Cold feet? Or something else?

[nytemist]

The last two weekends I spent at my finace''s place have been very frustrating. I''ve started to bring my things over bit by bit so I won''t have to settle everything at once. I said to him back in June, I think, that he would eventually start cleaning and organizing his place so that my stuff has somewhere to go when I move in. I thought that made sense. Mind you, he''s been in his condo for over a year now. I realize that most men are not into colors, decorating or even basic neatness sometimes. But his place still looks like he just moved in- many unpacked boxes and stacks of movies and CD''s. It just isn''t organized, so when he looks for a bill he needs to pay for example (usually lost somewhere on the dining table) he gets so flustered because he can''t find it. This is when I suggested getting the place in order, even offering to help him do it. Of course he said no.

This past weekend I brought some of my heavier velvet dresses and some jackets, things I don''t need yet, to start hanging in the closet. I asked him beforehand if he could please move his big pile of clothing from in front of the closet door so I could get in it. I get to his place and nothing has moved. He then gets up in arms because he had to do it right then. It set the tone for the rest of the evening. I also brought some of my wrought iron pieces (wall sconces, candle holders, this great mirror, etc.) and he says why do I need them? Pretty much everything I own at my parents house he suddenly doesn''t want to make room for. He''s freaking out at the idea of rearranging furniture, since the cats won''t like it. The rate it''s going, we will do battle every night, or my things will end up in the storage unit. I said to him that I was feeling like I wasn''t being heard. I''m not trying to come in and feminize his place, but we do have to blend his stuff and my stuff. Just basic organization; if everything has a place you know where to find it. Am I crazy? I asked him, you don''t care if there is stuff that I trip over because it''s in the middle of the floor? Saturday I stumbled over his effects pedal for his guitar and really hurt my toe. He picks it up to make I didn''t do anything to it (gee thanks) I asked could he at least put it along the wall and he puts in near the wall and walks away. Once again, it wasn''t a good evening. He did finally did do some laundry and fold stuff and I said thank you, but he was still snippy about it.
Sunday he asked why did I feel the need to come in change everything around. I said I just want the place to make sense. I''m kind of a neat freak, but I can deal with things being kind of messy. I said to him if he''s so unwilling to listen and not ready to compromise or share his space, how is this going to work? Since then I''ve talked to him twice and I get one word answers. This has been the most a*****e behavior I''ve ever gotten from him.
My friend who is a BM in my wedding( just had her baby) said it was tough when she and her husband moved in. He even said as long as thing are always kept in the same place, he''s fine. My BM said maybe it''s cold feet since he now realizes how much his life is going to change, or he''s not really into this anymore. As much as it took to get here? I just want it to feel like a home.

Now what?

 

[sumbride]

First you have to get through to him that it''s not "HIS" place anymore. It''s "OUR" place. That means that you both get input on where stuff goes and what you need there. You shouldn''t have to justify it. If he sees it as you moving into his place, it''s going to be a constant battle. Does he own? Is there anyway you guys could find a new place together that will have only been an "our" place and not one or the other?

Getting anybody to pick up anything on your schedule instead of theirs is a challenge, but try not to see it as him not doing things for you. I can ask my FI 10 times to go through his mail on the table but that doesn''t make him do it. It has to suddenly bother him, then it gets done. Sometimes I just stack it up for him and throw it in a box but sometimes I go through it myself. (He doesn''t mind.)

He probably knows he''s being unreasonable. Be outlandish and suggest finding a big place for both of you and when he says "no" to that, you can say "well, can I live here then?" Maybe that will help him get what you''re trying to accomplish.

 

[eks6426]

I''m sorry you are having issues over the process of moving in together. It''s funny how people get attached to their "stuff" and their way of organizing (or chaos). I''m betting that he is making you feel like an intruder instead of a partner.

Is there anyway for you 2 to get your own place? If you start out somewhere fresh that neither of you have lived in, it might make him feel less like his space is being "invaded" and compromises might be easier?

You really need to try to get through to your guy. Because if he is giving you one word answers and basically shutting down the conversation, it''s going to be a hard future for you 2. Where to put your stuff is only the beginning of things that will need to be talked through.

Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Well ... I can say that I''m SUPER GLAD we moved in together a year ago & weren''t trying to "move in" and "get hitched" at the same time.

Those are two of life''s most STRESSFUL occurences -- coming at the same time!

I don''t know who it''s worse for: the mover or the moved-in-on one. I was the moved-in-on one and I about freaked! I''m late thirties & have "my way", ya know! I''d NEVER lived with a boyfriend before - only roomates - and that was SIX years before. We STILL have boxes that haven''t been unpacked & stuff of his in a storage shed etc etc.

Maybe this will help: The lead up to the move & the move itself were BY FAR the worst parts for us. The actual "living together" part was more smooth than I could have possibly imagined.

My only advice would be to be patient and try to keep the lines of communication open. If he''s more territorial than you are (which I was, rather than Sweetie) ... just pick your battles & be gentle. Remind him of all the good parts that living together/being married will bring. If you dwell on the fights & stresses & battles ONLY - it''ll bring you both down!

Also - I''m not an expert, but I wouldn''t see this as "cold feet" ... I think almost anyone going through all of this change at once would have some misplaced feelings about it & feet dragging & ambivalence. It really is normal IMO.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/19/2006 3:40:25 PM
Author: sumbride
First you have to get through to him that it''s not ''HIS'' place anymore. It''s ''OUR'' place. That means that you both get input on where stuff goes and what you need there. You shouldn''t have to justify it. If he sees it as you moving into his place, it''s going to be a constant battle. Does he own? Is there anyway you guys could find a new place together that will have only been an ''our'' place and not one or the other?

Getting anybody to pick up anything on your schedule instead of theirs is a challenge, but try not to see it as him not doing things for you. I can ask my FI 10 times to go through his mail on the table but that doesn''t make him do it. It has to suddenly bother him, then it gets done. Sometimes I just stack it up for him and throw it in a box but sometimes I go through it myself. (He doesn''t mind.)

He probably knows he''s being unreasonable. Be outlandish and suggest finding a big place for both of you and when he says ''no'' to that, you can say ''well, can I live here then?'' Maybe that will help him get what you''re trying to accomplish.

I think sumbride has made a great point...is there any way you two can find a place together that is yours collectively, as opposed to you moving into his space. When hubby and i talked living arrangements I knew we would end up in his house, as I was renting a condo from him, but we ended up selling that house and moving into one we selected together, which made it ours instead of me moving into his space. This allowed us to make decisions about decorating and such together as opposed to me moving his stuff around to fit mine in. He wouldn''t even stay in the house until we got married so that his first night here was our first night here. It was very generous and romantic of him.

If this is an outlandish idea, which it most likely is, than perhaps you two should move EVERYTHING, both your and his things, into one room and then redecorate together, so you each get to have some input.

Cold feet? I have no clue as I don''t know him, it just sounds like he likes his stuff where he puts it and doesn''t want to change. But marriage is change and comprimise, so he''s better off starting sooner rather than later!

I''m sorry he hasn''t been so nice about this. He''s probably just scared of all the changes taking place.

Good luck to you!

 

[codex57]

Date: 9/19/2006 3:40:25 PM
Author: sumbride
First you have to get through to him that it''s not ''HIS'' place anymore. It''s ''OUR'' place. That means that you both get input on where stuff goes and what you need there. You shouldn''t have to justify it. If he sees it as you moving into his place, it''s going to be a constant battle. Does he own? Is there anyway you guys could find a new place together that will have only been an ''our'' place and not one or the other?

He probably knows he''s being unreasonable. Be outlandish and suggest finding a big place for both of you and when he says ''no'' to that, you can say ''well, can I live here then?'' Maybe that will help him get what you''re trying to accomplish.

Hahaha, I like that last bit. But yeah, he''s gotta compromise. It also sounds like he needs to grow up.

I''m messy. I like being messy. I call it organized chaos. But that''s cuz I''m not too messy that I can''t find a bill that needs to be paid. I had to grow up and realize that things like bills need to be paid. I need to make some effort to be somewhat clean.

Once you throw another person into my world, like my wife, than I gotta shape up even more. Throw a kid in there, you better be even more organized and responsible cuz the kid is gonna make it tons harder to do so.

When''s the wedding? I dunno about cold feet on your part, but it may be he''s too immature to get married. Hopefully, you''re strong enough to kick him in the rear so that he changes.

 

[sumbride]

Forgot to add... I agree with Deco. This doesn''t sound like cold feet to me, just the normal stress of moving in together. We moved in together last year and it was very stressful, but luckily it was into a fresh place. He sometimes played the "it''s my house" card when he didn''t want me to do something (like paint my bathroom purple!) but he''s letting go of that now (though my bathroom is still white!).

The living together part does get easier, but the clutter and the moving and the rearranging are no fun. I don''t think they are reasons to run though. You''ll have lots of stupid arguments for the first several months, but it will get better. We''re still arguing over where the tupperware goes. And did I mention that my bathroom has yet to be painted? but aside from that, it''s bliss.

 

[Mara]

i can't really relate as greg moved in with me and he didn't bring much in the way of decor or anything as i am the organizer and the decorator. i veto'd most of his furniture (plaid couches?!) and old dresser from childhood and most of his stuff went into storage as did some of my stuff so we could make room for him (he got my 'office' as his music room etc), the storage was not a big deal and we both had stuff in it since my old place was really small. then we moved a year later and bought our own place which i then decorated basically because again he's totally not into any of that stuff and lets me do basically whatever i want to the house as long as he has his own spaces which he does. he also really likes the way i decorate and organize things for us. we did have a few growing pains after buying our own place together, because it was truly our place but we ironed them out.

anyway, i'd be pretty PO'd if he was acting like that towards me. hello you are getting married. why are you moving stuff around and reorganizing things? because you are MOVING IN and going to live there too! it's not like you just fit neatly into a little space he sets aside for you. this will not be his place anymore, its yours together. he also sounds like he's being a big baby about it. sounds like his place could actually benefit from a woman's touch!!!

the next time he says something to you...i'd have a serious discussion about it. what did he think was going to happen? did he not intend for you to move in? what's the deal? communicate about it, do not let him act like an ass or give you one word answers. how you deal with things like this now will affect your relationship later and long-term.

this may not be an option but i'd think about you two moving at some point after the wedding and getting a new place that is then YOURS to begin with if his behavior does not change. he may just have a really hard time with you coming in and 'taking over' his spot. maybe you two should get something together. just a thought.

 

[labbielove]

We had a somewhat opposite situation- I owned a house and he moved in a couple of months ago.
I tried, but really didn''t organize/clean out as much as I should have before. As a result his, and some of my, stuff is in boxes awaiting a place. But we are tackling it bit by bit, and it is very unorganized. I even felt somewhat defensive at first that he was picking on "my" house whenever he would point out a problem or project. But over the last few weeks it''s sort of subsided into a joint project. Now each night after dinner we spend one half to one hour doing something- unpacking, hauling stuff to goodwill,etc. not even the same project, but we put on the stereo, work away and then after the time is up we sit down and have a glass of wine and relax before bed.
Just don''t put too much pressure on you and him to get the place just right, take your time and have fun with it. But it sounds like you should have a heart to heart regarding expectations, etc. and compromise where you each can.

Good luck, and believe me, it does get better!

 

[onedrop]

I was typing when sumbride and deco said what I would have said. I really don't get that his reaction is cold feet. It sounds (without knowing your FI at all) that he is just reacting to giving up his space. I have absolutely no advice on this since I have never lived with a man before, but I think it all we even out in the end, especially when he starts tripping over clothes and wall sconces that you have not been able to put up.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/19/2006 3:59:37 PM
Author: labbielove
I even felt somewhat defensive at first that he was picking on ''my'' house whenever he would point out a problem or project.

OOOOOHHHHH. Brilliant POINT!! YES! That''s EXACTLY how I felt and still sometimes feel that way when a house problem comes up ... like "I didn''t pick a good enough house" ... or "I didn''t maintain the house well enough".

I asked him the other night "Are you sorry I didn''t pick a better house?" People tend to personalize their *stuff* and mix up their identities with their home ... ESPECIALLY if it was a "first house/condo" purchase (as it was for me).

I am not my house. My house is not me. I doubt he''d wanna *marry* this house - but luckily he''ll marry me DESPITE it!

 

[nytemist]

Yes, he does own. I heard about that a while ago. The words "paint the bathroom or bedroom" came out of my mouth and he says "I don''t need to paint anything in my condo..." (Sumbride, his ENTIRE place is eggshell blue) I would LOVE to move somewhere else completely, but it''s not financially possible right now. We do want to leave the state, so we''ll make the best of it here until that can happen. I have no problem with the condo, but some harmony would be nice.

In the past I''ve just put things in order myself when I''ve tripped on it enough tmes. The he will ask where I put it and then agrees it makes sense to have it where I put it. Other times he doens''t take it well. We are both in our 30s and do have our "way" of doing things. It''s classic neat vs. messy, but it seems this wall of "I''m not changing at all" came up really suddenly. It''s fear of the unknown, true. He''s not the only one that feels it. I have to adjust to his cats, his dramatic sleeping and his fear of doing dishes. But I know that comes with the territoy.

Codex, I do agree with the "organized chaos". That''s what my tool box and trunk of my car look like. But when I need to find my 3.2 wrench for the alternator, I could find it with a blindfold. That really isn''t him. Most of his stuff is kind of all over, but ask him where something is and he has to hunt for it. He has misplaced the wedding rings twice. I said I''d take them and keep them at my house, once he finds them.

 

[nytemist]

So he called me here at work, asking if we can meet up to talk about this. He doesn''t understand what the big deal is. I said the big deal is that I''m tired of hurting myself and not feeling any sense of peace in the place and fighting about it. I can handle messy but don''t want to live in a pigsty. Maybe it''s different because it''s marriage? He lived with his sister for almost ten years before she got married and moved, and she did the decorating. They were fantastic roommates. But it was a house so there was much more room. We''ll see how this goes...

 

[codex57]

Date: 9/19/2006 4:12:29 PM
Author: nytemist

Codex, I do agree with the ''organized chaos''. That''s what my tool box and trunk of my car look like. But when I need to find my 3.2 wrench for the alternator, I could find it with a blindfold. That really isn''t him. Most of his stuff is kind of all over, but ask him where something is and he has to hunt for it. He has misplaced the wedding rings twice. I said I''d take them and keep them at my house, once he finds them.

Exactly, organized chaos is different from pure messiness. Like you, if asked to find a bill in a stack of papers on the desk, I can reach in and pull it out. Amazes my wife every time. However, it has a breaking point. If I can''t find something (like your FI), that''s the time to organize some. It all boils down to realizing it''s about two people now. If he can''t find a bill and becomes late, then not only does it affect him, it now affects you because his bad credit may make it harder for you guys to get a loan in the future. If you guys have a kid, what if he can''t find something the baby needs? Etc.

This wall of "don''t touch my stuff" is pretty worrying. I hope your wedding isn''t soon cuz it sounds like he needs more time to get adjusted to the idea of this being a 2 person unit instead of how it was before.

 

[aljdewey]

I also brought some of my wrought iron pieces (wall sconces, candle holders, this great mirror, etc.) and he says why do I need them?

The words "paint the bathroom or bedroom" came out of my mouth and he says "I don''t need to paint anything in my condo..."

Common problem......he''s used to thinking about only what HE needs because that''s all that he had to be concerned with before. Unless he''s going to be harmed by a proposed change, it makes no sense for him to object.

Now, if you''re going to take down the beloved dog/poker picture and he positively LOVES that picture....sure, I can see a bit of resistance. But if he''s not attached to the color of the walls, why object to painting them something you will BOTH like?

Marriage and cohabitation isn''t just about needs; it''s also about *wants*. So, he''s likely right that he doesn''t need new paint, and he may not need new decorations...he can live without them, sure. But, the days of worrying only about what he needs/wants are gone. You''re a couple, and it''s time for both parties to be vested in each other''s need and wants.

My house is fairly new, so we don''t *need* new paint anywhere yet. However, I''d like to change the paint in our room to another color. Now, if I wanted to change it to PINK, my husband would object....not to the notion of a new paint color, but he doesn''t like pink. So ok....as long as I don''t select pink, I can pick something else we both like. Compromise. But he wouldn''t object and say ''well, we don''t need new paint."

For our part, we try to each say "ok, do I care about this thing? Does s/he care about it? If I don''t care about what color we stain the deck but he does, I let him choose. If he doesn''t care about it what color paint is in the bedroom and I do, he defers to my choice. If we BOTH care about something (I really want pink paint and he really wants orange), we find a middle ground that we can both be happy with (picking another color that we both like).

He''s marrying you. He has to make room for you (literally AND figuratively) in his life and in the space.

 

[nytemist]

A quick reply before I leave work-

Yes the wedding is soon. Almost exactly six weeks from right now. Halloween.

He knows he should organize. Maybe not immaturity. I think it''s the procrastinator in him that is fighting with me. But it does irk me.

It''s a two way street. He may be worried about me wanting to moves things around. Things he values. I''m worried about his cats gnawing on things I value. The kitties are chewers.

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m truly disturbed by his attitude. What the H@## did he think was going to happen? Is he unclear on this whole concept? It''s not going to be his condo but your condo. He''s asking you to make a home and a family with him, but doesn''t want you to feel welcome let alone at home??

Now I am a bit of a pot calling the kettle black, I haven''t done much picking up on my end. Jeez, it just seems so overwhelming! I can barely keep my house clean. (Which I need to improve since I''m going to be in charge of most domestic stuff due to his commute). He''s moving here, btw.

Otoh, We''ve talked about where his stuff is going to go for months. We''re rearranging several rooms to the point of giving them new functions. I''ve been (slowly) painting our new bedroom. It didn''t really need to be painted, but it makes it more ours since we picked the colors together. Plus it''ll be more of a separate retreat and haven this way.
I''m going to (eventually) pack up all my books, dvds, and kitchen stuff and then unpack it together with his stuff so it blends better. Plus you get new ideas on where things should go that way rather than just adding stuff. And we''re going to take down all my pictures, combine ''em in a pile with his, and rehang ''em from scratch.

Perhaps you should suggest that he packs up too like he''s going to move? It does seem like it would make blending so much easier.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh girl, you have my sympathies. Arguments over this stuff are gonna happen, but just take a deep breath and keep reminding yourselves that you love one another...sometimes it''s easy to forget!

I would definitely agree with the sentiment that hopefully you will be able to move somewhere else. But until you move out of state, this is gonna take some work. When my FI moved in with me, I thought it went rather smoothly. I made tons of room for him. But the bottom line was *I* decided what room to make, and ultimately he felt like the place was still mine. A year later, things are fine, but he still doesn''t completely feel like it''s our place, and that''s fair enough. We''re looking for a house in the next year or two and that will help.

There are some things that both of you will have decide if it''s really important to you. I remember FI brought his pillows over from Oz because he loved them. They also had really horrible pillowcases that his mother bought for him. When he moved here, I had spare pillowcases for him from my much more tasteful bedsheet set. He refused. I thought about it for a second and didn''t argue, even though they clash HORRIBLY. If it made him happy and reminded him of home, who was I to argue? No one really comes into our bedroom anyway, and now I think it''s kind of funny.

So your FI is just gonna have to understand that you need to feel at home too.

 

[nytemist]

I explained to him everyone''s point here- that I need to feel at home. I don''t want to remake everything. I don''t want to create a Marth Stewart catalogue. It would just be nice for the space to look decent. I asked him what he thought would happen when I got there; things would just sit in a corner? He hasn''t really though about that. He''s still caught up in the financial aspects of the wedding and how we will relate to each other. Which I understand that, it''s important to me too. I asked him to please put some effort into it and work with me. I don''t plan on telling him he has to get rid of things that he likes. If that were the case, all his "guy" movies would have been gone long ago. I think it''s not a big deal to him because he doesn''t really place value in much. He looves his cats, his guitars and could not function without his computer. That''s it. Meanwhile, I love having a decor with a Rennaisance edge to it. He likes that style too, this is why I don''t understand why he has done this 180. I asked if we could start a gameplan this weekend putting both our ideas on the table so when the actual moving happens next month, neither nof us wull like out heads will explode. He said he would start straightening up during this week.

 

[codex57]

Cool. He''s got a week to get really get his head around the change before you guys have "the talk." Glad you gave him some time. Some times, us guys need a kick in the butt, but we also need a little bit of time to fully get used to the idea that the change is real. Without that time, we can get a little resentful or not have time to adjust to it so we don''t change our behavior. Unless it''s something we''re particularly anal about, we usually don''t get resentful tho. We''re not that complex unless we''re still just a giant baby in terms of maturity (can be kinda common, even late in age).

 

[KimberlyH]

nytemist:

I thought of you today while having a discussion with my husband about something that I feel a married couple should share, while he wants to be in total control of this aspect of our relationship. Once I got him past thinking I was attacking him and onto understanding that what I want is not for me, it''s for us and in the best interest of our marriage, he relaxed and opened up to me. He is 38 and has lived alone for 20 years, so the idea of sharing things isn''t always easy for him. I have to give him some space to let it sink in that we are now married which means we have to share responsiblities and he needed to acknowledge that I was looking out for us as a couple. We ended up coming to a compromise that is suitable to both of us. I''m happy that you are going to put your heads together this weekend, which gives him some time to think about his whole issue with clutter and allowing space for your things. My antedote may not help you at all, I just wanted you to know that it''s not uncommon to experience this.

 

[onedrop]

Sounds like you have taken the first step to understanding. And it also sounds like it went well. Good for you! Hope all goes well with the transition and "the talk."

 

[FireGoddess]

Sounds promising. I think he felt reassured knowing you''re not trying to totally make over the whole place, but you do want to feel comfortable there because it will be your home too! I know it''s hard when something is completely *yours* and all of a sudden you have to share...but we''re talking marriage so he''ll have to get over that! Sounds like he''s getting there, which is good.

 

[nytemist]

Thank you for all the advice. I hope he truly does understand me and I understand him. It shouldn''t really be the big an issue and I can''t shake the feeling that the arranging spat is a cover for something else bothering him. That''s what I''m much more concerned about.

 

[firebirdgold]

That''s a good point, it could very well be true. Only I''m not sure how you would get to the root cause. Has he been acting a bit odd on any other front? Maybe he''s just feeling a little overwhelmed?

 

[nytemist]

He hasn''t been as talkative as usual. When I''m there on weekends, he sometimes gets up in the middle of the night and listens to music in the other room. It''s quiet, but I''m such an insomiac I''m awake when he does this most of the time. He''s complained a few times about people he works with. We don''t chatter in the car as much. It feels like he''s withdrawing. I have the feeling that if I say he can tell me the situation when he''s ready, it might set off another bad mood, like I''m making more demands on him or something. It''s just tough to have this going this close to the wedding, a time when we should be the closest.

Then there are other times where he the usual Ian.

 

[codex57]

Hmmm, sounds like there could be something. Might not be about you tho.

Or, he could just feel that his alone time is being threatened and wants to get it in without it becoming an issue (I like to lounge and just read something but my wife hates reading and thinks it''s a waste of time if I''m not next to her so I have to do it when she''s asleep at nite).

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/21/2006 12:44:11 PM
Author: nytemist
He sometimes gets up in the middle of the night and listens to music in the other room. It feels like he''s withdrawing.

Wellllll. Ya see, I''m him.

(at least there are some similarities) ... As the wedding approaches I''m having some urges to have "me time" & stuff too ... sometimes at night. I''ve SERIOUSLY considered creeping away to the guest room to sleep in my "old bed" by myself but haven''t ..yet. I don''t really *mean* to withdraw. And I''m not worried/upset about the relationship or wedding or anything like that! I kinda just get the urge for space & spreading out & "the old way" ... nostalgic ... but not WISHFUL, ya know. I like & want things the way they are now .. but it doesn''t mean I don''t remember & appreciate the (few

) good parts of the way things WERE. My soft comfy girly iron bed, being representitive of that.

However, if I *did* sneak off & he mentioned it & wanted the scoop/why etc..... I would be willing to talk about it & not turn the situation around on him like he was "bothering" me.

Our talking & stuff & chat & working on wedding stuff together is all pretty status quo. The urge to seperate is mostly when I''m squished in that hard Queen-sized bed with a hulking Sweetie, the "solitary confinement" cat, and a tiny dog who wants to lay on my head or climb on me like a log-roll competition when I toss & turn ... wide awake wondering if the caterer is bringing the serving spoons, or whether the venue will have those.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 9/21/2006 2:12:49 PM
Author: decodelighted
The urge to separate is mostly when I'm squished in that hard Queen-sized bed with a hulking Sweetie, the 'solitary confinement' cat, and a tiny dog who wants to lay on my head or climb on me like a log-roll competition when I toss & turn ... wide awake wondering if the caterer is bringing the serving spoons, or whether the venue will have those.

Hence the fact that the very first joint purchase for us is a brand new comfy king bed.

I'm so reluctant to be less than positive and supportive on the forum, and I know I can be a pessimist and that I don't know him or your relationship... But.. I'm seeing red flags here. Big red flags.

Yes it does look like he's withdrawing. Maybe it's cold feet, maybe he doesn't feel ready now that marriage is so close it's practically breathing down his neck. Otoh, maybe it's work or something else all together.

You can't not ask him to talk to you just because you're afraid of putting him in a bad mood? What kind of marriage will that be? (granted I sometimes have a similar hangup).

Be totally blunt. Tell him you're scared he's withdrawing and/or getting cold feet.

Sometimes I think the hardest yet the most important thing to do in a relationship is to be able to communicate that you're scared or insecure about the relationship.

 

[TravelingGal]

Goodness Deco...are you my east-coast twin?

The night before my wedding, I am getting a hotel room...not for the traditional "don''t see the bride on your wedding day" reasons. It''s because I really just want quiet time away by myself to reflect. The eve of my 30th birthday, I went out to a nice dinner by myself in Manhattan Beach and hung out in a bar for a bit. Then near midnight, I walked one of my favorite spots in the world (Manhattan Beach pier) and walked to the end. With just the sound of the ocean and my own thoughts, I closed my eyes, thanked God for a wonderful 20s and wished for a prosperous 30''s. I walked off that pier now in my 30''s, and I wouldn''t have done it any other way but in quiet. I''m hoping to return every 10 years to start a new decade with walks on that pier.

Sometimes, before big life changes, people really do need to withdraw a bit. No excuse for him not making room or communicating with you, but maybe there is something more going on there.