Combining finances before or after getting married?

[peonygirl]

It looks like my DF and I will be moving together May 1st, and we''re debating about whether to combine finances at that point or wait until we get married. He really wants to combine money, but I''m a little hesitant only because it seems like then nothing will change after we get married if we already share a condo and bank accounts. Perhaps I''m just being silly though, who knows? What are ya''ll doing?

 

[Selkie]

My FI and I have lived together for...(counting on fingers)...over three years, now, and haven''t really begun to consolidate our finances yet. Both of us came with some serious debt load, and have been working independently on reducing that before trying to mesh everything. Even after we get married, though, we might do what SDL''s friends do, with 3 separate accounts. It''s easier that way for us because we already have our own bank accounts set up, with direct deposit and online bill-paying and the like, that will be a HUGE headache to change. Like she said, it''s a matter of personal comfort. My FI and I are both very independent, but we trust each other, and don''t see anything wrong with not sharing everything (financially) as long as we take care of the important things equitably.

 

[curlygirl]

It''s definitely a personal choice but we still haven''t combined our finances. We lived together for 6 months before getting married and we''re still doing the same thing as we did then--splitting the bills! We have separate accounts but right after our wedding, we opened a joint account so we could deposit all of our wedding $$ there. For now, we''re both comfortable this way. We''re in our mid-thirties and incredibly independent financially so it''s just what we''re used to. Who knows what will happen down the road but for now, it works for us to keep it separate.

 

[Tybee]

This is funny, because we''re talking about this today. We''ve lived together for 3 years, getting married this July.
As it is, we have separate accounts, but we use them as if they''re combined. We split costs according to what we bring in.
Right now we''re talking about budgeting for a house, how much each of us should put in based on our income.
We are trying to budget it out in a way that makes it so we have equal "personal" spending amounts after all
has been combined and spent. Thank goodness for spread sheets!

I was VERY nervous about combining, and I''m not sure why. I guess I wanted some autonomy. In the end we both benefit from our combined account. It''s easier to keep track of spending etc. I am becoming less and less nervous about it now, though.

I think it''s a very personal decision, though, and money is a tough subject, the number one subject that couples fight over, so I would really stress sharing all concerns with your SO. Be open and honest and do what makes you comfortable.

 

[lmurden]

Me and my fiancé have not combined finances yet but will do so two weeks before the wedding but will always have our own separate accounts. Take the plunge, but do discuss your individual spending habits. Maybe the two of you should make a budget of all of your bills plus spending money. That’s a good start. Also you two should agree not to spend more than $200 out of the joint account without notifying each other. When you set all of this up have 10% or whatever amount automatically go into you personally savings account and then the rest into a joint account. Hope this helps. Good luck.

 

[Mara]

Never combine...

It''s been hard for us to think about combining, we are both so used to doing our own thing....so we''ll see....sometimes we talk about it but we may just do a joint account for all household expenses and then just keep our own other accounts...as long as our savings goals are met and bills are paid then for us it doesn''t really seem like we need to combine. Esp since fights and disagreements over money are supposedly a top reason for divorce. It''s almost like why make it more difficult than it needs to be? If it works out for you now then why change anything? If it ends up needing to be changed then I''d address it then.

 

[icekid]

My fiance and I have already done so. I think it''s really up to you and what is most convenient in your situation. I am in school, and thus not making any money... so it''s tough for me to pay bills

We''ve lived together for a couple years now, and it works for us.

Is it wrong though that my name is on his account, but his name is not on mine...???

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/12/2006 3:39:24 AM
Author: SanDiegoLady

I have a girlfriend who is married however, in her ealy mid 20''s.. they still pay for things separately and have three accounts.. one for each of them and one joint. This after four years of marriage.. I think its silly, but that''s just me.

I don''t think anything is silly as long as it keeps couples from fighting about money.

Whatever works.

 

[midgirl]

I always want to know that I have control over my own money. We live together and split bills and when we go places alone we pay for ourselves. When we go places together we usually spend 20 minutes saying I will pay, no I will pay-it is actually funny!

When I get married I think I will keep my own account, that is just me.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

We lived together for 6 months prior to our wedding and didn''t combine accounts until right before we got married. Just didn''t see the need to do so, just as we were not each other''s beneficiaries or "next of kin" until we got married. Now we have mostly joint accounts (we each have a small separate fund for fun stuff), and we hardly fight about money. Whatever makes you feel the most comfortable!

 

[flopkins]

we have three accounts, but the joint one doesn''t really have any money in it yet... I keep putting it off because I don''t want to switch to wells fargo (joint acct is held there) and I love bank of america. I know that just sounds silly but I''m so used to using BOA that I really don''t want to switch... plus I think BOA is better..

FI keeps asking me when we are going to combine but I keep telling him... whenever he switches his direct deposit... I''ll switch mine...

We plan on keeping three accts, the shared one for all the bills etc... and separate for our ''play'' money...

I''m really not opposed to the whole sharing thing, I just loathe the prospect of dealing w/all the logsitics of changing accounts. Ugh! I feel icky just typing about it! I''m such a lazy bum.

 

[akw94]

Well, right now we have separate accounts but don''t live together. We''re moving in together and buying a place at the same time this summer. Then, we''ll create a joint account for household finances. Once married, we''ll join everything. We originally talked and he wanted a joint account + our own separate accounts. That''s what he had in his previous marriage. I didn''t agree and didn''t see the need, as long as we really talked about finances and kept things very open about spending and what we both feel ok with. Neither of us are big spenders or would buy something major w/o thinking it over and talking about it, so I didn''t feel the separate accounts were necessary. He has come to agree w/me or at least is ok w/doing it my way. I guess we''ll get a feel for it when we have the joint account once we live together. At that point, we''ll each transfer in a set amount of $ for bills, etc... based on our incomes and other expenses.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/12/2006 2:44:02 AM
Author:peonygirl
It looks like my DF and I will be moving together May 1st, and we're debating about whether to combine finances at that point or wait until we get married. He really wants to combine money, but I'm a little hesitant only because it seems like then nothing will change after we get married if we already share a condo and bank accounts. Perhaps I'm just being silly though, who knows? What are ya'll doing?

hey peonygirl

i didn't know we were moving in together

but,since you insist

i want separate accounts .i don't want to fight over money.

 

[gingerBcookie]

Date: 3/14/2006 12:26:27 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 3/12/2006 2:44:02 AM
Author:peonygirl
It looks like my DF and I will be moving together May 1st, and we''re debating about whether to combine finances at that point or wait until we get married. He really wants to combine money, but I''m a little hesitant only because it seems like then nothing will change after we get married if we already share a condo and bank accounts. Perhaps I''m just being silly though, who knows? What are ya''ll doing?

peonygirl

i didn''t know we were moving in together

but,since you insist

i want separate accounts .i don''t want to fight over money.

ROTFLMAO.....DF you crack me up!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Even when I was living with my ex I refused to combine finances until we were married or something. I''m not living with my current fiance until after the wedding so there''s no need to really combine finances until then either. I just would rather wait until it was certain that we were going to have a life together. If I had combined finances with my ex, it would just be a big mess of trouble when we broke up. Until you''re married, you have a bigger possibility of a break-up (I guess) and although it''s easier than a divorce it can still be a huge problem. I guess I just watch too much Judge Judy and People''s Court where people got completely screwed by their exes when they break up. If you really think about it, it can be trouble whether you''re married or not, but less people will think you''re dumb for combining finances if you are married. Not that I agree, it''s just what I''ve observed with a lot of people. It''s kind of belief dependent, I think. If you really believe that you have a solid future with the person, it doesn''t really matter if you''re married or not, you can combine finances. I personally need that little piece of paper for a little more security though.

We''ve talked about it and although we will have a joint account for bills and stuff, we will have our own seperate accounts as well for our personal stuff (like hobbies and toys that we want). This is just so he won''t have to fork over a lot of his hard earned money on my paints and canvases, my shoe fetish and my video/computer game fix (I''m such a junkie) and I won''t have to fork over mine on his fantasy football (that''s his only real hobby I think, but it can be pretty expensive) and his sweet tooth. But we''ll use our joint account for our gardening hobby and our saltwater hobby (corals and saltwater fish can be pretty pricey).

 

[selflove]

Peony--are you hesitant about combining money period, or just about combining money before you''re actually married?

 

[AChiOAlumna]

We held off from combining accounts until we got married, even though we were living together when engaged. Upon returning from the honeymoon and after changing my name legally, we combined the accounts. DH was initially hesitant, but knowing that he was handing the budget reins over to me, he made the leap and it''s been a great decision for us since.

 

[lilyinct]

We combined accounts about a month after we were engaged, which was perfect for me...NO MORE BILLS! Plus, it was much easier to put all that wedding cash into an already-joined account.

And we haven''t fought over money once!

 

[peonygirl]

selflove, just about combining money before we get married.

 

[selflove]

Then I think trust your gut. If you feel uncertain about combining before marriage, you will feel better about waiting. How romantic will it be to open up your new account after the wedding and deposit any monetary gifts that were given to you? Would your FI need more convincing that than?

 

[lili]

I''ve always opted for putting half of your income into a jointed account where you pay for all house and everyday expenses.
The other half goes into each one''s own personal savings where each is free is do whatever he/she wants with it.

 

[peonygirl]

Lili, what if people save very different amounts and one person has a lot more left for retirement? Or is that just a short-term solution while you''re engaged?

 

[Mara]

Date: 3/16/2006 10:13:33 PM
Author: peonygirl
Lili, what if people save very different amounts and one person has a lot more left for retirement? Or is that just a short-term solution while you''re engaged?

i would do another joint account where you make savings deposits for retirement, joint investments etc. the rest ''your own'' slush fund so that you can do your fun stuff with. this is what we talk about doing, aka doing the two joint accounts and then our own things, but we haven''t gotten around to it so part of it is like well why mess with it if it works now.

 

[snow_happy]

Hello

My FI and I were going to wait b/c of thw whole ordering checks with the new name, etc. hassle but after a year of living together (and making significantly different amounts of income), combining out finances has really worked for us. Now we feel more like a team rather than one person feels bad for never paying and the other person resentful for paying everything. I usually thought of my money as our money but he didn''t feel that way until it was officially in the same bank account. We planned on totally joining finances when we get married (right now both of us still have our indiv. accounts). My parents had separate bank accounts and it was not good for their relationship..same goes for other people''s parents that I have seen. I don''t have any substantial reason to keep a sep. account but like aldj said, it''s whatever works best for you

 

[JCJD]

We received a check from my dad to pay for the wedding and opened a new joint account for that $. It made it really easy to pay for the wedding from one account, and now we pay all our bills out of it. We each still have our own accounts so he doesn''t know how much I spent on his birthday present and vice versa, for example. We know approximately what is in each of our individual accounts too. Just what worked for us. Also, I''m in charge of balancing the checkbook while he enters all of our spenditures into Quicken, so we both have a handle of our joint finances.

RE: names on checks. A friend who is a bank teller told us that from a banking perspective, it''s just fine to cross out the old name and write in the new one, address too, until you run out of the old checks. As long as the name and address written on the check correspond with the name and address the bank has, not a problem.

 

[qtiekiki]

We combined the majority of our incomes before our wedding. It was easier for us to pay for the wedding. We still pay our bill out of one account, but also have individual accounts. It seems like that''s what most of us on PS do. The individual accounts are like fun money to spend on whatever we want.

 

[hoorray]

Date: 3/12/2006 3:19:37 PM
Author: Mara
Never combine...

It's been hard for us to think about combining, we are both so used to doing our own thing....so we'll see....sometimes we talk about it but we may just do a joint account for all household expenses and then just keep our own other accounts...as long as our savings goals are met and bills are paid then for us it doesn't really seem like we need to combine. Esp since fights and disagreements over money are supposedly a top reason for divorce. It's almost like why make it more difficult than it needs to be? If it works out for you now then why change anything? If it ends up needing to be changed then I'd address it then.

Five years ago, I would have written this post verbatim. We kept separate accounts for everything except shared household expenses for 16+ years. When we retired, (which happened without a lot of planning) we decided that we needed to combine everything. As we did that we found that if we had combined early on, we would have made much better financial decisions. (We invested separately, made separate decisions about almost everything, etc...) In hindsight, I really think it is the smarter financial move combine and have to manage the money decisions jointly as a whole. I really, really value my independence, and miss some of my spending freedom, but the reality is that I can still spend freely, he just sees what I spend now. That does tend to reign me in some, but I survive it.

 

[lili]

Peony,

There really is no real solution.
As others have said before, do what you feel is right and work best for you.
What worked for us is we first maxed out on our retirement.
Then we put a necessary percentage into the joint account for everyday expenses.
The remaining amount goes to our separate saving account.
Of course that doesn''t mean that the other can''t use our own personal saving account.
It just means that we are free to do with that account however we want (ie gifts for others or
ourselves).

 

[larussel03]

FI and I live together but have not combined finances...I make alot more than he does, but I also pay more of the bills so it's pretty even the 'hit' each of our bank accounts take from bills. Actually, it's not b/c I have alot in savings and he can't save, but that's all he'll let me do extra.

We comprimise, I'd never give it a second thought to give him money to help pay his car pmt or if a really good friend of his wanted to go away with him--these are luxuries I can afford but he cant always, so I"m willing to help him out. When we get married we prob wont have a joint account b/c he'll still be in school, but once he's out and working we will. It's a pride thing for him, until he's making good money he doesnt want a joint account b/c he's in his view "spending MY money" rather than his...I think once he makes a decent salary his view will change over to sharing though

 

[lilmaria]

We have separate accounts, but my money is his money and his is mine. We have access to both via debit cards/online/checks. We''ve been living together for 3.5 yrs already, so it makes sense to treat our money as if its one in the same. I like that we moved in together before we married b/c those fights that happen when ur getting to know one another are not pretty and I would''ve thought it was marriage that wasn''t pretty! We had some rough patches trying to get into a cohesive lifestyle where everything was in sync and we had to learn how to compromise! I suggest getting the hard stuff out of the way before hand so as to keep the marriage free from problems. Good luck with the move.