Bridal Shower Etiquette/ who gives the shower

[Linda74]

My daughter was recently engaged and the wedding is planned for October 2008. We live in Connecticut and the wedding venue has been chosen and save the date cards mailed. My daughter has five bridesmaids but all of them have financial obligations. I am more than willing to pay for a nice luncheon or brunch shower in a restaurant. I am just wondering if it is proper for the mother of the bride to give the shower? I have no problem paying and listing the bridesmaids as the "givers" of the shower, or printing invitations which totally leave out who is throwing the shower. At approximately $40 or $50 per head, I cannot ask these girls to pay a dime. They have offered to do some decorating. This will be my daughter''s only shower and it will be about 70 people. I am hoping to get some help from all of you bridal experts!!

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Linda! Welcome to PS and congratulations to your daughter! In answer to your question, I think it''s fine for the mother of the bride to host the shower. I *think* traditionally (?), the bridal party throws the shower, but I know it''s done all sorts of ways these days. I''m sure your daughter''s bridesmaids would love to help in any way possible, so it might be nice to list everyone involved as the hosts. Either way should be fine.

My sister and her now husband didn''t have a wedding party. My mom and I gave my sister a shower at our parents'' house and the guests were all family friends (my mom and I were both listed as hosts). A friend of my sister''s and her mom (both listed as hosts) gave my sister and her fiance a Jack and Jill shower (a co-ed shower) for their friends.

I know this is a bit wordy but I hope it makes sense. I hope this helps!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/31/2007 9:38:42 PM
Author: zoebartlett
Hi Linda! Welcome to PS and congratulations to your daughter! In answer to your question, I think it''s fine for the mother of the bride to host the shower. I *think* traditionally (?), the bridal party throws the shower, but I know it''s done all sorts of ways these days. I''m sure your daughter''s bridesmaids would love to help in any way possible, so it might be nice to list everyone involved as the hosts. Either way should be fine.

My sister and her now husband didn''t have a wedding party. My mom and I gave my sister a shower at our parents'' house and the guests were all family friends (my mom and I were both listed as hosts). A friend of my sister''s and her mom (both listed as hosts) gave my sister and her fiance a Jack and Jill shower (a co-ed shower) for their friends.

I know this is a bit wordy but I hope it makes sense. I hope this helps!

Not traditional for the MOB to host the bridal shower, sorry. My mother got around this etiquette issue because my auntie decided to host instead, which worked out very well. They were able to sort of "design" the shower themselves with my mom having major input, while my aunt sent out the invites and hosted, if that makes sense.

Etiquette-wise, I''m of the understanding that immediate family does not host a shower for the bride, but anyone once removed may host. HtH!

 

[neatfreak]

I think it is wonderful of you to want to chip in with the shower. And regardless of what the etiquette books say, I think it's fine for you to co-host the shower with the bridal party. The rule about mothers not hosting showers is because it then looks like the family is fishing for presents. But IMO it doesn't matter WHO is hosting the shower! It's about you doing something nice for your daugher's friends so they don't have to go broke hosting and that is wonderful of you!

If I were you, I would just let the bridal party know that you would more than love to help pay for the shower. I am SURE they will appreciate the financial help as long as you make sure they are still involved in the planning of the shower.

 

[gtn]

Congratulations on your daughters engagement!

I know that it is customary for the bridal party to host the shower. It is unusual for the MOB or her sister(s) to host the party.

I have hosted a bridal shower for a friend whose bridal party did not think to throw the bride a shower. My sister has done this twice for friends. In this day and age, who cares who hosts the party. I say go ahead and host the party and have the bridal party help so you will be financing the party and giving input, but have the girls execute the work. You don''t need to specify who exactly is hosting the event, especially since it is customary to invite both mothers (and if there are other step mothers/other "mothers"/mother figure etc., they should be invited. It will not be unusual that you are there.


I think it is more important to do what you want than what is "right" or proper.

 

[Sabine]

I think it is great that you are willing to help the bridesmaids throw the shower! The showers that I helped host when I was in college were contributed to by the mob because we needed the help, and I know we all appreciated it because we wanted to give the bride a nice shower. I would say that even though the ettiquette books say that family should not host the shower because it looks like they are asking for gifts, it doesn''t really matter. But if you think it would offend some of your guests, you could definitely allow the bridesmaids to be the official hosts even though you are footing most of the bill.

 

[Haven]

Linda, it is so kind of you to want to throw a shower for your daughter. As for etiquette, here is what Miss Emily Post says in Etiquette (p. 591):

Can a family member host the party?
It has long been considered a breach of etiquette for family members to host showers, because doing so gives the appearance of being self-serving. But it''s becoming increasingly correct for family to host in certain situations, as when the bride is visiting her future in-laws and the groom''s mother or sister invites hometown friends to meet her. Also, more mothers or sisters of the bride are giving showers. Today, people should be guided by individual circumstances when deciding if family members will host.

Miss Manners says a similar thing, as well, so don''t you worry about any old fuddy-duddies getting their panties in a bunch over you hosting a shower for your own daughter!

Enjoy your time as Mother of the Bride! And congratulations to your daughter!

 

[surfgirl]

Why dont you talk to the bridal party and explain that you''d like to pay for the shower since it might get costly, but you''d love them to help plan it, etc. That way they feel included and can help you with planning the menu, decorations, etc. For example, if you decide on a floral/decoration theme, you could offer to buy the supplies and they can come over and help make up floral arrangements, etc.

 

[Linda74]

So much great advice, girls. Some of the bridesmaids are flying in for the shower. I have asked them if they would like to help planning. Since they don''t live in the area, they aren''t familiar with the venues we are looking at.....but all will help however they can. And I feel fine about footing the bill.

 

[cdt1101]

My mom is hosting my bridal shower. Simply because my bridal party is very young (my sister who is 18 and my cousin who is 15). Personally i don''t care what etiquette says (soooooooo antiquated), do what you want and what is right for your family.

 

[aljdewey]

I think this is a wonderful gesture, Linda. I''d make one suggestion: You''ve already said you''ll list the BM''s as the "givers" or hosts of the shower, and that''s really wonderful because it doesn''t embarass them in any way (re: their financial worthiness, etc.).

I''d be sensitive in how you approach it. Saying "please help me" still seems as though "I''m calling the shots and you can assist me". I think you might do better to come from the vibe of "let''s pool our resources to throw it together. I''d like to fund the venue as my part of the contribution, and I''m hoping you can provide the great ideas, etc."

It''s a subtle difference, but a little diplomacy will avoid possibly making her BMs feel looked down upon due to lack of resources.

 

[Linda74]

Such great advice....I don''t want anyone offended.....

 

[basil]

I never understood that etiquette rule that family members shouldn''t host showers. It''s never really crossed my mind, and I''ve been invited to a lot of showers hosted by family members of the bride. So I''d say go ahead and do it! Honestly, if I were a bridesmaid, I wouldn''t feel at all offended about someone else planning a shower, I''d be relieved!

 

[Haven]

Basil--I agree that as a bridesmaid it would be so wonderful to have the MOB help throw the shower, showers are a lot of work and any help is likely to be very much appreciated.