bummed.

[rainbowtrout]

So it looks like my maid of honor either a) won''t come or b) will come, and we''ll be in the middle of a serious fight while she''s staying in our house.


I seriously am not sure what the root of our fight is, other than that she apologized for the dress frustration, I said no biggie, yes it was frustrating but no big deal, I love you how you are---and then all heck broke loose.

Now it''s things coming up like, "I supported you through some difficult times this year, and now I hope you understand that a friendship is a two-way street, unlike before." And "You take me for granted and do not respect me." [not exact quotes, but very close, changed for anonymity]


She also went back through all our previous email and chats and complied "evidence" to show how she was right about the issue and how she had behaved perfectly about the dress (I mean, she was fine. Yes, she was a tad annoying at the beginning, but whatever. I don''t care that much, which was my point). Now she is mad that I perceived there as being a problem that supposedly was not there and making up things she did not say word for word in the emails...

I don''t know. I delete my email regularly, but more than that, it doesn''t matter to me. I''m much more concerned that now she is saying things like she feels i have looked down on her emotional and mental problems, which is never the case, I brag about her all the time!


I don''t know what is going on and I feel like I am losing my best friend 6 days before my wedding

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Oh hun I am so sorry!

It sounds like she is feeling a bit insecure. Maybe she is worried about your commitment to the friendship or how things will be after you get married. Whether there was an issue or not, I really think you two need to have a heart to heart. Does she live nearby? Can you meet her for lunch somewhere?

 

[swimmer]

Oh RT, what a difficult situation.
Yes, like SJ said, can you meet up with her? She is staying with you for the wedding, so prob not. Emotional convos are so hard on the phone! But you need an air-clearing-understanding-building session. Is your friend married? Is she worried about losing you (even subconsciously)? Does she get all the wedding-induced insanity you are going through? Can you apologize?

"Love Story" was wrong, being in love (or being a dear friend) means saying you are sorry all the time. You are in the friendship so you know what to do, but do remember that change is hard for everyone around.

(A dear friend of mine keeps saying things like "you can always get divorced" and "you don''t have to do this" so perhaps I''m projecting...but I know she is speaking more to her own relationship status than to mine.)

AND CAN YOU BELIEVE IN A WEEK this is all going down!?!!?! You have good weather planned too.

Good luck with your friend.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Hey guys--

I would *love* to talk to her in person, but she won't even take my phone calls! She is comparing me to her emotionally abusive mother and saying it is a "pattern" of our relationship that I treat her badly...


Seriously, I have no idea. I left her a message about how I think we should at least try talking on the phone but she hasn't taken my calls in over two weeks now.


I am so confused bc she still says she might be coming to the wedding, but what on earth am I doing if she comes up here and we are still upset? Bah!

Thanks.

Swimmer: She is married. Her husband and I used to be good friends and had a falling out that ended something like this, a big fight over email where he just stopped emailing me back and that was it...

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 5/18/2008 10:35:26 AM
Author: rainbowtrout
Hey guys--

I would *love* to talk to her in person, but she won''t even take my phone calls! She is comparing me to her emotionally abusive mother and saying it is a ''pattern'' of our relationship that I treat her badly...


Seriously, I have no idea. I left her a message about how I think we should at least try talking on the phone but she hasn''t taken my calls in over two weeks now.


I am so confused bc she still says she might be coming to the wedding, but what on earth am I doing if she comes up here and we are still upset? Bah!

Thanks.

Swimmer: She is married. Her husband and I used to be good friends and had a falling out that ended something like this, a big fight over email where he just stopped emailing me back and that was it...

Gag me. I have a friend like this-- it''s called playing victim! She is the one acting childish. You don''t deserve this!

 

[neatfreak]

Oh rainbow, I had my MOH back out three weeks before my wedding in a similar childish fashion. I haven't spoken to her since. It's such a shame to lose someone that you had felt so close to for so long, but really, with the crap she is pulling right now, is that really the way a true friend should act?

It took me awhile to come to terms with the fact that someone who could pull this junk a few weeks before my wedding and couldn't bring herself to be happy for me was just not worth the time. And mine tried to pull stuff out of the past that #1 wasn't relevant and #2 wasn't an issue ever before. She was just trying to make excuses.

Weddings bring out the worst in people. Happened to my MIL too, her best friend from the time they were 5 backed out before her wedding because she was jealous. Unfortunate, but many of us have been there. HUGS!!!!!

 

[diamondfan]

I know this would mess you up, but if you really feel this stuff is out of left field, I would not allow her to string me along. She "might" come still? Are you really supposed to contend with this? She makes evidence of past emails, she is calling you abusive, she is playing with you about coming at all...I would tell her NOT to come and be done. This is emotional abuse on her end and it stinks.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Thank you all, it is nice to know other people have had this happen.

Diamondfan: I think that if her next email does not improve things at all and we are not on the path to a reconciliation, I will consider asking her not to come. I already told her she has to let me know by Tuesday her decision because I cannot spend the week hung up on it.

I also asked her to commit to trying to work this out, we'll see. I know she planned her own large wedding, and it fell through--she had a tiny wedding with ten guests, and I couldn't come because she planned it at the last minute and I was overseas at the time. So there may be resentment there she has not told me about.


What is really ticking me off is her using her emotionally supporting me through this semester as leverage, pointing out that I have called her a lot as leverage. Yes, we speak on the phone frequently. If she thought I was venting too much, she could have pointed it out gently at any given time...

What complicates this is some of her struggles with mental illness, which if anything I only admire how she has handled and tell everyone how much I admire how she has handled. But yes sometimes it can be scary and a lot to deal with as a friend.

 

[diamondfan]

Rainbow, I thought friends as supposed to provide support when needed. It is a two way street of course, one cannot always take or always give, but is that not the role of a pal? If you cannot lean on a friend during tough times, when can you? If she is keeping score and using it to torture you, meh, I would consider her, at least for now, not a good friend. Score keeping has no place in a true friendship.

 

[surfgirl]

rainbow, real friends dont string you along making you stress over whether or not they''ll dain to grace you with their presence at your wedding. You know what you have to do, just do it now, so you can stop worrying about it. She clearly is making your wedding all about her. Why would you want someone like that standing next to you on your wedding day?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/18/2008 2:03:59 PM
Author: surfgirl
Why would you want someone like that standing next to you on your wedding day?

I totally agree with Surf, and I think she gave me similar advice right before my wedding.

What I ultimately did, that gave me fantastic closure for the week of the wedding, was just left her a voicemail that said:

"I wish you didn't feel the way that you did, but this is a stressful week and I need to focus on the wedding. We can catch up after the wedding."

This did 3 things for me:

1. Made it clear that I didn't want to her to come to the wedding out of pity.
2. I didn't apologize for something I didn't do or have anything to do with really.
3. It allowed me to move on during that week without waiting for her to call me back.

I think doing something similar might really make you feel better about it for now, especially if you don't think you can reconcile. In my situation I just didn't think it could happen because it was the 2nd time she had bailed on me for something big with no good reason.

 

[surfgirl]

Yes neatfreak, you''re right, I think I gave you the same advice and I''m glad you did what you did. Because the photos of you on your wedding day were pure joy, without any stress, as it should be! I think what you said to your ex-friend is perfect.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh wow.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Wow this is kind of bizarre. I am so sorry. At this point, I think you should follow neatfreak''s advice. She is being way too unreasonable. It''d probably be best just to call and leave a voice mail like neatfreak did.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Yeah--ya''ll have helped a lot, thanks. I am pretty decided now. I am waiting until Tuesday, and if I have heard nothing, well--it''s voicemail time. If I have heard something that isn''t putting us towards reconciling, that too.

If it looks like things will reconcile, I will have to think about it.

 

[swimmer]

Good decision.
Sorry it had to be made.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I agree. I am sorry some people are just so difficult and mean when it comes to weddings.

It''s such a strange phenomenon.

 

[dogmama]

I''m sorry she suddenly feels this way. Maybe she''s having difficulty with not being given responsibilities and is stressed over them. I guess I''m trying to excuse her behavior. In anycase, if she''s being this stubborn and truly feels the way she does, you should move forward and put this behind you. Yes it will be hard, however, it is not worth the additional worry to have a person you''re not 100% sure will be there for you on one of the most important days of your life.

 

[Harleigh]

Oh, rainbow, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this so close to the wedding! I agree with nf and surf that you need to take the bull by the horns and make this decision for her. I especially agree with not agreeing with her (admitting you did anything wrong if you didn''t!) and not allowing her to take over your special day by making it about her. That is the LAST thing you need to worry about, and I hope you get it straightened out. I think you''ll feel better once you don''t have her indecision and guilt hanging over your head. Hang in there, and again I''m sorry that you''re going through this right now. {{HUGS}}

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 5/18/2008 11:37:36 PM
Author: Harleigh
Oh, rainbow, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this so close to the wedding! I agree with nf and surf that you need to take the bull by the horns and make this decision for her. I especially agree with not agreeing with her (admitting you did anything wrong if you didn''t!) and not allowing her to take over your special day by making it about her. That is the LAST thing you need to worry about, and I hope you get it straightened out. I think you''ll feel better once you don''t have her indecision and guilt hanging over your head. Hang in there, and again I''m sorry that you''re going through this right now. {{HUGS}}

I agree that I would not give her my power and I would simply tell her not to come. I might say it so it leaves the door open...X, obviously there are some issues you are feeling about our relationship and they are causing you to act in a difficult manner. I would love to address these with you but you seem unwilling. In view of this, and your behavior towards me during this time, I think it best you not attend the wedding. Of course, if you decide you do want to talk, I will be here and do so happily.


Honestly, she can treat you poorly, but you need to stop allowing her to hold being in your wedding over year head. She can ignore your calls, and give you the silent treatment, but YOU can stop the drawn out stuff regarding your wedding. This sucks but it happens and your day should be about you, not her deigning to come or not, and if she does, what will she behave like? Not worth the risk to me.