Bummed! FI is just not as excited about Wedding

[mia1181]

Yesterday we were out to lunch and I was rambling on about what "we" still have to do and we are nearing 3 months until we elope. He was politely nodding away when I brought up that I would like to sleep apart the night before for tradition. I told him if I got a hotel room in the city, it would make it convenient to get my hair and makeup done before going to City Hall. He made a comment like "wow you''re trying to spend all our money before we even get to the honeymoon." He said it in a joking way and immediately tried to play it off like he was just joking, but I could tell he really meant it.

So then I said "Well it has to be special we only have one wedding day." Okay, so I could tell he was concerned about money so I said I would stay with my friend outside of the city the night before. So then I brought up the Carnelian room for dinner. I picked it for HIM because he loves skylines, and it has a great view. He said he didn''t want to go anywhere expensive for dinner. We both love to go out to eat in SF we go to nice restaurants all the time, why wouldn''t we go somewhere nice for dinner after we get MARRIED? Then, I asked him what he wants to do around the city afterwards. He said we should just go home and rest for the honeymoon. We don''t leave until the next night and we are getting married at noon, with pictures until 2! WTF?

I know two things are going on here 1. Concern about money. Even though we are eloping the costs are adding up since we''ve hired a photographer to shoot us. And 2. He is more excited about the honeymoon since we''re spending a lot on it and he got to plan it all by himself and it will be a surprise to me.

But really, why isn''t he excited about our wedding day? It''s so weird and it''s made me sad

Well gotta go....Thanks for the vent.... he just walked in and I feel guilty "talking about him" while he''s in the room!

 

[neatfreak]

Don''t take it personally...many men just don''t get it. And the ones who do often just aren''t into the details as us. But believe me, he''ll be a mess on the wedding day.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm. That is a little odd. My guess is this is a communication issue. I would tell him what you just told us "Honey, I understand that you''re excited about the honeymoon and believe me, I''m excited too! But I want YOU to understand that this day is really important to me and one I want to remember forever. I want to make it special."

 

[rockzilla]

Yikes! Sounds strange, maybe he is just stressed out about the whole thing.

On another note, my mom was visiting me in SF a few weeks ago and mentioned wanting to go to the CR for the view - but I looked it up and the reviews basically say "View is gorgeous, food & service is atrocious" obviously probably not helping you feel better at all, but since it IS going to be a special day, thought you might like to know...

RZ

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/25/2008 3:00:04 PM
Author: neatfreak
Don''t take it personally...many men just don''t get it. And the ones who do often just aren''t into the details as us. But believe me, he''ll be a mess on the wedding day.

Ditto. I think that most of them just aren''t as into it as us,not that they''re not into getting married, but I don''t think that many of them care about the little things. Have a quick chat with him, but I wouldn''t take it to heart.

 

[purrfectpear]

Since the honeymoon is a surprise and he planned it himself, it''s possible that he really stretched the budget there and has literally no money left over. Try not to be bummed. Enjoy your special day and look forward to the treat he has planned for you both.

 

[noelwr]

mia, I totally agree - don''t take it personally. for a lot of men it''s just about being married, not the wedding day.

my FI keeps telling me it''s my day and I just need to let him know what time he needs to be where and I can organize the rest - which is a good thing because if it were up to him we''d go sign the marriage papers tomorrow and the only thing to celebrate is that we''d go to a bar for drinks.

and everytime I share my wonderful ideas with him, he just asks how much it''s going to cost. not that we need to watch the finances, but he''s always very frugal. which then makes me feel less excited about my ideas because he''s not excited about it, but then again, it''s going to be MY day and as he''s not bothering to get involved, I''m going to organize it the way *I* want.

what''s been helpful is sharing my ideas with my mom and MIL who ARE excited about it and make me feel good about my ideas.

 

[Rhea]

We had a very small wedding, both in people in budget. DH started off planning with me but as we got closer he stopped caring as much. It came out that he didn''t think that it''d be as much time, energy, effort, or money as it turned out to be. He was excited about being married, but just didn''t get my want to nail down every detail and have the night be perfect. To him a wedding is something you plan in 4 weeks or less and don''t spend much money on, you just buy a new suit and run down to the registry office.

I think, at least how I''m reading your post, that it''s normal to get burnt out on the spending money and discussing all the details. I agree with NF, once the wedding comes around he''ll care.

 

[Gypsy]

Mia, just talk to him. He''ll get it if you just sit him down and explain.

 

[cara]

I''d be hurt. I don''t think being male gives him a pass for that behavior - its not like he just doesn''t want hoopla himself or is merely perplexed by your desires, he is actively putting them down, dampening your enthusiasm, and making you feel bad for wanting a nice dinner on your wedding night!

Even if he''s just being a guy and doesn''t "get" it, the awkward money jokes and not wanting to go out to dinner after you suggest it mean that it is not as simple as just clueless gorilla guy behavior. You should talk to him and tell him how it made you feel. If he''s going to not care about hoopla that''s fine, but he should respect your feelings about wanting some small amount of hoopla to celebrate the day. And budget accordingly.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 5/25/2008 3:11:05 PM
Author: bee*

Date: 5/25/2008 3:00:04 PM
Author: neatfreak
Don''t take it personally...many men just don''t get it. And the ones who do often just aren''t into the details as us. But believe me, he''ll be a mess on the wedding day.

Ditto. I think that most of them just aren''t as into it as us,not that they''re not into getting married, but I don''t think that many of them care about the little things. Have a quick chat with him, but I wouldn''t take it to heart.

ITA. My DH treated it as "just another day". However, he did show his sincerity by being at the church two hours before the ceremony.

 

[Elmorton]

Hmmm...you know how brides go over budget on weddings? I wonder if he''s over his budget for the honeymoon and he''s nervous about it. To me, it sounds like he''s really into his honeymoon planning and wants you to enjoy it/for it to be special for you. BUT - talk to him. Let him know that you want the wedding to be special, and he''ll understand.

 

[[email protected]]

Yeah....I feel your pain. This phase is a relationship test. But it would nice if he felt excited about marrying you. Maybe he is really an anti-wedding guy.
BTW I posted some restaurant suggestions on another of your threads.
Good luck!

 

[mia1181]

Thanks for your responses everyone, I just talked to him.

We were in the car and I said pretty much what Indy said (thanks!) , that it is important to ME that we make a big deal of this. I told him that we have to do something special on that day, because otherwise it will blend in with every other day we have spent together for the past 9 years. And it needs to be a day we will never forget. I couldn''t stop myself from crying when I said all this and he could see right away how important it was to me. And he got it! He apologized right away and said "I''m sorry... I''ve never done this before.... we''ll find a really special restaurant" Followed by "but for the record, we''re going to be so happy afterwards, it won''t matter if we are at McDonalds." Which is funny because he HATES McDonalds.

So basicly the outcome of this issue is "What Mia wants, Mia gets." Which is great, but I am going to change my plans a bit, because he clearly is concerned about the money. He''s the kind of guy that does anything to make me happy, but I can''t take advantage of that.

So I am going to look for a restaurant that is has character, but isn''t too pricey.

Rockzilla- Yeah I saw the same reviews, but he is such a view guy I thought we''d give it a shot. Now I''m starting over finding a place. I''m looking into Citizen Cake because I also want to surprise him with a wedding cake and it would really simplify things to have dinner and cake at the same place. But its also has some bad reviews, so I don''t know...

 

[mia1181]

Date: 5/25/2008 8:51:53 PM
Author: Elmorton
Hmmm...you know how brides go over budget on weddings? I wonder if he''s over his budget for the honeymoon and he''s nervous about it. To me, it sounds like he''s really into his honeymoon planning and wants you to enjoy it/for it to be special for you. BUT - talk to him. Let him know that you want the wedding to be special, and he''ll understand.

Yeah I know he has gone over on budget with the honeymoon! He told me he spent more than the original budget he gave me when I was the one researching our honeymoon. I don''t know how much over, but its pretty funny because he is such a practical guy. But I know he really wants it to be special. So yeah, that''s why I am going to scale down on my spending a little bit.

I also think in his head, the honeymoon will be the real celebration. We will have all sorts of fancy dinners then. But as a girl, I want to enjoy my time in my wedding dress! Maybe we''re both a bit more excited about "our part."

 

[rockzilla]

mia - I haven''t been to citizen cake, but I have heard good things. I actually just had my birthday dinner on friday, and my best friend took me to this wonderful new italian place called farina - I had a great salad, amazing fresh homemade pasta, and this delicious desert sampler. It is definitely a very special place - doesn''t have a view, but the actual architecture/design of the restaurant is quite striking.

I would certainly recommend it if you are trying to think of a special place! (even after your wedding, if you go to sf frequently) It is not to be missed...

 

[mia1181]

Rockzilla- Happy Birthday! Farina sounds great! We love italian! We will definitely have to try it.

Now I''m thinking foreign cinema, because its one of his favorites. He''s into the trendy restaurants. We''ll see though, movies don''t start until sunset. Citizen cake seems like a nice compromise, just wish it had better reviews. I''m glad you''ve heard good things, though. I may have to try it out first.

 

[tberube]

Well, most men don''t get as excited as we women do about weddings. It''s just not in their DNA like its in ours. And I get the saving money thing...I firmly believe in not blowing your life savings for one day, when the marriage is not about the wedding at all.

However, I do find it odd that he doesn''t seem to see this day of yours as even anything special. Not to even want to eat a special dinner after the whole thing. You''re already playing down the wedding so much, by eloping at city hall...I would think he''d recognize that and want to have at least a little "to-do" about the whole thing. After all, you only get one "big day."