of having to tell him, but he also doesn''t end up in any awkward situation where everyone assumes he knows and he doesn''t.

 

[labbielove]

well, i''m not friendly with him, but i know he heard thru the grapevine.

also when i ran into him at the store a couple of months ago i''m sure he saw the bling,

i didn''t feel compelled to verbalize it to him when i saw him, because I know he knew already, and why state the obvious.

amber''s ex saying "it would be very healing to watch you get married" sounds like my ex- only a real winner could possibly make even someone else''s wedding about THEM (thus, the reason he''s my ex!)

 

[gailrmv]

I had 3 serious exes before the DH. (We met quite young). Two of the exes I''m still friends with to this day and I invited them to the wedding (one came with his then-FI, the other did not but later invited me to his wedding!) The third I have lost touch with. I''d say if they are still in your life in any significant way, tell them yourself, if not, let the grapevine handle it!

 

[basil]

I had 3 "real" exes. #1 was from college - I correspond with him by email every few months, so I told him the next time I emailed him. He was surprised, but congratulated me.

#2 was from later college, sort of an intense relationship, and I carried a torch for him long after we were together. We had a sort of unspoken rule to not talk about our current love lives, but I knew from his MySpace page he''s had a girlfriend for a few years now. I emailed him about a month after we were engaged. He never replied. A few months later I emailed again, still no reply. I guess he doesn''t want to communicate anymore now that he knows for sure I''m no longer interested? Whatever.

#3 was from earlier grad school. Broke up with him shortly before I started dating fiance. He actually scared me a little when we broke up, and had quite a temper, so I cut off all contact at that time. Obviously, I didn''t tell him. I am still a little scared what would happen if he found out.

 

[candctroll]

FH proposed on the 23rd of December and my ex actually called a couple hours later to wish us and my parents a Merry Christmas. It was kinda eerie but we are all friends and he is invited to the wedding.

 

[NewUser]

I think you should ask yourself why you hang onto all these relationships with men who wanted you but you didn''t want them when you say you are serious with a new guy.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/22/2007 10:24:10 AM
Author: NewUser
I think you should ask yourself why you hang onto all these relationships with men who wanted you but you didn''t want them when you say you are serious with a new guy.

Not sure who this was aimed at, but my answer is that if I date someone for a considerable amount of time, just because we split up doesn''t mean I stop caring about them - just care in a different way.

I am secure enough with my FI that I can easily and openly talk to and see my exes and vice versa. I''ve had dinner with some of his. Wasn''t a problem - everyone has a past.

 

[Independent Gal]

Ditto what Pandora says! What''s the big deal? Unless, of course, it makes one''s current love uncomfortable. I''m very sensitive to my future FI on this, and am careful to ask where his boundaries are. He sure tells me! And when he does I absolutely respect them. But if it doesn''t bug him that my long ago Ex and I catch up on each others'' news every few months, then great! Wouldn''t bug me if he did the same either.

It may not work for some people to actually be active friends with an ex, sure. But honestly? If someone hates or actively avoids ALL their ex''s, that raises a red flag for me. It suggests a lot of anger, bitterness, inability to resolve conflict.

Of course, sometimes someone is just a horrible jerk or does something terrible. I have an ex like that whom I would just as soon never hear from or of as long as I live. But if a couple splits because it just isn''t working, or circumstance gets in the way, then
why should they hate or avoid each other after some time has passed?

 

[rainbowtrout]

To quote SATC, "We keep all our old dresses, but we throw away our old boyfriends!"

It doesn''t make any sense not to keep in passing touch or be friends with someone just because you didn''t marry them...

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/22/2007 10:24:10 AM
Author: NewUser
I think you should ask yourself why you hang onto all these relationships with men who wanted you but you didn't want them when you say you are serious with a new guy.

I would tell him but not invite him to the wedding.

 

[Independent Gal]

Personally, I would NEVER invite any of my ex''s to the wedding! That would definitely be crossing the boundary for me and my FF. My friend from the ''Hangout'' thread really is just that, a friend. There was never romance between us despite his feelings. And so FF is comfy with that. But I''m 100% sure he would NOT be comfy with my inviting an ex to the wedding. And frankly? I wouldn''t like any of HIS ex''s to come to the wedding either!

Catching up with ex''s now and then is one thing. I think it''s a nice and healthy thing and am totally comfy (as is FF) with us dong this with ex''s. But no invites to the wedding!

I thought it over and decided not to include the ex I''m friendly with in my ''tell personally'' list when I get engaged.

I''m feeling a little sensitive about the issue of ''who you let know'' about major life events at the moment because I found out that one of my good friends is pregnant, but I didn''t find out from her. I was so hurt that she didn''t call and tell me. She''s 4.5 months, so not like she''s in the danger zone! But she''s going through a lot, so I''m cutting her lots of slack! But it still hurt and so that made me think about who I ought to tell when I get engaged. I wouldn''t want anyone to be offended that I didn''t ''think'' to call and let them know about something so important.

But on relfection, this ex isn''t a ''close enough'' pal that I would call him. I''d mention it next time we happen to e-mail, but won''t go out of my way to let him know. He''ll likely hear through the grapevine before that!

Thanks for the advice guys! So often, listening to others'' experiences and trying to formulate our own thoughts coherently is all we need to know what''s best to do. Thank you PS''ers for providing a good space to do that.