a "baby me; i need sympathy" whiny post

[doodle]

i''ve had the same group of girlfriends MY WHOLE LIFE--there''s 9 of us total. 1 of them is throwing me a bridal shower to include that group of girls plus a few assorted relatives of these girls (my mom and sister, the hostess''s mom, that kind of thing). out of the eight girls not including me, my two best friends on the planet have both bailed on coming to the shower, so needless to say, my feelings are hurt. one of them has to work, and i know she can''t really help that, so i can deal. the other one, however (i should add that this girl has been my best friend for 15+ years), is bailing out because it''s her boyfriend''s son''s birthday, and her boyfriend''s parents want to come to their place to celebrate. um...okeydokey. do it the next day. do it the previous day. do it the same day but a different time. let the grandparents and your boyfriend have the family time together and you come to the shower. i''m seeing a gabillion options she has other than bailing out on her best friend, and her response was "that would look bad. i can''t do that." i guess the main reason my feelings are so hurt is because i''m always the one who throws the parties for everyone else. i''ve had a hand in everyone else''s bridal showers and bachelorette parties and birthday parties and "i broke up with my boyfriend. let''s throw darts at a picture of the loser''s face" parties, but any time it''s something for me, it''s "your birthday''s too close to Christmas" or "i have to help my boyfriend cut his toenails" or something lame. yes, i''m pouting. this is the first time i''ve cried at anything in a LONG time, and i don''t deal well with having my feelings hurt, so i''m being a baby. i warned you in the subject line!

seriously, thanks for reading if you made it this far and for letting me vent!

 

[neatfreak]

Unfortunately weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes. I'm so sorry, but maybe it's time to reconsider what it means that she is your "best friend"? Doesn't sound so best to me!

Hope she changes her mind...

 

[miraclesrule]

Actually, if I was her BF''s parents and knew that she bailed on her best friends bridal shower to "look good for the BF''s parents", I wouldn''t think that highly of her. But that''s just me. I guess I would feel like she was all about "sucking up" to them to win their favor, rather than say "I would love to be here to join you for BF''s son''s birthday, but my BFF is getting married and I couldn''t imagine not being at her bridal shower, so I won''t be able to be here." That attitude would endear me more than someone sucking up because they probably want to marry my son. Couldn''t she do both? Go to the earlier party and then just not stay all night and still get back in time or vice versa?

Whatev... it''s your day doodle and some people can be counted on for some things and not for others. You can''t control other people'' actions, only your reactions to them.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hey Doodle,
This sounds partly like a matter of mistiming. It''s a shame the subject of the party date didn''t come up between the two of you when you were planning...
Even if they''re on the same day, surely she could attend both? No?

I can see why she doesn''t want to miss the little boy''s birthday - I mean, if she was married to the BF, do you think she should miss the birthday?
Is she a genuine step-mother to him?
Perhaps she feels she is amongst critics in her BF''s family, and that they would be quick to scold her if she was unable to ''pull her weight'' with the kid. Hmm...

I have usually found that in matters of friends vs boyfriends, the bfs win every time. We''re talkin basic survival family formation here! It''s hard-wired!
But, yes, it does seem a shame she cannot rise from the slime-like origins (of us all) and turn up at her best gal pal''s party.
That sucks.

Perhaps you could call the boyfriend, or even the boyfriend''s mum, and tell them about the party, and the problem. Your party might not even be on the page for them.

In all likelihood, the child is not going to really freak out about a missing stepmom. My kids wouldn''t care, as long as I made a big fuss earlier in the morning - I mean, how many working Dads miss children''s birthday parties?!

Hope your friend can come!

 

[JulieN]

doodle,

I personally don't think missing your shower is a big deal...but I can see how you feel like it is. I'm assuming you'll have plenty of other pre-wedding parties and the wedding itself for her to be happy for you at, and these will be in the next few weeks or months? The kid's birthday only comes once a year.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I second everything Miracles said. I would be very hurt also, but try not to let this escalate out of proportion. After all, anything can happen, she may make it to your shower in the end.

 

[Gwyn]

She probably just really wants to impress her bf and his family.

The problem with best friends, especially ones you have had forever, is that they tend to take that friendship for granted. She knows you love her already, I doubt she is that secure in how her BF and his family feel about her.

It sucks. You have my pity that she won''t be there. But try not to be too hard on her, I bet she would rather be there with you too!

Maybe there is a way she can squeeze in both. I know its your party and all but, anyway you can push it back a lil later in the day or something. She doesnt have to stay at the kids WHOLE party does she, lol.

If not and she misses it, cheer up, there is still the bachelorette party and, lets not forget the best day of em all, the wedding!

 

[doodle]

i should probably clarify on this--it''s not the little boy''s birthday party. it''s not even the little boy''s birthday until the following monday. the boyfriend''s mom wanted to see him and could only come up on the weekend, so the day was about the two of them. this just popped up, too, as in the shower invites were mailed weeks ago, while the birthday with grandma idea just surfaced yesterday. she and i even talked about the shower date over a month ago because (how''s this for irony?) my FI''s birthday is the same as the little boy''s (sept. 9th, just in case all this gets confusing), and my FI''s son''s birthday is sept. 6th (the same day as the shower). i told her that we had rearranged some weekends with FI''s ex-wife so that we could see the kiddo the next week, then asked what they were doing for her bf''s son''s birthday, and she said they didn''t have anything planned.

a few weeks ago, she told the friend hosting the shower that she wasn''t going to come because she didn''t have the money, and the girl hosting told her she''d come get her, and they could go in together on a gift, so it''d be free for her to attend. it just feels like she''s been making an effort to NOT be there, and this is my one and only shower with friends (my family is throwing one, too, but it''s relatives only). she''s a bridesmaid, but she hasn''t so much as offered to stick a stamp on an invitation. it''s not just a friend not coming to a party kind of thing; like i said, i''m okay with the other friend having to miss it. it''s the fact that we''ve been friends since we were 8 years old, she''s like my sister, and she''s giving a pretty lame excuse, IMO. she didn''t even mention giving a crap about being there for the little boy''s birthday--it was just about it LOOKING bad to her boyfriend''s parents. funny thing is, when i was on the phone with her, i could hear her bf in the background going, "mom won''t care! just go to the shower! (kid) won''t care either as long as we give him something that''ll make him fatter" haha

 

[marchswallowbird]

Okay, Doodle, you need to sit down face to face and talk to your friend in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way, at a time when you''re both relaxed and not feeling stressed out. You need to let her know how you feel, without asking or expecting her to make any changes, and without trying to make her guilty or anything. But I think it''s important that she realizes just how much this is bothering you. It''s important to the future of your friendship. Perhaps she is totally clueless about how you feel.

 

[Gypsy]

I’m sorry honey. It hurts to feel like you aren’t a priority for your friends, the same way they are for you. I know from your posts that you are a great friend, funny and smart, and loyal (I’m not trying to make you sound like a golden retriever with a sense of humor… it just seems to be going that way, sorry). I don’t have any advice, and I don’t really think you are looking for any. So I’ll just offer you a ((BIG HUGE GINORMOUS HUG!)).

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I am sorry Doodle.

If you don''t mind me commiserating, I must say I definitely know how you feel sometimes..it seems like I am always the person who remembers people''s birthdays, and anniversaries, and tells them congrats about big events, etc. But when it comes to me..well they all seem to just forget.

I guess my bday is an easy one to forget I don''t know. I felt really shunned when I got engaged and discovered a lot of my friends weren''t my friends because even though we talked often and I always told them congrats on big events in their lives, etc...not many felt the need to do the same. Oh well, needless to say I know who my real friends are! It sounds like you''re a lot like me and I''m sorry your meanie friend that could make it is ditching.

((Hugs)) This is a big event and it''s important to you, so it''s wrong for her not to be there.

 

[doodle]

::Wags tail::

haha, i couldn''t resist...if the rest of the world thought i was anywhere NEAR as funny as i do, i would''ve skipped college entirely, grabbed a barstool and a mic, and called it a career!

thanks for the advice and the pep talk, all of you. i really appreciate it! after careful consideration and a detailed assessment of the situation, i have decided to kill her. bite her? okay, fine! i''ll talk to her like a grown-up...stupid big girl pants!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Sounds like a good idea doodle!

 

[princesss]

Well, doodle, apparently I think you''re as funny as you do! Your last post had be cracking up.

I''m sorry about how this is going. I''m the same way: I''m always the one to plan the party, arrange to take people out for their birthdays, make sure they don''t pay...and then get stuck paying extra on my own birthday when other people decide to short the bill. It stinks.

I definitely think a good, non-confrontational talk (lots of "I" statements!) is the way to go. And yeah, the big girl pants feel like sandpaper, but they do help things go smoother!

 

[swimmer]

Oh, hugs. blech situation. good luck with your heart to heart.